Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents

by Uncle John’s

  Everyone sat and waited for Whipple to bite into something hard during one of those Frosty spoonfuls… but it never happened. The rest of the party told Whipple to finish up her cup fast, and she did. No ring.

  After a quick trip to the hospital, Harris proposed to Whipple holding up not the engagement ring but an X-ray of Whipple’s stomach with a diamond ring clearly visible in her stomach. (Whipple eventually passed the ring, which she still wears, because she actually married Harris.)

  YOU’RE GONNA DIE

  Up to 40 people are killed each year by jellyfish. And that’s just in the Philippines.

  •Don’t grumble when your seat assignment is way in the back of the plane, in crying-baby class. In the event of a crash landing, the rich folks up front in first class are most likely to die.

  •According to England’s Daily Mirror, “More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed every year around the world from using equipment meant for right-handed people. The right-handed power saw is the most deadly item.”

  •Each year roughly 1,000 Americans die because they insist on texting or talking on a cell phone while driving. According to a Virginia Tech study, if you text while you drive, your risk of collision is 23 times greater than if you were paying attention.

  •Hippos kill 2,900 people a year in Africa. In the U.S., that number is virtually zero…because there are no hippos native to the U.S. But there are dogs in the U.S., and dog attacks take about 35 American lives each year.

  •The press sure had a field day after Kill Bill star David Carradine was killed in 2009 by “autoerotic asphyxiation” (which involves pulleys and gags and other such strange apparatuses). Carradine wasn’t alone (well, at the time he was). More than 1,000 people die each year from these kind of sexual mishaps.

  •On average, two Americans are killed by vending machines each year.

  •Approximately 450 Americans die annually after falling out of bed. Most are very young, very old, or very drunk.

  •They don’t feel very safe, but the rate of injury and fatalities on roller coasters don’t lie: 900 million rides are taken each year, with only about 7,300 injuries…and 10 deaths. So buckle up and keep your hands and feet inside the car.

  •Of course, the leading cause of dying is death. The Grim Reaper takes away about 57 million people worldwide each year. That means that today, 155,000 of your fellow humans will perish. A dozen or so died while you read this sentence.

  THE ROYAL MISTAKE

  After years of risky loans, a “handsoff” regulation policy, and other factors, by 2008 the Royal Bank of Scotland was in such bad shape that it needed a $70 billion bailout from the UK government. RBS tried numerous ways to right the ship, including a computer upgrade and outsourcing jobs to India. Both strategies are usually good for helping a company grow. But not always.

  On June 19, 2012, a technician in Hyderabad, India, was updating software when he made a mistake. While working in a database that held the entire day’s transactions, he hit delete. Before the problem was noticed, he deleted two more days of transactions. Bank records for 17 million accounts were gone. Customers went days without access to their money; some had to wait 10 weeks. Even companies without RBS accounts were affected, like mortgage and utility companies that received automatic payments from RBS customers.

  The error could ultimately cost the bank $3 billion, including reimbursement of late fees and overdraft charges, overtime for 7,000 employees, even hotel fees for customers who were kicked out of their homes after rent checks bounced.

  BLOOD ON THE SCREEN

  Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

  A horrific hallucination scene set during the Vietnam War involved both night shooting and a low-flying helicopter. Lead actor Vic Morrow and two child actors were crushed and decapitated after the pilot lost control and crashed into them. Director John Landis and several others involved in the production were tried and acquitted on charges of manslaughter. As a result of the tragedy, many movie studios avoided helicopter stunts in the years that followed, and several regulations to protect child actors were substantially revised.

  Troy (2004)

  In this swords-and-sandals flick, Brad Pitt played Achilles, the Greek warrior who died after his heel was hit by an arrow. Appropriately enough, Pitt injured his foot while filming a fight scene with co-star Eric Bana. The sequence required Pitt to leap and hit Bana’s shield with a spear. But Pitt landed wrong, rupturing one of his Achilles tendons in the process. Production continued during Pitt’s recuperation, which took three months. When Pitt’s ankle was healthy, the crew celebrated by filming the scene where his character is undone by his delicate heel.

  Top Gun (1986)

  This action-packed blockbuster featured several tricky air stunts. Professional stuntman and pilot Art Scholl, whose credits included The A-Team and The Right Stuff, was brought on board to perform many of them. During the filming of a flight maneuver called a “flat spin,” Scholl’s plane began losing altitude and he radioed, “I have a problem…I have a real problem.” He was unable to regain control and crashed off the coast of Southern California. Neither the aircraft nor Scholl’s remains were ever recovered, and the cause of the accident was never determined. The film was dedicated to his memory.

  The Crow (1994)

  The set of this supernatural action film was infamously problem-plagued, if not downright cursed. Star Brandon Lee, the son of martial arts legend Bruce Lee, died from injuries sustained after being shot with a prop gun that had been mistakenly loaded with live ammunition. Earlier in the production, a carpenter survived life-threatening electrical burns after the crane he was operating came into contact with high-voltage power lines. A disgruntled carpenter seeking revenge against the film’s producers (he’d been fired) drove his car through the studio’s plaster shop. If all of this wasn’t bad enough, a crew member accidentally drove a screwdriver through his own hand, and a stuntman fell through one of the set’s roofs.

  Gothika (2003)

  This psychological thriller didn’t feature a lot of stunt work, but Halle Berry still managed to break her arm. Co-star Robert Downey Jr. was supposed to grab her arm and twist it. Unfortunately, he twisted too hard and Berry’s arm snapped. The production had to shut down for eight weeks while Berry recovered.

  The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010)

  Several scenes in this Nicolas Cage movie were shot on the streets of New York City. During the filming of a chase scene, a stuntman driving a Ferrari lost control of the vehicle while attempting to perform a “power slide.” The car slid too far, jumped a curb, took out an electrical pole, and careened through the entrance of a Sbarro restaurant in the middle of Times Square. Two people were injured, one of whom was hit by the pole. Two nights later, another nine onlookers were hurt when a stunt driver lost control of a BMW X5 after she slammed into a parked SUV. Many crew members began to wonder if the film was cursed while media reports questioned why the sidewalks around the set weren’t closed to pedestrians. The producers later blamed both accidents on inclement weather and slippery pavement.

  “NINE ONLOOKERS WERE HURT WHEN A STUNT DRIVER LOST CONTROL OF A BMW X5 AFTER SHE SLAMMED INTO A PARKED SUV.”

  THE HUNTER WHO BURNED CALIFORNIA

  In October 2003, 33-year-old Sergio Martinez was in the forests outside San Diego hunting for deer when he got separated from his hunting partner. Not wanting to scare away the deer, Martinez didn’t call out for help. Despite the dry conditions that are common in California, he lit a rescue flare.

  The Department of Fire Protection reacted almost immediately. After 30 minutes, the fire was still smaller than a football field, and 320 firefighters were at work. But then Santa Ana winds picked up. Within 14 hours, the fire had spread 30 miles.

  Martinez was saved, but the Cedar Fire, as it came to be known, took over a week to contain. It became the largest wildfire in California history, eventually destroying an area larger than the city of Los Angeles. More than 2,200 homes were bu
rned, and 14 people died. The fire cost the state $1.3 billion, but Martinez avoided jail time. Instead, he was sentenced to six months of work release, a five-year probation, and a fine of $9,000, to be paid to the U.S. Forest Service and used in their fire safety education program.

  ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL (FAILS)?

  Whizzed. During a 1952 NFL game between the Chicago Bears and the Los Angeles Rams, Bears halfback Wilford “Whizzer” White tried to avoid the rush by running backward, dodging defenders, a bit more, and a little bit more, until he had run 51 yards—the wrong way—to his own goal line. Then he fumbled the ball and the Rams scored.

  Caught with his punts down. During the 1986 NFC Championship Game, New York Giants punter Sean Landeta attempted a routine punt…and missed. He kicked his own leg instead of the ball. The Chicago Bears’ Shaun Gayle scooped up the ball and ran it back for a touchdown. (Landeta blamed the whiffed punt—the only one in NFL history—on a gust of wind.) The Giants lost the game 21–0.

  Gus what? Washington Redskins quarterback Gus Frerotte scored on a 1-yard touchdown run just before halftime of a 1997 game, and was so excited he headbutted the wall under the stands… and sprained his neck. He finished out the half, but spent the rest of the day in the hospital.

  Party foul. Arizona Cardinals rookie kicker Bill Gramatica made a 43-yard field goal during a 2001 game against the New York Giants, then jumped into the air in celebration, landed awkwardly, and tore a ligament in his right knee. He was out for the rest of the season.

  Falling Starr. At an NFL dinner the evening before Super Bowl XXXIII in January 1999, Atlanta Falcons safety Eugene Robinson was awarded the Bart Starr Award, given annually to a player with “high moral character.” Later that night, Robinson was arrested for attempting to solicit a prostitute. Robinson was allowed to play in the Super Bowl the next day (he and the Falcons lost to the Denver Broncos 34–19), but he had to return the award.

  Duke of Owww. After running for a touchdown during a game in 2005, Maynard “Duke” Pettijohn of the Arena Football League’s Dallas Desperados emphatically spiked the football…and the entire audience let out a dramatic (and sympathetic) “Ohhhhh!” The ball had bounced straight up into the groin of referee Mike DeLaney, who fell to the ground in agony. Pettijohn was given a (very) personal foul.

  CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES! COME ON!

  Celebrate Good Times: In September 2012, a teenager from Haren, in the Netherlands, invited her friends to her 16th birthday party via Facebook.

  Come On: She forgot to mark the invitation “private.” Strangers saw the message and shared it, and it quickly went viral…roughly 4,000 people showed up for the party. The girl and her family had to be taken from their home by police to an undisclosed location as the revelers took to the streets of Haren, smashing shop windows, setting cars ablaze, and engaging in skirmishes with the more than 500 police officers called in to deal with the party/riot. Twenty-nine people were injured, and 34 were arrested.

  Celebrate Good Times: Alex Bowden attended a party in a Darwin, Australia, suburb in August 2012. Fireworks were set off at some point in the festivities.

  Come On: Bowden, thinking it would be a good party trick, pulled down his trousers, placed a spinning “Flying Bee” firecracker between his butt cheeks, and lit it. Partygoers called paramedics when the firecracker went off—and Bowden began screaming in agony. He was rushed to a hospital to be treated for “quite severe and very painful burns to his cheeks, back, and private bits.” (Bowden also burned his fingers…when he pulled the still-spinning and burning incendiary device from his butt.) From his hospital bed the day after the incident, Bowden said, “It’s not as bad as everyone’s saying,” and added that his mother “thought it was funny.”

  Celebrate Good Times: On December 31, 2010, a man in Munich, Germany, drove to the center of the city to take part in raucous New Year’s Eve festivities. He got very, very drunk. In the wee hours of the morning he very responsibly got a taxi home, and the next day went to retrieve his car.

  Come On: He couldn’t find his car. He called the police and they helped him look for it—he remembered the area where he had parked it but they couldn’t find the car, either. Days went by—no car. Weeks went by—no car. Then months went by. Still no car. Worse: He was a master woodworker, and his tools—more than $50,000 worth—were in the car’s trunk. Finally, in October 2012—almost two years later—a police officer found the woodworker’s lost car. It had been sitting right where he’d left it…about 2.5 miles from where he had told police he was sure he’d parked it. His tools were still in the trunk.

  DELETE THE TWEET

  PARDON MY FRENCH. During an early round at the 2012 London Summer Olympics, Switzerland’s men’s soccer team lost to South Korea 2–1. Later that day, Swiss player Michel Morganella posted a message on Twitter. The translation, from French: “I’m going to beat up every Korean, go on, burn yourselves, bunch of mongoloids.” Morganella was immediately kicked off the Swiss national team and sent home. He later apologized and said he had been “provoked” into the reaction by other Twitter users. His Twitter account was soon deleted.

  HUGH JASSMAN. Australian-born Hollywood star Hugh Jackman was visiting his home country in April 2009 when he tweeted, “Having lunch on the harbor across from the Opera Center. Loving life!” Several of Jackman’s Australian fans called foul: “Harbor” is spelled “harbour” in Australia, and “center” is spelled “centre.” Jackman initially made things worse by blaming the mistakes on his smartphone’s auto-correct spelling function—but his fans called foul again: Even if he had spelled “centre” correctly, it’s not called the Opera Centre—it’s the Opera House. Jackman finally admitted that he hadn’t made the tweets—a staffer back in Los Angeles had. He apologized for lying.

  YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE FIRED! In February 2009, someone with the Twitter handle “@theconnor” posted a tweet celebrating—sort of—a new job: “Cisco just offered me a job!” @theconnor wrote. “Now I have to weigh the utility of a fatty paycheck against the daily commute to San Jose and hating the work.” A short while later Tim Lavad—a Cisco employee—responded: “Who is the hiring manager? I’m sure they would love to know that you will hate the work.” The exchange went viral, and the person Twitter users dubbed “Cisco Fatty” was mocked mercilessly by thousands of twitterers before the tweet was finally deleted and the account made private. “Cisco Fatty” was later revealed to be 22-year-old Connor Riley, a student at the University of California, Berkeley. She admitted that Cisco had indeed learned about her errant tweet—and had rescinded the job offer. “I should have been a little bit more careful,” she said.

  WHAT A BOOB! In November 2011, Dean McDermott, husband of actress Tori Spelling, took a photo of the couple’s five-year-old son with a silly sticker on his face and posted it for his 80,000 Twitter followers. And they started retweeting the photo like crazy. Why? McDermott had failed to notice that his wife’s naked breasts were plainly visible in the photo’s background. McDermott deleted the tweet not much later, but it was too late. An embarrassed Spelling later told CNN that it had been an honest accident: “I am a mom, I was nursing my baby,” she said. (The couple had just had their third child a month earlier.)

  IT’S A RECORD, ALMOST!

  Mower riding: Floyd Malacek tried to jump the Lac qui Parle River in Minnesota while riding on lawn mower. It’s a 40-foot jump. Malacek missed…by 35 feet.

  Live burial: On April 1, 1977, Robert Mannah had himself buried in a box underground, intending to stay for 102 days in order to claim the world record for a live burial. On day 102 he emerged, only to find out that he made a miscalculation— the record was 217 days, not 101. He also found out that Guinness had long since discontinued the live-burial category because it was too dangerous.

  Assembly of Smurfs: In 2008, 395 Croatians gathered together, painted their faces blue, and donned long-sleeved blue shirts, white pants, and white caps to set the record for “most Smurfs gathered together at on
e time.” Official photos were taken and sent to Guinness for inclusion and certification in the next book of world records. After all, they had smashed the previous record (it existed) of 291 human-Smurfs. However, they hadn’t done very good research, because in late 2007, students at Warwick University in England had also smashed the record, as well as the Croatians’ attempt: 451 Smurfs. “We read on the Internet that the record was 290 people held by a group of Americans, and decided to beat it. We could easily have got more Smurfs, but we thought that over a hundred more than the American record would be enough,” said a dejected, or downright blue, Croatian Smurf.

  “GUINNESS HAD LONG SINCE DISCONTINUED THE LIVE-BURIAL CATEGORY BECAUSE IT WAS TOO DANGEROUS.”

  Staying awake: Tony Wright of Cornwell set what he thought was a world record for sleeplessness by a two-hour margin, when in 2007, he stayed awake for 266 hours. Then he found out that his research had been wrong, and someone else had set a record of 276 hours. And then he found out that Guinness no longer lists records for sleep deprivation.

  Coconut smashing: In 2008, a Danish man wanted to set the world record for opening coconuts with his bare hands. He planned a public record-breaking ceremony in Copenhagen, and invited a TV crew and representatives from Guinness. The man stood in front of a table stocked with a row of 20 coconuts. The timer went off and off he went, chopping at the coconuts with only his hand. He missed the first one completely. The second one he hit, and it didn’t crack. Same thing with the next eight coconuts. At that point, the man gave up, fairly certain he’d broken his hand. Number of coconuts busted open: zero.