by Lisa Shelby
“I have no idea if it’s Jesse’s family, but I do know that I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to show any signs of them getting to me. It’s really important to me that I stay, if that’s okay with you?”
“Of course, you do what feels right to you, but please go see Mr. Utz right now and fill him in.”
“Jonathan Kelly, Mrs. Colyer, nice to meet you. I’m a Portland police officer and Officer Blackburn and I are on top of this. We’ll take her to the office right now.”
“Nice to meet you, Officer Kelly. Thank you for helping Emily out with all of this.”
“Of course, we’re gonna head over to the office and I’ll have her back soon.”
Jonathan ushers me out with his hand on the small of my back and we meet up with Officer Blackburn in the hall to make our way to the office.
The principal is in a meeting, so we have to wait in the office until he’s available. I can’t help but fidget. I have one hand worrying my necklace while one leg bounces up and down. Jonathan puts his hand on my leg and strokes his hand up my thigh and then back down to my knee, over and over. Eventually, my leg stops bouncing and I grab his hand in mine.
I turn to look at him. To take more strength from him. He holds my stare; telling me it’s going to be okay without any words. He’s such a calming force and makes the constant anxiety that I feel seem to slip away.
How did I get through these past years without him?
At the moment, he may not be taking away all of my anxiety but he does make me feel like I’ll get through it and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. He feeds my soul every time he looks at me.
Principal Utz opens his door and calls us in. We go over the details of the threats and show him the latest letter. We also bring up Jesse Miller and the fact that this started just after I reported his abuse. He makes arrangements with Officer Blackburn to view the videos from the few cameras that are spread out throughout the school. It’s a quick conversation and before you know it we’re leaving his office and I’m heading back to class.
Jonathan makes me promise to not go anywhere in the school without Blackburn, and to text him if I need him. Thankfully, I only have an hour and a half left in my work day. Jonathan says he’s going to take care of a couple things and will be back to pick me up.
I feel the loss of his calming force when he waves goodbye. I head back to class with Officer Blackburn and pray that I can keep it together for the next hour and a half.
Chapter 27
Jonathan
I can feel myself raging as I walk out of the school. I couldn’t even touch her when I left because I knew that I wouldn’t leave without her if I did. The thought of leaving her at that school knowing that somebody is messing with her is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Thank God she only has an hour and a half left and then she’ll be with me again. I may go out of my fucking mind otherwise.
Once I get in my truck I pull out my phone and pull up the info I had gathered on Saturday. While Emily was studying and Ireland was watching her movie, I was emailing back and forth with my favorite records clerk at work getting as much info on the Jesse Miller situation as possible. I program his address into my phone and point my truck in the direction of his house.
I’m sure it’s not Jesse, but it just makes sense that this is connected to Emily reporting his abuse. I know this is against the rules and I shouldn’t be using my resources at work to solve a problem in my personal life, let alone be going to his house when I am off duty, but fuck it. I have to get to the bottom of this. Emily has enough to deal with and doesn’t need this shit.
I pull up to the nondescript single story apartment complex, park in front of apartment four and turn the truck off. I get out and head up to the door and knock. It only takes a minute for the door to swing open and there stands a burly, unkept teenage boy who I can only assume is Jesse.
“Hi, I’m Officer Kelly with the Portland Police Department. Are your parents home?”
“Uh, no it’s just me.”
“Are you Jesse Miller?”
“Yes. Am I in trouble officer?”
“No, you aren’t in trouble, bud. I’m just checking in on you for a friend of mine, Emily Jacobs. She’s a Teaching Assistant at the high school and she wanted me to check on you.”
I watch to see if any emotions flash across his face at the mention of her name. All I see is relief that I’m just here to do a welfare check and not because he’s in trouble.
“Oh, Miss J is the best. Tell her thanks for checking on me. I really appreciate everything she did for me that day.”
“She’s worried that you haven’t been back to class. Is everything okay?”
“Uh, well things are okay I guess.”
“Talk to me. What’s going on? Can I help with anything?”
“Well, I don’t really think there is anything that you can do for me, sir. My dad is in jail and it doesn’t look like he will be out anytime soon. My mom took off years ago. I have a little brother and I know if we look for help they will probably separate us. I can’t let that happen, so I’m trying to find a job that I can work during the day while he’s at school and somehow not lose our apartment. My brother has already been through too much and I can’t let him be taken off to foster care.”
“So, you don’t have any family that can help out or that you can go stay with?”
“My grandma was here with us but I turned eighteen last week, so she left the day after. I have an aunt and some cousins nearby but they don’t really have room for us. I don’t know what else to do, sir. I know that Children's Services thinks my grandma is still here, and I’m probably breaking the law, but I just can’t lose him to the system.”
Poor kid, he’s doing the best he can and trying to keep his tiny little family together. I can appreciate that, but he needs to finish school if he really wants to keep them together in the long run.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Jesse. I want you to take my card and if there is anything I can do, or if you need help please don’t hesitate to give me a call. We need to figure out a way to get you back in school. I’ll update Miss Jacobs on how you’re doing and we’ll see if we can come up with something.”
He apprehensively takes the card from me and I can tell that he’s wondering if I have ulterior motives.
“Really, Jesse, if you need anything at all. A friend of Miss Jacobs is a friend of mine, so call me if you need anything.”
“Thank you, sir.”
I turn toward my truck and hear the door to apartment four shut behind me. I really don’t know what I expected from my visit, but I just needed to come here to talk to him myself and try to get a vibe on things. I can’t help but wonder if I should have mentioned the threats to Emily, but I didn’t want to add to his worries. I saw the look on his face when he talked about her. It’s the same look most people get when they talk about her; a look of fondness and thankfulness to have her in their life. I know the feeling. I suspect that if he did know something he would have told me, but I could be wrong.
Back to the drawing board I guess. It doesn’t sound like he has any family that he’s that close with or else they would be stepping in, and clearly if they aren’t stepping in they wouldn’t be issuing threats would they? Who is doing this?
All I know is that I am itching with frustration not having Emily and Ireland in my presence. I have never felt the fierce need to protect anybody like I do these two.
Georgia: Hey, you cool with me picking Ireland up a little early?
Gracie: Uh...sure is everything okay?
How do I tell her that I just need to have one of them with me so that I don’t lose my fucking mind? I don’t.
Georgia: Everything is good. Just thought I could take her for a snack and then come pick you up. It really will only be 30 mins early.
Gracie: Sure. She will love it.
Oh, thank Christ. I drive as fast as I can to Ireland’s school that we just left a few hours ago. It
feels like forever after seeing the picture and knowing that whoever this is knows her name. I should probably look into the fact that it could be somebody at the school. Not sure how Emily could have hurt anybody’s family, but right now I will search any avenue that I can to figure this out.
I arrive at the school within minutes and as soon as I walk in, I see Ireland sitting and listening to story time with all the other kids. I sign her out and head to where the kids are gathered. As soon as she sees me her mouth drops open, her eyes go wide and she gasps! I put my finger up to my mouth to remind her to stay quiet and she instantly pops her cute little hand over her mouth. She gets up from her spot on the floor and runs over to me and jumps in my arms.
The fact that she is so comfortable with me—and has been since the first time I met her—is something that I can’t wrap my brain around. I feel like I’ve known her for her entire life…if only that were true. I cannot even imagine how adorable she was as a baby because she is the cutest kid I’ve ever seen. Her big brown eyes do me in every time she looks at me and it’s like she knows I’ll do whatever she asks.
“Why you pick me up, Jonafon?” Ireland asks as I strap her into her little booster seat in the back seat of my truck. I never thought I would see one of those in the back of my truck, but it’s a nice accessory if you ask me.
“I just wanted to see you and I thought we could go get a snack and pick your momma up together. Sound like a plan?”
“Sounds like a great plan!”
“I was thinking we could run up to Elka’s and grab a scone?”
“Yuck, I don’t like scones, Jonafon. What else?”
“Well, they have lots of different treats there so we’ll find you something, I promise.”
“Okay, deal.”
After getting our treats at Elka’s, we head to the high school to pick Emily up. I put the tailgate down and Ireland and I sit with our legs swinging, eating our treats and waiting for Em.
Not too long after, she walks out of the building and my heart soars when I see her face light up when she sees us waiting for her. These two have turned me into a damn ball of mush and there is no denying it.
Shit J, these two own you already.
I hand Emily her scone and Ireland shows her what’s left of her flower shaped cookie. I pick Ireland up off the tailgate and get her settled into her booster seat. On the drive home, she tells her mom all about me coming to get her and our trip to Elka’s. You would have thought I had taken her to Disneyland she is so excited.
Shit, Disneyland with Ireland. That is something that needs to happen.
“Wow, sounds like you two have had some fun. Don’t get used to it, baby girl. We won’t have Jonathan around forever to come pick you up for trips to Elka’s. Don’t get too spoiled.”
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
I really cannot believe after all the feelings I have conveyed to her over the last few days that she would have the balls to say something like that to Ireland, of all people, and with me sitting right here in the truck next to her! You have got to be fucking kidding me. The moment the words came out of her mouth, it felt like she had taken a knife and shoved it right through my heart.
“Where is Jonafon going?”
“I’m not going anywhere, Princess.” I grunt out with a clear edge to my voice. If Ireland weren’t in the truck with us I would pull this mother fucker over and deal with this, but she is in the truck and so I just keep on driving.
“Jonathan?” Emily quietly asks for my attention from the passenger seat.
I can’t even look at her as I grip the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are turning white. I can feel a twitching in my jaw.
“Jonathan, what’s wrong? What did I say?”
“You said we wouldn’t have Jonafon forever, mommy. I think that made him mad.”
Gotta love four year olds keepin’ it real. How is it that Ireland knows exactly what’s going on and Emily doesn’t? I mean, what the fuck?
“Oh my God! Jonathan! No, I didn’t mean that how it sounded at all!”
I’m still pissed, but I can feel the ticking in my jaw ease as she looks over her shoulder to explain what she meant to Ireland.
“Baby girl, I just meant that Jonathan won’t always be on vacation and be able to just come and get you whenever he wants. He has a job and usually sleeps during the day. He just happens to have time off this week to spend with us. It doesn’t mean that Jonathan isn’t going to stay our friend for a long time or that you won’t see him. This week is just special. Do you understand?”
“Yes, mommy,” Ireland replies but sounds a bit sad at the realization that this isn’t her new norm.
I know that she asked Ireland if she was the one that understood her explanation, but I can feel her stare at me as I look straight ahead out the windshield of the truck. I know that she’s really asking me the question. Do I understand? I do, but I also caught the fact that she called me their friend. I don’t know what I expect her to call me, especially to a four-year-old, but it stung a little. She knows I want more, so yeah, it stings. I get it though. I really do. We’re just getting to know each other again and we haven’t defined anything at all…yet…so I guess friends is what we are at the moment.
“Jonathan?”
Yep, just like I thought, she was really asking me for confirmation that I understood what she meant. And if I pull my head out of my ass I would realize that I do get it. I’ve just spent the last five years pissed at her. It’s really easy to fall back into that feeling and stay there if I’m not careful. I realize in this moment that the constant feeling of anger has dissipated a little bit every day that I’ve had Emily back in my life. Who am I kidding? I can’t stay pissed at her. She’s my Gracie.
“I get it, Em. Thanks for the explanation. I needed that after today. It’s not even noon yet and it’s been a pretty emotional day. I overreacted. Sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry for your reaction. I’m sorry for not thinking about the way it sounded when I said it. You’ve made it more than clear that you don’t want to walk away. I didn’t mean for what I said to sound like it did.”
She reaches across the cab of the truck and takes my hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. She doesn’t let go until we pull into Mick’s driveway. As always, her touch is what I need. By the time we walk through the front door I feel like I’m back to myself again.
The girls set upon their after school routine while I walk the dogs. Frannie and Frank seem to have found a groove already and there might even be a little bit of puppy love going on here. Frank better keep his paws off my girl though. No dog of Mick’s will be getting his groove on with my sweet little Frannie.
Once lunch is out of the way and Ireland is settled, Emily finds me in the kitchen filling a glass with ice from the fridge and then pouring diet coke over it. It’s an addiction and I know it’s not good for me, but after the lack of sleep last night I need all the caffeine help I can get.
“Want some?”
She shakes her head and I see a tear fall down her face. It’s then that I realize that she’s been holding herself together for Ireland, and that she needs this moment to break down for a beat.
I put my glass down and walk towards her. “Come here, Gracie.”
I pull her into me and I wrap my arms around her. Her arms come around my waist and I can feel her balling my shirt up in her hands as she holds on for dear life. I can’t believe on a day like today I was so sensitive to what she said in the truck. I am such a dick.
She isn’t sobbing out loud, but the tears don’t stop, and I can feel my shirt dampening with each tear that falls. It’s seems as though she has perfected how to cry in silence over the years, trying to hide her pain and worry from her precious little girl because she’s a great mom and that’s what moms do. I don’t say a word and I don’t let go. I need to let her take whatever time she needs, and we’ll talk once she’s ready.
After several minutes of holding
her and letting her get it all out she steps back, but stays in my arms. “Thank you, I needed that. I’m good now in fact…I think I’m better than your shirt. Sorry,” she says as she tries to wipe the dampness off with her hands just to give herself something to do.
“No need to be sorry. It’s been a crazy day and you’re allowed to get some of that crazy out. You ready talk about it?”
She takes my drink off the counter where I left it, takes a sip, nods her answer, hands me my drink and heads to the family room where she flops down on the couch. She sits with her back against the arm of the chair, and I tap her legs as a signal for her to lift her legs. I sit next to her and she puts her legs over my lap.
“So, I heard back from Blackburn. He said that there aren’t any cameras in your hallway, but they checked all the camera angles in the main hall that leads to your room and there weren’t any adults that didn’t belong. It was just the appropriate students and maybe their friends. He didn’t see anything odd, but I’m still gonna take a look myself tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” I ask to make sure she’s good to go on.
“Yep, so where did you go after you left the school?”
“Well…I um…shit. Listen, I know it wasn’t policy and I shouldn’t have gone, but I went to Jesse Miller’s apartment to talk to him.”
“You what?” She says as her bloodshot eyes open wide.
“Let me explain. I know it sounds bad, and I swear I didn’t even tell him about what was going on with you. I just wanted to go to his place to see what family might be with him. I don’t know why, but I had this need to go there myself. I identified myself as an officer, told him I was a friend of yours and was checking on him for you. I don’t know what I thought would come of my visit, but I needed to do it for me since he’s the only link we can come up with in this whole mess.”
“Okay and what did you find out? How is he?”