Steady

by Nicole Tillman

  I didn't want to read it. Mostly because I knew once I read it, I wouldn't be able to unread it, nor would I be able to read it again for the very first time.

  Stupid. I know.

  Then, I took a deep breath and read Jay's words.

  To my flower,

  I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you. I wanted my words to sweep you off your feet - but I'm a computer nerd, not a poet. However, as I was flipping through one of my mother's old poetry books, this spoke to me. Whoever wrote it felt the same about his lady as I do about you. Me and this unknown dude are a couple of lucky bastards. Anyway, I wanted to give this to you, and I wanted you to know that I don't take it lightly. Not at all. This summer has been amazing. You've been amazing. And, well, here goes nothing...

  On your hand you hold a promise from me,

  Vowing my love for all eternity.

  That silver that sparkles and gleams in your eye,

  It stands for truth and won't indulge in lies.

  It's the only key to my heart and my love,

  For my gift and my angel, my sweetheart, my dove.

  Know that I'll always be yours and be true,

  Sweet darling, that is my promise to you.

  A little corny? Maybe. But I didn't want to finish out this summer and go back to school without acknowledging what a blessing you've been to me. Yeah, we've had our moments of misunderstanding, but you being with me has brought something back to life that I thought I'd lost.

  So, thank you Bree – my flower, my love, my girl. I wasn't sure what to do when the universe spun you my way, but even though we fumbled at first, I plan on holding onto you for a long damn time.

  I've loved that heart in your chest since before I was born – I'd like the chance to love it until it stops beating. Maybe even after that.

  I love you, Bree. And just to be clear, this isn't what it looks like. You won't find me getting down on one knee. I'm not that crazy.

  Yet.

  Love always,

  Your ever burning sun

  Jay

  As if to dig the knife in my heart even deeper, I laid the note aside and grabbed for the biggest, and yet smallest, piece of Jay I had left.

  The simple silver band had to have been custom made. Etched all around the outside of the ring were short and tall spikes in a continuous line – like spikes on a heart rate monitor. Leaning toward the light, I got a better look and something on the interior of the ring caught my eye. Turning it in my hands, I read the inscription.

  Lay your heart in my hands - I'll keep you steady.

  It was too much. Way too much. All I wanted to do was give in to the grief that had me by the throat. After slipping the ring onto my finger, I pressed my fists into my eyes and cried.

  I cried for hours.

  Until sleep found me and two pairs of bright blue eyes waited for me in dreamland.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I zombie walked my way through the funeral. I was on autopilot. All I could do was stare at my feet as Ellen cried quietly in front of me, lifelessly sagging in her ex-husband's arms. I didn't want to think about what they were going through. I suspected there was only one thing worse than losing a child – losing two.

  The only thing that came close to tearing me out of my empty trance was the sound of Veronica's voice. It was the last thing I expected to hear breaking out over the quiet crowd.

  “Jason Bryson was a hero.”

  My eyes snapped up to find my friend at the podium.

  I looked to the side as Nora squeezed my hand.

  “What is she doing?” I asked breathlessly.

  Nora shook, but didn't say a word.

  “He saved me.” She looked out over the crowd and caught my eye. “He saved us. And that's a debt I'll never be able to repay. Not in a million years... But I'm going to try. I've decided I'm going to laugh without reservation, just like Jay. I'm going to put myself out there, open myself up to love, just like Jay. And I'm going to try my hardest to be a brave, loyal, compassionate person – like Jay. And I invite you all to do the same.”

  My bottom lip trembled, but I was otherwise able to hold myself together as Veronica laid a flower on Jay's casket and stepped aside as the ceremony moved forward.

  The rest of the day was a blur.

  The passing cars were a blur.

  The somber faces were a blur.

  Life itself was a blur.

  Back at the apartment, the girls helped me out of my little black dress and into some pajamas. Sydney took the pins out of my hair and brushed it straight. Nora made me a tall glass of something strong and I drank it down without tasting it. It didn't even burn. And Veronica, she made my bed and tucked me in.

  Yes, part of me felt like an invalid. But the other part of me, the stronger part, didn't care.

  Veronica stayed behind, even as the other girls left the room. Quietly, she took my hand in hers, staring off into space as she bit her already bloodstained lip.

  “I know this hurts like hell, Bree, but... it was clear by the way he looked at her, talked about you, held you – he loved you. You had the privilege of being loved. Fiercely. And that love isn't dead.”

  “But he is,” I broke in. “He's gone.”

  “But his love isn't,” she insisted. “His heart's not beating anymore, but neither is yours. It doesn't mean he's not right here,” she pointed a finger at my heart. “And he's not going anywhere. You'll be able to carry that love around for the rest of your life.”

  Foolishly, I pushed her hand away. Nothing she was saying made me feel any better. If anything, it made the pain worse.

  “I don't want him here,” I said, clawing at my chest. “I'd rather have him in my arms.”

  “I know it's not the same, but that doesn't make it wrong. You are a lucky girl, Bree Preston. Some people die without ever feeling loved at all, let alone feeling the kind of love you were blessed with. Just- remember that.”

  I closed my eyes. I didn't want to remember that. I didn't want to have to remember. I just wanted everything to be different.

  After Veronica shut my door, I let the tears fall freely. I didn't fight them. Even as I cried out into the darkness, speaking the names of the two men I'd ever loved, I didn't fight the grief. I let it consume me. Inside and out. I let it take over, happy to let the emotion take the wheel for a while as I drowned.

  ***

  Classes had already started back for the fall semester, but I opted to take a break. I needed to distance myself. I needed room to breathe. Otherwise, I knew I'd crumble and crack and there wouldn't be enough microscopic pieces of me to glue back together.

  I'd also been granted an extended period of leave from my job. I knew it would have been easier to just fire me and find a replacement, so I wasn't sure why my boss had agreed to let me stay on. Either way, I appreciated not being forced to return to a job that I hated, just so I could finance the life that I hated even more.

  I was a smart girl. I knew I couldn't get away with living in my pajamas, eating nothing but pop-tarts, and staring at the walls all day. Something had to give. But I still wanted to throw everything away. I wanted to drink until the physical pain in my heart returned. I wanted to get into my car and drive ninety miles an hour away from West Plains and never look back. And, I wanted to sleep, God did I want to sleep. Because while I slept, the grief wasn't so heavy. Especially with blue-eyed brothers keeping me company in my dreams.

  Night after night, I dreamed of them. They were only dreams. Never nightmares. I didn't thrash around in bed, reliving the way Jay looked as I pulled his body out of the water. And my mind didn't conjure up images of a bullet skating through Jake's skull in the middle of a convenience store.

  No. They were happy dreams. Dreams filled with jokes and laughter and innocent kisses and nothing but comfort as both my hands were held tightly.

  But even though I felt as if I could live in that dreamland forever, reality was calling. And that bitch had my number o
n speed-dial.

  ***

  A knock on my bedroom door woke me and I looked at the clock. It was two in the afternoon.

  My God you're pathetic...

  “Come in,” I called hoarsely.

  Sydney peeked her head in and entered hesitantly.

  “How are you?”

  She came to sit at the edge of my bed, but I didn't move to sit up or even pull the covers away from my face.

  “I'm here.”

  That was all the answer I could give. It was the only truth that I knew.

  “Me and the girls just ordered pizza. You want some?”

  “No, thanks.” I didn't want to sit around in silence while everyone stewed, worried about how I was dealing. I wasn't dealing. Easy as that. I was shutting down.

  “Oh, okay.” Syd shut the door behind her and I was plunged back into silence.

  The next day, Nora showed up at my door around dinner time.

  “Got Chinese food downstairs if you're interested,” she said.

  “No, thanks. I'm fine.”

  And the next day.

  “Going to Taco Bell,” Veronica said as she stood in my doorway. “Want anything.”

  “No, I'm fine. Thanks.”

  And so this continued, every night for a week. But I couldn't face them. I didn't have the strength to walk down the short flight of stairs, let alone the strength to keep myself together for a whole meal. I didn't want to burden anyone else with my pain. It was mine and mine alone. I owned it. It was the one thing no one could take from me.

  The next week, I finally decided to do something useful. Like shower. I was disgusting and was starting to repulse myself.

  After washing the stench out of my hair and the salt tracks off my face, I ventured downstairs, feeling slightly more human. Say what you will about shut-ins, but I accomplished a great deal while laying in that bed.

  I'd denied my pain, denied the fact that I was alone. I played out little scenarios in my head where Jay would come bounding through the door, smile firmly in place as he pulled me into a crushing hug. Or, there were the times when I would pretend to wake up and hear Jake's voice nudging at me from the shadows. Or course, neither really happened, which threw me into the next stage of grief. Anger.

  My anger wasn't directed at the world, or the ones I'd lost, or even circumstance. It was directed at myself. The self-hatred I brought to the surface was so toxic, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with myself. All I wanted to do was jump out that second story window and forget about all the pain I'd inflicted on myself, as well as everyone around me.

  Which brought me to bargaining. I stared at that window for hours, letting whatever deity that was listening know that if they would just send them back, send Jay and Jake back to me, I wouldn't jump. That phase had been the worst part of it all, because I knew if things had been different, if one little detail had been changed, it would have been Jake camping out with Jay instead of me.

  And then came depression.

  That was the biggest, brightest fire that had ever consumed me. The helplessness. The hopelessness. I worked through my despair like an asthmatic swimming through molasses. Even after my tear ducts ran dry, I cried into my pillow, screaming, begging, pleading for things to be different. To be easier. But no one was there to answer my screams. My voice went on unheard. And even as I shook with the loss of my first loves, I slowly, blindly slid into acceptance, completely unaware.

  ***

  “Bree! You're up!” The girls stopped short when they found me in the kitchen cooking an omelet. “Yeah,” I said, trying to infuse my voice with at least a little life. “I got hungry.”

  “Sit down, sit down,” Veronica said, dropping her bags before she took the spatula from my hand. “I can do that.”

  I didn't fight her, because it's not like she would let me win, so I joined the girls at the dining room table as they looked through their booty from the days shopping adventure.

  “That's cute,” I said, gesturing to a shirt Nora pulled from a bag.

  The girls seemed stricken by my interest as well as the smile I wore. It was still a sad smile, but it was a smile nonetheless. As their eyes all landed on me, the air in the room grew thick with emotion and I sagged in my chair when their eyes began to mist.

  “What?” I looked around, lost. “What'd I say?”

  Sydney was the first to compose herself.

  “Nothing,” she said, her voice hitching. “It's just-” she took a deep breath, “it's good to have you back.”

  I cast my eyes to the floor. “I'm not back.”

  It was the truth. I was far from being the whole, sunny person I was a few weeks ago.

  Nora rounded the table and threw her arms around my neck as she buried her face in my hair.

  “No. But you're getting there.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Sometimes, especially in the depths of despair, it's hard to imagine being strong. But after returning to work and school, I realized that I didn't have to be strong alone. Something had clicked that night my friends stood in the kitchen, shocked by the simple fact that I'd gotten out of bed and went in search of food that didn't come out of a box.

  I realized then that I had a support system – a support system that loved me very much. Loved me to the point that every night they made a point to come by my bedroom and check on me. Sometimes we'd just talk, other times they'd let me cry on their shoulders. But night by night, my smile began to return. And always during the most surprising of topics.

  Jay.

  The girls would sometimes slip and mention something he'd said or done that made them laugh. Eventually, I was the one who brought his name up in conversations. But there were also times I opened my mouth to speak, to tell them a story, only to clamp my mouth shut when I realized that the story revolved around Jake, not Jay.

  Those were stories I'd never tell my friends. Not because I didn't trust them not to think I was crazy, but because those stories were mine and mine alone. No one would ever be able to comprehend what his presence had done to me or why he'd even floated into my life in the first place. I knew that. And most people would want to share their conflicted feelings with their closest friends, but I couldn't bring myself to open that box. It was closed, and it was beating steadily in my chest.

  Months after Jay's death, I received a call that sent me driving out to the West Plains Cemetery at dusk. Ellen wanted to place flowers on Jay's grave and clean up the weeds before the tombstone was erected.

  As I parked in the narrow road, I took a deep, bracing breath and steeled myself. I hadn't seen or spoken to her since the funeral and that was something I hated myself for.

  I found the plot easily enough. It was on the far edge of the cemetery, tucked away in a quiet corner that wasn't visited often. Ellen stood between her two sons' graves holding two identical bouquets of red roses.

  As I approached, she turned to face me.

  “I may just be a silly old woman, but I didn't want them bringing the stone out here and seeing those withered old flowers,” she pointed to a pile of brown stems that had probably been beautiful in the peak of their lives. “I just couldn't stand the thought of someone thinking that they weren't loved. Is that crazy?”

  Gathering all my courage and strength, I stepped up and pulled her close.

  “That's not crazy at all.”

  I waved my hand, gesturing for her to proceed and she laid a bouquet at the foot of each grave. One a few years old, the other so fresh the grass hadn't begun to grow. After standing back up, she blew a kiss to each boy before placing a hand over her eyes.

  “I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone,” she said. “Not even the devil himself.”

  After pulling her in close, I leaned my head against her shoulder and unburdened myself as well.

  “I keep trying to understand the point of it all,” I said. “Why it had to happen, especially the way it did. Why the universe would put so many people through so much heartache. It
doesn't make sense to me. I keep trying to wrap my mind around it, and I can't.”

  Ellen dropped her hand and turned to face me.

  I continued speaking, refusing to glance her way in fear that I'd cause her more heartache with my words. But they had to be said.

  “Jay once told me that he didn't believe there was a reason that Jake died. He didn't believe there was a reason for anything like that. Just that the world was a cruel place and shit happens. But... it has to, right? There has to be a reason things like this happen. Otherwise, nothing makes sense. What's the point, you know?”

  After finally gathering up the courage to face Ellen, I found her smiling, and her next words hit me straight in the chest.

  “Sweetie, maybe that is the point. Us little humans – maybe there's not a point to our lives. Maybe that's what makes it beautiful. Maybe that is the rhyme and the reason why.”

  I bit my lip to stave off the tears, but let her continue.

  “Everything else has a set course – a predictability about it. The earth circles the sun. Fall comes after summer. A rose will die if you cut the stem. These are facts. Cause and effect. But our lives? There are so many factors, so many circumstances we can't control. It is chaotic. But it's also beautiful. So, there doesn't have a be a reason for tragedy to strike. Yes, my son's died young, and that is the most tragic thing in the world... in my eyes, at least. But it's barely a blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things. Why they died isn't important, sweetie. What's important is that they lived.”

  I didn't say a word. It took everything in me just to reach down and take her free hand in mine. Even as she fought tears, fought to stay strong, I knew the moment she felt the silver band winding around my finger.

  She brought my hand to her face and began examining the ring. Slowly, a sad smile spread across her pale lips.