by K Webster
“No.” She shakes her head, sniveling loudly. “Don’t open the door. If you do, he’ll slip right through the cracks.” She rests her head against my chest and her entire body shakes as she cries. “I can’t let him in. I can’t handle him hurting me anymore.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket with a text, but I don’t answer it, telling myself it’s because I want to give Mia my full attention. But the truth is, I’m scared to check it. Right now, I’m focusing on Mia. Her hurt. Her anger. Her pain. And in doing so, I’m ignoring the myriad of feelings that are stirring in me and threatening to break free. If I check my text and it’s either of them, I have no doubt those feelings will erupt, and then I’ll have to deal with them.
My thoughts go back to earlier.
Ashton kissing Brayden…
Brayden kissing Ashton back…
If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t even believe it. Ashton kissing Brayden, sure. He’s an equal opportunist. But Brayden… my Brayden was kissing him back.
Just as the knocking and yelling stops, my phone vibrates again.
“It’s one of them,” Mia says, glancing up at me. Her glasses are removed and her eyes are red-rimmed. Her cheeks blotchy. She must’ve been wearing a little bit of mascara because it’s slightly smeared under her eyes. Her hair is up in a messy bun. She looks so damn sad.
“Probably.”
“How could he do this?” she asks, sitting up and crossing her legs, bringing them up to her chest like she’s trying to protect herself from the big bad world.
“Which one?” I raise a brow, and she releases a shaky breath.
“I was referring to Ashton, but I guess both of them.” She closes her eyes and swallows thickly. “How did this happen? How did we get here?”
Here meaning her being in love with her best friend and caring deeply about mine.
Here meaning me being in love with my best friend and caring deeply about hers.
Here meaning our best friends kissing, who, the last time I checked, hated each other.
“I don’t know,” I murmur, wishing I had the answers, but at the same time not wanting them.
My phone vibrates again, and Mia’s glassy eyes meet mine. “Maybe you should check it.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“I get it,” she agrees. “My heart… it hurts so much.” Fresh tears well up in her eyes and fall over, racing down her cheeks. “I love him, but I’ll never be enough.” Her body racks with fresh sobs as she covers her face with her hands. I pull her back toward me, wrapping my arms around her, hoping to comfort her.
“He loves you too,” I assure her. “He’s just so damn confused.”
I shouldn’t be defending Ashton, not after what I witnessed. But I can’t help the way I feel about him. I care about him, even when he does stupid shit like kiss my best friend. It’s who Ashton is. He acts without thinking. Makes irrational decisions. But it’s half of what I like about him. I wish I could be a little more like him. Act impulsively, consequences be damned.
“I know,” she says. “But it doesn’t change the fact he hurt me. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, and I believed him.”
“What about Brayden?”
Mia chews on her bottom lip for several seconds. “Brayden knows.”
“And he was okay with that?” Doesn’t sound like the Brayden I know.
“I think…” She sighs. “I think he understood because he feels the same way… about you.”
Her sad as fuck eyes lock with mine and my first emotion breaks free. Guilt.
“I’m so fucking sorry for my part in all of this.” I beg her with my eyes to forgive me. “I don’t know how this all got so twisted. It’s like one minute, I was trolling for a woman to hook up with at The Lodge and the next, I’m fucking around with two different guys.”
Mia does some weird snort-laugh-cry thing and then grants me the smallest smile. “I get it. They’re both… oddly irresistible in their own ways.”
Her smile falls and she takes a deep breath. “Where do we go from here?”
“I guess the question is, where do you want to go from here?”
She chews on her bottom lip in thought before she says, “Right now, I think I need a little breather.”
I get exactly how she feels. “If you want me to go…”
“No.” She shakes her head. “Unless you want to go…”
“Right now, I think I need a little breather as well.”
“Wanna watch a movie?” she suggests. “Try to take our mind off the shitstorm that’s waiting outside for us.”
“Sure.”
She clicks the television on and presses play on the first movie that pops up. The opening credits have barely even begun, when I hear her sniffling.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I take the remote out of her hand and press pause.
“It’s ‘No Strings Attached’.” She hiccups through a sob. “It’s about two best friends who fall in love.” Her lids fill with tears and her chest falls up and down heavily. “Drew,” she cries. “I love him. I need him. I don’t want to lose him.” She’s crying so hard, it’s difficult to make out what she’s saying. “And I really, really care about Brayden,” she adds. “I’m so sorry. I know you love him…”
“Shhh… It’s okay.” I guide her closer so I can comfort her. She lays her head across my lap, and I run my fingers through her hair, trying to calm her down. When she shifts her body, getting comfortable, her face brushes against my crotch, and my dick stirs, thinking he’s about to get some attention. I close my eyes. Breathe in, then exhale harshly, praying she doesn’t notice.
But she does…
“Umm… Drew,” she says softly. “Are you…?”
I clear my throat. “Hard? You’re rubbing your face against my dick, Mia.”
“Oh,” she breathes, sitting up. “I’m sorry.” She eyes me sheepishly. “We’re a hot mess, aren’t we?” She laughs, and I chuckle at how up and down her emotions are. One second she’s in tears and the next she’s laughing. It would be amusing if not for the circumstance.
My phone vibrates and she eyes my pocket. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“If you could be with one person, who would you be with?”
“Damn,” I say through a laugh. “Hitting me with the hard questions.”
“The fact that you think it’s a hard question says a lot.”
I let her words soak in. She’s right. I should’ve immediately said Brayden. He should’ve been the obvious answer, but that would mean never being with Ashton again, and for some crazy reason, the thought of not being with Ashton again doesn’t sit well with me. Then there’s the fact I was just sporting a chubby over Mia touching me. Jesus fuck, she’s right. We’re a hot damn mess.
“What about you?” I ask without answering.
She raises a knowing brow. “If I had to pick one person…” She considers her answer for several seconds. “I want to say Ashton…”
“But…”
“But I think it’s clear I’m missing an important piece he obviously needs, and I want him to be happy. I don’t think I could ever truly make Ashton happy.” Her eyes roll to the ceiling as she tries to stop herself from crying, but she fails, and the tears skate down her face. I reach over and wipe them with my thumbs, hating how badly she’s hurting. Hating how fucked up this situation is.
“Nothing has to be answered tonight.” I pull her into my chest. “Why don’t we pick a different movie and just tune it all out for tonight? Tomorrow, all this bullshit will still be here.”
She nods in agreement against my chest. “Okay.”
I find an action flick and press play. Not even twenty minutes into the movie and Mia is snoring softly. Carefully, so I don’t wake her up, I lift and carry her to her room and lay her down in her bed.
I’m pulling the blanket up when her eyes flutter open. “Stay the night,” she says groggily.
“You sure?�
�
“Yeah,” she insists. “It’s safe here.” In other words, if I go home I’ll be forced to face Ashton.
“Thanks.”
I climb into bed with her and she rolls over, her head landing on my chest and her soft body snuggling against mine. I try to ignore the way my entire body relaxes at her touch. She curls up closer, and her arm falls across my torso. I close my eyes, trying and failing not to notice how perfectly she fits against me.
It makes me wonder how Brayden—or Ashton—would feel in this position. Could I give up women altogether in order to be with Brayden? Could he? As my eyes close in exhaustion, my thoughts go back to Mia’s question: if I had to pick one person to be with, who would I pick? If only that question had a correct answer, then we all wouldn’t be in this damn situation.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm going off. Fuck, it’s 4:00 a.m. Practice. I glance over at Mia, who at some point rolled over and is facing the other way, and carefully climb out of the bed so I don’t wake her up.
I consider going straight to practice without changing and then remember my keys are at the apartment. The only other person with a set of keys who would be there as early as me would be Brayden, but I’m not sure if he’ll be showing up to practice.
After leaving Mia a note that I had to go to practice but will be by after to check on her, I lock myself out of her apartment and walk next door to my own.
Shit, no keys means I don’t have keys to my apartment either. I try the doorknob and sigh when it opens the door. At least at this hour, he’ll be asleep.
But the moment the door clicks shut behind me, I know I’m wrong.
Ashton is not asleep.
He’s fucking wrecked and waiting.
“Where were you?” His words are cold and filled with accusation. He pushes his hair back from his face, his bloodshot eyes meeting mine.
“You know where,” I mutter, not wanting to look at him, yet unable to look away either.
Not when he’s like this.
Burning with a mixture of anger and something else.
His hair is messy and sticking up. Dark circles ring his eyes. He’s shirtless and wearing his swim sweats. Despair practically drips from him. A perfectly tormented man, and somehow too beautiful to look away from.
“Did you sleep with her?” Hate ripples from him, but the pained expression on his face indicates it’s directed at himself. As though he’s hoping for the lash of my words.
Rather than hurt him, I walk over to him, gently clutching his shoulder. “No.”
He doesn’t say anything. Simply bows his head. I squeeze the powerful muscle that only years of swimming can create.
“I’m sorry I fucked everything up,” he whispers, barely audible. “I’m a fuck-up.”
“Everyone’s fucked-up,” I say with a sigh. “Including me.”
With those words, I leave him hopefully feeling not so alone, because it’s the truth. All four of us have a play in this situation—each aiming for the goal and always missing—but no one’s winning shit.
He won’t look at me.
Not that I’m surprised.
I royally fucked up.
All through practice, I felt Drew’s intense glare on me, but by the time I would glance at him, his stare was elsewhere. His jaw clenched, the only tell of his pain.
Not anger. Pain.
I fucking hurt him.
“You going to Marcus’s party tonight?” Finn asks as he shoulders his bag.
“Nah,” I grunt, toweling my wet hair. “I need to study.”
Finn smirks. “Is this about that girl? Naked studying?” He waggles his brows. “Need a study partner?”
“Go away,” I say with a laugh, shoving at him.
“I’ll text you the address in case you change your mind. See ya, Murphy.”
“Later.”
The moment he’s gone, I steel my nerves. I need to talk to Drew. He may have been able to avoid me at practice, but he won’t be able to avoid me when I march right into his office. I’m just grabbing a clean shirt from my bag when I hear keys jangle. I dart my eyes over at Drew’s office to find him locking up.
He’s trying to escape.
Fisting my shirt, I charge over to him, my heart clenching and blood buzzing through my veins.
“We need to talk,” I grit out, hating how he still won’t meet my eyes.
“I have a meeting.”
“Liar.”
His blue eyes finally—fucking finally—lock onto mine, blazing with anger. Good. I can deal with anger. I can’t deal with breaking his heart.
“I have a meeting,” he says, his voice turning icy.
“So cancel it.” I take a step closer, needing to be near him. “I want to talk to you.”
A muscle ticks in his jaw and his nostrils flare. “There are things I want too, but clearly that’s not going to fucking happen.”
His words are a punch to the gut.
“Drew,” I choke. “What happened with Ashton—”
“Stop,” he snaps. “Just stop.”
I step until we’re nose to nose. “We were fighting and then…” I close my eyes, frowning. “Then we were kissing. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” His words are cold. “Can I leave now?”
I open my eyes to look at him. “I fucked up.”
“It was just a kiss,” he mutters. “Not a big deal.”
“It was, though.” I fist the front of his shirt, aching to kiss him until he forgives me. “After what you and I did this weekend, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
“Brayden…” He sighs. “I’m more worried about Mia right now than my feelings.”
His words make me flinch—a stab from a double-edged sword. They’re a reminder that another person was hurt by that kiss. Mia. And that he holds her feelings above his own.
I’m storming with confusing emotions.
“I’ll talk to her,” I assure him. “I’ll make this right.”
Drew snorts in disbelief. “It’s too fucked up to ever be right.”
“Please don’t shut me out,” I beg, hating the vulnerability in my tone. “Please.”
His blue eyes soften as he studies me, seemingly searching for answers as to what is going on in my head. I’ll tell him. Whatever he needs to hear to make it right again.
“I’m not shutting you out.” His hand grips my wrist, but he doesn’t pull my hand away from where I hold on to his shirt. “I just need space to think.”
“About us?” My voice cracks. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us.”
I know I fucked up and kissed Ashton back. I’d gotten so caught up in the way he was taunting me that it just sort of happened. I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t attracted to Ashton. Seeing him swim is what changed things for me. From hating him to admiring him. When he had me pinned and was fucking with me to piss me off, I got turned on. That kiss was… unfortunately, really fucking nice.
It was just with the wrong person.
“I need to leave,” Drew reminds me. “We can talk later.”
I crave to kiss him and hug him. To show him that we really can be okay. All we have to do is try. I’m not confused right now. I want Drew. I want to make it right.
“Tell me we’ll be okay.”
He lets out a heavy sigh. “We’ll be okay.”
Even though he doesn’t sound convincing at all, I’m fucking elated. I release his shirt to hug him, burying my face against his neck. My heart tightens inside my chest when he hugs me back. Everything is fucked-up and messy, but being like this with Drew is one of the right and good things in my world.
Someone clears their throat.
Drew and I fly apart. My skin prickles with worry when I whirl around to find Dean Carter staring at us, wearing a frown that looks so much like Ashton’s it’s frightening.
“Dean Carter,” Drew rasps out. “I was—”
“My brother,” I choke out. “Comforting me about my brother. He knew him
too.”
I feel like shit throwing Ben out there, but I sure as hell don’t want Drew to get his ass reamed for hugging me. We were friends long before he was my coach. But, to an outsider, I know it looks bad, especially since I’m half-naked from my shower.
“I’m sorry,” Dean Carter says to me before turning his attention to Drew. “I just came by to congratulate you on the win. Again. This is going to be a great season.”
I throw on my shirt and then scoop up my bag. “Later, guys.”
I’m buzzing with worry as I head for the tutoring center where I have an appointment with Mia. Now that I’ve put some distance between Drew and me, I can’t help but mull over his words. She’s probably feeling all kinds of betrayed. Not only did she catch the boy she’s stupidly in love with kissing someone, but it had to be me. The same guy who flew all the way out to California to surprise her. The same guy who took her on a date and was intimate with her. The same guy who broke things off with her in order to pursue something with Drew.
I’m a fucking mess.
Mia doesn’t deserve this.
If Drew and I will be okay, maybe Mia and I can be too. She’s sweet and trusting and caring. Not the type to hold grudges forever. Maybe one day we can go back to being friends. I owe her an apology and I won’t feel right until I’ve made it.
I bump into a girl and steady her so she doesn’t fall. It’s a familiar girl I’ve seen around a few times.
“Sorry,” I grunt out. “Didn’t see you there.”
“Brayden Murphy?”
I grin because it’s what my fans expect. “That’s me.”
“Sasha. Remember me?”
I’m nodding even though I had no fucking idea what her name was. “That’s right. How’s it going?”
“Just busy. My daddy’s been planning the athletic program’s annual fundraising event, so I’ve been hunting down items for the auction.” Ah, I don’t know her, but I do know her dad. From what I’ve heard, he graduated twenty years ago and still holds half the football records. Could’ve gone pro, but he blew out his knee. Now he’s just an old man living vicariously through the younger generation. Can’t complain, though… It’s because of the fundraising events he organizes that the hockey team got all new equipment and uniforms this year.