Text Me Baby One More Time

by Teagan Hunter

  “You should hear the shit running through my head.”

  “Then spit it out.”

  She’s so scary when she’s serious, which isn’t often.

  “Fuck. Okay.” I exhale heavily. “I didn’t tell you all that to make it seem like I’m making excuses, because I’m not. I just wanted to explain what was going through my head at the time. The simple truth is, I did something stupid and wrong and dehumanizing. I shouldn’t have done it.”

  I turn toward Delia for the first time. Looking into her eyes is painful, but it’s a pain I deserve.

  “Delia, I’m sorry. From the very bottom of my heart, I apologize. I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I mean, I totally want it, but I’m not asking for it. I just need you to know and understand that I regret that moment in my life so, so much.”

  I swivel toward my brother. He notices the movement and sets the knife down, giving me his full attention.

  “I owe you an apology too, Zach. I’m sorry I betrayed your trust. I’m sorry I hurt your girlfriend, and I’m sorry I let you down.”

  Neither of them say anything for a long time, so long I almost feel as if I need to leave and walk away, let the pieces fall wherever they fall.

  Delia’s hand lands on my arm and I swing my attention her way, surprised.

  Her lips part and I hold my breath, waiting for her words.

  “First, I have to say this…” She grins. “That was the shit rolling around in your head?”

  My lungs burn from the lack of oxygen and I finally take a breath, laughing heartily.

  “Sorry, I’m not that good with words—probably why I always lash out with actions.”

  “Hmm, makes sense.” She squeezes my arm. “Listen, I know you didn’t ask for it, but I’m giving it to you anyway. I forgive you, Shep, but not for you—for myself. It’s my way of letting all this go. I forgive you, but I won’t forget. I’ll always remember the betrayal and the hurt. I’m not saying things are always going to be shit between us, but don’t expect me to run up and hug you when I see you any time soon.”

  “Thank you,” I say quietly. “I don’t deserve that, but thank you.”

  She gives me a small smile and pulls her hand away.

  “What kind?” Zach asks abruptly, moving toward the fridge.

  “Huh?”

  “What kind?” He drags a third slab of dough from the fridge. “Toppings—which ones do you want?”

  I grin.

  Pizza is Zach’s peace offering.

  In that moment, I know everything with these two is going to be just fine.

  If only I was so sure about things with Denny…

  THIRTY-THREE

  DENVER

  “I MISS STEVE.”

  “You mean Shep?”

  Yes. “No, I totally meant Steve.”

  It feels so wrong to miss Shep when he did something so horrible, but I can’t help it. I’ve tried not to miss him. I’ve tried not to miss him with ice cream and chips and all the Oreos I could stomach, but none of it works. Not even binge-watching my favorite teenagers who use words that are way too advanced for their vocabulary to be realistic worked.

  I still miss him.

  It’s that it feels so right, which means it can’t be wrong…I think.

  Monty crinkles her nose at me. “Steve’s the pug, right?”

  “The cutest pug in the whole freakin’ world, yes.”

  “She totally means Shep,” Zoe says, squeezing back between me and Monty on the couch. “Doesn’t she, Delia?”

  “She does!” Delia calls from the kitchen.

  We’re having a girls’ night, sans Allie, who is still on her honeymoon. How that lucky bitch can afford two weeks away on her salary is beyond me.

  “It doesn’t make you a bad person, Denny,” Delia says, popping into the living room from around the corner. “It makes you human. You’re allowed to miss him.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  She sits cross-legged on the floor, a bowl of cereal balanced precariously on her lap. “If you’re harboring feelings of hatred toward Shep because of me then you’re harboring those feelings for the wrong reasons. I don’t hate Shep. I hate what he did, but I don’t hate him. We had a long talk over the weekend and we’re in a better place now.”

  I sit forward. “You talked to him?”

  “He came over for personal pizzas and finally gave me a real apology. It was…actually kind of nice. He was nice. Letting go of that hurt was nice. I mean, I’ll never forget what he did, but I can be adult enough to move on from it.”

  She shovels a few bites of cereal into her mouth and shrugs.

  “He…apologized?”

  “Vwep,” she answers, milk dribbling out of her full mouth.

  “In case you were wondering, that’s Delia speak for yes.” Zoe pinches her arm. “You pig.”

  Looking embarrassed, Delia swallows and uses her t-shirt to wipe her chin off. “Sorry, I mean, yes, he did. He made sure to tell me he wasn’t doing it for you or himself, but for me.”

  “Did he mean it?”

  “You know, back when he first apologized, it was the most awkward thing of my life. It was completely half-assed and he wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.” She sets her bowl aside and pulls her knees up to her chest. “But when he was sitting in our kitchen, he faced me straight on, and it wasn’t like the first time at all. It wasn’t rehearsed or forced. It was genuine.”

  I consider her words, rolling them around in my head.

  She rests her hand on my leg. “It’s okay to forgive him. I do.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes. I can’t hold on to all that anger forever. It’s not me. He made a mistake. He apologized. He’s my boyfriend’s brother. I can’t freeze him out forever.”

  “You totally could,” Zoe interjects.

  “But that’s not who I am, Zoe, and you know that. Hell, you should know that better than anyone. I mean, I did totally give you permission to date my ex-boyfriend.”

  “And I love you for that, I really do. Caleb is…” She fans herself. “Gah, I can’t.”

  “He is pretty cute,” Monty chimes in.

  “I know! And that baseball cap.” Zoe practically swoons. “Okay, okay, I’m done.”

  “Are you? Need a few minutes alone in Denny’s bathroom?”

  “You are not doing that in my apartment!”

  Zoe shrugs. “I’ll just wait until everyone’s asleep.”

  “You’re all a bunch of horndogs,” I grumble, sinking lower onto the couch.

  “You’re just jealous because we all have hot wieners at home waiting for us and you don’t.”

  “Oh my god, way to rub it in my face, Montana!”

  “Can I just say Robbie was right? You saying wiener is the funniest fucking thing I’ve heard in my entire life.” Zoe taps around on her phone and shoves it into Monty’s face. “Say it again. I want to record this shit.”

  Monty’s face flames red. “N-No!” She shoves the phone away. “You are like the female Robbie. It’s so creepy.”

  “Creepy or cute?” Zoe argues. “Say wiener!”

  “No, you creep! Go away!”

  Monty flies off the couch, darting down the hall with Zoe hot on her heels, teasing her the entire way.

  Delia laughs and pulls herself up on the couch, making herself comfortable next to me.

  “You know, I used to believe in love and fate and the universe. I thought they were pushing me toward Shep, but now…now I’m not so sure. I don’t know how any of that is possible knowing what he did.”

  “Wanna know my theory?” she says after a few moments of silence.

  “Shoot.”

  “I think maybe the universe is pushing you toward Shep, and I think that’s because you make him a better person.”

  “But do I, Delia? I mean, look what he did to you because of me. That doesn’t scream good person to me.”

  “I’m not going to be mad at you for loving S
hep. It’s okay. You shouldn’t be basing your decision to be with him off me anyway. Even if he never apologized, I still wouldn’t judge you if you were with him.”

  “Love?” I choke out. “Who said anything about love?”

  She bumps her shoulder against mine. “You can’t fool me. I know what it’s like to love a Hastings/Clark family member. It’s exhausting and thrilling and that all-consuming kind of love. Even when you don’t want to love them, you do.”

  I nod.

  “It’s okay to be mad at him and still love him, to want to wring his neck and kiss him all at once. No one is perfect. Sure, what Shep did was exceptionally wrong, but that doesn’t make him a bad person entirely. He actually spent a good portion of Sunday telling us about the children’s diabetes charity he’s part of.”

  My lips involuntarily curl into a smile as I think of how excited Shep gets when he hears how much money has been raised for the charity at each gala we attend.

  “He’s so proud of it. The only time I’ve ever seen him so passionate about something and interested is when he’s talking about baseball.”

  “And you,” she adds. “He’s like that when he’s talking about you too.”

  “Moooooonty!” Zoe bangs against the bedroom door. “Just say wiener!”

  “Go away!”

  Delia and I fall into a fit of laughter.

  I don’t know what the future holds for me and Shep, but I do know I feel better knowing he stepped up and did the right thing by Delia and Zach. It doesn’t erase all the worries I have about our future, but it’s a start.

  And a start is better than nothing.

  “So what’s going to happen with your article? Did you finish it?”

  “Almost, but now I’m not sure I’ll be able to submit it. I didn’t quite finish out the agreement I had with Shep, so I don’t know how ethical it would be to run something.”

  “I don’t think Shep will, like, go after you or anything,” Delia says, trying to reassure me.

  “Did you think he would send a naked photo of you out to the entire baseball team?”

  She opens her mouth then slams it closed again, shaking her head. “Touché.”

  “He wasn’t always a total jerk, you know.”

  “I don’t think he was ever a jerk. I just don’t believe he thinks things through very well and acts on feelings rather than rationale. He just needs to…grow up a bit.”

  “How can you be so chill about all this?” I ask her. “So forgiving?”

  “I learned a long time ago that I could harbor bad emotions for people and let them eat away at me, or I could face those emotions head-on and be happy.” She smiles. “I choose happy.”

  “Choose happy, huh? Even if you’re scared?”

  “Oh god, especially if you’re scared. That’s usually the best kind of happy.”

  “I like you, Delia. I think I might keep you around for a while.”

  “I got that on video for Allie! Don’t you dare try to replace me, Delia!”

  Delia whips a pillow Zoe’s way, smacking her phone out of her hand. “Monty’s right, you are a creep.”

  “Ha! Take that, you wiener!”

  “NO!” Zoe whines, scrambling for her phone and rushing back down the hall. “Say it again! I wasn’t recording!”

  “Do they make you want to nap too?” Delia says.

  “All the time.”

  “HAVE YOU READ THE PAPER TODAY?”

  “Um, Allie, I work at the paper.”

  “Yes, I know, but you work in the sports department. Have you read the rest of the paper?”

  “No. Why?”

  She sighs. “Look in the personals.”

  “Allie, if this is another attempt to get me interested in someone else to get over Shep, it’s not going to work.”

  “It’s not,” she promises. “Just go look. I’ll stay on the line.”

  “Ugh,” I groan. “Let me go grab a copy.”

  “I can’t believe you don’t read your own paper.”

  “Hush, Allie.”

  She doesn’t hush. She keeps yapping away in my ear as I pull myself out of my chair and find a paper stuffed into my box in the mail room.

  “—and then he asked me to lick him…there!”

  “Oh my god, are you talking rim jobs right now?” I lean against one of the tables, balancing the phone between my ear and shoulder so I can use two hands to open the paper.

  “Have you not been listening to me? My husband is a freak! It’s like he saved all this weird shit for marriage and I cannot handle it.”

  “Can you not tell me about how you licked your husband’s butthole?”

  Susan, one of our interns, glances over at me with wide eyes.

  “Hi, Susan, sorry. My friend is insane. I’m not the butthole licker, that’s her.”

  I laugh at the alarmed look on her face and Allie yelling my name in my ear.

  “I cannot believe you right now! I am so embarrassed.”

  “No you’re not.”

  “Fine. I’m not. Did you grab a paper?”

  “I got it.”

  “Good, now flip to the personals.”

  I search until I find the section she’s talking about and scan the page, but nothing sticks out to me.

  “I don’t see anything.”

  “Look again. Closely.”

  “I don’t—”

  Holy shit.

  Right there in the center of the page, there’s a huge box that’s clearly written by Shep.

  Captain America Apologizes: Part One

  Bucky,

  I’m sorry for bailing on dibs.

  I’m sorry for blaming everyone else’s failures for my own.

  I’m sorry I didn’t give us a chance.

  I’m sorry I treated you like you were nothing to me, especially when you were everything.

  Most of all, I’m sorry for not believing in us like I should have.

  Text me baby, one more time.

  910-555-1027

  “WHAT THE HELL?” I mutter out loud.

  “That’s for you, right? I’m not wrong, am I?”

  “No, that’s definitely for me.”

  “I don’t get why he’s calling you Bucky or himself Captain America, but everything else made sense that it would be Shep. Plus, that is definitely his phone number. Is he an idiot or something? Does he not know how many creeps he’s going to get blowing up his phone?”

  “He’s stupid, that’s for sure.” I smile. Bucky and Cap has always been our thing. Just us. Not even Allie and AJ know. “Why were you reading the personals?”

  “Because I’m curious, duh. I always like to see those missed connection write-ups. Anyway, I hope he gets a gross dick pic, like one covered in warts or something real gnarly like that.”

  I laugh. “That is disgusting, but it would also be well deserved.”

  “So…are you going to text him?”

  “I’m…I’m not sure, Allie. I don’t know if I’m ready.”

  “I think you should make him sweat.” She cackles. “It would be hysterical.”

  “You’re kind of evil today.”

  “Am I? Oops.” Only she doesn’t sound sorry at all. “I shouldn’t be like that to him, though. I mean, he did just pay for our honeymoon and all.”

  The phone nearly slips out of my hand.

  “W-What?”

  “I didn’t tell you? Shep is the only reason we were able to have a honeymoon. He paid for the entire thing and surprised us with plane tickets the week before the wedding. All we had to do was get the days off work. Luckily, our bosses were insanely understanding.”

  I had no idea Shep did that for them.

  “He didn’t mention it at all in the weeks leading up to the big day?”

  “Not a peep. I’m kind of…”

  “Shocked? Yeah, I was too. I mean, Shep has always been good to me and AJ, but I never expected this. He went all out, too. The only thing we paid for was souvenirs. He thought of eve
rything, even in-flight drinks.”

  Allie clears her throat, and I know I’m about to get an earful.

  “Listen, I do think you should make him sweat it out. I think you should make him grovel, but…I also think you should give him a second chance. What he did to Delia was wrong and horrible and I want to kick him square in the nuts for it, but I’ve also known Shep for a lot of years now and I have never seen him be anything but kind. A little egotistical and a bit of a horndog, yes, but never mean for the sake of being mean. He’s a good guy. He’s just a dumbass sometimes.”

  I sigh. “I know that. I really do. I just…I want to be sure, you know?”

  “You can’t be unless you give him a chance, unless you take that leap.”

  “I know,” I say again.

  “I gotta run. Lunch break is over, but call me later, yeah? Let’s grab dinner some night this week. I’m still pissed I missed out on your girls’ night where you confessed your love for Delia and tried to replace me.”

  “I would never.”

  “Uh huh. Say that to the video evidence I have. Love you, Denny.”

  “Love you too, Mrs. Sutton.”

  We end the call and I pick the paper back up, reading Shep’s apology again.

  Then again. And again.

  By the fourth time, I feel it. That block of ice that formed around my heart two weeks ago at the wedding…it begins to thaw.

  For the first time in what feels like too long, I have hope.

  THIRTY-FOUR

  CAP

  Captain America Apologizes: Part Two

  Bucky,

  I’m sorry for that one time at the paper when I told everyone you wrote like a kindergartener. Clearly you were first-grade level.

  Or those times when I bragged loudly about my weekend escapades.

  And for stealing that one article on repainting the parking lot from you. It was a stupid article, but you deserved it a lot more than I did.

  But I’m not sorry for joining the paper because it meant I got to be closer to you. I’m not sorry for staring at you across the room, for making you stay late because I was pushing my deadline until the absolute max. Those stolen moments, the ones where it was just us (I mean, that one weirdo kid with the glasses was there too, but he was practically invisible) made it possible for me to breathe through all the chaos in my life.