Nineteen Letters

by Jodi Perry

  The next morning after breakfast we headed into town.

  ‘Do I really have to go through with this?’

  ‘Yes, you do.’ I heard the tailor snicker when you said that.

  ‘It seems like I’m going to an awful lot of trouble to just stand around and have a miserable time.’

  ‘You’re not going to stand around, mister. You’re going to dance and have a wonderful time.’

  ‘I’m not dancing.’

  ‘Yes, you are.’

  ‘I’ll look pretty silly dancing on my own.’

  ‘You’re not going on your own, you can dance with your date.’ This was news to me. ‘It’s your school formal. One you’ll look back on in years to come with fond memories.’

  ‘No, I won’t. I’ll look back and curse you for making me go.’

  When the fitting was finished, I paid my deposit and was told I could pick the tux up on the Wednesday before the formal.

  I was thankful that you didn’t mention it for the rest of the weekend, but the following Tuesday, you sought me out at lunchtime. ‘I compiled this list for you,’ you said, handing it to me.

  I looked down and saw a list of names. All girls from my year. I didn’t even need to ask, I already had a fair idea what this was about.

  ‘I asked around and none of these girls has a date for the formal.’

  ‘I told you I don’t want to go with anyone.’

  I shoved the list back into your hands, but you promptly thrust it straight back into mine. ‘You have to take a date. You’re going to look silly turning up on your own. All your mates have dates.’

  ‘I don’t care if I look silly.’

  ‘Come on, Braxton, humour me here, will you?’

  I blew out an exasperated breath before scrunching the list up and shoving it into my pocket. ‘I’ll think about it.’

  For the next two days you pestered me to the point where I ended up asking Samantha Murphy. It turned out to be a huge mistake. Not only did she squeal when I asked her, she followed me around like a lost puppy for the next week and a half. She sat next to me in class, and became my permanent shadow at recess and lunch. She somehow even got hold of my phone number. All I will say is, thank god for caller ID.

  The day of the formal, my father closed the shop early—which was a rarity—so he could be home in time to see me before I left. He was also lending me his car for the night. I couldn’t really expect Samantha to catch a bus with me to the formal, and it’s not like my father had the money for me to hire a fancy car like some of my mates had.

  When I was ready I stood in front of the mirror, and was surprised by how good I actually looked in my tux. Dressing up like this was something I didn’t do often. Actually, my mum’s funeral, and your thirteenth birthday were the only other times I’d worn a suit.

  ‘You look great, son,’ my father said when I headed downstairs.

  ‘My boy is now a man. Where has all this time gone? It feels like only yesterday I was bouncing you on my knee.’ I was taken aback when he pulled me into a crushing hug. ‘I’m so proud of you, and if your mother was here she would be too.’

  ‘Thanks, Pop,’ was all the reply I could manage.

  When my father finally drew back, he turned his face away from me and wiped his eyes. My dad never showed his emotions, and my heart hurt for him as I swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump that had now formed in my throat.

  ‘I called into the florist on my way home to get this for you.’ He turned and picked up a clear plastic display box from the side table. There was a small white flower arrangement inside. ‘It’s a corsage for your date. I don’t know what colour her dress is, so I went with white to be safe. I bought one for your mother when we went to our school formal.’

  ‘Thanks, Pop,’ I said again.

  ‘I also wanted to give you this.’ He then pulled a cheque out of his back pocket and handed it to me.

  ‘What’s this?’ I looked down and had to blink a few times when I saw all those zeros.

  ‘It’s to pay your university fees.’

  ‘You can’t afford this kind of money.’ I extended it back towards him. ‘I can’t take this from you.’

  ‘You can accept this, and you will,’ he said, pushing my hand away. ‘Your mother and I used to put a few dollars away each week for your education, but then …’ His words drifted off, but I knew what he was going to say. ‘I ended up having to use that money for her funeral.’ My gaze moved down to the carpet, and the lump in the back of my throat grew bigger. ‘Life can be unfair sometimes, son, but you just make the best of what you’ve got.’

  ‘But this is money you don’t have.’

  ‘I took a small mortgage out on the store. I don’t want you to start your adult life with a huge student loan hanging over your head.’

  ‘Pop …’

  ‘Please. It would mean a lot to me if you’d accept this. I want you to have all the opportunities I didn’t. I want you to do something you’re passionate about, and have a successful career, a career you love. Be somebody, son … be the man you were destined to be.’

  I sighed deeply before nodding my head. ‘I won’t let you down, Pop. I’m going to be the best damn architect this town has ever seen.’

  ‘That’s my boy,’ he said, patting my shoulder.

  I only agreed to take the money because I knew how much it meant to him, but I felt horrible doing it. It was something that would weigh heavily on my mind for a long time to come. I knew how hard things were for him, and this extra loan to pay off would only make things even harder.

  ‘I took the car through a car wash earlier today so she was clean for you,’ he added, grabbing the keys off the small table by the door and handing them to me. ‘Let me just get the camera. I’d like to take a few photos of you before you leave.’

  I pulled out my phone and sent you a text; I didn’t want to go without seeing you. You’d been a little distant with me the past few days, which concerned me, but I thought you might have come over to see me before I left.

  My father got me to stand in front of the large green bush in the front yard while he snapped a few pictures. I kept looking down at my phone, but you still hadn’t replied. As I was about to say goodbye to Pop, your reply came through—and my heart sank. You were busy, you said, and couldn’t come outside. It was unlike you, and as I drove to Samantha’s house I replayed the past few days in my mind. I knew that you must have been upset with me, because you’d never acted like that towards me before. Maybe I was clueless, but I had no idea what I’d done wrong.

  At the dance I forced out a smile and pretended I was having a great time, but the truth was I was miserable. All I could think about was you.

  While Samantha was on the dance floor with her friends, I ducked out for some fresh air. The first thing I did was pull out my phone to see if you had sent me any messages. You hadn’t. Leaning up against a brick wall, I closed my eyes and sighed.

  ‘Braxton.’

  My eyes sprang open when I heard my name. Standing a few metres away, like some beautiful apparition, was you. You were casually dressed in a pair of jeans and a white jumper. Your attire was in stark contrast to the ball gowns the other girls were wearing inside, but I remember thinking how beautiful you looked.

  ‘Jem. What are you doing here?’ Pushing off the wall, I closed the distance between us.

  ‘I wanted to apologise for the way I’ve been acting these past few days.’

  ‘You should’ve just texted me. How did you even get here?’

  ‘I caught a bus.’

  ‘In the dark … by yourself.’

  ‘I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I saw you. I had to come.’ You sighed as your gaze moved down to the ground.

  ‘What’s going on, Jem?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ you replied, shrugging your shoulders.

  ‘Hey.’ I placed my finger under your chin, lifting your face to mine. The last thing I expected was to see tears in your
eyes. ‘Talk to me.’

  My mind swam as I tried to make sense of all this. I knew that things were changing for us, with me going away to uni, but this seemed like something more.

  ‘I heard Samantha tell some of the girls at school that she was going to have sex with you after the formal.’

  ‘What?’ That was so ridiculous I almost laughed. I hadn’t even planned on kissing her.

  Before you got a chance to say anything else, Samantha appeared at my side. ‘Braxton,’ she said, linking her arm with mine, ‘are you coming back in?’

  My attention was still focused on you, but yours was now on her. The look you were giving her confused me. Was it possible you were jealous?

  ‘I shouldn’t have come,’ you said as your eyes moved back to me. ‘Enjoy the rest of your night.’

  Samantha tugged on my arm, but I gently shrugged her away. There was no way I was going to let you get back on a bus alone at that time of night.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said to Samantha. ‘I need to go after her.’ She looked sad as she turned and walked back inside. I felt bad that I had ruined her night, but my first priority was, and always will be, you.

  ‘Jemma, wait.’

  I needed to know why you were so upset about this. I grabbed hold of your arm, pulling you to a stop. When you swung around to face me, tears were streaming down your face.

  ‘Leave me alone.’

  ‘No, I want to know why you’re so upset about what Samantha said.’

  ‘Because.’

  ‘Because why?’

  ‘Because I don’t want you to have sex with her.’ You reached out, pushing me in the chest.

  ‘Enough,’ I said, grabbing hold of both of your wrists. ‘Talk to me, Jem. Help me understand, because I have no idea what’s going on.’

  There was a pained look on your face when you finally confessed. ‘I thought I was okay with you bringing a date tonight … turns out I’m not. I don’t want to lose you to her … to anybody.’

  ‘You’re never going to lose me. Never. You’ll always be my best friend.’

  ‘Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be just friends anymore,’ you whispered. ‘I want to be the person you dance with, the one you kiss … the one you have sex with.’

  I could only stare at you, not quite believing your words. You were everything I had ever wanted, and all I could manage was: ‘What?’

  ‘I’m in love with you, Braxton. Not just friend love. Love, love. I think I have been for years, I just didn’t know it. When I heard Samantha say she was going to have sex with you, I honestly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stand the thought of you being with anyone but me.’

  I stood there for the longest time. I so wanted it to be true but I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing.

  ‘Say something,’ you pleaded as your eyes scanned my face.

  But suddenly everything clicked into place. I knew that this was no time for words, it was time for action. I was about to do something I’d wanted to do for years.

  I cupped your face in my hands and tilted your head back slightly, placing my lips against yours. I can’t tell you how many times I’d stared at your beautiful lips over the years and wondered what they would taste like.

  They tasted sweet, like honey, just like I knew they would.

  I finally drew back, resting my forehead against yours. ‘Wow,’ I heard you whisper, and even though I think I was still in shock that we’d actually just kissed, a huge smile exploded onto my face—and I saw it reflected in yours.

  ‘Do you want to get out of here?’

  ‘What about the formal?’

  ‘I didn’t want to come anyway, remember? You made me.’

  My hands were still cupping your face, and yours were resting on my hips. ‘Next time I try to make you do something you don’t want to do, ignore me.’

  ‘I’ll hold you to that.’

  You linked your arm through mine and rested your head on my shoulder as we walked towards my father’s car. I’ll admit that there was a small part of me that was worried this was going to ruin our friendship, but I was willing to take a chance on love, because you were all I had ever wanted.

  ‘I’m not ready to go home yet,’ you said as we pulled out of the car park. ‘Can we just drive around for a while?’

  We ended up driving to the lookout. As kids we’d ride our bikes up there, but it was the first time we’d ever been there at night.

  ‘Wow, the city looks so beautiful all lit up,’ you said.

  ‘It does.’ But all I could think was that it didn’t look half as beautiful as you.

  I reached across the centre console for your hand, lacing our fingers together. ‘Are you sure this is what you want?’

  ‘A hundred per cent,’ you answered. ‘And you?’

  ‘A hundred and fifty per cent.’

  You were smiling as your body gravitated towards mine. ‘Kiss me again.’

  You didn’t need to ask me twice.

  When we finally came up for air, I reached over, flicking through the radio stations.

  ‘Oh, this one, leave this on,’ you said. ‘Love song dedications.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s where people ring up on a Friday or Saturday night and dedicate a song to the person they love. I listen to it all the time.’ You slapped my arm when I laughed at you. ‘It’s really sweet.’

  I opened my door and climbed out of the car.

  ‘Where are you going?’ you asked.

  I didn’t reply.

  Walking around the front of the car, I moved towards your side. I opened the door and extended my hand to you. ‘Dance with me, Jem.’ You looked at me like I’d lost my mind. ‘You said you wanted to be the one I danced with, so let’s dance.’

  I slid my arms around your waist, and you wrapped yours around my neck. The song that was playing soon came to an end, but neither of us let go.

  ‘I want to dedicate this next song to the love of my life,’ a man’s voice said over the radio. ‘We’ve been best friends since we were kids, and in a few short weeks she’ll become my wife. I know she’s listening tonight, and I just want to say, I love you, Boo-Boo.’

  ‘This could be our song too,’ you said. ‘Apart from the getting married part, they sound exactly like us’.

  ‘I need to hear the words first,’ I replied.

  The song was called, ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’.

  And you were right, it was the perfect song for us.

  I drop my arms, resting the letter in my lap. I can’t believe that was the same song we danced to last night. It touched something deep inside me when I heard it, and now I know why.

  Your body moved slowly against mine as our lips connected. When I started to get a sensation down below, I clenched my eyes shut. I knew what was about to happen, but no matter how hard I tried to stop my body reacting to you, there was no use.

  I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole, and I prayed you wouldn’t notice. But even I knew that was impossible; our bodies were pressed tightly against each other.

  A few seconds later you pulled out of the kiss and gazed up at me. I knew my face was as red as a beetroot.

  ‘Is that a dagger in your pocket, Mr Spencer?’ You were supressing a smile as you spoke. ‘Or are you just pleased to see me?’

  I buried my face into the crook of your neck as humiliation consumed me. ‘No, it’s a torch.’ It was the first thing that came to mind. ‘You never know when you’re going to need one. I learned to always be prepared when I was a boy scout.’

  You tossed your head back and laughed. ‘You were never a boy scout.’

  I pulled away from you, mortified. I’d never experienced anything like this before—you were the first person I’d ever held like that, the first person I’d ever kissed.

  ‘It’s getting late, I should get you home.’

  ‘Braxton.’ You reached for me when I turned and started heading back to the car. �
�Don’t walk away from me.’

  ‘Just drop it, Jem.’

  ‘Please.’ You slid your arms around my waist from behind, halting me. I let out a sigh when you rested the side of your face against my back. ‘It’s a natural reaction. I’m sorry for laughing. I actually like that it was me who did that to you.’ I inhaled a sharp breath when your hand moved down below my waist.

  I liked this brazen side of you.

  ‘You do?’ I asked, turning in your arms to face you.

  ‘Yes.’ You manoeuvred your arms around my neck. ‘You make me feel like that too, but unlike you, I don’t have a torch to prove it. They don’t teach you those kinds of things in the girl guides.’

  This time I laughed. Leaning forward, I planted a soft kiss on your nose. You always knew the right thing to say to make me feel better.

  ‘This is a learning curve for us both, but you’re the only person I want to experience this with, Jem.’

  You smiled, and suddenly everything was perfect again. ‘Great, now that we’ve got that sorted, we need to finish our first dance. Our song isn’t over yet.’

  And that’s exactly what we did. A few minutes later the heavens opened up, but even that wasn’t enough to pull us apart. We were just content being in each other’s arms despite the fact that we were getting soaked.

  When your body started to shiver, I bundled you into the car.

  ‘I need to get you home and into some dry clothes. I can’t have my girlfriend getting sick.’ I winked at you as I closed the passenger door before running around to the driver’s side.

  We were both drenched, but I was more concerned about you than me. Grabbing my suit jacket off the back of my seat, I draped it over you, before cranking the heater up to high.

  You placed your hand on my leg, which made me smile. I still couldn’t believe this was actually happening. Yesterday we were best friends, but now we were so much more than that.

  ‘Am I really your girlfriend now?’ You were beaming as you spoke.

  ‘I hope so. I let you feel my torch, remember? I don’t let just anyone feel my torch.’

  You pushed your head back into the seat and laughed. ‘That’s right, you did. And I sincerely hope that you don’t go around letting just anyone feel your torch, especially now that you’re my boyfriend.’