Priestley Plays Four

by J. B. Priestley

  NINETTE: How doth my fair lord after so much hath befallen him?

  SAM: (Doing his best.) Fair gentlewoman – er – I am come to no harm but – er – am yet amazed –

  NINETTE: (Smiling.) Fair sir, sithen ye seek adventure, to win prowess, oft times must ye stand amazed.

  SAM: (Struggling with it.) Noble damsel – er – ye say sooth. Er – what name – er – ?

  NINETTE: Men calleth me Lady Ninette – and among my kindred are many great lords and noble ladies – (She curtsies, smilingly.)

  SAM: Fair Lady Ninette – men call me Sam – and the name of my family is Penty – and my kindred – to speak truth – are no great shakes –

  NINETTE: And you are no great shakes at that kind of dialogue, are you, Sam?

  SAM: (Relieved.) Oh – we needn’t keep it up? Good! By the way, Lady Ninette, as you were kind enough to ask me how I was feeling, I must confess I’m feeling very hungry.

  NINETTE: (Smiling.) I am sure you would be. (She goes to door she entered by and opens it. GRUMET and perhaps a page or attendant enter with food and more drink all in the Medieval style. She continues talking as they put it down.) I am hungry myself, Sam, for I waited for you, knowing you were coming. Wasn’t that nice of me?

  SAM: It was, Lady Ninette. I was about to say so.

  NINETTE: I’m afraid I hadn’t time to order anything very special.

  SAM: (Regarding the food with satisfaction.) No, please don’t apologise. This is a splendid lunch –

  NINETTE: (Haughtily to GRUMET and the other.) We’ll wait upon ourselves. Go!

  As they go, NINETTE and SAM settle down to eat and drink. There can be a good deal of little by-play here, which need not be indicated, though it must be remembered there are no forks, no plates only thick slices of bread, just sharp knives to cut with and fingers used. They are eating and drinking throughout dialogue that follows.

  SAM: (Hesitantly.) By the way – what – er – age are we in here?

  NINETTE: (Puzzled.) What age?

  SAM: Yes – age. Period. What king is reigning?

  NINETTE: Arthur is still High King –

  SAM: Oh – Arthurian age. Legendary really. Then I suppose everything is still in full swing – knights, enchanters, dragons, giants –

  NINETTE: (Rather surprised at this.) Naturally. The usual Arthurian way of life. Who rules your mythical kingdom, Sam?

  SAM: Nominally – a queen, Elizabeth the Second. Actually, the executive committees of the Conservative and Labour parties, the Trades Union Congress and the federation of British Industries –

  NINETTE interrupts him by laughing heartily.

  NINETTE: (As she recovers.) I’m sorry, Sam – but you must admit, now that you’re in real life, it all seems so absurd. Really, people will believe in anything. Now let’s be serious. I’m very anxious to know how Master Malgrim brought you here. I haven’t seen him since he asked me to be ready to receive you, Sam.

  SAM: We were through almost in a flash. I felt a bit dizzy of course – private bar of The Black Horse to a castle in Peradore in one move – and then I found that Malgrim had disappeared and with him a rather rum bloke, Captain Plunket, who’d insisted upon coming along. No idea where they are. You’re the first person I’ve had any talk with here, Lady Ninette.

  NINETTE: (Smiling seductively at him.) But rather a nice person, don’t you think, Sam?

  SAM: Delicious! (He hesitates.) But – er – something was said about a princess.

  NINETTE: (Disappointed in him.) Oh!

  SAM: Said the wrong thing, have I?

  NINETTE: (Reproachfully.) You’re not a snob, are you, Sam?

  SAM: (Apologetically.) Not in the least. But I understand from Malgrim that the girl I painted was a Princess Melicent, and – well, you know how it is, Lady Ninette – that’s the one I’m looking for.

  NINETTE: (Looking very grand.) Is she fairer in your sight than I am?

  SAM: (Hastily.) No, not at all. As a matter of fact I’ve never seen her as clearly as I’m seeing you – and you’re certainly a devastatingly seductive piece – I beg your pardon –

  NINETTE: Not at all. I like it. More wine, Sam. (She fills his tankard.)

  SAM: (Who is drinking incautiously.) Thank you, Ninette. You’re both adorable girls, I see that – different types, that’s all – but it’s Princess Melicent I’m trying to find.

  NINETTE: She’s a ninny.

  SAM: Perhaps I need a ninny. (He drinks heartily, then grins at her.)

  NINETTE: Now I’m intelligent and rather wicked. (Pauses, perhaps drinks.) Do you know the Macbeths?

  SAM: I know of them of course.

  NINETTE: I’ve a cousin in Scotland who knows them very well. A few years ago, the Macbeths were nothing – just Army people. Look at them now, ruling Scotland. All her doing – she has the brains – the determination –

  SAM: (Grimly.) You wait!

  NINETTE: Well of course you couldn’t give me Scotland. But here too it’s the clever and rather wicked women who have all the fun. Look at Morgan le fay, Guenevere, Nimue, Etarre, the Queen of Orkney. It’s only clever women and enchanters who can plot.

  SAM: In our world we don’t need wicked plots any more – we can do ourselves in with Science and Progress. But tell me about the enchanter situation here – I’m not very clear about it –

  NINETTE: Oh – it’s rather fascinating really. There are two enchanters – Malgrim, the one I’m working with – and his old uncle, Marlagram. Now Marlagram outwitted Malgrim, and took Melicent to find you.

  SAM: Oh – I say!

  NINETTE: But then Malgrim, who’s terribly clever, outwitted his uncle by bringing you here before poor Melicent could find you. And now you’re here – but she’s there –

  SAM: (Indignantly.) And we’re still separated – but now we’re both in the wrong worlds. I call that a bit much –

  Herald, as in Scene 1, enters R..

  HERALD: His Royal Majesty – King Meliot of Peradore – High Lord of Bergamore and Parlot – Overlord of Lancington, Low Moss and Three Bridges!

  Trumpet sounds off R.. KING, dressed as before, enters, followed or preceded by two soldiers, and MALGRIM, in his original costume.

  KING: (Who is in a bad mood.) What’s happening here? Who’s this fella? (Indicating Sam.) No, tell me later. Point is – where’s our dwarf?

  NINETTE: He’s here, sire. Brought back by Master Malgrim the enchanter –

  KING: Oh – that fella! Don’t trust him. Who’s this fella? (Indicating MALGRIM.)

  MALGRIM: I am Master Malgrim, sire.

  KING: Dam’ confusing this. Don’t think I won’t straighten it out. Now what about this fella? (He points and glares at SAM.) Not one of our subjects. Isn’t properly dressed. One of these fellas from Lyonesse or Cameliard – eh? Hasn’t had himself announced. No credentials. And being given a dam’ great lunch at our expense. (Going closer to table, he sees something and is furious.) That goose pasty is reserved for our Royal table. What the blue blazes is it doing here? Fella turns up – no credentials – not properly dressed – and our best wine’s poured into him – he’s given a blowout on our goose pasty – and who is he?

  MALGRIM: A dangerous young man, your majesty. He came seeking Princess Melicent. He’s the man she saw in my magic mirror – Sam.

  KING: Sam? She said he didn’t exist in real life. Character in mythology, legend, folklore, we understood. No, this can’t be the fella. What’s your name?

  SAM: Sam. And I am the fellow she meant. We’re in love. At least I hope so. I know I am.

  KING: (In a fury.) Stares us in the face – improperly dressed – full of our best pasty – and now tells us he’s in love with our only daughter! By Cock and Bull – this makes our blood boil. (Calling loudly.) Melicent! Melicent! (To NINETTE.) Where is she?

  NINETTE: She’s looking for him – Sam.

  KING: (Angrily.) Looking for him! Then tell her from us where she’ll find him. In our deepest dungeon. Take hi
m away, you men. (As they take SAM away, struggling.) Knock him senseless if he tries to escape. (As they go out, KING looks around and then grabs the pasty.) There’s going to be a devil of a row too about this goose pasty. You’ve not heard the last of this, young woman. But you’ve seen the last of it. (As he goes out R. the KING takes a large bite out of the pasty.)

  NINETTE: (Sitting down.) Well, that takes care of Sam – deepest dungeon. But what about Melicent?

  MALGRIM: (Also sitting.) Oh – it’s all rather neat. She’s still in Sam’s world – and very soon they’re putting her on the air –

  NINETTE: Putting her on the air?

  MALGRIM: (Carelessly.) It’s a form of enchantment they have there – drab stuff – my uncle and I wouldn’t put our names to such a miserable effort – Well now, what about a glass of wine – while Sam goes down to the dungeon – and Melicent goes on the air – eh?

  As they laugh and fill leather tankards, lights begin to fade and we hear modern music.

  SCENE SEVEN

  A television studio. In a row, not straight but bent inward, from R. to L. are seated MRS SHINY, PHILIP SPENCER-SMITH, MELICENT (still in Medieval costume), and TED GIZZARD. MRS SHINY (who can be played by the actress playing the BARMAID) is a foolish middle-aged woman with an affected manner. TED GIZZARD (who can be played either by the actor playing DIMMOCK or JARVIE-JARVIS) is a slow, pompous middle-aged man. Scene opens with a very hard front light coming on, to suggest TV lighting.

  PHILIP: (In usual TV compere manner.) Good-afternoon – and welcome once again to our Women Can Take It programme! On my right – an old favourite on this programme – is Mrs Shiny, president of the English Housewives Guild – who might be called our Housewives’ Choice. Over on my left here – another old favourite – and a well-known figure in the Trade Union Movement – Ted Gizzard, General Secretary of the Copper Scaling and Brass Layabouts Union. And next to me – a charming newcomer to our programme – now enjoying a successful career as a model in London – Princess Melicent –

  MELICENT: (Coming in firmly.) I only came to find Sam. Where is he?

  PHILIP: (Hurriedly.) Yes, yes – that’s very very interesting – but we’ll come to it later. Now – Mrs Shiny – first question to you. A regular viewer asks us this – what new opportunities should be given to women? Mrs Shiny?

  MRS SHINY: (With fatuous self-importance.) I speak as a housewife – because as you know, I’m president of the English Housewives Guild, the largest and most influential association of housewives in the country. And speaking as a housewife, I would say that every possible new opportunity ought to be offered to women, especially in their capacity as housewives.

  PHILIP: Thank you very much, Mrs Shiny. Ted Gizzard?

  GIZZARD: (Slow and pompous.) Without committing myself beyond further disputation, I think I might reply to that particular question, without prejudice of course, but venturing to speak not only for Copper Scaling and Brass Layabouts but also for the whole consolidated Trade Union Movement as it is constituted today – I would say Yes and No – Perhaps and Perhaps Not – having regard to the fact that circumstances alter cases –

  PHILIP: Thank you very much, Ted Gizzard. Now, Princess Melicent, what new opportunities do you want?

  MELICENT: (Firmly.) I want Sam.

  PHILIP: You mean that Sam’ll provide the new opportunities, Melicent?

  MELICENT: (Severely.) Don’t call me Melicent – you’re not one of my friends –

  MRS SHINY: Speaking as a housewife – and as the president of –

  MELICENT: (Cutting in, sharply.) Don’t interrupt –

  MRS SHINY: (Indignantly.) Well – really – I must say –

  MELICENT: Remember – you’re a housewife – not a fishwife. Now – as soon as I can find Sam –

  GIZZARD: (Not so slow this time.) Point of order, Mr Chairman! In my opinion the item on the agenda does not call for the substitution of the particular for the general, the personal for the impersonal –

  MRS SHINY: Quite right. We didn’t come here to talk about Sam – whoever Sam may be –

  MELICENT: I saw him – not here but in real life – in a magic mirror. It was lent to me by Master Malgrim, the enchanter, though it was his uncle Master Marlagram the old enchanter, who brought me here –

  MRS SHINY: (Indignantly.) Really – I must protest – as a housewife –

  MARLAGRAM’s characteristic he-he-he! can be distinctly heard.

  MELICENT: You see – he’s here – and he’s laughing at you –

  PHILIP: (Desperately trying to save the situation.) He is, is he? That’s very very interesting. And what are your impressions so far of London, Princess Melicent?

  MELICENT: I don’t understand it. If it isn’t real – and you’ve all made it up – why have you made it so horribly ugly and noisy – why do so many people look so anxious or angry or sad? Unless of course it’s all an evil enchantment –

  GIZZARD: A what? I didn’t catch.

  MELICENT: An evil enchantment.

  GIZZARD: I’ve spent thirty years in the Trade Union Movement –

  MELICENT: (Cutting in.) Oh – be quiet! (Calling.) Master Marlagram – where’s Sam?

  MARLAGRAM: (Off, very distinctly.) He-he-he! He’s in the castle dungeon –

  MELICENT: (Alarmed.) In the dungeon? Take me to him. Where can I find you?

  MARLAGRAM: Private bar of The Black Horse – he-he-he! – about half-past five – he-he-he! (His chuckle dies away.)

  PHILIP: (Desperately echoing it.) He-he-he! Very very interesting – and we do wish them all the best of luck. Well now – the next question comes from a regular viewer in Surbiton, who wants to know – Will there be more women than men in the near future – and if so – how? Mrs Shiny?

  MRS SHINY: Speaking as a housewife – and as the representative of many thousands of responsible English housewives – who are all deeply concerned about the near future – I would say Possibly and Possibly Not – but that it’s very difficult to say exactly how. Don’t you agree, Mr Gizzard?

  GIZZARD: I do to a limited extent, and I don’t to a much less limited and larger extent. We in the Trade Union Movement –

  But the light, which has begun fading – the voices fading with it – with Philip’s question, has now gone. MELICENT, after receiving MARLAGRAM’s answer to her question, has leant back in her chair, closed her eyes, and clearly lost all interest in these idiotic proceedings. As the light and voices fade, faint sad lute music can also be distantly heard.

  SCENE EIGHT

  Dungeon in the castle. We see SAM, who is wearing enormous chains and manacles. After a few moments two soldiers come in, one carrying a large loaf, the other a jar.

  FIRST SOLDIER: (Putting down loaf.) Bread.

  SECOND SOLDIER: (Putting down jar.) Water.

  They laugh together.

  A LOUD VOICE: (Off, beyond door.) Make way for Sir Skip – the new captain of the King’s Guard.

  The two SOLDIERS stand to attention. CAPT. PLUNKET, though not recognisable yet, comes clanking down, completely clad in armour, with closed visor, carrying an enormous sword.

  CAPT. P.: (To the soldiers.) Go wait without.

  FIRST SOLDIER: Without what, Captain? (Both SOLDIERS laugh heartily.) Not bad – eh – Ted?

  SECOND SOLDIER: (Still laughing.) I don’t know how you think of ’em, Jack.

  CAPT. P.: (In terrible voice, raising his sword.) Didn’t I give you an order – you pig-faced, muddy-livered, bag-pudding sons of seacows. Do I have to slice off your ears, twist your noses off, chop your thumbs into mincemeat?

  SOLDIERS: (As they go hurriedly.) Nay, nay, Captain.

  They hurry out. Capt. P. now sits down – there are things to sit on, perhaps roughly shaped out of stone – close to SAM, who is looking dejected. CAPT. P who is very hot and breathless, takes off his helmet.

  CAPT. P.: Hellishly hot, this armour, old boy.

  SAM: (Astonished.) Captain Plunket!

  CAPT. P.: The
old Skipper himself. I have ’em shouting ‘Make way for Sir Skip!’ – you must have heard it.

  SAM: Yes. But are you the new captain of the King’s Guard?

  CAPT. P.: For the time being, old boy. Had to do some fast talking – and this was the best I could do.

  SAM: Look what I talked myself into.

  CAPT. P.: (Sympathetically.) I know, Sam old boy. After the daughter aren’t you? Always tricky. Ever tell you what happened to me in Tetuan? Give you the whole story sometime. Not much of a place this, is it? (Indicating dungeon.)

  SAM: (Bitterly indignant.) Not much of a place!

  CAPT. P.: I’ve been in worse, old boy. Twelve of us, once, in a cellar smaller than this. But don’t worry, Sam. I’ll have you out of this soon. I’m having supper with this King Meliot tonight – and then I can work something for you, old boy. Ten to one he’ll be plastered –

  SAM: And a hundred to one you’ll be plastered too, Skipper.

  CAPT. P.: Strictly speaking, I’ve been plastered ever since the Battle of Jutland. So I can take care of the king, old boy. We’re very thick already.

  SAM: How did you work it? Why didn’t he denounce you for not being properly dressed?

  CAPT. P.: Because I pinched some armour first, old boy. Then he asked me if I came from Camelot, and I said ‘Yes’ I did. Had I brought him a message from King Arthur to say the meeting was off? So I said ‘Yes’ I had. He asked me how King Arthur was looking. And I said he was looking bronzed and fit and was laughing heartily. Then I recommended myself as Captain of the King’s Guard – a new idea to this King Meliot, who’s not a bad bloke though on the mean side, I’d say. Dead against you for eating his favourite pasty, he tells me. Not many perks on this job yet but of course I haven’t got going. By the way, old boy, d’you know a fellow called Dimmock, advertising man?

  SAM: Yes, he’s my boss. What about him?

  CAPT. P.: He’s here, old boy.