Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents
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“THE COMPANY’S LAWYERS’ MAIN ARGUMENT: EXXON DIDN’T DO IT ON PURPOSE, SO IT SHOULDN’T BE PUNISHED AS IF IT DID.”
DISORDER IN THE COURT
A judge initially fined the company $5 billion, equal to one year’s profits. Exxon appealed and got the amount reduced. Then it appealed again… and again—each time getting the amount whittled down even more. The company’s lawyers’ two main arguments: 1) Exxon didn’t do it on purpose, so it shouldn’t be punished as if it did; and 2) If Captain Hazelwood hadn’t gotten drunk and left the bridge, the ship wouldn’t have crashed.
Exxon took the case all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. In 2008 eight of the nine judges heard oral arguments. (Justice Samuel Alito recused himself because he owns Exxon stock.) The court’s ruling: Exxon’s actions were “worse than negligent but less than malicious.” They reduced the punitive damages from $2.5 billion to $500 million.
Third Mate Greg Cousins was cleared of all charges. Captain Hazelwood was acquitted of felony charges but found guilty of a misdemeanor “negligent discharge of oil.” He was fined $50,000 and sentenced to 1,000 hours of community service. He never captained a ship again.
UNSOUND POLICIES
According to BBC journalist Greg Palast, who spent much of the 1990s investigating the accident, executives at Exxon, British Petroleum, and other oil companies were to blame, as they knew of the risks of a spill in Prince William Sound. After all, that’s where the Alaska Pipeline lets out, and it would have been far too costly to move operations to a less fragile area. So for more than a decade, charged Palast, the companies falsified records, threatened whistleblowers with blackmail, and cut safety costs.
Here’s the worst part: The Valdez disaster could have been prevented by a piece of radar-repeating equipment called the RAYCAS (Raytheon Collision Avoidance System). Unlike the ship’s sonar, the RAYCAS could detect objects underwater. “The third mate,” said Palast, “would never have hit Bligh Reef had he simply looked at his RAYCAS radar. But he could not. Why? Because it was not turned on. The complex system costs a lot to operate, so frugal Exxon management left it broken and useless.”
THE ULTIMATE ZIPPER ACCIDENT
Phillip Seaton of Waddy, Kentucky, had gone to the hospital in 2007 to be circumcised, in order to better treat an inflammatory problem. During the procedure, however, Seaton’s physician, Dr. John Patterson, discovered that Seaton’s penis was, as he later testified, “riddled with cancer.” So what did Dr. Patterson do? He lopped it off.
When Seaton came to, he was, reasonably, very upset to find out that his penis was gone, and had been removed without his consent. He sued Dr. Patterson, claiming that he never gave permission to have his penis cut off and was not given the opportunity to get a second opinion.
“This case isn’t about a man’s penis being removed,” Dr. Patterson’s lawyer said in court, “it’s about cancer being removed.” Seaton’s lawyer argued that his client should have had the opportunity to treat the cancer in such a way that it require the lopping off of his penis.
The judge initially sided with the doctor; the case is currently under appeal. But no matter what happens, or however much money Seaton gets in a settlement, he’ll never get his penis back. But he doesn’t have cancer, which is nice.
UNCLE JOHN’S BATHROOM
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