by K Webster
“I’m planning a dating auction.” She smiles, batting her fake lashes at me.
“I’m sure you’ll earn lots of money with that.” I scan the tutoring center behind her, looking for Mia. “Let me know how it goes.”
Her fingers wrap around my bicep, stopping me. “I thought maybe you’d like to offer a date for an auction item. A portion of the proceeds do go toward hockey after all.”
“Me?” I frown at her. Drew’s already told the team we have to go, but I was just planning to make an appearance and then dip the fuck out.
“You’re the most loved hockey player this school has,” she explains, her pink lips quirking up on one side. “I’ve already wrangled the quarterback of the football team and the starting center of the basketball team. I tell you, it’s fate we bumped into each other. Literally.”
“Uhh,” I groan, running my fingers through my wet hair. “I guess, yeah.” Anything to get the hell out of here.
“Wonderful,” she says, flashing me her mouth full of perfect veneers. “It’s a good thing this is for a good cause. I won’t mind one bit outbidding everyone for a date with you.”
The thought of going on a date—albeit a paid-for one—with this chick is nauseating.
“Right,” I grunt out. “So I gotta go.”
“I’ll have my assistant, Bianca, email you with the details.” She gives my bicep another squeeze before releasing me. “See you soon.”
Glad to be away from her, I stalk over to the guy running the tutoring center reception desk. Some nerd with glasses and a face full of pimples. As soon as he sees me, he blushes.
“What?” I demand, confused at his sudden embarrassment.
“N-Nothing,” he croaks out. “Can I help you?”
I study this dude for a second. He’s nervous and his face keeps turning redder by the second. Is he afraid of me?
“I’m here to see Mia Livingston.”
He averts his gaze to the computer. “She’s not in today. Looks like her appointment with Brayden Murphy—”
“That’s me,” I confirm.
“Canceled. It looks like it’s been canceled.” He blushes again. “Depending on the subject, I could tutor you.”
All the puzzle pieces snap together. He’s attracted to me. Something, before all this recent shit with Drew and then Ashton, I would’ve chalked up to him being a dweeb. Now, I recognize it for what it is. This guy is apparently also into guys, namely me. I’m slightly annoyed at the fact I’m starting to notice the opposite sex—even when not attracted back. I feel like I should blame Ashton for this. Definitely Ashton.
“Nah, man. I’m good.” I give him a head nod and then stalk out of the tutoring center.
She canceled because of what I did.
I hurt her.
Just like I hurt Drew.
I’ll need to see her soon and repair things. Apologize. Grovel. Sure, Mia and I were technically “off” whatever it is we were attempting, but it doesn’t mean I still didn’t hurt her.
Since I’m fucking starving after practice, I make my way over to the cafeteria and grab a sandwich. I see a few guys I recognize and tip my head to them, but never stop to talk. I pause for a second, letting that sink in.
I never stop to talk.
Never party with Finn or the others.
Rarely meet up with the other teammates outside of practice or games.
I’m a damn loner.
It wasn’t always this way. Before Ben’s death, I was popular and liked at my school. I had ride or die friends, including Drew. I went to sleepovers and terrorized the mall with my buddies. I went on trips out of town with my friends and their families. I allowed myself the pleasures of friendship.
When Ben died, I began to retreat.
I didn’t feel deserving to have fun when he’d never be able to again.
It all felt so unfair.
And now I’m a goddamn man who has no friends because the ones he does have, he tries to stick his dumbass tongue down their throats.
Fuck.
“Hey, Nick,” I grunt out, walking up to the table of guys who were just waving to me. “Your brother still play for that Canadian hockey team? How’s that going for him?”
Everyone blinks at me, seemingly surprised that I approached and engaged in conversation.
Okay, so I’m really shitty at this.
“Yeah, man,” Nick says, his brows furling. “Want me to put in a good word?”
“No,” I rush out quickly. “I was just making conversation.”
“Oh.”
The uncomfortable silence wanes on.
“Right, so if you ever want to hang, hit me up,” I state, giving him a forced smile.
Nick nods, but confusion glimmers in his eyes. “Sure thing.”
I grunt out a goodbye and then walk away, hating how fucking awkward that was. Why do I have to be this way? All I care about is hockey, my parents, and Drew. It’s all it’s been for as long as I can remember.
What about Mia and Ashton?
Mia’s a no-brainer. I do care about that girl.
Ashton…
I don’t want to think about Ashton. He’s problematic.
On the way over to Mia’s, I wolf down my sandwich, my mind spinning with all the confusing shit I’m dealing with. I don’t know how to make sense of the way my heart speeds up at the thought of seeing her. Or how it seems to stop altogether when I think of the kiss with Ashton. My heart just fucking explodes when my thoughts return to Drew—always Drew.
I finally reach Mia’s door and knock, hoping like hell she’ll answer. Heavy footsteps thud toward the door. The lock flips and then the door opens enough to reveal Drew.
My Drew.
Why the hell is he here?
“This was your meeting?” I bite out, flames of anger licking at my insides. I know it’s irrational, but I feel duped somehow. “What’s going on here?”
He still looks hot as hell wearing his Ice Hawks long-sleeved white shirt and dark wash jeans. I want to yank him to me and kiss him, but after the shit storm that was last night, I don’t dare. We’re on thin ice and one wrong move could lead to dire consequences.
I can’t lose him again.
Not when we’re so close to… something.
The something feels right and I need it.
“My meeting was canceled,” he states in a gruff tone. “It was an academic probation meeting with advisors, but since all my players got their grades up, it was unnecessary. Anything else you’d like to interrogate me about, Officer?”
I tear my gaze from his lips that have twisted up in an angry sneer to peek past him into Mia’s apartment. “I need to talk to Mia. She canceled her tutoring session with me.”
He crosses his arms, blocking the doorway with his big body. “You should reschedule with someone else.”
“I don’t want anyone else,” I throw back, heated at his words. “I want Mia!”
We both flinch at my words.
It’s not like that, but it kind of feels like that.
“She doesn’t want to talk to you or Ashton right now. Give her some space.”
I have the urge to yell for her to come to the door but then that’d be going against the advice I just gave Ashton about Mia last night. I know this girl. It’ll only piss her off more.
“Can you tell her I stopped by?” I ask, deflating like a balloon. “Please.”
“I will.”
“Tell her I’m sorry.”
His blue eyes flash with pain that stabs me right in the gut. “You’ve been saying that a lot today.”
I want to pull him to me and say it a thousand more times because now that my head’s out of my ass, I know what I want.
Drew.
For most of my life, it’s been Drew.
A beautiful, sweet girl and a hot, sarcastic asshole aren’t going to change that.
“Drew,” I mutter, wanting nothing more than to close this divide between us.
He uncrosses h
is arms and starts to turn to go back inside. On impulse, I grab his hand. It’s warm and strong in my own. He doesn’t pull away, which feels like progress.
“Tell me we’re okay. Say it again,” I plead.
His jaw clenches, but his thumb is gentle as it strokes my hand. “We’re okay.”
Uncertainty flickers in his blue eyes, unsettling me.
“Bye, Bray.”
I reluctantly release his hand, hating how cold I feel when our connection is severed. “Bye, Drew.”
I’m still staring his way when the door closes in my face. Resolve begins to build up inside me, fiery and hot. Sure, over the years Drew and I have danced around this thing that has always seemed inevitable between us. At certain times, our grief only stirred up the messy emotions, never letting them settle. Anger took the wheel more often than not.
But now?
Now we’re back on the path to an us.
I can feel it with utmost certainty.
It’s going to be rocky as fuck, but our path so far has been that way.
Who wants a smooth road when they could take the bumpy, frustrating road with Drew Thompson?
I’ve fought tooth and nail to get to where I am with hockey.
I’ll do the same for him because I’m tired of pretending like he doesn’t mean the entire fucking world to me. I’m tired of this push and pull. I’m going to fight for him rather than against him. It’s about damn time, too.
We’re going to be okay, Drew.
Just wait and see.
“He said he’s sorry,” Drew says, closing the door. He glances at me with the saddest eyes and I hate that I’m being a coward and forcing him to run interference. I might’ve been hurt by what Ashton and Brayden did, but so was Drew.
I bring my knees up to my chest and encircle my arms around them. “I heard… Thank you for that.” I nod toward the door. “I know eventually I’m going to have to talk to them.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” Drew says, sitting back down and wrapping his comforting arms around me. “And you don’t have to rush to see or speak to anyone. They’ll both be here when you’re ready.”
“Have you, um, spoken to either of them?” I look up at him and he nods solemnly.
“A little. I saw Ashton this morning when I went home to get ready for practice.”
“How is he?” I shouldn’t care how he’s doing, but I can’t help it. I know how my best friend is, and he doesn’t handle shit well.
“Not good,” Drew says truthfully. “Beating himself up in typical Ashton fashion. Blamed himself and called himself a fuck-up.” The thought of not being able to hug my best friend makes me sad. One of the reasons Ashton and I clicked was because we’re the same: both natural loners. Right now, I have Drew, but who does Ashton have? Who will be there to talk him down, to hold him the way Drew is holding me? He’s not a fuck-up. He’s just confused, the way we all are. The only difference is, where I think through every decision I make—from years of my mom berating me over every bad choice—Ashton flies by the seat of his pants. It’s one of the things I love about him… and it’s also what led to him hurting me.
“Saw Brayden at practice,” Drew adds, snapping me from my thoughts. He’s quiet for several seconds before he continues. “When we were younger, the reason we stopped talking was because Brayden kissed me.” My mind goes back to the night Brayden and I talked while he was visiting me in California. He told me about this, and I couldn’t help thinking how similar our situations were. Best friends torn apart all because of a kiss—an act of love. Something that should bring two people together, instead tore them apart.
“I ran because I was scared of what that kiss would mean,” he says, looking down at me. “We were best friends and with one kiss, everything changed. I just kept thinking, if I reciprocate, will that make me gay? Or bi? Back then athletes weren’t gay… well, at least not publicly, and I was scared of what my dad and the kids at school would say.”
Drew releases me slightly so we can face each other. His features are etched with pain, and I can tell he’s been holding this all in for years.
“You were young,” I tell him. “And being different is scary.”
“Maybe, but Brayden put his heart on the line twice for me. Once when we were thirteen and again when my dad died. He kissed me twice, not giving a shit about the consequences or what people might think. We both felt it, this pull between us, but he wasn’t scared to act on it. And I ran like a fucking coward.”
He scrubs his palms over his scruff that’s grown in the last few days since he hasn’t shaven. “I want to be so mad at Brayden for what he did with Ashton, but…”
“But you love him, and he’s your best friend,” I choke out, missing the hell out of mine.
“Yeah, but more than that, I want to be with him.” Drew’s glassy eyes meet mine. “I spent eight years without him, and I don’t think I can do that again. I came here to coach, but the truth is, I also came here to get my best friend back.”
My heart both swells and clenches at the same time because the man he wants is the same man I was falling for. God, this is so messed up.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and when I open them, I say the words I think he’s needing to hear. “Then you should go after him.”
Drew’s eyes lock with mine.
“He loves you, Drew, and after spending this time with you, I can see why. Go to him, work it out. At least one of us can have that elusive happily ever after.”
Drew nods. “I’m not ready yet. I need to forgive him first, so when I do go to him, I’m not still angry and hurt by what he did.”
“You of all people know that what happened wasn’t Brayden’s fault.” I huff out a laugh. “I love Ashton to death, but we both know he was the instigator there. It wasn’t too long ago you were with Ashton as well. I’m not saying Brayden didn’t do anything, because we both saw him kissing Ashton back, but…”
Drew groans. “But Ashton is hard as fuck to resist.”
I laugh harder. “I miss him so much.” Fresh sobs rack my body, and Drew pulls me into his arms so I’m straddling his thighs. I wrap my arms around his neck and he holds me tight while I cry into his neck. “Why can’t I be enough?”
“Fuck, Mia, you are,” Drew murmurs. “You are enough.”
“Not for Brayden… and not for Ashton…” And not even for Drew. I’ve fallen for three men. Three sweet, funny, thoughtful, sexy men, and I’m not enough for any of them.
Memories from when I was younger hit me hard.
“You aren’t skinny enough.”
“You aren’t motivated enough.”
“You aren’t pretty enough.”
“You aren’t coordinated enough.”
“You aren’t popular enough.”
My entire life, I’ve never been enough. My mom made sure I knew it, and as much as I hate to admit it, she wasn’t wrong.
I pull away from Drew and climb off his lap. “If it’s okay with you, I think I really just want to be alone.” I swipe the tears that won’t stop falling.
“Are you sure?” he asks, worry in his tone.
“Yeah,” I choke out. “I’m sorry. I just… I need some time to think.”
“Okay, yeah.” He stands. “But if you need anything…”
“I know, thank you.”
“You sure?” he asks again as he opens the front door.
“Yeah.”
Once he’s out the door, I lock it and then slide down the door until I’m sitting on the floor, and then I let go and cry.
I want to be enough for someone.
My parents. Ashton. Drew and Brayden.
Seems like I’m almost good enough, but not quite.
I guess Mom was always right.
There’s a knock on the door, and I drag myself out of bed. The first couple days of me being at home and wallowing, Ashton and Brayden would stop by and try to get me to open the door, but after Drew told them I needed time, they stopp
ed. Not ready to leave and deal with the real world, I emailed my professors and feigned sick. They were nice about it, letting me know the work I need to do to stay caught up, and it bought me a few days.
Now, it’s Friday and Drew and Brayden are leaving for an away game, so I could probably get away with leaving my apartment, but there’s still Ashton. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since I caught him and Brayden lip-locked, and I don’t think I’m ready yet. I haven’t even turned my phone on. It’s been quiet and peaceful… and lonely.
The knock sounds again, and my heart picks up speed at the thought of Ashton being on the other side of my door. I bring my eye to the peephole, mentally preparing myself for seeing the man who’s stolen my heart and shattered it, but instead, I see Drew.
“Hey,” I say, opening the door so he can come in. “I thought you had a game.”
“We do.” He closes the door behind him. “But when I stopped by before, I noticed you didn’t have any food in your fridge.” He raises his arms, holding a coffee in one hand and a bag in the other.
“Thanks,” I mutter, taking the items from him and setting them on the counter. “But you don’t have to take care of me.”
“I know, but I’m worried about you. You’ve been holed up in this apartment all week, and you haven’t eaten anything…”
“I’m fine,” I snap. “Anyway, what about you? Yeah, you’ve gone out, but have you talked to Brayden or Ashton?”
His look of guilt tells me my answer: he hasn’t.
“I’m planning to. I just need some time.”
“And so do I.”
He nods. “Okay, I have to head out. The bus is leaving soon, but if you need anything—”
“I have your number. Now go.” I playfully push his shoulders. “Focus on the game and don’t worry about me.”
I pull the door open and Drew and I come face to face with Sasha. “There you are,” she says, raking her eyes down the length of my body. “Where the heck have you been?” Her nose bunches up in disgust. “And why do you look like… that?”
Then, as if just realizing there’s someone else here, her eyes land on Drew. “Who are you?” Her brows furrow in thought.
“I’m just leaving,” Drew says stiffly. I’m confused by his abrupt answer, until I remember… He’s the coach, and I’m a student. And…