Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5)

by Cecilia London

  “Certainly not. But you need to go back to work sometime. Aren’t your minions wondering where you are?”

  “You’ve been around long enough to know my advisors can function without me. Pretty well, I’d say. The media rollout of the records is our next big step. They’ve been coordinating since before we had that strategy meeting. They don’t need me there in order to do it.”

  “I don’t want you to feel like you have to spend every waking moment with me.”

  Jack pulled her closer. “Caroline, I want to spend every moment, waking or not, with you. I made it clear to my staff the instant you were released from the hospital that you, and only you, were my primary concern.”

  “You have to go back to work,” she insisted. “Soon.”

  Damn it, he knew they couldn’t hide away forever. Especially if she was going to be brought into the inner circle. But she deserved to relax, and time in bed fit the bill. Another day or two couldn’t hurt. “I will. But I can enjoy this for a little bit. Enjoy us. Right?”

  “I guess.”

  It wouldn’t hurt to see where she was at. “If I go back to work, you go too,” he pointed out. “Are you ready for that?”

  “I think so. I’m pain-free at this point. You going to restrict my activities?”

  “No comment,” Jack said, smiling. “But you need to gain some weight. I’ve been meaning to tell you that.”

  “I’m too skinny?”

  Shit. He hoped she wouldn’t take that comment the wrong way. Maybe he needed to explain better. “Yes. Of course I noticed when you got here but it wasn’t until-” He reddened. That was not the best way to start.

  She patted his hand. “It wasn’t an issue until you saw me naked, was it?” Her expression changed. “Is that a bad thing?”

  A hasty clarification was in order. “No,” he said. “You are beautiful. But I think you’d feel better if you were closer to your fighting weight.” He grinned. “Even if your relative lightness of being makes it easier for me to toss you around while we’re having all this sex you keep nitpicking about.”

  Caroline sighed. “I never thought I’d have to gain weight. I usually had the opposite problem.”

  “I can fix you more pancakes,” he offered.

  She kissed him lightly. “Or buy me more chocolate.” She paused again. “Does it bother you because it reminds you of what happened to me?”

  Sometimes her perceptiveness was more annoying than useful. Jack averted his eyes. “A little. I have to get used to it, I guess.”

  Caroline put her arms around him. “Please don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll start stuffing my face more often. I promise.”

  “And we’ll start talking more. Really talking. Does that sound like a plan?”

  “Absolutely.”

  He’d have to talk to her about logistics. About intelligence. About all the things that only his closest advisors knew. She deserved to hear it all. But in the meantime… “Let me do naughty things to you and I’ll make you breakfast.”

  “You make me breakfast anyway.”

  His hand slid down her thigh. “But this morning I’ll make it faster.”

  “And all I have to do is let you have your way with me?”

  “Depends. How fancy a breakfast do you want?”

  She closed her eyes as he tickled her legs. “French toast?”

  “You’ll have to do more than lay back and think of England for that one.”

  “What if I just want a bowl of cereal?”

  “Milk?”

  “Dry. I don’t even need a spoon. I can eat it with my hands like a classy lady.”

  He dove under the sheets. “Be quiet.”

  * * * * *

  Caroline didn’t mind the lack of sleep. She liked cuddling into her husband’s shoulder, listening to him laugh, taking the time to catch up on the silly conversations that once seemed so painful. But then reality would rear its ugly head and take over again. She couldn’t escape it no matter how hard she tried, even if the two of them had been constantly tangled up in sex and charm and catnaps. She’d stiffen at inopportune times, occasionally shy away after he kissed her, roll over and clench her pillow when the memories would be too much. Some things couldn’t be shared. Not yet. Jack was getting better at picking up on it, especially when they were both awake and coherent.

  He touched her shoulder. “You seem far away,” he whispered. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Not really. “I don’t know.”

  “Can you try?”

  She felt obligated to give him something. Caroline rested her head on his chest. “Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine we’re at home.”

  “We are home.”

  He could feed her breakfast in bed. Brew her tea. Give her mini foot massages as they relaxed on the couch. But it wasn’t quite the same. “No, we’re not. Not really.”

  “You don’t feel at home with me?”

  It sounded so lame for her to say it out loud. “I just – I miss it. Our house. Our bed.” Caroline sighed. “Maybe I am superficial.”

  Jack kissed her forehead. “I think about it too.”

  She knew he was right. That she had to remember the good times and not spend every waking moment repressing them. But it hurt so much when she did it. “I imagine us in that big bed in our house in Philadelphia. Together. And me the way I used to be. Without any scars.”

  He wrapped his arms around her. She had a feeling it would be a while before he let go. “I miss what we used to have too. But you need to start letting those memories make you happy. Let what we have now make you happy too.”

  “You do make me happy,” she said softly. “These past few days have been wonderful. I just-”

  I don’t just miss the house. I miss everything. Everyone. Mo. Feef.

  No, she couldn’t go there. Not yet. She’d managed to get to a decent place and if she let that whirlpool drag her under she’d never come up for air again.

  “There’s nothing you can do to wreck what we’ve gotten back,” Jack said. “We’ve come so far and we’re never going to that dark place again.”

  Even at her most taciturn he could read her better than anyone else. “I know. I just – I miss it. I miss it all.”

  “It’s normal to miss them,” he said softly.

  Of course he knew. He always knew. “I can’t talk about the girls. Not yet.”

  “I know. You’re allowed to miss things, sweetheart. And you’re allowed to have moments when you grieve, when you ache, when you wish for the past. But you’re allowed to be joyful too. You can’t survive without either one. The good or the bad. It’s all part of who you are.”

  She curled in closer. “Stop being logical.”

  He laughed. “That’s what I do best. Sometimes.”

  “So much has happened since then. I feel like a completely different person.” She rubbed her wrists. “I am a completely different person.”

  “Not as different as you think.” Jack kissed her cheek. “Your scars are proof that you healed. That your wounds aren’t permanent. That you conquered evil.”

  Those seemed like dismissive words coming from a man who had wept at her feet after seeing them for the first time. It was easier to pretend to let go than to actually do it. “I don’t like them,” Caroline mumbled.

  “I know you don’t. But they’re part of what makes you so beautiful to me.”

  She sat up and gave him a skeptical look.

  “I’m not kidding,” Jack said softly. “Someday everyone will know exactly what you endured to preserve your ideals and protect what we’re trying to do.” He closed his eyes. “They’re further proof that you’re a better person than you think you are.”

  She couldn’t stay away from him for long when he said things like that. Caroline nestled into his arms. “Have I told you lately what a good man you are?”

  Jack chuckled. “No. But you know how much I love to hear it.”

  She closed her eyes. He’d hate her abr
upt subject change but she wasn’t quite done pursuing the issue. “Do you think the house is still there?”

  He sighed. “I don’t know. Hopefully someday we can find out.”

  “I wonder if anything we had is left. We see the propaganda the government is passing off as news, but who knows how accurate it is?”

  “They’ve done their best to portray us as traitors. All of us, not just you. Maybe the records release will change that.”

  “It’s the biggest hope we have,” Caroline said. “I don’t want to resort to violence.”

  “Neither do I.” Jack laughed again. “Hell, you’d probably beat the crap out of half those men before they knew what hit them.”

  She’d done a good job of suppressing those tendencies and wanted to keep it that way. “Very funny.”

  There was a topic that had been on her mind, and things had been going so well that maybe it was time to address it. A dangerous move. There was a calculated risk in every conversation she started. Whether they’d be able to decompress afterward, attempting to function as a couple. Whether she should damn the torpedoes and accept the risk, knowing she could return to her safe space – how she felt when she was in his arms.

  “Can I ask you something?” Caroline said. “Something that might upset you?”

  “I guess so.”

  He didn’t sound too enthused, which was fair. A statement like that was bound to provoke a negative response. But she plowed ahead. “Promise me you won’t get angry. I don’t want to start an argument. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  He was preparing himself for a heated discussion. She’d make sure it didn’t come to that. “Why didn’t you pull me back from that mission?” she asked.

  Jack hesitated. “I don’t understand your question.”

  “You wanted to do it. You had the power to do it. I assume your advisors were telling you to do it. They wanted to pull me back themselves. So, why didn’t you?”

  “I-” He shifted away from her on the bed, sitting up. Oh, that wasn’t good. “Has that been bothering you?”

  It was one of the least of her concerns. But she definitely found it peculiar. “No,” she said. “I’m just trying to understand you better.”

  Jack laughed. “You haven’t figured me out yet?”

  She smiled. “You’re a predictably unpredictable enigma.”

  “Doesn’t that sound familiar.” He brought her back into his arms. “I wanted to. When you were about to get on that damn helicopter, I wanted to pull you back. Even if it meant locking you in my apartment until you came to whatever senses I thought you were missing.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  He clicked his teeth. “You’ve had so much taken from you, sweetheart. I didn’t want to strip your autonomy away too.”

  She didn’t know what to say to that. “Were you afraid I’d be mad at you?”

  Jack sighed heavily. “That may have been a consideration as well.” His arms tightened around her. “I wanted to remind you that you’re free. Free to live as you see fit, to make your own decisions. Even if they aren’t the choices I would make.”

  Caroline lifted her head up to look at him. “You did that knowing there was a chance I wouldn’t come back.”

  He closed his eyes. “It wasn’t the first time I let you go under those circumstances.”

  Like she could forget that. How silly of her to assume he had. “I know.”

  “It didn’t get any easier the second time around. It hurt like hell.”

  Just when she thought he couldn’t do anything else to surprise her, he’d throw her again. His unconditional love knew no bounds.

  “I wanted you to come back to me,” he whispered. “Voluntarily. And I wasn’t going to interfere in that process.”

  So much of what he’d done over those several days prior to the mission made sense. Too much sense. Caroline stroked his cheek. “You shouldn’t discount your own suffering, Jack. Your own sacrifices. You’ve had your own burdens to bear.”

  “They pale in comparison to yours.”

  “It’s not a contest.” She hugged herself to him. “You really are a very selfless, giving man. And you’re quite a good husband.”

  “I love you,” he said softly. “I tried to do what was right by you.” He kissed her again. “Do I get to ask you something too?”

  It was only fair. “Of course.”

  “It’s about the night you trashed the bedroom.”

  Oh. That. “Okay.”

  “Why didn’t you wake me up when you got back?”

  Why hadn’t she? She’d wanted to do it. Sat there for a good ten minutes thinking about it. But how-?

  He smiled slightly. “I wasn’t exactly asleep. I felt the blanket. Felt you kiss my forehead and tussle with my hair. And I just-” He cleared his throat. “I found it curious, that’s all.”

  “I wanted to,” Caroline whispered.

  “I know. You sat by the couch for the longest time.” He chuckled. “I had to sneeze.”

  “I wish you would have told me you were awake.”

  “So we could have avoided everything that happened the next night?”

  Seemed like a perfectly legitimate reason to her. “Yeah.”

  Jack shook his head. “No, that needed to happen so we could get to here. And here is good, right? Generally speaking.”

  “Generally speaking, yes.” Hell, if they were going to play the question game Caroline could go on all day. “So, Mr. Turnabout Is Fair Play, why did you leave my apartment that night after I kissed you? You could have stayed. And you probably could have talked me out of going on that mission.”

  “You weren’t ready. Even if you thought you were, you weren’t.”

  He rubbed the stubble on his chin. He needed to shave but they hadn’t really been all that concerned about such things over the past few days. And she liked feeling that scratchy pseudo-beard on certain parts of her body. But she was distracting herself.

  “Were you ready?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. I did know that if I didn’t leave, I’d start ripping your clothes off.”

  Caroline smiled. “I tried to rip off your shirt.”

  He leaned in to kiss her. “I remember. I had a very uncomfortable, very awkward walk back to my apartment, let me tell you.”

  She’d felt just how uncomfortable he was when he’d been pressed against her. “Sorry.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “I am. A little.” Caroline closed her eyes. “That was some kiss. Jesus.”

  “I got that bottle of baby oil out of the drawer as soon as I got back here.”

  He’d probably set some sort of record for jerking off. Maybe he’d reenact it if she asked nicely. “Pervert.”

  “Wanna get it out? I think you need a back massage.”

  “You want to give me a rubdown with your wanking lube?”

  “Does that turn you on?”

  “A little. No front massage?”

  He’d already taken the bottle out of the drawer and popped the top. “Turn over.”

  She rolled on her stomach. “Is this good?”

  He grinned, straddling her thighs. “Your ass looks great.”

  “Are compliments included in the full massage package?”

  He started rubbing the baby oil into her shoulders. “Indeed they are. And I’ll get to your front. All in good time.” Caroline buried her nose in the pillow and Jack brushed her hair back before switching to her neck. “You’re so tense,” he said. “We have to work on that.”

  He kneaded her upper back, working his way down, and Caroline moaned in appreciation.

  “You like that?” he asked.

  It wasn’t exactly a deep tissue massage but it was damn close. “You’re gonna put me to sleep if you keep doing that.”

  “That good?”

  She yawned. “Will you be here when I wake up?”

  Jack kissed her neck. “Always.” He paused. “I might be in the living room or
taking a shower, but I’d come back in here eventually. I have to finish off those cookies first.”

  Caroline giggled. “You’re silly.”

  “No,” he said. “I’m in love.”

  She liked how they could discuss the serious things and switch back to banter. An aspect of their relationship she’d missed. “Such a ladies’ man,” she whispered.

  Jack slid off her back and lay on his side facing her. “What did you miss most about us being together?”

  She drew little circles down his abdomen. “The way you touch me,” she said. “Feeling close to you. It’s hard to put into words.”

  He trailed his fingers down the curve of her ass. “I missed this.”

  How many days had they spent in bed? She wasn’t tired of it and neither was he. She spread her legs, ever so slightly. He’d get the hint. “Don’t stop,” she whispered.

  He rolled her over, pulling her up until her back was to his chest. “I love doing this to you,” he said, teasing her clit.

  Caroline leaned her head into his shoulder. “Keep going.”

  “I will. As long as you don’t stop, either.”

  He rocked against her, using his fingers to bring her to the edge, bringing one hand up to cover her mouth. She felt his cock against her ass and did her best to reach around and touch him.

  “You like that, don’t you?” he whispered. “It gets me so fucking hard when you let me do this to you.”

  They’d played around. Teased and toyed, coming close to crossing edgier sexual lines. But she’d missed that dominance in his voice. That complete confidence in what he was doing and who he was to her. She gritted her teeth as he bit her shoulder.

  “Come for me, baby,” Jack said softly. “You know you want to. You can pretend to be the good girl but we both know you’re filthy as hell. Find it and take it.”

  Caroline moaned against his hand, moving her hips in time with his rhythm.

  “That’s it,” he said. “You’re so beautiful like this.”

  Her remaining resistance gave way and she screamed. She could feel Jack grinning against her neck as he released his hand from her mouth, lowering it to her shoulders as she rode the wave.

  “Jack,” she whispered.

  He licked her neck. “Next time I use my tongue. And I don’t stop at one.”