by Lois Richer
“Wait.” Sara climbed off and held out a hand. He hesitated. She debated a moment then said, “Helping someone else makes the other person feel useful, you know.”
Finally he grasped her hand to leverage himself upright.
Sara took off her helmet and tipped her face into the falling snowflakes. “I think this is the loveliest place on earth,” she whispered and turned to find Kyle directly in front of her.
“Wait till it hits minus-forty degrees,” Kyle said, his lips mere inches from her ear.
Sara wanted so badly to feel his arms wrap around her, to be loved. But Kyle didn’t want that. Apparently neither did God. She stepped away from him, needing the space to assemble her troubled thoughts.
Sara had overheard Laurel hiring a new cook on the phone this morning. Now, standing here in the snow, she suddenly realized she’d changed her mind, that she wanted to stay on at Lives, at least for as long as Kyle was here. Maybe if she was here long enough he’d change his mind.
But she’d given her promise that she would leave before the New Year began, insisted Laurel not let her change her mind. How could she now make a fuss and force everyone to change their plans?
“See over there, that cove in the river? That’s where my buddies and I used to come to fish.” Kyle stood beside her, his head bare. “And over there, where the hill rises, we’d haul deadwood over to make a fort. There aren’t many trees in Churchill, most grow along the river. We’d shinny up the largest ones and pretend we were settlers sighting French ships in the bay.”
“That sounds like fun,” she murmured.
“It was. That rock with the oddly shaped top? That’s Top Hat Rock. And that is an abandoned stone house.” He grinned. “We had a lot of fun playing hide-and-seek there.”
Sara could see it in her mind, a younger Kyle, happy and carefree.
“What are you thinking?” he asked.
“That I envy you.”
“Why?” His eyes grew dark and stormy. “Because your past was so miserable? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t—”
“Don’t.” She put her fingers over his lips, relishing this bit of intimacy. “Don’t be sorry that you had a wonderful home and family that loved you. Don’t ever be sorry that you knew such blessings. Anyway, that isn’t what I meant.” She withdrew her fingers slowly, knowing that she had no right to touch him like that, no matter what her heart wanted.
“Then what?”
“I meant I envy you because you’ve done so much, seen so much.” She smiled. “You know so many things that I haven’t got a clue about.”
“You’ve driven a snowmobile.” He flashed his devastating smile. His soft voice soothed. “You live what you believe and you pass it on to everyone around you. You fit perfectly wherever you go, Sara.”
“Thank you for saying that, Kyle.” She tilted her head to one side and smiled. “So I guess you’d agree that God has blessed both of us?”
Sara watched carefully for some sign of anger. She didn’t find it. Instead, after a long pause, Kyle nodded, his gaze on something far ahead, which she couldn’t see.
“I guess maybe He has,” he murmured. “Come on. It’s time to go back before it gets dark. Try to remember as many landmarks as you can in case you get lost someday.”
“I doubt that will happen,” Sara said as she climbed on the machine and drove them back. As she drove, she offered a prayer of thanksgiving that at last Kyle had begun to reconcile his faith. Had he finally begun to see God as the Giver of Life, maybe even of his future?
But even though she was delighted for him, Sara was suddenly struck by the pain his rejection brought, and struggled not to feel devastated. But the man she loved didn’t want her in his future. There was no escaping that.
When will You bring love into my life? When will You show me what You want me to do? When will I get Kyle out of my heart?
The silence of the blanketed land offered no answers.
They hit a soft spot and dipped. Sara gripped the handlebars, bracing herself. The snow came harder now, with gusts of headwinds that buffeted them and made visibility difficult. She paused once when Kyle tapped her shoulder.
“You’re doing really well, Sara. I just wanted to mention something.”
She nodded.
“You see how it’s beginning to storm? When the wind really gets going it will be much harder to see. Storms up here can cause white-out conditions.”
“It’s almost that now,” she said, peering through the whirling snow.
“It can get much worse than this. Lots of people get lost in it. Do you remember rule number one?”
“If you get lost, stop, dig a snow fort and take refuge inside while you wait for someone to find you,” she repeated, almost yelling to make herself heard above the wind.
“Exactly.” He nodded and pointed to the right, showing that she’d gone off track. “Go that way. We’re almost home.”
Almost home?
Where is my home, God? Sara asked over and over.
She heard only one word in her heart.
Trust.
Chapter Thirteen
Kyle caught himself whistling a Christmas carol as he drove his sled to Pastor Rick’s. Their talks were helping him finally shed the anger that had clung to his shoulders ever since his father had died. But he wasn’t there yet. He said that to Rick.
“Let go and keep your mind open,” his new friend advised. “God has a plan, even if you don’t know what it is yet. In the meantime, the help, encouragement and role modeling you do for the boys at Lives are making a difference. You realize, don’t you, that it’s because of your dad that you find it so easy to teach them survival skills?”
“How do you figure?”
“Because that’s what your father did for you, Kyle. He taught you to figure things out, to find a way to do what you want.” Rick’s grin was irrepressible. “Isn’t that how you figured out how you can snowshoe with your bad leg?”
“Yeah, I guess it is. Dad always used to say that if you wanted something enough, nothing could stop you.” Kyle grinned.
“That’s his legacy to you,” Rick said. “Strength, grit and determination. You were entrusted with that so you could pass it on to these kids. They need to know that their past isn’t going to hold them back, that if they want to and are willing to work at it, they can change their lives.”
“I think Sara’s pretty well drummed that into them, but I’m happy to do what I can to help out.”
“How is Sara? I missed her at church on Sunday,” Rick said.
“That might be my fault.” Even as he said it, a ton of guilt rose in Kyle. “I think she’s avoiding me.”
“Why?” Rick listened as he explained what had happened the day he’d spread his father’s ashes.
“I had to reject her,” Kyle told him.
“Why? From what you’ve told me, I thought you had feelings for her.” Rick inclined his head. “What’s wrong with that.”
“Nothing can come of it.”
“Because you don’t want to get involved? Because you don’t want to take a chance on loving again, in case you’re rejected?” The way Rick said it sounded silly.
“Sara wouldn’t reject me because of my leg,” Kyle told him and knew it was true. “She’s not like that.”
“So the issue is—you don’t want to take any risks with her, just like you didn’t want to take any risks with God. And look how that turned out.” Rick shook his head. “You’re looking for guarantees, Kyle, and in this life there aren’t any. You’re going to have to decide what’s important to you. If Sara is important then I suggest you figure out a way to make amends.” He shook his head. “I don’t know a woman in the world who wouldn’t be hurting if they got the rejection you described.”
They spent a while praying, then Kyle left, troubled by the words he’d said to her, the way he’d spurned her. He still didn’t think a relationship between them was possible, but he needed her friendship.
�
�And I gave Teddy advice about Laurel,” he muttered to himself as he drove to Lives. “Practice what you preach, dummy.”
The first thing he was going to do was apologize to Sara. But it turned out not to be that easy. He found her in the kitchen, stirring a pot that gave off the most delicious aroma. How to begin?
“What’s that?”
“The filling for chicken pie. I’m making one for Christmas morning—” The last word came out on a wail. Sara sank into a kitchen chair, weeping so loudly Kyle thought his heart would break.
With great difficulty he knelt in front of her, pushed her hair back and peered into her eyes, panicked by her tears and the hopelessness he heard in her voice. “Sara? What’s wrong?”
Silver eyes brimming with tears, she looked at him and laid a hand over her heart. “It hurts so badly, Kyle. How can I make it stop?”
“What happened?” He waited as she reached into her apron pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. Without saying a word she held it out.
Kyle unfolded it. Slowly he read the harsh, condemning words her brother had written, damning claims that Sara had abandoned him to suffer growing up with no one to watch out for him as a big sister should. When Kyle came to Samuel’s demand to be left alone, to his insistence that he wanted nothing to do with his sister, a gut-wrenching ache tore through him. The last link to Sara’s precious family had been severed.
“It’s okay, Sara,” he murmured, touching her hand.
“It is not okay, Kyle.” She snatched back the letter and shoved it into her pocket. “Samuel is my brother, my last living link with our family. How can I just let him go?”
The last word emerged on a sob that shook her. Kyle’s heart wrenched at her grief when she stared at him through tear-glazed eyes.
“How will it ever be okay?” she mourned.
With great difficultly, Kyle rose. He leaned over and drew her into his arms.
“I don’t know, Sara,” he murmured. “Only God knows.” She fit perfectly in his arms and suddenly Kyle longed to have the right to be the one to comfort her forever.
Because he loved her.
The knowledge sucker punched Kyle. He didn’t say a word; he couldn’t have.
He’d cared about Sara Kane for so long…but love?
He rolled it around in his brain, tried to downplay it, but the truth would not be silenced. This woman had taken root in his heart. She belonged there.
Except—how? He could never tell Sara how much she meant to him, never hold her like this again, certainly never let her guess how he felt. Sara deserved so much more than he could offer.
She was going to leave here. Kyle would pretend it was for her good, because it was. Wasn’t it better that she go believing that he didn’t care for her than to add another burden to her already heavy load?
Kyle pushed away everything but his concern for this precious woman. She was alone. Here, now, there was no one but him to comfort her, to help her through this. He couldn’t back away, he couldn’t ignore her suffering. He had to do something. He lifted his hands and cupped them around her face, forcing her to look at him.
“Sara, I don’t know how God soothes our deepest hurts. I don’t understand how He comforts us and brings us out of the dark places,” he whispered. “I only know He does. He will.”
Gradually her sobs died away. When she finally lifted her head to look at him, he saw that the light that made her silver eyes glow was gone. His heart grieved that sweet Sara and her irrepressible positive outlook had been crushed.
“He will,” he repeated.
“You’re talking to me about God?” She tilted her head to one side. “I thought you were mad at God.”
“I, um, was.” He stammered to a halt, embarrassed now to realize how silly it was to think he understood God’s plans. “I’ve been meeting with that new minister, trying to sort out some things.”
“Oh, Kyle, I’m so glad that you’re searching to restore your faith.” She hugged him tightly. Kyle reveled in her embrace. Too soon she pulled away and straightened her apron. “Sometimes it’s hard to accept God’s ways, but you won’t regret it. The most important thing is that you find Him again.”
“That’s what Rick keeps saying. Figure out the issues and work them through. The things he says have begun to strike home.”
“Really? Do you mind telling me?” She waited until he was seated then sat across from him.
“No.” Sharing with this woman seemed so right, so natural, that Kyle couldn’t seem to help himself. “But the first thing I need to do is apologize. I hurt you and I never want to do that. I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t matter. It’s forgotten.” She folded her hands in her lap. “Tell me the good stuff, the stuff you’ve learned about God.”
“Okay. Well, Rick said my dad left me a legacy that it’s my duty to pass on. I never thought of it that way but he’s right.”
Sara gave him one of her beautiful, warm smiles, encouraging him to continue.
“The things I loved about Churchill are the same things the boys need to learn,” Kyle continued. “Learning how to deal with the hardships this land presents will help them find pride in themselves and realize they aren’t weak, that they don’t have to be patsies for some drug pusher or gang leader.” He took a deep breath. “That’s why I’m going to take them on an overnight survival trek next week. I’ve already okayed it with Laurel. It will be my Christmas gift to them.”
“Before you go, you mean.” Sara’s face tightened but she kept a bead on him.
“Yes.” But as he studied her face, Kyle knew he couldn’t leave without trying to do something that would reunite her with the brother she so longed to see again. “Sara, would you mind if I talked to Samuel?”
“Oh, Kyle, that’s such a lovely offer. But I don’t think it will do any good,” she said, frowning. “His letter is pretty adamant about not wanting anything to do with me. Maybe it’s better to respect his wishes, but thank you, Kyle.”
He nodded, still listening but mulling over the possibility of contacting her brother, anyway. Maybe he could get Samuel to at least talk to her. That would make a good Christmas gift and if it didn’t work out, she wouldn’t be disappointed.
“I’ve been talking to Rick, too,” she told him.
Kyle didn’t have to ask why. He knew the reason Sara had sought out Rick was to soothe her hurting heart over the family God seemed disinclined to give. If ever someone deserved that family, it was Sara. He knew she was also hurting over his rejection. She’d probably told the pastor about that. Again Kyle felt ashamed of his harsh words.
“I love working here. That day we were on the snowmobile I started to think that maybe God wanted me to stay, to keep working with the boys. But I don’t think that anymore.”
“Why?” He couldn’t fathom Lives without Sara.
“Because God’s ways aren’t ours and just because I want something, doesn’t mean He wants it for me.” Her head dipped. “I have to leave.”
“What’s made you so sure?” Kyle sensed something else was going on.
“God doesn’t want me here because I don’t deserve the privilege of staying here,” she whispered.
“Why do you think that, Sara?” His heart felt as if it was squeezed in a vise.
“Because I caused Maria’s death.” Sara shook her head, loosening a few tendrils of hair that slid down to caress her cheek. “That’s why God wants me to leave. That’s why I have to be alone. I don’t deserve a family.”
“Sara, no. God isn’t like that.” He tried to make her understand what he himself had only just begun to fathom. “God’s love doesn’t depend on us deserving it. God gives His love freely. Even if you did make a mistake, you asked for forgiveness, didn’t you?” He waited until she’d nodded. “He looks at you and loves you as His precious child. He doesn’t want you to suffer.”
“Then why doesn’t He answer my prayer for a family?” she demanded, eyes blazing. When he couldn’t
answer, she smiled the saddest smile he’d ever seen. “Don’t worry, Kyle, I’ll live on my own and continue to serve Him. It’s just that I would have loved—”
With a small, tired sigh she rose and returned to the counter, where she continued rolling out the pastry she’d begun.
Kyle opened his mouth to argue, but what could he say? He couldn’t tell her what was in his heart, that he wanted to be with her forever, to make her world happy and fulfilled. Because he couldn’t do that. The doctors had been clear, the shrapnel had done its damage. There was little chance that he could father a child.
Sara wanted a family, children. Lots of them.
Kyle slowly turned and left the kitchen. He went to the family room and laid out the things he’d brought, ready to begin a survival class as soon as the boys returned from school.
But no matter how busy he kept himself, he couldn’t shake the image of Sara in his arms, the light lemon fragrance of her hair filling his senses, sobbing as if her heart was breaking.
He thought again of the verse he’d read this morning in Psalms 66.
You let men ride over our heads, we went through fire and water, yet you brought us to a place of abundance.
“I’m trying to wait and let You bring me to that place of abundance,” he prayed. “I’m trying to follow the directions You give.”
Kyle stared out the window at the snow-covered land he loved.
“But oh, God, what am I supposed to do about Sara?”
*
“Two days until we go on our trek,” Kyle told the boys gathered around him. “I’ve got a little quiz to see how ready you are.”
Sara had spent the past few days listening in, pretending she wasn’t paying attention as she knit a pair of mitts for Laurel. The truth was she reveled in every word Kyle said. She needed to hear the sound of his voice, to see his face come alive as he explained how to track, how to see wild animals without scaring them away, how to survive in the wilderness.
But after ten minutes Sara knew that today, for some reason, she couldn’t listen anymore. It hurt too much. She had to get away. She waited until the boys huddled around the coffee table to work on their quiz.