A bit of research told me that bean really was about the size of a bean. That being said, I wasn’t expecting much from the scan.
I was so wrong.
When that sound, so quick and strong, echoed around the room, I fell in love all over again. I pictured myself holding my father for the very last time, and I felt like he was right there with me in the beat of my baby’s heart. It was the most beautiful music I’d ever heard. Irish looked up, eyes filled with tears, and for the first time since I’d lost my father, I knew.
I’d found the miracle that made my life complete.
“Well, congratulations, Mum and Dad. The baby has a good, strong heartbeat, and from the measurements I’ve taken, I’d estimate you to be about nine weeks along. So, all being well, you’re looking at a spring baby,” the technician said. She handed me pictures that she’d printed out for us to keep. Staring at the fuzzy image, I wondered how someone so tiny had the power to bring a man like me to my knees. Because from this moment on, my life would never be the same.
***
“Are you and the boys good to stay with her today? I don’t want to leave her alone with Alastair still running around,” I said to Luca.
“You do know that we were looking after her long before you came along, don’t you?” he replied sarcastically.
“Yeah, well, she’s mine to look after now, and I don’t want her alone.”
“I get that you worry about her, but I think that we can handle Alastair,” he scoffed.
“He deliberately drove a car into the back of my bike and put Tommy and your sister in the hospital. Are you seriously willing to take the risk that he won’t try something else now that he knows she’s pregnant? Because I’m fuckin’ not,” I said angrily.
I liked Irish’s brothers, but I was getting seriously fucked off with this shit. If Tommy or any of the boys were here and I asked them to look after my girl, they’d have guarded her with their lives.
“He did what? I knew he was doing some creepy stalker shit, but nothing like this” Luca replied, his expression becoming stormy.
“It’s a long story and I’ll explain later. Just don’t leave her,” I told him.
“We’re not going anywhere. One of us will be with her all day,” he reassured me.
I nodded, hoping I was doing the right thing. I hated leaving, but Irish had enough to worry about without the constant threat of Alastair hanging over our heads. What I wanted to do was find him and beat the shit out of him again. But my child’s father needed to be a better man than that. It was time I started thinking with my head, instead of my fist.
We walked into Irish’s room and saw her dressed and sat on the bed.
“Have you been discharged?” I asked.
“The nurse is doing the paperwork now,” she replied. Her packed bag waited at the foot of the bed, and I could tell she was eager to leave.
“Won’t you let me come with you?” she pleaded.
“No, love, you need to be resting. I don’t want you or the baby in that dirty fuckin’ building full of criminals.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “It’s full of police as well you know.”
“Yeah, forgive me if I don’t want my hot, pregnant girlfriend around a bunch of guys in uniform either,” I replied, moving to stand between her legs.
She grabbed the collar of my jacket and pulled me forward until our noses were touching.
Luca coughed loudly, letting us know he was still there.
“Yeah, I’m just gonna take Marie’s bag down to the car. Try and remember when I’m gone that she’s my sister. There’s some shit brothers really don’t need to see,” Luca mumbled the last bit to himself as he grabbed Marie’s bag.
She looked anxious as she slipped a hand inside my jacket, running it down my chest until it rested over my heart.
“It’s so strong,” she whispered.
“That’s because it beats for you.”
Her smile was a punch to the gut every time. I traced my calloused thumb gently across her bottom lip, mesmerised by its softness.
“I feel like I should go with you, like it’s the right thing to do,” she said.
“Do you know what I’ve been dreaming about these last few days?” I brushed her hair over her shoulder, so I could lean in to kiss and nuzzle the underside of her jaw.
“What?” she asked breathlessly.
“You and me. In our own bed. In our own house. I wanna strip you bare so we’re skin to skin and smell you as I sleep. Even if the doctor says we can’t have sex for a while, I still want you that way. I want to kiss every inch of your body, so when you close your eyes, it’s me you dream of,” I said in between kisses.
“It’s always you.”
A feeling of fierce possessiveness, like nothing I’d ever felt before, rolled over me. I wanted to wrap her up in cotton wool and keep her safe from the rest of the world until the baby came. I knew she’d never agreed to it. She was far too independent to let me closet her. But this aggressive need to protect and defend what was more sacred to me than anything else in the world was consuming me. Death laid his hand upon her once, upon the one person to epitomise life itself. If I had to sell my soul to keep her, it wouldn’t touch her again. I vowed, that when she closed her eyes for the last time, it would be as an old lady, warm in her bed.
“One more day,” I promised her, “and I’ll make it happen.”
“One more day,” she agreed, rolling her head to the side to make room for me. I slid my hand into her hair as I resumed my path of kisses. It was pure, blissful torture to be so close to her, knowing that I had to leave. Her touches were featherlight, fingertips stroking along skin, lips brushing across lips. Each touch branded her even more deeply into my soul.
One more day.
That was all, but I felt a terrible sense of foreboding in our parting, and suddenly, one more day seemed like an eternity away.
“Jesus Christ, are you two still at it?” Luca said from the doorway.
“I’ll see you tonight, but I’ll call you later, okay?” I said. “Con texted to say that Tommy is allowed visitors, so I want to see him before I come home.”
“Do you think his family would mind if I visit?” she asked.
“Of course they wouldn’t. If you feel up to it, I’ll take you tomorrow,” I told her.
“I’d like that. I’ll see you tonight.” She kissed me goodbye, and Luca coughed again, making her giggle. It was that beautiful sound that followed me. The sound I wanted to listen to for the rest of my life.
***
My morning at the police station felt like a complete waste of fucking time. The officers I spoke to seemed like decent guys, but they weren’t exactly optimistic about my chances of getting Tommy and Irish the justice they deserved. Irish hadn’t made a single complaint to the police about Alastair’s stalking, so it would really be her word against his. After a lengthy argument, they agreed to investigate, but unless they could find the car, there was nothing to tie the manipulative little shit to the accident. Even then they warned that a decent barrister might be able to argue that someone else had been driving.
It was only last night, when I was wondering what Danny would make of all this, that it occurred to me that there might be another party with a vested interest in sorting out this mess. Needing to cover up the tattoos and make myself halfway presentable, I rushed home to change into my universal suit. The one and only suit I owned that only made an appearance for hatches, matches, and dispatches. Liam had taken Dris to Ma’s, and I realised something. Our house that I’d loved so much was just a shell. It took Irish and Dris to make it a home.
I looked up at the imposing red, brick building. It smelt of old money, if that were possible. I smoothed my hand nervously down my black, silk tie. Taking a deep breath, I reached for the chrome handle of the monstrous glass door as I steeled myself to look like a man holding all the cards.
Four hours later, I walked down the sterile hospital corridor lined w
ith rows of mundane artwork designed to make each of the halls completely indistinguishable from any other.
At the end of the long walk sat John, Tommy’s da. With his head tipped back against the wall and his eyes closed, he looked like he was praying. The last few days had aged him immeasurably. His hands rested on his knees. Those hands, that had looked so strong and capable when I was boy, were now so weathered and frail. He opened his eyes as he heard my footsteps walking towards him, and he gave me a sad smile.
“Kieran, my boy. How are you doing?”
His wife was so vibrant and full of life, but John couldn’t be more different. His calm, steadfast nature meant that they were the perfect balance for one another. He was her rock and the centre of her world. You only needed to be in the same room as them to see the love they had for one another was a palpable thing.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?” I asked, taking a seat next to him.
“I’m as good as can be expected, son.”
“Where’s Mary?”
“She wanted to go to mass, so your Ma’s taken her down to see Father Pat.”
“You didn’t want to go too?”
“The nurse is in with him at the moment, and I like to be the last one to say goodnight to my boy. Besides, I don’t need church to know that God’s right here with me.”
I swallowed hard against the painful lump in my throat. Leaning my elbows on my knees, I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes, willing away the tears that didn’t deserve to fall. Tommy was John’s only son, a son who was completely devoted to his parents. They had raised a great man, a strong, powerful man with a heart of gold. To sit here now, night after night, never knowing when he would wake, was a travesty that no parent should have to endure. But they had endured it. They were enduring it with a strength of character that took my breath away.
“I’m so sorry, John. I’m so sorry for everything. Sorry that it was my bike he came off. Sorry that I asked him to ride it. Sorry that I haven’t been here more since the accident. That I’ve let the boys be here for you and Mary when it should have been me,” I apologised.
“Do you remember after your da died, you came to stay with us for a couple of weeks?” he asked me. I shook my head to answer no, not trusting my voice not to break.
“Well, ya did. And every night you used to cry in your sleep. You didn’t really wake up, so Mary and I were at a loss for what to do. Eventually, Tommy heard you. He never came to get us, or asked us what to do. He just climbed into your bed and gave you a hug till you stopped crying. There aren’t many boys at the age you were then who’d have done that. But my Tommy, he didn’t even think about it. Now, I don’t suppose he ever told you about that, did he?”
I shook my head again, stunned that I’d never heard this story before.
“Well, that’s Tommy for you. Always takin’ care of the people he loves, whether they know it or not. And if he were awake, that’s what he’d be expecting you to do. Not moping around worrying about him. He’d be telling you to take care of that girl of yours. ’Course then he’d be warning you about how he’s gonna be stealin’ her away as soon as he was back on his feet, but that’s Tommy,” he said with a wry chuckle. “Now, I think I’m going to stretch my legs a little and get a cup of coffee. Maybe even have a sneaky cigarette, seeing as Mary isn’t here to give me grief about it. You want anything while I’m gone?”
“No thanks, John. I’m just going to visit with him a bit, if that’s okay?”
“You go right ahead,” he replied. “Tell him his old man will be in soon.”
I walked into the dimly lit room to see a nurse writing in his notes.
“How’s he doing?” I asked her.
“He’s holding in there,” she replied with a genuine smile.
“When will he wake up?”
“Honestly? We don’t know. He’s been in a medically induced coma since his surgery to allow time for the swelling on his brain to go down. We took him off the medication that keeps him in a coma this afternoon, but there’s no hard and fast rule about how long it will take him to wake up.”
“But he’ll be okay though when he wakes up, won’t he?” I asked, my voice breaking a little.
“I’m afraid we don’t know that either. He sustained significant head injuries. Only time will tell whether any of those injuries resulted in permanent brain damage,” she explained sympathetically.
I swallowed hard and nodded, like I understood exactly what she was talking about. But I didn’t understand. Not at all.
“I’ll leave you two to catch up.” She replaced his notes and left us together.
Alone, but for the quiet beeping of his heart machine, I sat in the worn, padded chair, and just cried. . Tommy’s body was a fuckin’ mess. His face, his arms, even his hands were completely battered. Everywhere I looked, tubes and wires were sticking out of him, but the worst thing of all was the quiet. Tommy had never been quiet in all the time I’d known him. I spent most of our lives trying to shut him up. Now, I’d give anything to hear him speak. When I was done, I wiped my eyes and chuckled.
“I know, I know, I’m a fuckin’ pussy. It’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?” I said to him. “Well, you can spend the rest of our lives taking the piss out of me for cryin’ over you, but you’ve got to wake up first, buddy. This fucked-up dysfunctional family only works with you in it.
“You know, since you’ve been lying here, I’ve been going over and over all the things I should have told you, like how you’re the heart of us all. The one who makes us laugh, the one who protects and cares for the people we care about. The one who’s always been there for us. Then I realised that you don’t need me to tell you that, because deep down, I think you already know. What you probably haven’t realised is how much we need you to come back. No matter what, the four of us were never alone, because we always had each other. Without you, we’re all just drifting. Without you, we’re anchorless.
“So, you don’t get to choose to stay asleep. You don’t get to decided that you’re too tired to open your eyes, and wake the fuck up. Whatever it takes, whatever you need to do, you come home. Because otherwise, what’s the fuckin’ point? Where’s the happily ever after for all the shit we’ve endured if we lose you? I don’t accept that can happen. We need you back. I need you back. And I’ve seen enough of hospitals to last me a lifetime. So stop fuckin’ around with this coma shit. It’s time to come home now.” Closing my eyes, I folded my arms on the bed, rested my weary head, and waited.
Chapter Thirty
Alastair
I never liked Marie’s brothers. It wasn’t as though we’d ever properly been introduced, but I didn’t like how they acted around one another and how they were all so “familiar.” Not having any siblings, I had no benchmark for their behaviour of course, but I thought that it was appropriate to have a little more decorum in familial relationships. Of course, her family would always be part of her life, but I’d insist on that distance once we were married. After all, it was the appropriate thing to do. And we would be married. Of that I had no doubt. Once she saw what that animal she was besotted with had done to me, the veil would fall from her eyes and she would see me for what I really was—a man worthy of being her husband.
The first time that I saw her, she was sat at a bus stop. I shuddered at the thought of her on public transport, but she’d get used to being chauffeur driven soon enough. Her pink cheeks had been flushed from the cold, and she’d smiled as she’d given up her seat for some old lady. Something in her eyes spoke to me, and then and there I’d picked up the phone and cancelled every meeting I had that day and followed her. To work, to the supermarket, even to her home, and by the end of that day, I knew she was the one for me. The one who’d make me the perfect wife. The one who’d never leave me, not like my bitch of a mother and every single nanny who followed thereafter.
She’d told me that she didn’t want to see me again, but I knew she didn’t mean it. I was wron
g about the other girls, but I was right about her. I was sure of it. I just needed to make her see what I could see. Maybe I was getting a little desperate and was doing things I wasn’t proud of, but she’d forgive me in the end; I knew she would.
I waited for a long time to make my move. She was so rarely alone, but I knew this was a conversation that needed to be private. The eldest brother left her room, and it sounded like he was talking through a situation with his employer. He held his hand up in the doorway to indicate that he’d be five minutes, then walked into the waiting room to finish the call.
Five minutes was all I needed anyway. I slipped into her room before the door clicked shut and just stared. She looked tired, but still so exquisite.
“Get out,” she ordered, pointing at the door.
“Now, just hear me out. You owe me that,” I told her.
“I don’t owe you anything. I know what you did to me and to Tommy. You could have killed us!” she said accusingly.
“You must know I didn’t mean for that to happen. I was desperate. You couldn’t see the real me with him around. You wouldn’t even give us a chance.”
“I don’t have anything left to say to you, Alastair. Please leave.” She sounded sad.
“Not until you promise that you’ll leave him.”
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
“He’s no good for you. You have to see that. Just look at what he did to me.” I gestured towards my face. “Is this the kind of animal you’d rather be with, someone so ugly and common and violent. I would worship you if you’d only give us a chance.”
“And putting two people in hospital, nearly killing one of them, isn’t violent?” she scoffed. “Despite what you believe, Kieran is the gentlest man I’ve ever met. You nearly killed his girlfriend and his best friend with this obsession. I’m surprised he didn’t hit you harder.”
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