by Karly Morgan
Unfortunately, my stomach took that exact moment to make both its presence and preference known. Kolton wasn’t on its menu either. I gave him an embarrassed look as he pulled away.
“Fine. We feed ya, even though hospital food’s likely to be better than anythin’ Caleb throws together in there, and then I take ya to our room and we work up another appetite altogether,” Kolton told me, sweeping me up in his arms and carrying me into the kitchen, ignoring my protests against him doing so.
“I heard that,” Caleb grumbled as we entered the room, but Kolton didn’t acknowledge the man had spoken as he settled me into my usual seat.
“I’m not an invalid, you know,” I told him, pushing his hands away from me. “I can manage just fine on those crutches to get from the living room to the table without having to be carried.”
“It makes me happy havin’ ya in my arms,” Kolton pouted as he took his seat next to me and turned puppy dog eyes in my direction that almost caused me to laugh once again. The true sadness in his eyes stopped me before I could, and my heart broke for what he’d lost all over again.
“And I love being in your arms, as long as it’s for the right reason. There are things I need to do for myself though,” I told him, placing my hand over his on the table and squeezing it. “I’m glad you want to make this as easy on me as you possibly can, but I’ll never fully heal until I can conquer this on my own.”
I imagined Bonnie sitting in her vacant chair at the head of the table telling Kolton to give me my space, and tears instantly pooled in my eyes. Before I’d realized Kolton had seen them, he had me swept up in his arms and seated on his lap as he buried his face in my hair.
“Y’all have a room, ya know?” Caleb asked a few minutes later, his words choppy as if we’d all pictured the same thing and reacted.
The entire kitchen was almost stifling with our combined grief for the loss of one amazing woman. By the way Kolton had wrapped himself around me, I was pretty sure he’d imagined the same thing I had.
“Don’tcha have some work on the ranch ya gotta get back to?” Kolton snapped, this time it wasn’t the banter they’d been indulging in earlier but bitterness at the interruption of our embrace. I ran my palm across Kolton’s cheek, trying to give him some comfort as I snuggled closer to him.
“Busy makin’ lunch. Don’t need the two of ya distractin’ me while I’m workin’, so take that lovey-dovey crap somewhere else,” Caleb shot back, his voice heavy as if he was remembering similar moments between him and Bonnie. I hoped he’d eventually be able to work through his grief and find someone new to love someday. He had so much of it to offer.
“Sorry,” I told him, hoping Kolton would keep quiet and not push an argument. “We’ll be good.”
Caleb snorted but didn’t say anything else, and to my great relief, Kolton stayed quiet, holding me in his arms.
“What are you making?” I asked Caleb, the silence between the two men killing me.
“Beef stew with leftover pot roast fixin’s,” Caleb replied, not pausing a moment from what he was doing to look my direction.
“Sounds yummy. Need any help?” I offered, knowing he probably wouldn’t accept but hoped it would help ease the tension in the room.
Kolton tightened his arms around me as if I had just offered my services doing volunteer work somewhere in Africa instead of just across the room to Caleb.
“I got it, but thanks,” he tossed over his shoulder.
“Let me know if I can help in any way,” I told him, running my fingers through Kolton’s overgrown hair. He’d already kept it at a longer than usual length, but with everything going on, he hadn’t had it trimmed for a while. I kind of liked it.
“Keep doin’ that, darlin’, and you’ll be waitin’ even longer for lunch,” Kolton growled in my ear, and my nipples hardened instantly as my core clenched with longing. I forced my fingers to still amongst the silky strands of his hair as I looked up and met his desire-filled eyes.
Unfortunately, my stomach still wasn’t on board with what both Kolton and I would rather be doing and protested the idea of waiting longer for food quite loudly.
“I’m workin’, I’m workin’! Damn that woman of yours is demandin’,” Caleb yelled, surprising me at first, but I quickly got over it and laughed.
“What she wants, she gets. Need me to come help so she gets fed faster and her stomach can quit hollerin’ at us?” Kolton asked, amusement filling his voice and warming my heart.
“Ya might as well. I don’t know how much more of that thunder I can take,” Caleb teased and shot me a grin over his shoulder as Kolton resituated me in my own chair—which ironically had been his usual seat before I took over it—and headed over to pitch in. Soon they were back to their good-natured bickering as they worked together to prepare us lunch.
It was nice seeing the two come together the way they were and prayed they wouldn’t end up separating without Bonnie being the glue binding them together. For all I knew, it could end up being too painful for Caleb to stay here at the ranch without Bonnie here and he could take off for greener pastures with less painful memories. As much as Kolton insisted he’d lost the last member of his family when Bonnie passed, I knew by watching them together, he was wrong. Caleb and I were the last remaining members of his family, and as soon as we could put my father and Carver in our rearview mirror, we’d be adding a child to that family too.
“Ya okay there, missy?” Caleb asked, a brow raised when he took his seat across from mine, next to Bonnie’s vacant one.
“Yeah. Got lost in thought there for a minute. Sorry,” I replied, offering him a reassuring smile, but he still looked worried.
“What were ya thinkin’ about?” Kolton asked as he set a steaming bowl in front of me, concern etched all over his handsome face.
“Nothing important,” I told them, wanting to keep those thoughts to myself for now.
Kolton gave me an impatient look, as if he wanted to push, but thankfully, he took his own seat without another word. It meant a lot to me that he’d backed down and trusted me enough not to badger me about the subject.
“So let’s say grace then,” Caleb said, reaching his hands across the table toward us, an expectant look on his face.
“No,” Kolton stated, picking up his spoon and dipping it into his bowl, refusing to even look at Caleb.
“Kolton—”
“I’m not prayin’ to a God that took my mama the way he did. You can say all the prayers ya want to; just leave me the hell outta it,” he declared, and I understood his pain.
Bonnie had consistently enforced saying grace and blessing the food before we’d eaten and it was just too hard of a thing for Kolton to bear doing without his mother there with them to say it. I’d known his faith was almost nonexistent and it wasn’t very shocking to find what little had remained in him before, was vaporized with losing his mother.
“Damn it, Kolt—”
“Stop swearin’ in front of my wife. I’m not sayin’ grace, and that’s that.”
Caleb opened his mouth to argue further, but I placed both of my hands in his.
“It’s okay. We’ll say grace,” I told him in a soft voice, missing Bonnie in this moment the same as Kolton and Caleb both were. I knew their pain was deeper than mine possibly could have been, both having much longer with her than I’d had, but forcing Kolton into something he wasn’t—and may never be—ready for, wasn’t an argument I was about to allow to happen. Not if I could help it.
Caleb quickly blessed our food, and then the two of us joined Kolton in digging in. The stew was delicious, and I was too busy stuffing my mouth to pay any attention to the tense silence filling the room. Kolton had snuck in outside food as often as he could, but the nurses were good at their jobs, so he’d only made it to my room with good stuff a few times. Most of what I’d eaten had been nasty and almost unidentifiable.
When my bowl was empty, I finally looked up to find both men openly staring at me, and I felt my
skin heat and flush.
“What?” I demanded to know, squaring my shoulders and crossing my arms over my chest, ignoring the fact I was embarrassed as hell for devouring my food like a pig.
“Want some more?” Caleb asked, a grin beginning to tip his lips as he fought it back.
“Yes please,” I responded, somehow still hungry when I knew I should have been full.
Without a word, Kolton grabbed my bowl and went back to the stove to refill it for me. Caleb left his seat and returned with glasses and a pitcher of sweet tea for us and didn’t sit until each of our glasses was full.
I sipped at the tea until Kolton returned with my bowl, and I went back to eating as if someone were about to steal my food from me. I managed to eat most of the second bowl I’d been served before being unable to eat a bite more.
“That was good,” I complimented them as I leaned back in my chair. I refused to acknowledge their gaping mouths at how much food I’d sucked down.
“Glad ya liked it,” Caleb finally managed to say as he continued to stare at me as if I were from an entirely different planet.
“What?” I asked, challenging him to say anything.
“Were they starvin’ ya at that hospital?” Kolton finally asked.
“Let’s just say I only choked down enough of that slop to survive,” I replied before taking a sip of sweet tea.
“Would ya like some more?” Caleb asked carefully.
“I’m good now. Thank you,” I told him, gently pushing my chair away from the table to take my bowl to the sink before remembering that Kolton had carried me in the kitchen and left my crutches in the living room.
“I’ve got that,” Kolton said, taking the bowl from my hand. “Relax for a few minutes while I get the dishes done, and I’ll take ya up to our room so you can get some rest.”
“Just get me my crutches, and I’ll do the dishes since you both cooked,” I told him, giving him a look that dared him to argue with me.
“Not happenin’, darlin’. Until that foot is completely healed, you’re just gonna have to deal with me takin’ care of ya,” he told me before turning toward the sink and getting started on the dishes.
“Caleb, will you please go get me my crutches since my stubborn ass of a husband won’t?” I asked as sweetly as possible, anger raging through me at Kolton’s refusal to allow me to help in any way. I was beyond tired of being the damsel in distress. It was time for me to stand up and be the woman I’d always felt in my heart I should be. The woman I knew would make Bonnie proud.
“Don’t bring me inta this,” Caleb told me, backing his chair up with his hands in the air.
“Fine. I’ll get them myself,” I muttered under my breath as I pushed up from the chair, steadied myself on one foot, and began hopping toward the living room, determined not to be helpless from this point forward. Kolton could dictate all he wanted, but I had a fully functional brain of my own and was tired of being told what I could and could not do by a domineering male. I’d grown up taking that from my father; I’d be damned if I took it from my husband too.
“What the hell do you think you’re doin’?” Kolton demanded, suddenly right next to me with his dripping-wet hands grabbing ahold of me and spinning me to face him.
“Going to get my crutches to help. I’ll be damned if I bow to your dictatorship the way I did to my father’s,” I ground out, pissed as hell. I heard the back door click shut and knew without looking that Caleb had tucked tail and ran for the hills.
“Dictatorship? That’s what you think I was doing? Dictating to you?” Kolton asked, utter disbelief written all over his face and coloring his words.
“What the hell else would you call it? You’re busy telling me what I can and cannot do just like my father did. That’s a dictatorship,” I bit out.
“Contrary to your belief, I’m not tryin’ to run your life, but you’ve been through hell and back, and I’m tryin’ to give you the time ya need to fully heal. I couldn’t be there to stop that jackass from hurtin’ ya, but I can be here to take care of ya now. Why won’t you let me take care of ya?” Kolton pleaded, and I saw in his eyes the torment he’d been putting himself through for not being there that day to stop what had happened to me, and it broke my heart in ways I couldn’t even put into words. I finally understood that he wasn’t substituting caring for me for caring for Bonnie. He was doing it out of guilt and self-loathing for not being there for me when I’d truly needed him most.
My anger dissolved, and I sagged against him, loving when his arms came around me and caught me in his embrace.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t understand, and I’m tired of playing the role of the weak female. I want to be strong and able to care for myself the way your mama did,” I told him, tears filling my eyes. I needed him to understand me the way I now understood him and where he was coming from. “I need to feel like I can actually do things and be helpful, because I’ve always been made to feel like I’m just a toy to be played with when the mood strikes whoever’s running my life at the time, whether it was my father, mother, or even Carver. I just can’t do that anymore.”
“I’m sorry too,” he said and swept me up in his arms.
I didn’t know where he was going, but I was pleasantly surprised when he steadied me on my good foot and handed me my crutches. He made sure I was secure on them before we went back into the kitchen and finished doing the dishes together, as the team we were meant to be.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Kolton
The day I’d been dreading since the doctor first diagnosed Mama’s failing heart had come: her funeral. I laid awake while Carissa slumbered in my arms next to me, her body curled around mine as if she was trying to protect me from the upcoming emotional onslaught I was about to experience. No matter how hard I tried to block them, the memories flooded through my head, one after another after another, ripping my heart apart as each new one surfaced.
No relief came when the sun finally appeared on the horizon to start the day. Carissa murmured in her sleep and shifted against me before settling in once more with her head on my chest and leg thrown across my hip. Not even her enticing body could pull me out of the misery filling my heart and mind, but I hugged her closer anyway because she did provide a comfort I never thought I’d ever need.
“Have you been awake all night?” Carissa mumbled sleepily as her arm snaked across my naked stomach to the other side of my waist, pulling herself closer to me.
“Yeah,” I replied, exhaustion finally nipping at my consciousness, but it was too late now to try to catch a short nap before the worst day of my life fully commenced. Besides, someone had to get the animals fed and stalls mucked before the funeral began. The animals couldn’t be left unattended like some of the other chores were going to be.
“Why didn’t you wake me? I would’ve stayed up with you,” she asked carefully, but I could hear the hurt she was trying to mask.
“I couldn’t bear to disturb how peaceful ya looked lyin’ there, cuddled up beside me,” I told her with a small smile and leaned down to kiss the top of her head as we held each other close.
I knew she was feeling the loss of my mama as well, though she hadn’t said much about her own grief. Instead, she’d put everyone who’d known my mother before herself, offering comfort, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen. I’d been in awe of how much she’d been able to get the guys around the ranch to open up in the few days since she’d been home from the hospital, including Caleb eventually. “You deserved the rest, after all ya been doin’ around here.”
“I haven’t done much of anything because you won’t let me,” Carissa complained, lifting her head and giving me a glare meant to scare me, but it just looked damned cute on her. She had a lot of learning and work to do if she were going to get to Mama’s level of inciting fear with just one look.
“You’ve done a lot more than ya think you’ve done,” I told her, laying her head back down on my chest and stroking her hair between my f
ingers.
“What exactly is it you think I’ve accomplished?” she asked, trying to lift her head and look at me again, but with just a little pressure, I managed to keep it pinned against my heart.
“Don’t think I haven’t noticed the difference in Caleb and the hands or ya talkin’ to them,” I grumbled.
At first I’d been livid when I saw her talking to Justin like they were old friends when the man was supposed to be working. They were strolling along, her on her crutches, chatting away as if they didn’t have a care in the world. I’d started over to reprimand them both when I caught wind of their conversation, and it blew me away.
“She was the ma I never had. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without her there ta tell me what she thinks or how stupid I’m bein’. I don’t even think Kolt knows just how much his mama meant ta the rest of us guys,” Justin said, emotion choking his voice. Carissa reached up and pulled him in for a hug.
“She was the only one who ever showed me what a mother’s love should be,” she told him, her sadness filling her voice. “Unlike you, I only had that for a few weeks. You’re blessed because you had it for years. Cherish those memories. Whenever you don’t know which direction to go, quiet your mind and listen for Bonnie in your heart. She hasn’t truly left us. She’s still here, watching over all of us. It’s just different than it was before.”
“Do ya really think so?” Justin asked, hope lighting his face and filling his voice.
“I do. I have no doubt you were just as important to her as she was to you. She wouldn’t just abandon us all,” Carissa spoke confidently, smiling as the words left her lips. “She’s too stubborn. You just have to calm your mind and the noise around you. Feel her presence in your soul, and she’ll be there. Probably just as bossy as ever.”
Justin belted out a laugh and nodded his head in agreement. “She sure had a way of puttin’ the fear of God into ya.”
Deciding not to interrupt them, I went to the stables. I had tears filling my eyes I’d barely held back after eavesdropping. Once I was alone, they broke free, and I lost all semblance of control over my grief. It took almost an hour to pull myself back together enough to get back to work. By then, both Justin and Carissa had disappeared.