Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  He should be there with Sarah, nudging each other, whispering that Izzy was by far the most beautiful child in the church, beaming and waving at her up on the altar. Sarah would have been the most beautiful woman, the most stylish, too. Adam would have sat there bursting with pride. His wife and his daughter, the best, brightest stars in the place. His family, his perfect family.

  But, no. Life had robbed him of that. Sarah had been ripped from him, torn from their lives, and the hole she had left was so deep. Every minute of every day felt like a lifetime. Adam felt as if he was swimming against the strongest current. If he stopped or lost focus for even one tiny second, he’d drown. A lot of the time he wanted to give in, to let the water sweep him away, but he couldn’t. He had to be strong for Izzy and Sarah and his baby.

  He wanted to go to bed, pull the duvet over his head and never get up, but instead he got up every day and tried to do the right thing. What was the right thing? Adam didn’t know. But he had to keep fighting or they would all drown.

  He saw Izzy wave at someone. He craned his neck. Charlie was waving at her and dabbing his eyes with his big handkerchief. God, he looked old. Two weeks ago his hair had been salt-and-pepper grey, but now it was snow white. Adam looked at the church exit where the girls were streaming out into the sunshine. Mia was standing at the door, ushering them out. She looked awful, grey, exhausted and very thin. Her dress was hanging off her frame.

  Adam touched the side of his face where he’d cut himself shaving that morning. He hadn’t shaved in a week, but he’d wanted to be presentable for Izzy. In the mirror, he’d barely recognized himself. He’d tried to fix his hair and had put drops in to soothe his bloodshot eyes, but it had made little difference.

  As parents stood up and talked with each other, complimenting dresses, daughters, the weather, Adam hung back. He didn’t have the energy for chit-chat. Sarah was good at it. Mia used to laugh and say Sarah was the queen of small-talk. Mia liked to cut straight to the important things and have proper conversations with people, which freaked Sarah out. She wanted to keep it light. She didn’t want to share her thoughts or intimacies with other people. She didn’t want people telling her that their marriages were in crisis or they were having an affair, were secret alcoholics or hated sex with their husbands. Sarah had never been good with oversharing. She’d always told Adam that she liked to keep her conversations to kids, holidays, fashion and light current affairs. ‘I don’t want a big gang of friends. I have you to talk to.’

  He felt exactly the same way. She was his best friend, too. Sure he had mates to go to rugby games with, but Sarah was his best friend. He hadn’t just lost his wife, he’d lost his closest friend, confidante, lover and the person he adored.

  Adam had always thought people who self-harmed were insane, total nutters. But lately the thought of cutting himself to feel physical pain was attractive. Frighteningly attractive. He’d held a knife to his arm last night at three a.m. He hadn’t cut himself, but he’d been close. It had frightened him. He was too close to the edge. He had to try to come back. He’d forced himself to look at the photos of Izzy that covered the kitchen walls and had put the knife down.

  It hadn’t been easy, but he’d done it. He couldn’t start self-harming: that would be a dangerous spiral. He needed to stay strong and keep it together for Izzy, but it was very tempting to disappear into real pain instead of emotional agony.

  Work was a mess, too. His managers had been fantastic, but he needed to get back to the office and deal with the mounting paperwork. The economy was buoyant again and the business was flying. Better than ever, they told him. But he didn’t care. The special holiday they were going to take was gone now. No more family holidays. No more cocktails at sundown. No more walks on the beach. No more kissing Sarah and tasting the salt of the sea on her lips. No more …

  ‘Adam? Are you all right?’ a mother asked him.

  He couldn’t remember her name. ‘Yes, fine. Just a bit hot in here,’ he said.

  ‘What a lovely ceremony,’ Rob said, distracting the woman.

  ‘Oh, yes, it really was. The girls were just lovely. Izzy looks wonderful. I’m so sorry about …’

  Adam’s throat tightened and his breath shortened. He had to get away from the woman before he broke down. He couldn’t handle sympathy. ‘I’m sorry, but I must find Izzy.’ He pushed past her brusquely and rushed out of the church. He loosened his tie and sucked in gulps of air.

  Where was Izzy? He spotted her talking to Charlie and Mia.

  He marched over and took Izzy’s hand. ‘Come on, Izzy. We need to go.’

  Rob joined them. ‘Hi, guys,’ he said. ‘Thanks for coming today.’

  ‘We’re going to see Mummy now,’ Izzy said. ‘I’m going to wake her up. Today is the day.’

  ‘Ah, pet, I don’t think the doctors will agree to that,’ Mia said lightly. ‘I think you should get started on your party. I mean, a chocolate fountain, Izzy! I bet you can’t wait to get home to that.’

  Izzy shook her head firmly. ‘No, Mummy first. Daddy is taking me to the hospital.’

  ‘I don’t think he can,’ Charlie said. ‘The doctors said Daddy couldn’t bring in any other visitors, just himself.’

  Adam felt the old rage rise up again, hearing Mia and her father taking over and throwing their weight about. ‘The doctors didn’t say that,’ he said.

  ‘Hey, Izzy, would you mind if I bring you over to that blossom tree for some photos?’ Rob said. ‘You’ll look so pretty under those pink blossoms. I want to get a special picture for Ellen.’

  Izzy went off happily, hand in hand with Rob.

  Once Izzy was out of earshot, Adam fronted up for the argument.

  ‘You’re not seriously taking her to the hospital?’ Mia said. ‘She’ll be so upset when she sees Sarah.’

  ‘She’s been asking me every five minutes for a week. I can’t keep fobbing her off. If I don’t take her in, she’ll freak out.’

  ‘So lie to her, tell her Sarah is in surgery or something. Tell her anything. Please, Adam, that’s not a sight for a child.’

  Adam gritted his teeth. ‘I’ve used that excuse a hundred times already. She never stops asking. I’ll ask Angela to make Sarah look more … more presentable. She can put on the sunglasses, put make-up on her face. It’ll be OK.’

  ‘No amount of make-up can hide the reality of Sarah’s body,’ Mia said. ‘Izzy will be traumatized.’

  Adam had had enough. Didn’t they get it? He’d tried to put Izzy off. He’d come up with every excuse in the book but she asked non-stop. She got more and more upset every time he said, ‘Not today.’ She was desperate to see her mother. She would not let up until she did. What choice did he have?

  ‘Back off, Mia. Stop telling me what to do. Just back the hell away.’

  ‘Don’t speak to Mia like that,’ Charlie snapped. ‘We’re only concerned for Izzy.’

  ‘I’m sick of all of you interfering in my life. Stay away from me and Izzy.’

  Riley stepped forward and stood in front of her uncle. ‘Adam, this is all kinds of crazy. I know you’re in bits, and I know you adore Izzy and want to help her, but this isn’t the way. I nearly lost my mind when I saw Sarah. Izzy is only seven. She seriously cannot cope with seeing her mother like that.’

  ‘Like mother, like daughter,’ Adam said. He felt sick at Riley’s words, but he hated them all for judging him. He was a good father, but they were acting like he was an unfeeling monster. Where did they get off playing all high and mighty?

  ‘I’m thinking of Izzy,’ Riley said, her face flushed.

  Mia put her hand on her daughter’s arm. ‘Yes, you are, love, but Adam can’t hear us. This is a pointless conversation.’

  Rob walked back towards them, Izzy holding his hand and babbling excitedly about Sarah.

  ‘… and when she wakes up, do you know what we’ll do? We’ll bring her to the party and she can see everyone. She’ll be so happy! I can’t wait!’

  ‘If
she needs us,’ Mia said, ‘we’ll still be here, Adam. You might hate us right now, but we’ll always be here for Izzy. If she’s upset later, Riley can come over.’

  ‘She’ll be fine,’ Adam said, wanting desperately to get away from them now. ‘I think it would be best if you don’t come over later.’

  ‘Adam –’ Rob started, but Adam silenced him with a look.

  He took Izzy’s hand and walked her towards the car park.

  Izzy waved at them over her shoulder. ‘See you later at the party,’ she shouted.

  49

  The hospital was quiet. It was a warm and sunny May afternoon so anyone who could bring their visitors outside to the grassy areas had done so. The corridors were much emptier than usual. Adam’s heart was heavy, but he knew this moment of goodbye would be important for Izzy. She’d always remember that she got to say goodbye, and that would help with her grief.

  ‘Adam,’ Rob said quietly, ‘are you absolutely sure about this? It’s just –’

  ‘I’ll take it from here, Rob,’ Adam said. ‘I’ll bring Izzy up myself.’

  Rob flinched. He took a deep breath. ‘You’re making a mistake,’ he said. ‘Please don’t do this.’

  Adam shook his head. ‘Even you,’ he said, disappointed in his brother. He needed Rob to be strong, not swayed by the emotional blackmail of the others.

  ‘It’s not like that,’ Rob said. ‘I don’t think you understand …’

  ‘I understand everything,’ Adam hissed.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Izzy said, looking fearfully from one to the other.

  ‘Nothing at all, Sweet-pea,’ Adam said, forcing a smile onto his face. ‘Uncle Rob is going to get himself a coffee and wait outside in the sun. We’ll go up to see Mummy ourselves.’

  ‘Oh, that’s a good idea,’ Izzy said, beaming at them. ‘Then, when she comes down with us, she’ll get an amazing surprise to see Uncle Rob waiting for her.’ She giggled. ‘It’s perfect. I won’t tell her you’re here, Uncle Rob, I promise.’

  Rob nodded, but said nothing. He stopped walking, and Adam took Izzy’s hand and they made their way to the stairs, just the two of them.

  Izzy’s chatter stopped as they entered the ICU wing. She gripped Adam’s hand tighter. He stopped and crouched down. ‘Sweet-pea, you don’t have to visit Mummy now. You can change your mind, it’s absolutely fine. I’ve told you that Mummy is very sick. She’s puffy and not like she used to look. It’s a bit scary, but it’s just the medicine they’re giving her. I don’t want you to get a fright. We can do this on another day.’

  Izzy shook her head from side to side. ‘No, Daddy. It has to be today. I have to see her today to wake her up. Mummy would never not wake up to see me on my Communion Day.’

  Adam bit his lip. ‘OK, but remember I told you that the medicine also makes her sleep, so she probably won’t wake up, Izzy.’

  Izzy placed her hands on her father’s shoulders. ‘Daddy, stop worrying. Mummy will start getting better today. Everything is going to be fine now.’

  Adam didn’t know what to say. He knew that if he tried to stop her seeing Sarah today, she’d have a complete meltdown and never forgive him. In a way, it might be a good thing, easing her into the realization that Sarah wasn’t going to get better. She needed to see her mother, and Adam hadn’t the heart to stop her.

  Angela came over to them, smiling widely. She held her hand up to her chest. ‘Oh, my goodness, you’re a vision. Give me a twirl.’ She handed Izzy a ten-euro note.

  ‘Oh, no, I couldn’t take your money. Daddy says nurses get paid really badly and treated like servants and I should only ever be a doctor when I grow up.’

  Adam wanted the floor to swallow him.

  Angela laughed. ‘Well, he’s right, we do, but I saved this especially for you.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Izzy asked.

  ‘Positive.’

  ‘Well, thank you very much. Let’s see Mummy now,’ Izzy said.

  ‘Yes,’ Adam said, ‘but we have to put on the special clothes. I know you’re wearing your beautiful dress, but I have to give you an apron, a little mask and gloves. We can’t let our germs get onto Mummy because she’s not strong enough to fight them.’

  ‘Where’s my apron?’

  Adam got the gear and helped Izzy into hers. Izzy was washing her hands when Angela pulled Adam aside. ‘Adam, are you sure about this? I’ve tried to make Sarah look somewhat presentable but I have to stress once again that I don’t think it’s a good idea.’

  ‘She needs to see her,’ Adam said. ‘She won’t stop until she does.’

  Angela crouched down. ‘Izzy, as I’m sure your daddy told you, your mummy doesn’t look like before because of all the medicine. I had to put sunglasses on her eyes to protect them and –’

  Izzy held up her hand. ‘I know Mummy is sick and the medicine is strong and she’s puffy and sleepy, but it doesn’t matter because today all that is going to change. Come on, Daddy, let’s go.’

  As they approached the door, the occupational therapist came out. She stopped dead when she saw Izzy.

  ‘Thank you for helping my mummy,’ Izzy said to her. ‘I’m Izzy, her daughter, and today is my Communion Day, I’m going to wake her up.’

  ‘Oh, but –’ She looked frantically at Angela and then at Adam. ‘She can’t … It’s not …’

  Adam looked at the horrified face of the therapist and paused at the door. ‘You know what, Izzy? Let me pop in first and see that Mummy’s OK. I’ll just be a second.’

  ‘Daddy! Hurry up.’ Izzy groaned.

  The door shut behind him and Adam stood in the room he had become so familiar with. He walked over to the bed. The tubes, the machines, the infections, the fungus … Suddenly he saw it. He saw his wife through Izzy’s eyes. The eyes of an innocent seven-year-old, who remembered her mother as a beautiful, living, smiling, laughing woman.

  He saw her for what she had become. He saw her for the first time not as his wife, his beloved, but the bloated corpse she was.

  How could he bring Izzy in here? How could he let her last memory of her mother be this horrific sight? Adam bent over and pain shot through his heart.

  ‘Sarah. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. How did I let this happen? My beautiful Sarah. I’m so sorry. Forgive me. Please forgive me. I wanted to keep you and Ben alive – I wanted to fight. I wanted never to let go.’

  He slid to the floor. ‘Sarah,’ he wept, ‘forgive me.’

  There was a bang on the door. ‘Daddy! I want to come in.’

  Adam moved to the door to block it. ‘No, Izzy. I’m sorry, but you can’t see Mummy.’

  ‘You promised!’ Izzy shouted.

  ‘I know, and I’m so sorry. It was stupid of me and wrong of me. You can’t come in, Izzy.’

  ‘I can and I will,’ Izzy screamed. ‘Let me see my mummy. I need to wake her up. Let me in, Daddy! She needs to see my dress.’

  ‘I can’t, Izzy. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Mummy? Mummy! It’s Izzy! Wake up!’ she cried. ‘I’m here to see you.’

  Adam heard Angela’s voice. ‘Hey, now, Izzy, will you be the best girl and just sit outside for a minute and I’ll go in and see what’s happening? Your mummy might need some extra medicine.’

  Angela knocked gently on the door. He opened it to let her in. With one look, Angela knew. ‘You’ve made the right decision, Adam. She shouldn’t see her mother like this.’

  ‘I’ve been so blind and stupid,’ Adam sobbed. ‘How could I have even considered bringing Izzy in?’

  ‘She’s a very determined little lady who wanted to see her mother. You’re just doing your best under the circumstances.’

  ‘Look at her!’ Adam cried. ‘She’s a stranger, a corpse. That is not my wife. That is not Izzy’s mother. Ben could never survive in there – I see it now. Oh, God, I see it. I’ve lost them, Angela, I’ve lost them.’

  Angela held him while his body convulsed and he wept.

  ‘Now, Adam, you need to take a
deep breath and go out there to talk to that confused little girl. It’s going to be hard but at least she’ll know, instead of living in this awful limbo.’

  ‘It’s going to break her little heart.’ Adam gulped back tears.

  Angela wiped away a tear from her cheek. ‘Come on, now. You can do this, Adam. You’re a good father and she needs you. Children are amazingly resilient. Just keep telling her that you’re there for her.’

  Adam dug deep into the depths of his body to find the willpower to walk down the corridor and tell Izzy the news that would shatter her.

  ‘Daddy! I’m sick of waiting,’ Izzy snapped, when she saw Adam.

  ‘Izzy, I need you to sit down. I need to tell you something.’

  Izzy’s eyes grew wide and frightened. ‘Is it bad?’ she asked, her chin trembling.

  Adam nodded. ‘I’m so sorry, Sweet-pea, but Mummy isn’t going to wake up, ever. Mummy has died and gone to Heaven.’

  ‘But she can’t have.’ Izzy clutched her little white bag to her chest. ‘She can’t be dead. Today is the day she wakes up. Let me see her, Daddy. I can wake her up. I know I can.’ Izzy jumped up. ‘Let me talk to her. Mummy!’ she shouted.

  Adam grabbed her waist to stop her running. ‘Izzy, Mummy is gone. Only the machines were keeping her alive, but even they can’t save her now.’

  Izzy saw Angela standing in the corner. ‘Is it true?’

  ‘Yes, pet, it is. Your mummy is gone.’

  ‘For ever?’

  Angela nodded, biting her lip to hold back the tears.

  ‘But – but it’s my special day.’

  ‘I know, Izzy,’ Adam choked back tears, ‘and I’m here for you. I’ll do everything I can to make it better.’

  Izzy looked at him, a little crease in the middle of her forehead. ‘You can’t make it better. No one can make it better. Mummy is gone. My mummy is gone. I … Who’s going to look after me?’ Izzy’s eyes were wild with fear. ‘Who’s going to wash my hair and make my lunch and bake with me and watch movies with me and hug me and sing me songs and read me bedtime stories and – and …’ She sank to the floor, legs straight out, her dress spread around her, like a doll’s.