Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5)

by Cecilia London

  Caroline didn’t want to think about how many demons Jack had. Hers kept multiplying. “When I talk to you, I can discuss it rationally. And it almost makes sense. When I’m with him, it’s like I’m looking for a reason to distrust him or to snap at him. Like I want to hate him.” She hung her head. “I hit him the other day.”

  “I know,” Natalie said softly.

  She brought her head back up. “He told you?”

  Natalie answered the other, unspoken question first. “He came to see me that afternoon. He was more upset at how he treated you, to be honest.”

  “I still shouldn’t have slapped him.”

  “Well, no. You shouldn’t have. But he understands why you did. Although I will tell you that as a general policy, hitting people is not advisable. You really need to work on that, Caroline.”

  She’d never been quick to violence. It was unsettling to know how easily she could snap. “I know.”

  “I will also add that while I think the two of you need to watch your tempers, it’s encouraging that you’re attaching your guilt to something legitimate. I don’t expect you to engage with each other in that way again. Do you?”

  “No.” Caroline winced. “What else does he feel guilty about?”

  “Caroline, come on. You really don’t know, or you don’t want to say?”

  “I told him it wasn’t his fault.”

  “You think that’s enough to make his feelings disappear? Put yourself in his shoes. He’s spent the last eighteen months racked with guilt over what he believes was the worst decision he’s ever made in his entire life. What if you had done it? How would you feel?”

  “Do you think that’s why I keep striking out at him?”

  “Caroline, I can’t tell you what to think. You’re the only person who knows why you’re acting this way toward Jack.”

  “I’m afraid my emotions are going to come out in a really bad way, when I least expect it. And I can’t talk to him about it.”

  “Why can’t you talk to him?”

  “He’ll pity me. Feel sorry for me.”

  “You know he won’t. Are you still angry at him?”

  Yes. No. Maybe. Best to just fall back on her standard non-answer. “I don’t know.”

  “You’re torn, that’s all. You can feel more than one emotion at a time. It’s not like you have a penis and are therefore physically incapable of doing so.”

  “That’s true.” Caroline laughed but it quickly faded. “I’ve said so many terrible things to him, Natalie. They come out and I can’t stop them. I tell myself not to say them out loud but they just appear and-”

  “They don’t just appear.”

  “I don’t have the same filter I did before.”

  “You have a lot more going on in your head than you did before.”

  At least Natalie wasn’t going to yell at her about it. “I think Jack’s got a lot going on in his head, too. Are you annoyed at being our go-between? You poor thing.”

  “It’s not a problem,” Natalie said. “I love you both. In case you were wondering.”

  That was nice to hear. “Will you-?”

  “No, I will not conduct another joint session with you.”

  “How did you know that was what I was going to ask?”

  She smiled at Caroline. “You’re a little predictable. And you’re going to have to work this out on your own. I can’t help you this time. You’ve got to do it yourselves. I’m more than happy to sit down with the two of you after you have a private conversation, the contents of which I will never be privy to.”

  “But you’re our therapist.”

  Natalie laughed. “I am, I guess.”

  “Then why can’t you order us back into therapy?”

  “Why do you think that would help? If you can’t admit your deepest fears to me separately, do you really think you can do it if the other person is in the room? It’s not my place to handle this. It’s yours. You’re going to have to get to the point where the unvarnished truth comes out and you deal with the consequences.”

  That sounded dour as hell. “I’m afraid of what might happen, Natalie.”

  “You say that, but you know it’s not all hunky dory right now, is it? Do you think it can get worse?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ve let this build up long enough. The two of you are massive control freaks but you can’t restrain yourselves when you’re around each other because your emotions override your common sense. That’s a huge part of the problem.”

  “What do we do about it?”

  “Not much you can do. Most people are the same way, but you’re a little more wound up right now.”

  “How was he last night? Really?”

  Natalie leaned back on the couch. “We talked for a while, which helped. But he barely said anything as we were cleaning up. I could tell he was trying not to lose it.”

  Shit. Why hadn’t she woken him up when she arrived home? “Do you think he was dwelling on my metaphorical destruction of our couplehood?”

  “I think he was upset because he doesn’t know what he can do for you. And he’s trying, Caroline. He’s trying so hard.”

  “I know.”

  “Why did you throw that picture?”

  Caroline picked it up off the table and handed it to Natalie. “Have you ever seen it before?”

  Natalie glanced at it briefly. “No, but it’s a lovely photo.”

  “I saw it and snapped. I don’t like remembering days like that. When I was content, joyful, fully alive. When I was lulled into this sense of complacency, fooling myself into believing I could have a happily ever after. Even though I know damn well that such a concept doesn’t exist.”

  “Of course it doesn’t. Doesn’t mean you can’t have a good life.”

  “That life is gone.”

  “But Jack is still here. And so are you.”

  “I’m not sure I should be here with him.”

  “Of course you should be here,” Natalie said irritably. “Why would you suggest such a thing?”

  “How’s Jack been acting lately, as opposed to a few weeks ago? Or a few months ago?”

  Natalie didn’t say anything.

  “That bad?” Caroline asked.

  “He has a lot on his mind. But he always has a lot on his mind. You know that.”

  “I shouldn’t be here,” she whispered. “I’m a distraction. I’m bringing the movement down.”

  “You are not.”

  “Natalie, I’ve been in California for over six months and look at everything that’s happened. Gabe died, I almost died, I attacked another soldier, I failed at therapy. I’ve failed at everything and now I’m bringing Jack down too.”

  “You haven’t failed. You’re trying to find your direction. These things don’t take a simple path.”

  “I’ve said so many horrible things to him.” She looked over at her friend. “And based on your body language, I assume he’s repeated a lot of them to you.”

  “Yes,” Natalie said quietly.

  “I can’t keep acting this way,” Caroline whispered. “I’m killing him.”

  “Then you need to figure out why you’re doing it.”

  “What if I make it worse?”

  “You have to take that chance.” Natalie handed Caroline the photo. “Look, I have a silver frame in my apartment that would fit this perfectly. Do you want me to go get it?”

  “It’s wrinkled.”

  “That’s okay. I think Jack would appreciate it.”

  Caroline smiled. “I think he would too.”

  “Of course, the frame used to contain a picture of my parents, and they have what I think is a lousy marriage. So there might be some karma in it.”

  “Is it sturdy? Would it break if someone were to throw it across the room in a fit of anger?”

  Natalie grinned wryly. “It’s close to indestructible. I might have thrown it once or twice when I got here and it was fine. It has Plexiglas so it didn’t even crack.”
r />   “Is that what made you think of it?”

  “Yes.”

  “The karma can’t be that bad.”

  “Then I’ll go get it.”

  Caroline didn’t really want her to leave. She tried not to sound sheepish. “What time do you have to work today?”

  Natalie looked at her watch. “Not for another few hours. Why?”

  “Do you want to bake cookies?”

  Natalie gave her a quick hug. “Sure. I’ll be back in a few.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was late when Jack got back to the apartment. Late enough that Caroline had dozed off on the couch waiting for him. She heard the key in the lock and straightened up as the light from the hallway seeped inside the living room. The kitchen light was on but that might not be enough for him.

  “You can turn on the light,” she said. “I’m awake.”

  “Oh.” Jack sounded surprised. “I didn’t think you’d still be up.”

  Caroline rubbed her eyes and yawned.

  “Did I wake you?” he asked.

  “No,” she said. “I must have nodded off. What time is it?”

  “Almost one. You should go to bed.”

  The light remained off. She got the impression he didn’t want to talk. Strange. “I made you cookies.”

  “You did?”

  “Well, Natalie and I did.”

  “Did you have fun?”

  She laughed more than she had in years, though there were moments when Natalie reminded her so much of Katie that it hurt. “I think so,” Caroline said. “Natalie seemed to enjoy herself.”

  “She’s a good kid,” Jack said.

  “I’m glad she was there for you last night.”

  He cleared his throat. “She told you about that?”

  “She said she helped you clean up.”

  “Oh.”

  He was evasive. Distant. More so than usual. “Did something else happen?” Caroline asked.

  “No. Where did you go?”

  “I took a little walk.”

  “In the dark?”

  It hadn’t been that dark. If it had she wouldn’t have gone. “I had the flashlight.”

  “Did it help? Being alone, I mean.”

  “I went to see the guys afterward. We watched some baseball.”

  “That’s nice. I was up until midnight. You could have come back to talk to me.”

  She could hear the frustration in his voice. In hindsight, going to her friends instead of him could be considered pretty damned offensive. “I didn’t think - that seemed like a very bad idea.” She needed to apologize. Quickly. “Jack, I-”

  He didn’t give her a chance to complete the sentence. “I forgot. You’re the one who gets to dictate our lives.”

  Caroline rubbed her eyes. His shit mood kept deteriorating. “I don’t want to fight. You could have asked me all this earlier today instead of giving me the silent treatment.”

  Jack sighed. “I wasn’t giving you the silent treatment. I didn’t know what to say to you.”

  She had to ask the obvious question. “Are you mad at me?”

  “Did I seem mad last night?”

  Not a single straight answer since he’d come in the room. “You did. It’s why I left. I didn’t want to make it worse.”

  “And you were masking your hostility with fake contrition. Don’t act like you were trying to help.”

  She bristled. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “I know you can’t stand to be around me, Caroline. The question is why you’re still here. Unless you’re looking for a few more of my personal possessions to annihilate.”

  “I said-” Every time she opened her mouth she made things worse. She was having a hard time figuring out how to explain herself. “I told you I was sorry, and I am. I don’t know what happened.”

  He crossed his arms. “You know exactly what happened. You just don’t have the guts to admit it.”

  This was not how Caroline anticipated their discussion going at all. “Jack, you’re exhausted. Maybe we shouldn’t have this conversation right now.”

  “Or maybe it’s the best time to have it.” He spread his arms wide. “You trashed the hell out of my bedroom. Maybe you want to take another shot at me too?”

  Barely controlled anger. That was the best way to describe his mood. And she was one word or movement away from setting him off. “I don’t – I think we should call it a night. Before one of us says something we can’t take back.”

  Jack glared at her. “Oh, we wouldn’t want that, would we? You’d rather seethe and gripe and moan and wail and demolish things without telling anyone the source of your anger.”

  I want to explain but you won’t listen to me. “You’re trying to bait me into an argument and it’s not going to work.” Caroline walked over to the kitchen table and picked up the silver frame Natalie had given her. “The cookies are on the counter.”

  “What’s that?” Jack asked.

  She threw the frame on the couch. Fuck his temper. “It’s your precious photo, the one you can’t live without. The one that reminds you of everything you think we had. I fixed it. I was trying to be nice.”

  Some of his anger faded. “Caroline-”

  “Take the fucking frame, all right? I wanted to have a normal conversation but I can see that’s not possible. I’m going to bed.”

  “Wait. Sweetheart-”

  Oh, now he wanted to talk? She’d tried. She was ready to talk and she’d tried, and he wasn’t having it. It was so easy for her to slip back into defensiveness. Into knee jerk reactionary behavior. She let her darker instincts take over. “Forget it. I’m tired. I’m going to bed. I bet Underwood would be happy to keep you company if you can’t sleep.”

  Jack picked the frame up off the couch. “Is that what this is about? Your jealousy? Christ, Caroline.”

  She could speak in metaphorical shrugs. Use the most effective words to get her message across. Prove to him that she could hurt him even more than he could hurt her. “Hey, she’s young and nubile. And she’s sane too.”

  “You think that’s the only thing that matters to me, don’t you?”

  “It sure as hell used to be all that mattered.”

  “Before you. I never looked at another woman after I met you.”

  “Didn’t stop them from throwing themselves at you at every opportunity.”

  “And I never responded to their overtures. You know that. Do you think my fidelity was a figment of your imagination too?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, fuck you,” Jack said. “You’re the one who fucked around on me with Morton. Or have you forgotten that little detail?”

  Further proof she was a shit person – she had forgotten that ruse. He clearly had not. Funny how he could wound her solely by defending himself. “I didn’t – I thought you were dead,” Caroline said. “You know I’m alive.”

  “Even when I thought you were gone I never dreamed of being with someone else.” His anger faded. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe the real you is gone forever. Because the woman I married would never think I’d cheated on her. Or would cheat on her now. Why did you fix this?”

  She wanted him to start yelling again. Anything was better than the hurt she heard in his voice. “I was being nice,” she repeated.

  The words rang hollow and Jack scowled at her. What was wrong with her? She couldn’t make herself sound sincere even when she was telling the truth.

  “Do you know why I have this?” He waved the frame in the air. “It’s not like I didn’t have a million pictures to choose from. It was because this was how I wanted to remember you. And it disgusts me to see the way you are now. You’re an ugly woman, Caroline.”

  She stared at him. That was all she could do. The air whooshed out of the room and Caroline was left choking for breath. She tried to process what he had said. To imagine what he must have seen every time he looked at her. She had a choice. She could avoid mirrors, avoid giving a shit ab
out what she looked like. He didn’t have that option. Maybe that was why he could never look her in the eyes. She touched her face, felt the crooked bump of her nose, and Jack winced.

  “That wasn’t what I meant,” he said. “Shit.”

  She turned away, unable to look at him. She’d fall apart if she did. “You think I don’t know how I must look to you? To everyone? I don’t bear much resemblance to the woman in that photo, in any way. You should see the rest of my body.”

  He was moving toward her. She could feel it. And she couldn’t stand it. She should have shut up. She should have kept her damn mouth shut and gone to bed, content to keep living in whatever charade they’d created over the past week.

  “Sweetheart, please,” he said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

  The words hurt. His touch hurt. Her world hurt. “Don’t.” Her throat constricted as she withdrew from him. She felt like her chest had been cut open. “I know I’m not pretty,” she whispered.

  “Oh, Caroline. I shouldn’t have-” His voice was rough. “Don’t say that. Don’t think that. That wasn’t what I meant.”

  “And the alternative interpretation is better?”

  Jack sighed. “I guess not.”

  She stared at the floor. “Doesn’t matter. My mind is as messed up as my body. Maybe you should get out while there’s still time.”

  “I didn’t mean to say that,” he insisted. “It just came out. And it is absolutely not true.”

  Did he think she couldn’t see through that lie? “It was exactly what you meant. Weren’t you saying that we had to start being honest with one another? Message received.” Caroline tugged at the bottom of her shirt, careful to keep her eyes from drifting toward the scars on her wrists. “What’s that saying? About how what people do in the heat of the moment is what defines their character? I guess we know where we stand.”

  Jack wiped his eyes before letting his hand curl into a fist. “I can’t say the right thing to you, can I? I’m nice and you push me away. I try to apologize and you push me away. You’ve been slicing away at me for months and the one time I say something completely false and downright stupid, it’s the end of the world. I don’t know what I need to do for you, Caroline. Everything I do or say is wrong.” He looked at the picture frame longingly. “Maybe I should get out while I can. Is that what you want?”