Awakened

by Shey Stahl

  “I know I messaged you. And I did want to hook up. I’m just saying that I don’t know how to handle this. I never went into this intending to fall for anyone but Josh.” His words didn’t make sense but then again, I wasn’t sure I understood a lot of what he said. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  His expression offered no apologies.

  When I didn’t say anything more, he grew angry.

  “You never meant to hurt me?” he shot back, his glare so heavy when he looked at me like that, it made me feel like that stare was no longer a wishing well; instead, it was the deepest scariest parts of the universe we didn’t know. We had no idea what it was capable of or the secrets it held. “Me?” Letting go of the railing, he pointed his finger at his heaving chest. “Who said I ever gave a damn anyway? It was just pussy.”

  That hurt.

  No…that fucking burned like a torch on blistered skin.

  I closed my eyes hoping he was done. I wasn’t sure I could handle another remark like that. His harshness overwhelming and constricting, I thought my heart would burst into a million pieces before him.

  No. He was far from that. He wasn’t done breaking my heart.

  “Goddamn it, Logan! I was fine.” He threw his hands up and then let them fall, like our hearts. Soaring high and then crashing into the darkest of waters. “I was perfectly fine with my life and now you… Why? Why did you have to go and… I can’t believe this bullshit!”

  It was important to be careful with your words. You had to because once they were said, you couldn’t take them back.

  You could only deal with the consequences of them.

  “Brevin, I didn’t—”

  His glare silenced me.

  “Didn’t what? Mean to lead me on? Did you really think this would work?”

  I wanted to tell him that I never meant to hurt him. Sleeping with him wasn’t about that. But in reality, I had no idea what sleeping with him was about. Just that it happened and I wouldn’t take it back. Even with his callousness now, I still wouldn’t take back anything that happened.

  His lips curved at the corners, but his smile definitely wasn’t one of amusement. He was pissed.

  When his gaze returned to me, he said nothing, at least not with words for a moment.

  Finally, he spoke. “Is it him or me?”

  “What?” My breath blew out with my words, seen as a cloud in the chill of the night.

  “Make a decision.” His eyes shifted my way briefly, and then away toward the water and the boats in the marina. “I’m not playing this game anymore. Do you want him or me?”

  “Don’t do that, Brevin.” I shook my head, tears slipping over my heated cheeks. “You understood going into this I was with Josh.”

  Stepping forward so his body was pressed to mine, he lowered his mouth to my ear. “You think he loves you.” He pulled back and looked at me, waiting. “But all he cares about is watching people degrade you. He gets off on watching other men fuck you. It’s sad, really, because you think he loves you and that he’s doing it because of that. It has nothing to do with it.”

  My head snapped up, horrified by his words as my heart sank. I gasped, feeling the blood rushing, and the thumping of my heart with each word. I couldn’t deny that his words stung deep inside of me.

  I had met Josh and Brevin within days of each other, and both of them brought something different to my life. So how would I ever chose between the two, when I didn’t want to?

  Unfortunately, Josh didn’t exactly know the extent of my feelings with Brevin.

  And Brevin, well, he wasn’t willing to be the other man. He made it known he had feelings and wanted me to choose.

  The moment Josh walked through the door, something was off with him. In fact. Something was different when he returned from his last business trip.

  Now, just days after New Year’s Eve, he wanted me to look for a new guy.

  “Him.” Josh pointed to the profile to the left on my hot list.

  Fuck. Just fucking fuck!

  “Him who?” My heart raced. Brevin’s name was on my hot list and there for him to choose from.

  “That guy. wakes22.”

  Wakes22. Brevin.

  He wanted me to meet up with Brevin.

  My Brevin.

  The one I fucked three times in one night while he was out of town.

  Without him.

  When Josh walked away and into the kitchen, I messaged Brevin.

  Cutiewitbootie: Fuck. Josh wants me to contact you to see if you want to hook up.

  wakes22: What did you say?

  Cutiewitbootie: I said ok. What was I going to say?

  wakes22: I don’t know. But we have to or else he’ll know something. Right?

  My hands began to sweat as I typed slow strokes over each key.

  Cutiewitbootie: Yeah.

  wakes22: Ok.

  wakes22: When does he want to?

  Cutiewitbootie: Friday night at the Holiday Inn in Lacey.

  wakes22: K, I’ll be there.

  Closing the laptop, I knew I had to tell Josh that wakes22 was Brevin. Had he found out when we were at the hotel, that wouldn’t have been good.

  We were in the family room, watching television when I finally told him.

  “I messaged wakes22.”

  His gaze was intense, bringing the beer in his hand to his lips. “Oh yeah, what’d he say?”

  “He wants to meet.”

  Josh winked, the action didn’t match his expression and the repressing smirk. “Of course he does. Look at you. Any man would be crazy to pass it up.”

  “Wakes22 is Brevin. That kid who works for you,” I blurted the words out, a confession I never thought I’d give into.

  “Oh, yeah?” He had no outright reaction. None. Or maybe he’d just known a lot of people who’d been on that site that it didn’t surprise him?

  “Yes.”

  Josh breathed in deep, shrugging. “Whatever you want. If he’s someone you want, I just ask that I’m there.”

  Fuck. Just fucking fuck.

  “I…sure.”

  “Well then, set it up. Just remember my rules.”

  I swallowed, sitting back into the leather couch and pretending to be interested in the football coverage on ESPN. “You wouldn’t feel weird about your employee sleeping with your girlfriend?”

  He seemed to think about the words, flipped them around and then looked over at me, no emotion to his face. “You’re not sleeping with him. He’d be fucking you.” He turned back to the television. “And Jeb fucked you, and he works with me.”

  It was different and he knew it. But I was so afraid to push the issue because what if he found out?

  What would that mean?

  FRIDAY NIGHT, I was in a hotel room waiting for Brevin to show up.

  As soon as he saw Josh, Brevin’s eyes darted to him.

  Josh’s posture changed immediately and then tension seemed to radiate from him.

  They didn’t say anything, no formalities of an introduction.

  “Treat her with respect.” Josh went right for the specifics and explained the rules to him with an intense gaze. “Always wear a condom and if she tells you she doesn’t want it, stop immediately.”

  Brevin nodded, his eyes on the ground, as if he were unsure of what to make of this. Only he knew exactly what this was and what he was about to do.

  I could tell he was either nervous, or annoyed, when his eyes swept to me on the bed, naked and waiting.

  Usually, I would have worn some sexy lingerie.

  Brevin didn’t want me wearing anything. He hated lingerie because he claimed it covered up what he wanted to see.

  So there I lay, naked, waiting for Brevin to come over to me. Josh moved away to sit in the chair, slouching in that calm and collected way he had about him with the camera in his hand. His weight shifted in the chair, a dark pensive stare on me. Something about the softness behind the edge caught me off guard.

  Breathing in dee
ply, I knew he didn’t see what this was, what this always had been, my explorative innocence, my eagerness to please him, but now, what the hell was it?

  I had no answer.

  Brevin’s knees came in contact with the edge of the bed, his hands rising up over his sides to remove his t-shirt letting it fall to the side. My stare ran over his body, the ink, the way his chest was moving with every breath and his defined muscles flexing.

  With just his jeans on, his fingers trembled as he touched my inner thigh, playing a part, lying to himself and me. “What do you like?”

  He knew what I liked. It was him.

  Every guy I’d been with was different. Foreplay was different, some kissed a lot, some fondled, and some went straight for the good stuff. I’d been fucked, worshiped, felt as if I was the sexiest woman on the face of the planet.

  That night, on a snowy cold day in January in room 222, Brevin showed me something else entirely.

  Up on my knees with my ass in the air, facing the camera, I unbuttoned Brevin’s jeans and slowly unzipped them. Brevin’s eyes never left mine as his cock sprung free from his boxers and ready for me. Squeezing it gently, I ran my fist up and down his length, my other hand cupping the smoothness of his balls.

  I lowered my mouth, taking him in and he gasped, his pelvis moving at the motion, his hands falling and entangling in my hair. It was moments like this that I didn’t feel innocent any longer. I felt alive and in control, ready to give him pleasure, ready to make him as vulnerable as I felt all the time.

  As with before, he didn’t want my mouth on him for long and I knew it wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy it. The clear fluid around the tip of his cock confirmed he did.

  Drawing me up so we were both kneeling on the bed, Brevin put on the condom and then kissed me deeply and leisurely, like he didn’t want to rush a moment of this, which I knew Josh probably didn’t appreciate. His tongue danced with mine, confident sweeps, hands gripping skin and hair as we struggled to get closer.

  Watching Josh out of the corner of my eye, my lips on Brevin’s, kissing him slower than before, Josh’s jaw clenched, the muscles strained as his brow pulled together. He was swallowing hard and faster with each breath, his chest rising and falling rapidly. And looking closer, the hand he had bent and leaned on was trembling.

  Snapping my eyes closed, I brought my attention back to the man above me as he laid me back on the bed, his body covering mine.

  Brevin’s hands raised, cupping my cheeks to deepen the kiss, licking and teasing my swollen mouth.

  His eyes left mine for a moment, searching for words, and then returned.

  He looked vulnerable. And for a moment, I forgot about Josh and what was really happening here. I forgot and closed my eyes, wishing it was just Brevin and I and a different set of circumstances.

  “Don’t choose him,” Brevin whispered in a hushed plea, begging, so low, so full of regret that tears stung my eyes. “He doesn’t deserve you.”

  I looked up at him, the closeness allowing me to see the thick dark lashes that frame those dark eyes that would draw anyone in. I couldn’t say anything, the swell of emotion rising. Not only was he sending my body sailing with emotions and physical pleasure, I was having trouble understanding the emotions. It was like that first time when I was with Jeb, and then again when I watched Josh with Addison.

  My mind gave up and with a low moan of pleasure, my body gave in, curved, and Brevin’s tensed as he lazily brushed his lips over mine.

  “I can’t get enough of you.” His voice was low and raspy, my skin scorched with the dulcet feel of words delivered so precisely he knew what he was doing.

  I knew then, being with Brevin had opened my eyes to what I really wanted. I didn’t want this lifestyle any longer. The way he made me feel that was natural. I didn’t need anyone else. I didn’t need to perform and feel like I couldn’t satisfy Josh unless someone was watching.

  The entire experience was nothing like being with Reed or Jeb. It couldn’t be. Not with how I felt about Brevin.

  Just when I thought it was over and he’d come, Brevin had me on my knees, my face down on the mattress. His fingers moved over the swell of my ass, his thumb pressing on the hole to increase the pressure.

  “Can I?” he mouthed when I twisted to look at him, my head remaining on the pillow.

  Nodding, I wasn’t hesitating to give him this. Believe it or not, I hadn’t done anal in a very long time and never with Josh. It just hadn’t been brought up.

  Maybe Brevin knew it.

  By the reaction, the physical response I showed Brevin—and the way Josh shifted in the chair—Brevin knew I hadn’t given that part of myself to him.

  When Brevin slipped inside with no lube, just the wetness of my pussy coating him, Josh snapped his eyes from us to the wall, as if he couldn’t handle the image he was met with.

  The straining of the muscles in his chest evident by the way the cotton of his shirt stretched was an indication of his heaving breaths.

  His eyes never returned to us.

  Or maybe it was my eyes never returned to Josh?

  They couldn’t.

  Not with the deliberate movements Brevin made and the uncontrolled way my body reacted to them. Though he was gentle, the force in which his body controlled mine, I uncoiled multiple times for him, screaming out his name as I fisted the pillow my face was forced into by Brevin’s hold on me.

  With a grunt, Brevin slumped into me, releasing with a panting breath in my ear. His weight pressed forward, sedated, his heart hammering against my shoulder blades.

  Despite the moment, the watchful eyes beside us, I let myself believe there was more to this because I knew there was.

  And I think he did too when he kissed the shell of my ear, tenderly.

  Removing himself from me, Brevin sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from Josh, and tossed the condom in the trash can. Without words, he dressed quietly while I remained on the bed, unsure how to react.

  He left in a rush, saying nothing to Josh, or me when the door slammed behind him.

  As I neared tears from Brevin’s departure, Josh set the camera down and unbuttoned his jeans.

  I knew exactly what would happen next.

  He was going to fuck me and show me I belonged to him.

  But did I belong to him anymore?

  Did I ever?

  He was relentless, rough and downright callous with his touch and words. “You fuckin’ belong to me, Logan. Me!” He grunted, slamming into me, my face flat against the mattress. “Nothing will ever change that. Doesn’t matter how good they fuck you, they’ll never be better than me.”

  Josh wanted me to belong to him.

  He needed to believe I did, too.

  But the thing was, I didn’t believe that anymore, if ever.

  Josh also wanted to believe he was better than all these guys, could give me a pleasure they couldn’t.

  But was that true either?

  With the emotional responses my body had to Brevin, I wasn’t sure I could believe that.

  A short while later, we readied ourselves to go home. Josh was quiet, seeming reflective in his own thoughts as we left the hotel room.

  It threw me from the aggressiveness he displayed the moment Brevin left.

  Right then, my head and my heart were telling me very different things. I swallowed, searching for something, an answer maybe, but got nothing.

  Why was it that I felt so comfortable around Brevin but yet I had this attachment toward Josh I couldn’t let go of?

  Feeling so conflicted made me question whether or not I even loved Josh. Did I really see a future with someone like him?

  I’D NEVER SEEN one of the videos of me with anyone. From fear, maybe, I didn’t have the desire to watch them. And to this day, I’d never seen Josh watch them. If he had, I wasn’t aware of it.

  I awoke that night when I realized Josh hadn’t come to bed yet. The entire house had a chilled feeling, like the heat hadn’t kicked on
in a while. Wrapping the blankets around me a little tighter, I peeked at the time. I realized then it was three in the morning and I could see the pallid light streaming in from down the hall where Josh was in the office.

  As quietly as I could, I snuck down there to see that he was watching the video of Brevin and me. My heart sped immediately seeing myself on the laptop screen in front of Josh. On the desk, ten beer cans were lined up, two more on the floor, his hand holding one, the other on the mouse.

  Watching for a moment, trying to be as silent as possible, I realized Josh was replaying the part when Brevin kissed me and told me to choose him. There was a moment when mine and Brevin’s stare was intense and you could see the glistening in my eyes and the shake of Brevin’s fingertips as he brushed the tear away, trying to go unnoticed.

  I gasped, Josh knew.

  He had to.

  There was no other way.

  Cursing under his breath, Josh’s hand slammed down on the laptop and then sent it flying toward the wall. It hit with a deafening crash, plastic cracking against the wood floor. He stood, abruptly so and stared at the computer, breathing in deeply trying to control his mounting anger.

  With the noise, I backed away from the office and quickly returned to bed.

  Deep down, I knew when I agreed to being filmed and sleeping with other men, there was no way I could keep my emotions out of it. Sex for me had always been emotional.

  How could it not?

  SATURDAY MORNING AS I was getting ready for work, Josh was running late which left us getting ready at the same time. I noticed the cut on his knuckles and the laptop in the trash can in the kitchen.

  “What happened to your laptop?” I didn’t look at him as I spoke, rightfully fearful of his penetrating blues finding mine. Instead, I stared at my coffee cup, intently, examining the green Starbucks logo on the side.

  Josh never looked up from his own coffee. “Dropped it.”

  No you didn’t. Liar.

  Without another word, he reached for his keys and was out the door.