Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5)

by Cecilia London

  She scraped her remaining eggs in the garbage. “I’m done with this conversation. I’m going back to bed.”

  Fuck it all. Every time he tried to get her to open up she’d shut back down. At least when he yelled at her he got her to respond. “To do what?” Jack challenged. “Lay there feeling sorry for yourself? That’s what you’ve done every damn day since you got out of the hospital. At some point the pity party has to end.”

  “What do you know about it?”

  “You think I don’t know what’s running around in your head right now?”

  “You don’t want to know what’s going on in my mind, McIntyre. If you knew, you’d fly out the door the first chance you got.”

  Dammit. She’d already started backing down the hall. Her favorite means of escape. “Then tell me. Help me understand.”

  “I don’t want you to understand,” she said, shoving into the bedroom and shutting the door behind her.

  Jack sat for a moment, pondering his options. None of them seemed particularly desirable. But he wouldn’t accomplish anything if he spent the rest of the morning brooding at the kitchen table. That would be as counterproductive as her behavior. He threw his entire plate into the trash and burst into the bedroom without bothering to knock first. “We’re going to talk about this, Caroline. Right now.”

  She was weeping softly, the teddy bear wrapped in her arms. “Leave me alone.”

  Caroline tried so hard to turn him to stone but the sound of her tears made him crumble to dust. He couldn’t stay angry when she was that upset. “I don’t want to do that, sweetheart.”

  “You don’t need me,” she said. “You don’t need this.”

  He laid down on the bed next to her, rubbing her back. “I do,” he said. “You’re my wife. I think it’s in the contract we signed.” Caroline continued to cry and he let out a harsh breath. “We’re in big trouble if that didn’t even make you crack a smile.”

  She turned to face him. “Why are you still here? Any normal person would have given up on me by now.”

  He did the best he could to wipe her tears away. “You’ve given up. I haven’t. And I won’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “You know why.” Jack took the bear and tossed it aside, pulling her into his arms before she could protest. “You need to stop doing this to yourself. At least stick to only one emotion per day so I know what I’m dealing with. This back and forth isn’t good for either one of us.”

  She sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Just stop shutting down.”

  “You shouldn’t have to deal with me. With any of this. It’s not fair to you.”

  He wasn’t sure if anything that had happened to them was fair, even the good stuff. “I don’t expect it to be. Tell me what’s really bothering you.”

  “I can’t.”

  He sighed. “Sweetheart, you’re becoming disturbingly predictable. Fine. I’ll tell you what’s bothering me.”

  Caroline leaned in further. “Do you have to?”

  “It would make me feel better.”

  She made a few more snuffling noises before she spoke again. “All right.”

  A cagey response was better than nothing. “I want you to talk to me about what happened when we were apart. Do you think you’ll ever be able to do that?”

  “I don’t know,” she whispered.

  Reticent honesty. Even if it was frustrating. “I want you to work on that, okay?”

  “I’ll try.”

  Jack wiped the remaining tears off her face. “It sounds selfish, but I need you to help me. I see this haunted, painful look in your eyes and sometimes I think imagining what happened to you is worse than knowing.”

  Caroline shuddered. “I can’t-”

  “I know you can’t, not yet. I just wanted you to know how I feel.” He pulled her left wrist to his lips and kissed it. “There were limits to what you told Natalie. You need to talk about it, tell someone all the details you’re trying to block out. And I hope that someone is me.”

  “They didn’t rape me,” she said bluntly. “I know that’s what you’ve been worried about.”

  Shit. He hadn’t expected her to say that. “It wasn’t-”

  “You don’t have to lie.”

  Truth be told, he thought about it constantly. More than the violence, more than the scarring, more than anything. He’d had more than his fair share of nightmares, though they’d faded with time. Yet another burden they carried together. “I’m not - are you sure?” He couldn’t keep his voice or his hands from shaking, and she must have noticed.

  “I’m sure,” she said softly. “I should have told you sooner.”

  “It’s okay.” He let out the breath he’d been holding. “I mean, it’s good.”

  “That isn’t quite the word I would use.”

  He wouldn’t dwell on the implications dripping from that statement. Any baby step toward her health was a step he would damn well take. “Then let me help you.” Jack rubbed her arms gently. “Short sleeves today. Did you notice that?”

  “I hadn’t thought about it.”

  “I like it.” He kissed her wrist again. “Makes me think you’re making progress. That we’re making progress.”

  “Maybe progress isn’t a good thing.”

  “Why is that?”

  “What if this all goes away?” she whispered. “What if I lose you again?”

  Was that what she was worried about? On top of everything else? “That will never happen.”

  “You can’t say things like that. You know you can’t.” Caroline shivered. “Do you know how hard it was when I thought you were gone?”

  Jack took another deep breath. She was counting on him to keep his emotions in check. “I have a vague idea, yes.”

  “When I was in that place, almost all I thought about was you. And our life together. I tried using memories of you, of everyone, to get through, until-”

  “I’m sorry you suffered like that. I hope-” He pressed his lips to her forehead. Dammit, five minutes in and he couldn’t hold it together. He couldn’t comfort her if he was falling apart himself.

  “What?” she asked.

  Jack brought his mouth to her cheek, kissing her near her ear. “I hope it gave you comfort to think of me.”

  Caroline sniffled. “It did. But sometimes I wonder if that life we used to have was real. Did I imagine it?”

  “No,” he said quietly. “You didn’t. It was every bit as good as you remember. Maybe better.”

  “That almost makes it worse. Makes it harder to deal with now.” She looked up at him. “I think I’m the one who wants to turn back the clock.”

  What would he give to be able to grant that wish? “I wouldn’t mind doing it,” Jack said. “If I could, I would. Not because of what we had, but because it kills me to think of what happened to you. To us.”

  “I’m sorry,” Caroline whispered. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “You need to think back on things and smile, sweetheart. Not try to forget they happened. It isn’t good for you.”

  She pressed her head into his shoulder. “I can’t help it. You wrap your arms around me at night and all I can do is wish we were at home.” She let out a sob. “I hated that house in Philadelphia for so long and now it’s all I ever think about. And you keep saying all these nice things to me no matter what I do or say to you. And I don’t know how to react.”

  Yeah, he’d figured that out. “Just let me be nice to you. That’s all you have to do. I miss our house too. But mostly because you were there with me.”

  Caroline choked out a tiny laugh. “See, there you are. Being nice to me again.”

  “I’m telling you the truth. And I want to help you. In whatever way you need.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know how to be a person anymore.”

  What a silly thing to say. “Of course you do. You had such spirit, sweetheart. You’re just afraid to trust.”

&n
bsp; “Is that what you think? That I don’t trust you?”

  He wasn’t taking it personally, but it was hard to witness. “I don’t think you trust anyone, especially yourself.”

  “It’s hard to be whole and intricate,” she whispered. “It’s easy to be nonthreatening.”

  Jack kissed her forehead again. “I like you much better when you’re a troublemaker.”

  Caroline wiped her eyes, shifting her shoulders. Shit, he’d said the wrong thing again. “It doesn’t matter,” she said. “We can’t let that happen again, Jack. We can’t go back. Maybe it’s better to admit we can’t work this out.”

  “We can work this out. You have to trust it. Trust us.”

  “I can’t do that. I wish I could but I can’t let myself be close to you. It reminds me of too many things I’m trying to forget.”

  “So you’re going to keep running scared? Bouncing back and forth between your emotions? That’s not good for you, sweetheart.”

  “I don’t know how else to act.”

  “You don’t have to be afraid of us,” Jack said. “Afraid of the way you feel.”

  “I lost everything. Everything that was important to me. Everything that made me who I was. And I can’t set myself up for a fall like that again. I just can’t.” She started crying again.

  He pulled her chin up. “Sometimes you have to take chances. And this time you definitely have to take a chance. I thought you were gone and now I have you back. I’m not going to let that opportunity slip away.” He smiled at her. Maybe if he did that more often, he could splinter her glum exterior. “Doesn’t it feel good, being with me? You can admit it.”

  Caroline burrowed into his chest. “It does feel good. Too good.”

  “You can take advantage of it,” Jack said. “Because I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And I meant what I said. Even if this is all I ever get from you, I’ll find a way to be happy. Just having you in my life is a bonus at this point.”

  She sat up and shook her head. “You’re crazy. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be around me all the time.”

  “It’s good,” Jack said. “Although it’s much better when you’re not yelling.”

  Caroline wrapped her arms around herself. “Sometimes I don’t know why you put up with me.”

  He chuckled. “Because I want to. And because I don’t know any better.” He pulled her into a hard hug. “I’m never going to stop loving you, Caroline. It’s just not possible.”

  “I feel like I’m leading you on,” she whispered. “I’m stringing you along, like you said.”

  Fuck, he never should have said that. “You’re not. I shouldn’t have made it sound like that. I just – I miss you. I miss being close to you. Not only physically, but intellectually and emotionally. I hate seeing you treat yourself this way when I know you feel the same.”

  “I don’t want to give you false hope.”

  Jack tucked her hair behind her ear. He’d take advantage of any opportunity to comfort her. “There’s always hope. Especially when it comes to you. Whatever point we can reach, I’ll take. No matter how long it takes for us to get there. Understand?”

  Caroline let go of him and lay down on the bed again. “Sure.”

  “You can’t do this alone. Being around me may be hard, but it would be just as bad if we were apart, right?”

  She pressed her nose into the pillow. “I don’t know.”

  He’d have to work on getting her to firm up her answers. “Don’t worry about hurting me. Work on getting better. And stretch out, for God’s sake.”

  “Huh?”

  He patted her legs. “You’re scrunched up into a tight little ball. It’s a big bed. Use it.”

  She straightened out. “Is that better?”

  Jack rubbed her back. “Getting there. You need to feel more comfortable about claiming what’s yours. What was it you used to tell me? How women take up as little space as possible while men fill the room as best they can?”

  “I can’t believe you remember that. I thought you ignored me when I went on mini-rants.”

  It hurt that she sounded so surprised. “I always listened when you would tell me those theories,” he said. “I wanted to expand my worldview to include something other than my own experiences.”

  “You were really paying attention?”

  Jack kissed her forehead. “You’re hard to ignore.”

  Caroline gazed up at him, but as soon as she made eye contact she shifted away. An almost automatic reaction when he started to get too close.

  “I hate when you do that,” he said.

  “Do what?”

  “You look at me then turn away, like I’m reminding you of something terrible.”

  “It’s not that,” she whispered. “It’s complicated.”

  He wiped a tear off her face. An equally automatic response. “Help me uncomplicate it, then.”

  She didn’t look like she was ready for that discussion, but it never hurt to try. Caroline reached up to stroke his cheek, and he closed his eyes.

  “Do you sleep at all anymore?” she asked.

  The bags under his eyes had not gone unnoticed. “Not really. I spend most of the night making sure you’re okay.”

  “You shouldn’t do that,” she said quietly.

  “I want to.” Jack grinned irreverently. “And you can’t stop me.”

  Caroline sighed. “I know.”

  “I treasure being able to hold you, sweetheart. I’d rather do that than sleep.”

  “You need to stop saying things like that.”

  He wouldn’t stop being nice. He told himself not to stop being nice. But her reactions sometimes made it difficult to continue. “What, letting you know that I care?”

  “It’s not that. You make me feel very guilty. And if you weren’t my husband, the idea of a man watching me sleep all night would be super creepy.”

  Jack chuckled and pulled her to him. “I don’t want you to feel that way, Caroline. I’m being as honest with you as I can. I don’t ever want you to forget how important you are to me.”

  “Even if I’ll never be what you need me to be?”

  “I’m sure we’ll find a happy medium.” Jack rubbed her back, and she relaxed immediately. A good sign. “Want me to stay with you for a little bit?”

  Caroline lay her head on his chest. “Yes,” she admitted.

  He could lighten the mood. “Would you like me to sing to you?”

  She not so gracefully hid a scowl. “Please don’t. I’ve never told you this, but you have an atrocious singing voice. It borders on the unnatural.”

  That was a new one. “Is that the reason you woke up in the hospital? To order me to stop serenading you?”

  “I wouldn’t call it a serenade. I won’t tell you what it did sound like, because I’m trying very hard to be tactful.”

  Jack squeezed her tighter. “Okay, then. No singing.”

  “Tell me a story instead,” Caroline said softly.

  He didn’t care if it was fatigue or something else. Her vulnerability was fetching. “Do you know how unintentionally adorable you are right now?”

  “I’m not adorable. I’m tired.”

  “You can be both. What kind of story?”

  “Something happy.”

  He could certainly handle that. “Once upon a time-”

  “Does it have to start like that?”

  “Yes. How do you want it to start?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Just let me tell it,” he said.

  Caroline yawned. “Okay. I won’t interrupt anymore.”

  The odds of that were pretty damn low. “We’ll see how that goes. Anyway, once upon a time there was a princess. A beautiful, brave, wonderful princess.”

  “Do I know her?”

  “You might,” he said. “Did you forget about not interrupting me?”

  “Yeah.”

  Jack stroked her cheek. “Close your eyes and listen,” he said, smiling as she s
nuggled in closer. “Let’s not make her a princess. She was a queen. A fair and lovely queen, valiant and true, whose subjects adored her. She was kind and loving, determined and strong. She lit up a room whenever she walked in, and treated everyone she encountered as if they were royalty themselves.”

  “She seems nice,” Caroline murmured. “Maybe I’d like her.”

  He sighed. “You make it so hard to tell a good story. If you don’t stop interrupting I’ll start singing instead. Not kidding.”

  “I’ll stop.”

  His threat must have worked because she sounded deeply concerned at the prospect of him breaking into song. Jack paused, tempted to tell her that he was thoroughly enjoying her disruptions. “The queen was married to a king who adored her with all his heart and would do anything to make her happy. The only reason he achieved anything of worth and value was because she supported him. They drifted apart, though they loved each other desperately.” He cleared his throat. “The king made many mistakes but remained hopeful that with time the queen would understand and forgive him.”

  “Jack-”

  “Let me finish, sweetheart. The queen had been wounded by life and didn’t believe in happy endings, but the king was certain someday he’d be able to give her one. Because he knew that deep in her heart of hearts, that was what she truly wanted. Even if it took his entire life to accomplish, he was determined to achieve his goal.” He kissed her forehead. “Whether she liked it or not. The end.”

  “I’m not completely sure that was a work of fiction,” Caroline said.

  “Didn’t you like it?”

  She sniffed loudly and didn’t speak.

  Wasn’t she a little crabby crab. “It can happen,” Jack said quietly. “If you let it.”

  “You just want to be a king.”

  He laughed. “No, I’m saying you deserve to be treated like a queen. Although you know how much I enjoy being in charge. I told the story. You heard it. And you don’t get to editorialize it.”

  Caroline yawned again. “Fine.”

  She was so damn tired. He had to get her to relax somehow. “I’ll tell you what,” Jack said. “We’ve had storytime but maybe we can rest up enough so I can make a lunch you won’t throw in the trash. I’ll even agree to get some sleep and not creep you out by watching you the whole time. How does that sound?”