by Lynn Wolfe
“I’ll not now or ever accept charity. Please don’t continue to bring this subject up. I really don’t wish to discuss Andrew and Matilda with you, or anyone else, but how bout talking about something that I’d like to discuss, Thomas. I wish you’d have spoken to me about Mary being at your place. It was quite the shock to see her. I suppose she feels like everyone else about my situation, pity and sorrow. I don’t need her feeling sorry for me, especially after what I’d done so many years ago.”
“James Parker,” his father barked out, “Thomas owes you no explanation. He’s been a good friend and has only tried to help, if you could only get that through your thick skull. You must stop being so prideful. I don’t like it!
“Neither Thomas nor I would think less of you, James, for accepting help. While your mother and I have raised you to stand on your own, at no time did we mean not to accept help if it was truly needed! We all need help at sometime, James. And if there was anyone who needed a helping hand at the moment besides you, please tell me who that might be! But you, son, continually refuse our offers.”
“We’ve been over this a hundred times. I’ll not take charity. The children will learn a good lesson from this, whether you believe me or not. I know what I’m doing, so please allow me to do it!” James angrily said.
Chapter Seventy-Seven
After arguing with his father, James stomped off to the barn. He needed to look over the items set out for auction as he tried to cool his temper. Walking away was the only thing he could do, unless he wanted to say hurtful things to his father and Thomas. James knew they meant well, but he sure wished they’d mind their own business. He’d enough to worry about besides arguing with them over every decision he made. To top things off, he’d not needed to see Mary during this difficult time. She was just another reminder of his poor decision making and how he seemed to hurt everyone he came close to.
He needed to make room for the things placed on the veranda. There were still some rooms left to go through in the house and the attic was waiting to be unloaded. He hoped the remainder of the work could be done quickly.
He was having everything removed from the upstairs bedrooms except for the beds being used and what furniture was still in the children’s rooms. He’d continued to refuse his mother’s suggestion to keep the Webb’s family china and other family heirlooms given to them, from both families, when he and Susannah wed.
*****
“Clayton, he’s just being bull-headed.” Thomas whispered angrily, as they watched James walk away. “Can’t he see what he’s doing? Andrew and Matilda will be so distraught when they learn he’s selling Lightning and Star. I plain don’t understand him.”
“I fear he’s punishing himself, Thomas, for allowing Ball to gain access to his property, and setting the fires in the barn and stable. We’d underestimated him. James has had horrific nightmares ever since. Several times he’d awakened Annabelle and me.
“But we never speak of it; he has enough on his plate. I fear he thinks by selling everything he owns it might cleanse his soul. He’s angry over many things, what happened with Mary, losing Susannah, the horses destroyed in the fire and now the realization he’ll lose his plantation. I think he feels he must make a clean sweep of his losses and punish himself to boot.”
Thomas shook his head in sadness. “I pray he comes to his senses before the auction. Has he set a date yet, Clayton? I’ll gladly bring some men to help,” Thomas said, knowing it would take everyone pitching in to get everything ready to be sold in one day.
“One month from tomorrow. Constance and John are coming in the next few days to help. Between watching the children and sorting through everything for the auction, we’ll be lucky to be ready on time.”
“Is he going to keep anything, Clayton?”
“Maybe one horse and some clothes for himself and the children, I believe that’s all he’s planning to take, if that. He should have enough money left to find a place to stay until he finds work.”
Chapter Seventy-Eight
Supper was as uncomfortable as Mary had feared. The children wanted to know all about her trip to America and why she wasn’t married. Only the adults felt the tension as Mary stumbled through her answers. No matter how hard Mary tried to engage James in some form of conversation, he gave only one word answers and never once spoke directly to her, unless she addressed him with a question.
Mary was glad the time came to clear the table. The men had gone outside to smoke and Mary felt nothing but relief as she took another load to the kitchen.
“Mary, I’m sorry James hasn’t been himself, lately. Don’t blame yourself for failing at your effort to engage him in conversation. He’s been the same with Clayton and me. I’m sure he’s glad to see you. I know I’m very glad to finally meet you. You’re a remarkable, young lady.”
Mary blushed. She didn’t feel remarkable. “I appreciate you kindness. I fear I should have used my good judgment and remained at Thomas’s home today. I didn’t mean to make James uncomfortable. I only wish I could help him in some way.”
“Believe it or not, I think you already have. I watched him very closely. When he thought no one was looking, I caught him staring at you, Mary. Lord knows what he might be thinking, but if I were in his shoes, I’d be wondering if you had any feelings remaining for him.”
“Mrs. Parker, I don’t know what to say. Certainly this would not be the time for James to be wondering about me or my feelings.”
Annabelle Parker smiled. If there was one thing she knew about men, she knew they couldn’t help themselves when their feelings about women were involved. “Mary, I know this isn’t a good time for anyone to be thinking about what happened to you and James so many years ago, but I see no reason that life shouldn’t go on. Susanna was a lovely and wonderful person, but she’s gone now. She spoke to me often before her passing, Mary, wishing you and James would have another chance. She hoped there was some love left, buried deep down in your hearts, just waiting to resurface.
“She talked often of how gracious you were when they met you in London. She admired you, Mary, for being so generous as to give your dress to Anna for her wedding; She often said you must be one of the strongest women she ever met. Her only regret had been she’d have liked an opportunity to have known you. But that wasn’t possible.”
Mary thought back to that awful day in London. “I wish I could say I felt noble. I knew I’d never wear the wedding dress. When I saw Anna in the store, I felt I had to allow her the choice to wear the dress or not. I was honored she loved the dress as much as I did. I was confident she’d found no other dress that compared.”
Anna felt tears forming and tried to blink them back. “Mary, in the past, you and I were very careful avoiding any conversation about Susannah. But we need to get our feelings out in the open. Neither, I, or my parents, would have any hard feelings should you and James find love again. Susannah’s gone. She had a wonderful life. And Mary, she’d want more than anything for James and the children to be happy. She knew how much you must have loved James for the mere fact of how much she’d loved him.
“My parents and I have spoken of this possibility. Susannah said she wants and expects James to marry again. She’d be very happy if James should choose you, honestly, those were her words.”
Mary felt her tears falling. She tried desperately to wipe them. “Please, we must stop this conversation. This isn’t right to be talking about such things. Not now.”
Annabelle knew she needed to speak now and firmly. “When, pray tell, Mary, do you think would be a good time? I know my son. He still has feelings for you. If you have any feelings at all for James, let him know. I don’t mean tonight, but there are four weeks left before the auction. Please, Mary, find out if you still care for my son. I know in his heart, he still cares for you. But the question that needs answered is there enough love left between you and James to make a marriage?”
“I don’t know what to say or think. The kindness and unde
rstanding you’ve both shone tonight is more than I could have hoped for. I’d be lying if I said I no longer had feelings for James. But, I’d never want James to consider having me as his wife out of pity. I’m sure he’d feel the same way.
“I’ll gladly come and help until and during the auction. If James and I get a chance to speak now and then, maybe we’ll find there is a spark of love left, or maybe we’ll find you can never go back and start over.”
Annabelle nodded. “All we’re asking, Mary, is that you keep an open mind. As his mother, I feel the two of you would make a lovely couple, but more importantly, I feel you’d also make a wonderful mother for Andrew and Matilda.”
Thomas came wondering into the kitchen oblivious to their conversation, “Well, ladies, I believe we need to head for home. I, for one, am tired thinking about all the work that is yet needed before the auction.
“I want you to know I tried, Mrs. Parker, to talk James out of having the auction so soon. He acted as if he didn’t hear me. When I mentioned keeping some of the family heirlooms, he flat out refused and made it clear our conversation had ended.”
“I’m so sorry, Thomas. Clayton says he doesn’t understand why James is being so bull-headed, but I know that Clayton would have done many of the things James is doing, if this had happened to him. Clayton, too, has too much pride. I pray some miracle might happen to change everything James has planned, but it’s in God’s hands now. Thanks for trying. You’ve been a wonderful friend. He’s lucky he has any friends left after the way he’s been acting.”
“Once this is over, I think James will be fine. He has to be,” Thomas said, as he escorted Anna and Mary to the carriage. Jane was already seated and looked as if she’d fall asleep any second.
Mary quickly glanced around but James was nowhere to be seen. Was he angry she’d come? She hoped not, for she was planning to come daily. She’d take notes as to what was important to keep. James may not want her help, but he was going to get it!
Chapter Seventy-Nine
Another week had passed and Mary knew James would have ignored her this day, too, except she cornered him in the barn.
“James, I realize you don’t wish to speak with me. I’m not sure why. I don’t believe I could have offended you so greatly in such a short time. Please, can’t we at least acknowledge one another with more than a hello or goodbye?”
James studied Mary. How could he tell her that he felt like a louse? Not only for what had happened so many years ago, but for her seeing him as he’d become, a failure.
“Mary, I wish I had the words to say what I feel inside. This isn’t a good time in my life. I want you to know I’m happy you’ve been successful in America. I knew you would like this country once you came. But I’m not the same man you knew before, too much has changed. I have changed.”
“And do you think I’m the same woman you knew in England? I, too, have changed, James. I believe for the better. I’ve come to know love, loss and happiness. Nothing in life is a guarantee. But when you’ve found a good friend, and lose them, you realize how important each friend truly is. I wish we could be friends, again. I don’t think I’m asking that much of you. I’m not asking you to be anything different than what you are now.”
“Mary, you haven’t changed one bit. You still think if one could look at the bright side of things, everything will turn out for the best. Life isn’t like that. You can’t always find happiness.”
Mary was furious. How dare he be so self-centered and only see his pain? So typical of a man! “James Parker, quit acting like an ass. Now, let me tell you a thing or two. First off, I feel I know better than anyone that you can’t always find happiness. I’ve spent years trying to survive my pain. I could have stayed in England and pitied myself regarding the circumstances of how my life turned out.
“But I somehow got the strength to go on. To live again! Maybe you should stop and see that you haven’t lost everything. You’ve been left with two beautiful children, loving parents and in-laws, good friends in Thomas and Anna and a lovely niece, named Jane. Need I continue?
Mary didn’t wait. She wasn’t finished with him. In fact, far from it! “So life has dealt you a bad hand. You and many others, James! You need to think over what I’ve just said. At supper tonight, I shall not try to include you in the conversation, if you chose to participate, I’ll take that as a sign you wish to be friends. If you ignore me as you have the past few nights, I shall not waste my time trying to be a friend. You can’t have a friend unless you can be a friend, James. Think that over!”
She quickly turned and stomped away. Her anger so great that she spurted out things she would normally never say. If she were a man, she might have just decked him. She mumbled several words that a woman should never say and hoped no one else heard.
Mary suspected she’d surprised James when she allowed her temper to get the best of her. But ever since she had arrived in America, Mary knew she wasn’t the timid, sweet girl she’d been in England. She had had enough of James Parker feeling sorry for himself! If he wants to sell everything he owns at the auction, let him.
But then as she entered the house, Mary regained her composure and put on a smile. She was going to be his friend whether he liked it or not. He may have angered her, but she knew he wasn’t thinking clearly. She prayed she’d gotten through to his muddled brain.
*****
Everyone at dinner felt the tension. Even the children seemed subdued. Mary was unusually quiet. After another long and uncomfortable pause, Annabelle decided to try to start another conversation. “Thomas, did either you or James have a chance to see how much is left to go through in the attic?”
“No, we haven’t had time, yet. We did pick up the extra saddles and other items from the two shacks north of here. We counted the cows the best we could. I believe James is trying to write out an inventory list of what he has.”
Andrew had been sitting and listening intently to the talk about selling off the cows and horses. Finally, after a long lull, it dawned on Andrew that Lighting and Star would bring good money. He hated to ask the question, but he had to. He needed to know what his father was planning to do with his and Matilda’s pets.
“Father, are you going to sell Lighting and Star at the auction?”
There was nothing but silence at the table until Matilda dropped her fork on her plate. The question was finally asked. Everyone knew at some point the question was going to come up, it was only a matter of time before Andrew figured out what lay ahead. He’d now asked the question everyone had dreaded.
No one spoke as they watched and waited for James to respond. James clenched his jaw and when he answered it was if he became distant from his own children.
“Andrew, Matilda, sometimes, as you know, life’s circumstances can cause us to make difficult decisions. I’m afraid; Andrew, Lighting and Star must be sold.”
Andrew was visibly hurt and angry. “I want to stay here! I want Lightning! You can’t sell him, he’s mine. You gave him to me. You can’t sell him, you can’t!” Andrew jumped up and ran out of the dining room crying before anyone could grab him.
Matilda picked up on the sale of Star. “Papa, you can’t sell Star! She isn’t yours, you gave her to me! I hate you!” but Matilda didn’t make it out of the dining room when she tried to sprint out after Andrew, Clayton had scooped her up and allowed her to sob loudly as the others in the room sat in silence. Matilda was hysterical and beyond consoling.
James looked around the table. This was his fault. He noticed Jane had climbed on Anna’s lap. Anna and his mother were also shedding tears. Thomas wouldn’t look at him, but James saw the anger in his face.
As he turned to glance at Mary, he felt even more uncomfortable. She was staring right at him, no expression of sadness, happiness or shock. It was as if she’d expected him to act like an idiot–and he had. He’d done a terrible job explaining why the animals had to be sold. He didn’t blame Andrew or Matilda for hating him. At the moment he
hated himself.
Mary was the only one watching him with that look of indifference. Not crying, he noticed. That wasn’t like her. She would normally be crying with the other women. What the hell was she thinking? It was driving James crazy not knowing what Mary thought of him or his actions tonight. For the first time in his life, he couldn’t read Mary, and wondered why it mattered.
For some unknown reason, he had to find out Mary’s position on his actions. “Mary, everyone at this table has at some time or another given me their opinion as to how to handle the sale of Lighting and Star, I would like very much for you to give me yours, if you’d be so kind.”
Mary bit her lip. Oh, how she wanted to throttle him for his stupidity and how he’d broken the hearts of those two dear children, only because of his ridicules pride. She noticed all eyes were on her. She tried to talk over Matilda’s wails. “Well, James, the animals are yours to sell, even though you did give them to Andrew and Matilda. If that is what is best to do, I think you should sell them. You’re the only one that knows what’s needed to be done to best benefit your family’s needs.”
James couldn’t believe it. Mary didn’t really give her opinion, did she? She confused him. Yet, it felt good that she spoke to him like a rational person. She didn’t seem to be angry with him. Yet, her eyes, something about the look in her eyes didn’t seem to agree with the words she just spoke.
There was a time when he knew everything about her. But now, now he couldn’t tell if she was angry, sad, feeling pity or plain didn’t care anymore.
James got up from the table. “I shall talk to Andrew. He’ll survive this. I should have spoken to him and Matilda weeks ago. Excuse me.”
Mary stood and began to clear off the table. She saw Annabelle and Thomas appeared relieved to get out of the dining room as they, too, brought dirty dishes and leftover food into the kitchen. Anna remained seated holding Jane.