Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone else. It was cruel and random and devastating. Sarah leaves behind a little girl who adored her mother, who is bereft without her. It will be a long road to recovery.

  As a family, we faced an unthinkable dilemma: accept Sarah’s death, and allow her unborn baby to die with her; or keep Sarah alive, even as her body began to decompose, in order to give her unborn baby its minuscule chance of survival. We may be judged for our actions, but we did our best. We honoured Sarah by respecting her deepest wish to give birth to Ben. Finally, we honoured our beloved Sarah by letting her rest in peace.

  Sarah Brown and Ben Brown, 7 May 2018, RIP.

  Mia bowed her head and cried. Her shoulders shook as the grief cut through her. She looked up at the garden. The thrush was still in the willow tree, gazing at her. She suddenly jumped up from her chair and ran. She ran through the kitchen, where a startled Riley called, ‘What are you doing?’ She didn’t answer her. She ran down the hall, yanked open the front door, and ran outside in her dressing-gown and slippers.

  She had to find him.

  She ran into the park and looked around frantically. There he was, ahead of her, walking towards the pond.

  She ran, feeling her legs shake as she pushed them on. When she reached him, she tried to call his name, but only a sob escaped.

  He turned around. Mia fell into her husband’s arms.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ Mia sobbed. ‘It’s exactly how it was.’ She gasped for breath. ‘You didn’t hang Adam out to dry,’ she said. ‘It was just us, the family, and it was her. It was Sarah. Oh, God, I’m sorry, Johnny.’

  Johnny pressed her to him. ‘Does this mean I’m forgiven?’

  She nodded into his chest.

  Mia pulled her head back. ‘I’m sorry for doubting you. I know the story would have come out, given that that guy was snooping around the hospital. The staff will probably talk now that it’s over. I just wasn’t ready for the world to know. I wanted more time. But the words, Johnny. You wrote it so beautifully. You explained it so well. You really do have a gift. I’m sorry I was a bitch.’

  ‘You’re not a bitch. You were just devastated.’

  ‘I forgot how hard this was for you, too. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own grief, I forgot about you and Riley. I know how much you loved Sarah. I’m sorry, Johnny.’

  Johnny kissed her lightly on the lips. ‘You have nothing to apologize for. You’re the most amazing woman and wife, mother, sister and daughter. Never forget that, Mia. You were a brilliant sister.’

  ‘I miss her so much.’ Mia gulped back tears.

  ‘I know you do. But I’m here and so is Riley. Don’t push us away, pull us in. We want to support you and help you. It’s our turn to look after you.’

  Mia buried her face in her husband’s chest and wept for all that she had, and all that she had lost.

  Week Four

  * * *

  56

  Riley hovered in the hall, biting her thumbnail.

  ‘You’ll have no thumb left if you keep that up,’ Johnny said, as he came down the stairs.

  Riley pulled her thumb out of her mouth and stuck it into her skirt pocket.

  ‘You look lovely. Skirts suit you.’

  She shrugged. ‘I wanted to make an effort today. You know, for Sarah and Mum.’

  ‘Well, I approve mightily.’ Johnny smiled at her. ‘What time is he due?’

  ‘Around now,’ Riley said. ‘Promise you won’t embarrass me, Dad?’

  ‘How could I? I’m the coolest dad around.’

  ‘Oh, God.’ Riley rolled her eyes. ‘This is going to be a disaster.’

  ‘You invited him,’ Johnny reminded her.

  He was right. She had. It had been a moment of weakness. She’d been crying about Sarah and the scattering of her ashes, and Zach had said he’d like to come and support her, so she’d said he could.

  But now he was going to meet everyone, all at once, and they’d be asking questions and it would be mortifying.

  ‘How are you doing?’ Johnny asked.

  Riley looked up at him. ‘I couldn’t sleep last night. I keep thinking this is all a dream and Sarah will come through the door any minute. I guess this all makes it very final.’

  Johnny sighed. ‘Yes, it does. It’s been a horrendous few weeks. You’ve been great with Izzy, I’m so proud of you.’

  ‘Stop, Dad. Don’t make me cry.’ She held her fingers up to her eyes.

  ‘Can I hug you?’

  ‘No, that’ll definitely set me off. But thanks.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  The doorbell rang. Riley jumped. With a warning finger pointed at her father, she opened the door. Zach was standing there in a shirt and tie. He was holding a big bunch of flowers. ‘Hey,’ he said.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘You look nice.’

  ‘So do you, a bit dorky, but nice.’

  Zach grinned. He handed her the flowers. ‘These are for you and kind of for your mum, too.’

  ‘Thanks, they’re beautiful.’

  Riley wanted to lean into his chest and inhale his scent, but her dad was behind her, watching.

  ‘Hello, I’m Johnny, Riley’s dad.’ Johnny came forward. ‘Come on in.’

  Zach proffered his hand and shook Johnny’s firmly. ‘Very nice to meet you, Mr Hegarty.’

  ‘You too, Zach. We’ve heard a lot about you. I believe you’re a great man for the high jump.’

  Riley glared at her father.

  Zach smiled. ‘Yes, I’m pretty keen, all right.’

  ‘Good for you. I’d be very grateful if you could encourage this one to get into sports.’ Johnny poked Riley in the back.

  ‘Get off, Dad.’

  Zach grinned. ‘I’ve tried, but she’s pretty stubborn.’

  Johnny whooped. ‘I’m delighted to hear that it’s not just with us then.’

  Zach laughed. ‘I don’t think Riley ever does anything she doesn’t want to do.’

  ‘Indeed she doesn’t.’

  ‘It’s actually one of the things I like most about her,’ Zach said.

  Riley felt her stomach dance.

  ‘Me too, son. Me too.’ Johnny smiled at Zach.

  They heard footsteps on the stairs. Mia came down. She was wearing a long navy dress with little sleeves. It was hanging off her. She’s got so thin, Riley thought. Despite her make-up, she looked exhausted.

  ‘You must be Zach.’ She held out her hand.

  ‘Lovely to meet you, Mrs Hegarty. I’m so sorry about your sister.’

  Riley wanted to kiss him. He was perfect, saying all the right things.

  ‘Thank you, Zach. I’m sorry we have to meet for the first time on such a sad day, but I’m glad you’re here for Riley.’

  ‘I’m happy to help in any small way.’

  ‘I appreciate that,’ Mia said.

  ‘Right, coffee’s on. We’ve got ten minutes. I’ll pop some bagels in the toaster. I want you to eat something, Mia,’ Johnny said.

  ‘I couldn’t, Johnny. Not this morning.’

  Johnny touched her cheek with the back of his hand. ‘OK, love. Coffee it is.’

  They went into the kitchen and Johnny handed round the filled mugs.

  ‘So where is this beach exactly?’ Riley asked.

  ‘It’s kind of hidden. You have to climb down lots of steps to reach it. Sarah liked to walk there,’ Mia said.

  ‘That’s a lovely place to do it,’ Zach said. ‘I’m sorry I never got to meet your sister. Riley speaks so highly of her.’

  ‘She was kind of wonderful,’ Mia said quietly.

  For a while they were silent.

  ‘Zach’s keen on the high jump,’ Johnny said.

  ‘Oh, yes. That’s nice.’ Mia nodded absentmindedly.

  ‘We should probably go now.’ Riley stood up. The whole thing was way too awkward.

  Johnny grabbed his keys and they all got into the car. They drove in silence to the beach. He park
ed on the edge of the road and they each took a small bunch of white balloons from the boot.

  The steps down to the beach were steep. Below them, they could see everyone waiting. The day was calm and clear. The sky met the sea in an infinity of blue. Two people walked their dog along the shore.

  When they reached the others on the sand, Mia and Riley handed white balloons to Adam, Izzy, Charlie and Olivia. Izzy was clinging to Adam’s leg.

  Riley went over to her. ‘Hey, Izzy, here’s your balloon. It has a little card attached to the bottom. You can write a message on it, if you like. Will I help you?’

  Izzy nodded. Riley bent down and held up the pen.

  ‘You write it,’ Izzy said.

  ‘What do you want to say?’

  ‘“I wish you weren’t dead. I miss you. I will always love you for ever and ever and ever.”’ Izzy began to cry.

  Riley finished writing the note and cuddled her. ‘I know it’s hard, Izzy. I’m so sorry for you. But I’m here for you. I’ll be your big sister and your best friend and your sleepover person and your hairdresser and your shopping buddy and whatever else you want me to be.’

  Izzy put her little arms around Riley’s neck and held her tightly.

  Mia wrote her card. It was simple. ‘We love you and we miss you.’ That was it really. Love and missing. Throw in heartbreak too and that pretty much summed it up.

  Charlie came over to her. ‘Tough day, but I’m glad we finally get to let her go.’

  Mia nodded. ‘Yes, Dad, me too.’

  ‘She’s at peace now with that little baby. The suffering is over. I can finally remember her as she was, my lovely Sarah.’ He reached out and took Mia’s hand. ‘You’re a good girl, Mia. You’ve been wonderful through this whole nightmare. You were a great sister. Sarah always looked up to you. She was mad about you. Olivia told me I don’t praise you enough, so I want you to know that I’m very proud of you.’

  Mia leaned into her father and laid her head on his shoulder. ‘Thank you, Dad. That means the world to me.’

  They stood in silence looking out over the bay. Mia made a mental note to be nicer to Olivia from now on.

  Adam approached them. ‘I’ve written my message. I think everyone has. We should probably let them go soon – Izzy’s getting overwhelmed.’

  ‘Sure.’ Mia wiped her eyes and followed him to Izzy. ‘Are you ready, pet?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Izzy said.

  ‘Let’s get everyone to line up, then, and we’ll count to three and let them go up into the sky to Sarah.’

  ‘Will she get them, Mia? Will she read them?’

  ‘I think so, Izzy, I really do.’

  ‘Is she lonely up there?’

  ‘Well, she has baby Ben with her and Granny Penny, and she has all of our love going up to her in the sky, so I think she’s OK.’

  Izzy turned to Charlie. ‘Granddad, I talked to Mummy last night and she answered me.’

  ‘Isn’t that wonderful?’ Charlie smiled down at her.

  ‘She said, “I will always love you, Sweet-pea.”’

  ‘Did it make you feel a little bit better?’ Charlie asked.

  Izzy nodded. ‘Yes. But I still miss her.’

  They lined up. Mia watched Zach slip his hand into Riley’s and her daughter leaned close to him. He was a good kid. Mia could tell the good from the bad after years of teaching. Zach was a good one.

  Don’t interfere, Mia could almost hear her sister saying. I won’t, Sarah, I’ll trust her.

  Izzy was holding Adam’s hand. ‘Are you ready, sweetie?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, Daddy.’

  ‘Let’s show Mummy how much we love her, then. One, two, three!’ Adam shouted.

  They all let go of their balloons. Eight white balloons sailed up into the sky. They bobbed among the clouds. Up and away. Floating towards the sky, Heaven and Sarah.

  ‘We love you, Mummy,’ Izzy shouted, as she chased the balloons down to the water’s edge.

  Adam mouthed up at the sky, ‘I love you.’

  Mia’s heart ached for him. He had lost so much.

  ‘You OK?’ Johnny asked.

  ‘Yes, thanks. I think the ashes will be harder,’ Mia said.

  Adam walked over to where the urn was sitting carefully in a box. He took it out, kissed it and walked down to the water’s edge. He called Izzy over.

  Slowly Adam removed the top of the urn and held it out. Everyone took a handful of ashes.

  ‘This is my first time scattering ashes. What do we do?’ Zach whispered to Riley.

  ‘Mum said we throw them into the sea,’ Riley told him.

  Izzy took a handful of the ashes. ‘Is this really Mummy?’

  ‘No. Mummy is up in Heaven. This is like a kind of symbol of her,’ Adam said – fudging it well, Mia thought.

  ‘Thank you, Sarah. Thank you for being my best friend and for being my guiding light, even in death,’ Mia whispered, as she let her sister go, out to sea, out into the other world.

  Mia saw Johnny wiping away tears. She went over to him and put her arms around his waist. ‘I love you, Johnny Hegarty,’ she said. ‘Thanks for being my rock these past few weeks. I know you loved her too.’

  Johnny held her hand and squeezed. ‘She was one of my favourite people in the world.’

  ‘Me too,’ Mia said.

  ‘Me three,’ Riley said, behind them. She put her arms around her mother and kissed her cheek. ‘I’m here for you, Mum. I know that no one can ever replace Sarah, but I’m going to try to be a better daughter and a friend to you as well.’

  Mia smiled at her and stroked her cheek. ‘Thank you.’

  They stood and held each other as Sarah’s ashes sailed away on the ocean. Gone but not forgotten.

  July

  * * *

  57

  Mia watched out of the window as they pulled up in the car. She could see suitcases piled high in the back. She ran down to greet them.

  Izzy bounded towards her. ‘Daddy said you have a super-special present for me!’ she said.

  ‘Yes, I do. Come on in.’

  Mia kissed Adam’s cheek and the three of them went into the kitchen. She looked at Adam. He nodded. She bent down and handed Izzy a package.

  ‘What is it?’ Izzy asked.

  ‘It’s a very special gift that your mummy left for you. I wanted to wait until the right time to give them to you, when things were calmer and you had time to read them with your daddy. Your mummy wrote seven letters to you. One for each year of your life.’

  ‘Wow. I didn’t know that she’d done that,’ Adam said.

  ‘I found them in her diary, which I wanted to give to you.’ She handed it to him.

  ‘I was wondering where that was,’ Adam said.

  ‘I kept it because it made me feel close to her. I’m sorry, I should have given it to you before but I … Well, sorry.’

  Adam hugged it to his chest. ‘I wouldn’t have been able to handle reading it before now anyway.’

  Mia knodded and turned to Izzy. ‘I thought you could read the letters on the plane with your dad. It’ll help pass some of the time.’

  ‘I can’t wait.’ Izzy’s eyes shone.

  ‘It’ll be like a really special present from your mum.’

  Adam held out his hand. ‘Will I keep those safe for you, Izzy, so we can read them later – just the two of us?’

  Izzy nodded. ‘Yes, please, Daddy. Keep them super-safe.’

  ‘Riley’s upstairs if you want to say hi,’ Mia told her.

  Izzy darted out of the room and up to see her cousin.

  ‘So,’ Mia said.

  ‘So.’ Adam smiled.

  ‘Are you looking forward to Canada?’

  Adam nodded. ‘We need a change. The house is so quiet without her. It feels like a stranger’s home. I want to take Izzy away from all the sorrow and let her be a kid again. Being with Rob and Ellen will be good for both of us.’

  ‘It will. It’ll be nice for you to hav
e Rob’s support too.’

  ‘Yes, he’s been great. He’s on the phone constantly.’

  ‘You need a break. You’ve been through so much.’

  ‘We all have,’ Adam said.

  ‘Yes, but you most of all. You must look after yourself. Izzy needs you.’

  ‘I know. I’ve started sleeping a bit more and my appetite is slowly coming back. I feel slightly more human.’

  Mia smiled. She knew how he felt. She’d begun to sleep and eat again. Not much, but things were slowly improving. ‘We’ll miss you.’

  ‘You’ll miss Izzy.’ Adam smiled wryly.

  ‘We’ll miss both of you. You will come back, won’t you?’

  ‘Yes. My business is here, and Izzy’s family is here too. But we’ll try to spend a month or two in Canada every summer, if we can. I’d like Rob to see more of Izzy. I want him and Ellen to be involved in her life, too.’

  ‘Of course, and I’m sure Izzy will love it. We’ll be dying to hear all about it.’

  ‘Izzy’s made me promise to Skype you every Sunday and I’ll send you photos and videos too.’

  ‘Great, I’d love that. So would Riley.’

  Adam pulled his hands out of the pockets of his trousers. ‘Look, Mia, I’m sorry about –’

  Mia held up a hand. ‘You have nothing to apologize for. You were in Hell. You wanted to save your son. I get it. We all get it. I probably would have done the same in your position.’

  ‘But I treated you and Charlie badly and I’m truly sorry for that.’

  ‘It was an impossible situation. You’re a great dad, Adam. Izzy is lucky to have you.’

  ‘I mess up every day. But I’m trying. I can make good pancakes now, so that’s a start.’ He tried to smile, but his face crumpled. ‘God, I miss her so much.’

  Mia hugged him. ‘I know you do. She adored you. You made her so happy.’

  ‘I was so lucky to have her in my life.’ He sobbed.