“I can’t help but keep thinking—”
“What if?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“There are a lot of what-ifs in life. Being chickenshit isn’t a reason to walk away from something,” he says softly, repeating my words from our heated conversation in the truck. “I’m done being scared, Denny. I promise.”
“Your version of a promise scares me too.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.
THIRTY
SHEPARD
“BRO, will you please quit pacing? You’re starting to make me nervous.”
“You should be nervous. You’re getting married tomorrow.”
“Nah, man.” AJ smiles, shaking his head. “All I can think is finally. I still can’t believe I let you talk me out of doing this in high school. Do you know how many years of being husband and wife we’d have under our belt already?”
“You thanked me back then. You can’t take that back.”
“You’re right—waiting totally made us stronger.”
“Like you and Allie ever needed to be stronger.”
“I’m sorry…was that a compliment on my love life?”
I shoot him a look. “Shut it.”
He laughs. “Uh huh. We both know you’re a closet romantic.”
“I am not.”
“Tell that to Denver. You buy her flowers with special meanings and hand-deliver them to her at work.”
“Once! I did that once!” I argue.
“Once is enough.” He winks. “Seriously, sit the fuck down. You’re freaking me out.”
I’ve been pacing my kitchen and scrubbing the counters that are already way too fucking clean for nearly two hours now.
That’s what I do when I’m nervous: pace and clean. My teammates are constantly poking fun when I’m pacing the dugout and sweeping the floors. The announcers eat that shit up, but they’d never know what a sign of stress it really is.
“What’s rolling around in that big head of yours?”
I toss the rag onto the counter and force myself to take a step back. Folding my arms across my chest, I exhale a steadying breath.
“Come on, man. Talk to me.”
“What if she hates me after she finds out about…”
“You being the biggest fucking tool on the planet and screwing over your brother’s gal?”
I wince. “Yeah, that.”
AJ’s been pushing me to tell Denny about Delia from the start. I told him I would before the wedding.
But the wedding’s tomorrow and I haven’t said a fucking peep about it. I can’t bring myself to. Things are going well—like ridiculously so—for us and I don’t want anything to screw that up, especially not some stupid mistake I made almost two years ago.
I know I need to tell her, though. It would be wrong not to, and I know I’m making such a big deal out of it because of how Denny is going to react to the news—badly.
“You gotta do it, man. Just rip the band-aid off before she finds out from someone who isn’t you.”
“Why do I have to tell her at all?”
He narrows his eyes at me. “You know why—because you were way in the fucking wrong and she needs to know the kind of person she’s letting into her life.”
“But I’m not that person anymore.”
“I know you’re not, I do, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t do it. That doesn’t mean it never happened just because you’re not who you were back then. Sorry, bro, but this is like if you had an arrest record for assault and didn’t tell her about it.” He snaps his fingers together. “Oh, wait, you do have one.”
I’m quick to correct him. “Not true—he didn’t press charges.”
“You’re right, just a destruction of property charge and a suspension from the MLB.” He rolls his eyes. “My bad.”
“But the difference is she already knows all that and she’s still into me.”
He pushes himself off the couch and joins me in the kitchen. He rests his hands on the counter across from me, staring at me with hard eyes.
“What?” I grind out.
“You want this time to be different, yeah? You want things to not get all muddled and fucked up like they did last time? Want to build a future with her?”
“More than anything.”
No hesitation.
That’s exactly what I want.
“You want to be worthy of her?”
“Yes.”
He points at me. “Then you have to tell her.”
“Why can’t I just sweep it under the rug and never speak of it ever again?”
“Because that, my friend, is the pussy way out, and you aren’t a pussy.”
“You sure? How much pussy does one have to eat to become one?”
AJ pinches the bridge of his nose. “Dammit, Clark. You’re exhausting.”
“Weird—your mom said the same thing last night.”
“Shep…” he warns.
I hold my hand up. “Fine, fine. I’ll tell her, but if she dumps my ass, this is on you.”
He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “No, this is on you—entirely. Remember that.”
It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but I know he’s right.
Fuck him for being right.
I have to tell her. Tomorrow. Before the wedding.
AJ pushes away from the counter and retreats into the living room, throwing himself back down on my sofa that cost way too much money and clicking play on the movie he was watching.
“Now beer me! Let’s get fucking drunk. I’m getting hitched tomorrow!”
“NO, Shep, we cannot skip our best friends’ wedding.”
“You sure about that? They won’t even know we’re missing.”
“You’re right, they won’t miss the best man and maid of honor at all.” She rolls her eyes. “We’re not skipping.”
“But…you look so hot.”
She bites her lower lip, raking her eyes over me like the only thing she wants to do is see me in this tuxedo. “You don’t look too shabby yourself.”
Another slow perusal.
Her eyes catch the smirk lining my lips and she shakes herself out of her sexual stupor.
“Dammit, Shep! You almost had me.”
I reach for her, pulling her close and bringing my lips to my favorite spot below her ear. “I could still have you…”
She sighs, sinking into me. “Maybe just a quick—no!” She pushes herself back, swatting away my attempts to bring her back into my arms. “Stop being so sexy!”
“I can’t. It’s a curse.”
“Shep!”
“Denny!”
She laughs and shakes her head at me. “Come on, we need to get out there. The ceremony is starting soon.”
“I’m telling you, they could totally do this without us. There are only like fifty people here. They’ve got it under control.”
“You’re just horny.”
“Yes. Next question.”
“I didn’t ask a question.”
I slap my palm against my forehead. “Duh. Sorry. Tits on the brain.”
She picks up the bottom of her dress and pushes past me, dodging my hands as she walks by.
“Move it, Clark. Now.”
I sigh. “Fine. Let’s get this over with.”
“Maybe we can sneak off during the reception—after we greet all the guests,” she adds when she sees me perk up. “You still need to meet Monty, and I am dying to meet your Titanic parents.”
My gut grows heavy, that swirl of nerves from last night coming back full force.
I tried every way I could think of to bring it up casually this morning on the truck ride over to the venue, but I couldn’t do it. Nothing was sounding right.
Hey, Den, turns out you were right all these years—I’m a fucking tool.
Or…
Yo, Den, so a few years ago I sent a naked picture of my brother’s girlfriend to a few friends on the baseball team.
Not
hing was fitting for the moment. So, I kept my mouth shut.
Now that we’re about to walk out there and face everyone, I have the distinct feeling that maybe blurting it all out would have been better.
Please don’t let this be the end…
“The end?” Denny says.
I snap my gaze her way, realizing I said that out loud.
She smiles at me and it’s one of those genuine expressions, the ones where everything is going just perfect in your life and nothing can touch you.
“It’s not the end. It’s just beginning.” She extends her hand my way. “Come on, Cap.”
THIRTY-ONE
DENVER
SHEP’S BEEN ACTING weird all week leading up to the wedding. It’s not been overly obvious, which I think is more concerning.
He keeps staring at me like he’s never going to see me again.
He’s doing it right now from across the room, watching me as he sips on his whiskey. I bet he’s thrilled to finally have something other than the putrid champagne they serve at all the galas.
“He’s staring over here really hard. It looks…” Allie gulps loudly. “Sexual.”
“That’s because he’s hoping we can sneak off into a closet somewhere. I kind of promised him we would.”
“You are not having sex at my wedding!”
I smirk at my best friend. “We’ll see.”
She shakes her head, smiling. “You incorrigible little hussy.”
“Oh, please. Don’t act like you and AJ won’t be sneaking off later too. Just think of this as research—we’ll scope out the best place and report back. You’re welcome.”
“There’s a room down the hall, kind of small, but you can totally make it work,” Delia chimes in, coming to stand next to me.
“Already?” I raise a brow at her.
“What? Have you seen Zach? That nerd pushes all my buttons.” She laughs and waves to her boyfriend, who’s across the room and definitely looks like he was just having sex.
“This is why we’re friends,” I tell her. “Allie, this is Delia. She’s dating Shep’s brother, Zach Hastings.”
I’ve been wanting to say hi to Zach and Delia all night and finally meet Shep’s parents, but every time I approach the subject or try to drag him over that way, he distracts me with kisses or cake.
I can’t resist either.
Allie’s eyes widen. “Two things, and I’m addressing these in order of importance. One”—she turns to Delia—“you snagged a hottie. He reminds me of a grown-up Harry Potter.”
“He kind of does, huh?” Delia agrees. “Congrats on your wedding. The ceremony was beautiful.”
“Thank you.” Allie blushes. “It was a long time coming.”
“What was two?” I ask.
“Oh!” She whirls on me. “You! You just called him Shep. You’re totally in love.”
“Zach’s hotness was more important than you accusing me of being in love with Shep?”
“I’m sorry, but have you seen him? Not to be a creeper, Delia, but damn.”
Delia laughs and shrugs. “What can I say? I got the best wrong number ever.”
“And you,” Allie says to me, “can hush. There was no ‘accusing’ going on. I know it’s true—you’re full-blown in love with him. It’s like high school all over again.”
“High school? But you and Monty didn’t move out here until college.” Delia’s looking at me, brows creased and confusion covering her face.
“Oh, you didn’t know? Those two met in high school and fell in love when they lived over two thousand miles apart.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“Nope,” Allie continues. “Shep used to pretend to date this other chick all throughout high school, but he and Denny were busy swooning over one another. I followed AJ out here for college and she claims she followed me, but I know she came for Shep. Then that prick dumped her the moment she got into town. God, I’m still so pissed at him for that,” she adds.
“Huh. This is all very…enlightening. What happened?”
“He dumped her.”
“We were never dating,” I interject.
Allie rolls her eyes. “You were practically dating.”
“But not officially.”
“Are you two dating now?” Delia asks.
“We’re…taking things slow.”
“As slow as two people who bang as often as possible can,” Allie says. “You love him.”
I drop my head to avoid Allie’s smirking face, staring into the drink I’m taking my sweet time with.
I never fucking stopped.
Shep’s words from our time in the closet ring through my head, because they’re the exact ones I want to use right now.
I’ve loved Shep from afar for years, even when I wanted to hate him so, so badly.
I peer up and catch Delia staring at me with the strangest look in her eye. It’s a mix of uncertainty and hope and something I can’t quite place my finger on.
I lift a brow at her in a silent question.
“I would just…be careful with Shep. He’s—”
“A total fucking asshat,” Zoe interrupts.
“Zoe! You made it!” Allie throws her arms around her friend’s neck and squeezes tight. “Thank you so much for coming.”
“Like I’d miss your wedding. Stop it.”
It’s crazy that I never met Zoe in college, her being Delia’s best friend, but we finally met when Robbie and Monty were doing their dance around one another and I mistook her for Robbie’s date. We’ve been friends since.
In fact, it was my idea that AJ and Caleb get together to coach a little league team. Zoe, Allie, and I have had plenty of opportunity to bond over the season, so I’m a little surprised this is the first time I’m hearing Zoe talk about Shep.
“Do you know Shep well?”
“Know him well?” Zoe groans. “Ugh. Don’t remind me of that mistake. He wined and dined me and then banged and dashed—his signature move.”
I know Shep wasn’t perfect in college. He had quite the reputation, but so did I. I never expected him to be celibate.
“Whatever, though. I didn’t expect anything different from the Shep Clark.” Zoe points to Delia. “But I did expect a lot more out of him than what he did to my best friend.”
My gaze snaps to her and she’s looking at me like she’s in pain.
I don’t know if it’s the memories or the fact that she’s wishing she didn’t have to tell me what I don’t know.
“Delia?” I say.
“It’s not pretty, Denny,” she warns.
“Tell me anyway.”
She and Zoe exchange a look.
“You didn’t tell her?” Delia asks her.
“I didn’t know I needed to.”
Delia sighs, her eyes falling back to me. “Are you sure? It’s probably going to change things for you two.”
The thudding in my chest picks up pace and pure panic begins to race through me.
I watch them, their faces filled with worry and dread and total fucking pity.
I hate pity.
“I feel like I’m missing something very important over here. What are we talking about?”
“I think we’re about to break your sister’s heart,” Zoe says to Monty.
“Oh. Maybe I shouldn’t be present then.”
She begins to turn away, but I clasp her hand, keeping her close because I feel like I’m going to need all the strength she can offer me.
Monty squeezes me back, letting me know she’s not going anywhere.
“Tell me. Please.”
“Okay.” Delia clears her throat. “I, uh, sent Zach a naked picture when we first started dating. The pervert was bugging me about sexting and I finally gave in by sending him a nude. It was this really cute, tasteful shot of just—”
“Can you focus on the story, D?” Zoe interrupts her.
“Oops. Sorry.” She shakes her head. “Anyway, we were at Zach’s parents for Thanksgiv
ing and I was kind of giving him the third degree for being a dick to my bestie because of girl code.” Delia pauses and laughs. “Funny, considering Zoe ended up with my ex, breaking rule number one.”
“You snooze, you lose.” Zoe waves her off.
My ears begin to clog with the rhythmic thump thump thump of my overactive heart. Bile begins to rise in my throat, and suddenly I wish I hadn’t crammed so much cake in my gob because I’m certain it’s about to come back up.
“Anyway,” Delia continues, “Shep, uh, got ahold of the photo after borrowing Zach’s phone.”
“Oh god.” The words tumble from my lips and I have to slap my hand over my mouth so the puke doesn’t follow.
Delia winces. “I’m sorry, Denny.”
“Are you saying…” Allie trails off.
“Say it, Delia.” I squeeze Monty’s hand tighter, bracing myself for the words. “I need to hear you say it.”
“I don’t want to. Zoe, you do it.”
“No way. Shep is your demon, not mine.”
“Hesentthephototohisfriends,” Delia finally rushes out in one breath.
The thumping stops and fire replaces the beat as my breath catches in my throat.
I was wrong.
Shep hasn’t changed.
He’s still the same slug he’s always been, and I’ve fallen for his games once again.
“THERE YOU ARE. I’ve been looking all over for you.” Shep slides an arm around me. “What are you doing out here all by yourself?”
I’m standing in the gazebo where Allie and AJ exchanged their vows two hours ago.
I had to get out of there after Delia finally confessed what Shep did to her. My stomach was twisting and turning, and I couldn’t stand to be in that room of happy people for another minute.
Though every bone in my body is screaming at me not to because I love the way he feels against me, I step out of Shep’s hold, creating the distance this conversation necessitates between us.
He looks dejected and hurt, but so am I.
Only I deserve to feel that way because of his betrayal. He doesn’t.
Shep shoves his hands into his pockets, rocking back on his heels and staring at me with worry.
“Is, uh, is everything okay?” he asks quietly.
Turning away from him, I rest my arms on the banister of the gazebo and stare out into the sunset on the horizon. It’s like the sun is setting on our relationship or whatever the hell this is we’re doing.
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