Salvation

by Land, Alexa

  “How’s the baby? Do you feel it moving?”

  She pushed her long, sandy blonde hair out of her face. “Yeah, all the time. I can’t get any rest, it’s always kicking me.”

  I sat down on the edge of her bed. “But that’s a good thing. It means the baby’s doing okay.”

  “I just want it out of me. I hope it happens soon. Not that, like, I’m looking forward to going through childbirth. I’ve been having these false contractions. Muriel, this older woman who lived in the trailer next door to us in Arizona, had some name for them.”

  “You must mean Braxton Hicks contractions.”

  “Yeah, that. How do you even know that?”

  “I did a lot of reading on pregnancy and childbirth when you got pregnant.”

  “Well anyway, they suck! If the fake ones are that bad, how the hell am I going to survive the real thing?”

  “You will.”

  “I really don’t want this, Trevor.”

  “I know, but you’ll get through it. Childbirth must seem really scary, but—”

  “Not just childbirth,” she said. “All of it. I’m not ready to be a parent. I don’t know why I thought I could do this.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I’ve decided to give the baby up for adoption.”

  I felt like I’d just been punched in the gut. “Melody, no! Please don’t. You can do this, I promise. You can learn to be a mom. I’ll help you every step of the way.”

  “You know what, Trevor? You want this more than I do. From the first moment I told you I was pregnant, you were actually excited about the baby, instead of being scared for me. I tried to tell you a million times that I wasn’t ready, and all you kept saying was, ‘It’ll be fine, you can do this, I’ll help you.’ But it’s not going to be fine, Trev. There’s no freaking way on earth I can take care of a kid, so I’m giving it to someone who can.”

  “Please just take some time and think about this, Mel. What if you change your mind once you give the baby up? It’ll be too late then, you won’t be able to get him back!”

  “I’ve done nothing but think about this Trevor, for eight months!”

  “So your mind’s totally made up?”

  “I thought you’d be proud of me for doing the responsible thing,” Melody said, knitting her brows as she crossed her arms above her baby bump.

  A million arguments swirled in my head, but I realized if I said anything more this was going to turn into a huge fight. So instead I got up and said, “I have somewhere I need to be. You’re sticking around, right?”

  “Yeah. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “That reminds me. Bo Millen is in town looking for you, and he’s pissed. So maybe don’t go out for a stroll or anything.”

  “Do I and my watermelon feet look like we’re going for a stroll?”

  I sighed at that. A little giftwrapped box on the windowsill caught my attention and I went and picked it up, then handed it to her. “Happy eighteenth birthday, by the way. It might have been nice if you’d called me on my twenty-first. I’m pretty sure you knew when that was, since your birthday’s the day before.”

  “I’ve had a lot on my mind, Trevor.”

  I left the apartment without another word, and when I shut the door behind me I slid down the hallway wall and sat with my back against it. I was overwhelmed with a huge sense of loss, and at first I didn’t know why. Melody was making a mature decision, she was giving that child a better chance at life. I knew that.

  But still....

  I realized I’d gotten attached to that little person, to the baby I hadn’t even met yet. I’d known all along that Mel was way too immature to be a parent, and I’d sort of assumed I’d be the one taking care of that child for her, watching him grow up, nurturing him and giving him all the love and attention I never had. I felt like Melody was taking the baby away from me, which was crazy. It really didn’t have anything to do with me. It was her decision, and I had no right to feel this way.

  I got up and left the apartment building. It was one of those situations where, the more you tried not to think about something, the more life kept shoving it in your face. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon and families were out in force, babies and little kids everywhere I looked. When I passed the thrift shop where I’d spent weeks picking up baby clothes, I frowned at the big window display of children’s items. You’re being so stupid, I told myself.

  Eventually, I got to the bus stop and decided to head over to Vincent’s apartment, even though that would make me about three hours early for our date. I just really wanted to talk to him about this and maybe gain some perspective. I pulled my phone out of my pocket so I could give him a heads-up that I was coming over, but it was dead. I’d forgotten to bring the power cord to the beach house and it hadn’t been charged in days.

  *****

  The bus stop was a few blocks from Vincent’s apartment. When I rounded the corner onto his street, I immediately spotted him out in front of his building. He was arguing with a guy that had a thick, dark beard and a ratty leather jacket. Vincent had left the beach house really early this morning, saying there was someplace he needed to be, and I had gotten a ride back with Skye and River a few hours later. I’d assumed the lack of details meant the early departure had something to do with his clandestine business affairs.

  Vincent spotted me when I was about half a block away, and his entire demeanor changed instantly. He relaxed his defensive posture and held his hands up in a conceding gesture, saying something to the bearded man in a quiet tone of voice. The bearded guy stared at him for a moment. As I got a bit closer, I heard the man say, “What the hell’s going on with you, Dombruso? Your head’s not in the game lately.”

  “Whatever. You win, I’ll see you tonight,” Vincent said hurriedly.

  “Why do I feel like you’re suddenly a little too eager to get rid of me?” The man noticed Vincent glancing at me, and turned to watch me as I approached. “Who the hell’s this now?”

  “That’s none of your concern,” Vincent said.

  “Everything’s my concern.”

  I came to a stop a few feet from them and said, “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “What’s your name?” The bearded man demanded, his gaze piercing as he looked me up and down.

  Vincent got in the guy’s face and growled, “It doesn’t matter what his name is. I said I’ll be there tonight, so we’re done here.” He strode over to me and put a protective arm around my shoulders, then ushered me into his building. As we were crossing the lobby, I glanced behind me. The man was still standing outside the glass door, staring after us.

  When we reached the elevator, Vincent swiped a key card and pushed the button. As we waited I said, “Sorry to drop by unannounced. I was going to call, but my phone’s dead.”

  Vincent gathered me in his arms. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “You are? I obviously interrupted something.”

  “I’m always glad to see you. The fact that you chased Rooster away is a bonus.”

  “Rooster? Seriously?”

  “You can’t be a biker unless you have an awesome nickname,” Vincent said with a little smirk.

  When we were inside his apartment with the door locked behind us, he led me to the couch and dropped onto the leather upholstery, then pulled me onto his lap. “I missed you,” he said, hugging me to him.

  “I missed you too. Which means we’re both nuts, because it’s been about six hours.”

  He kissed me and said, “That’s a long time to go without touching you.” I swung around so I was straddling his lap and kissed him again, then wrapped my arms around him and put my head on his shoulder. Vincent held me tightly as he asked, “Are you okay?”

  “What made you ask that?”

  “There’s something in the way you’re holding me. What’s going on?”

  “That’s incredibly perceptive.”

  “You mean so much to me, Trevor. Of course
I’m going to be attuned to how you’re feeling.”

  I kept holding on to him as I told him the long story of my cousin and the baby, including the part about Bo Millen and his threats against Melody and me. “I really don’t have a right to feel disappointed,” I said. “She’s making a wise choice. I just...I already loved that little baby.”

  “So, why don’t you adopt him?”

  I sat up and looked at Vincent. “Who’d give custody of a child to a twenty-one-year-old busboy with thirty-four dollars in the bank?”

  “You’re a blood relative though, and that would actually give you priority in our legal system.”

  I thought about that for a while, then said, “I shouldn’t be selfish. It’s just like Melody said, she wants to give the child a better life. He should go to a two-parent, financially secure family....”

  “That doesn’t ensure a better life. Situations change. Couples split up, people lose their jobs, a million things could happen. There are absolutely no guarantees that whoever adopted the baby would be able to give them a better life than you would,” Vincent said. “When it comes right down to it, all kids really need is unconditional love. You’re the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, Trevor, and that child would be lucky to have you as his parent.”

  “That’s the best thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

  “It’s the truth.”

  “Melody says I’m always trying to save everyone. She says it like it’s a bad thing.”

  “Why would that be a bad thing?”

  “She says I do it instead of dealing with my own problems.”

  Vincent grinned a little. “Our families always have all sorts of opinions about us. I’ve found it’s best to take what they have to say with a big grain of salt.”

  I put my head back on his shoulder. “Do you really think I could do this? Do you think I could raise a child without totally messing him up?”

  “Why do you think you’d mess him up?”

  “Because I’m so young. Plus, I practically raised Melody, and look how she turned out.”

  Vincent smiled at that. “You can’t be held responsible for Melody. You’re only three years older than she is.”

  “I was kidding. Mostly. And it was mean of me to say that, she’s not a bad person. She’s just a little self-absorbed, but what teenager isn’t?”

  “I’ll bet you weren’t.” Vincent was rubbing my back gently as he held me. “I was, though. I was also continually wasted, from the age of about fifteen to nineteen. I put my family through hell. That’s why I feel like I owe them so much now.”

  I sat up and looked at him. “Whatever you’re involved in, all that stuff you can’t talk about...are you doing that for your family, Vincent?”

  “Yes, one hundred percent. I’m especially doing it for my brother Dante. He’ll see that someday. For now though, he’s just going to keep thinking I’m totally out of control, and there’s nothing I can do about that.”

  I mulled that over as I looked in his eyes and brushed his dark hair back from his handsome face. He added, “Speaking of business, the reason I was arguing with that guy was because you and I have plans tonight, but there’s something he needs me to do. I’ll have to cut our date short, even though I really don’t want to.”

  “So that guy Rooster calls the shots?” He nodded, and I said, “I see.”

  He changed the subject by saying, “Did you eat lunch today?”

  “No, but it’s okay.”

  Vincent frowned and said, “I hate that.”

  “What?”

  “The fact that you’re used to being hungry. Come on, I’ll fix you something.”

  I swung off his lap and he got up and led the way to the kitchen. There were two partially unpacked canvas shopping bags on the counter. He asked, “Do you feel like pasta?”

  “Anything’s fine. Don’t go to a lot of trouble.”

  “This is no trouble, and even if it were, you’re more than worth the effort.”

  He got a pot of water boiling, then pulled some ingredients from the bags and cupboards. I offered to help and we worked side-by-side, the quiet camaraderie between us such a comfort. Soon we were sitting down to steaming plates of pasta puttanesca.

  I ate part of my meal before venturing, “Do you ever think about having kids? I mean, I know this discussion is completely premature at this point in our relationship. But I was just wondering...you know, if I did adopt that baby, how would you feel about that? I mean, I’m not saying I expect you to co-parent with me. I just...you know....” I didn’t really know what I was trying to say, so I stopped talking and pushed some of the pasta around on my plate.

  “I love kids, but that’s not the real question here,” he said gently. “If you’re wondering whether I’m planning to stick around, the answer is yes.”

  “Okay,” I said softly.

  “You should know that this isn’t some random crush, not like the one I had on Hunter. I have real feelings for you, Trevor. I won’t make assumptions about whether you’ll want me long-term, but I will say this. If you decide to adopt that child, I’ll support you every step of the way, for as long as you want me to.”

  I looked up at him, then reached across the table and took his hand. “Thank you. I feel the same way about you, you know.”

  He grinned at me and picked up his fork with his free hand. “Finish your lunch, Trevor. I only have about five hours until I have to take off, and I want to spend as much of it as possible with you in my arms.” I grinned too and started eating again.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Over the next three weeks, Melody became increasingly moody. Slayer was on her mind a lot, and she’d mope and cry about how much she missed him, interspersed with complaining about him. I never knew if she was going to greet me with a smile or yell at me for some random reason. I figured this was probably the pregnancy hormones running amok, and I cut her a lot of slack.

  Within two days of returning to the city, she claimed she was too stir-crazy to hang out at the apartment so I ended up bringing her to work with me. Jamie and Dmitri were sweet and accommodating. They gave her the use of their office, where she parked herself on the couch with a little TV that they brought downstairs from their apartment for her. They told her she could have anything she wanted off the menu free of charge, and every time I went to check on her, she was eating.

  “I’m sorry,” I said to Dmitri one afternoon, after I’d cleared three empty plates out of the office and ran into him in the kitchen. “I know she’s totally taking advantage of your generosity, and I want you to deduct these meals from my paycheck.”

  “That’s not going to happen,” he said with a smile. “I’m glad she’s eating well. It’s good for both her and your baby.”

  Melody had balked at the idea of letting me adopt the child at first. She said she wanted the baby to go to a two-parent household, one with a lot of money and a big house. I’d made the argument that none of those things came with any guarantees. “With me, you know what the baby is getting,” I said. “You know I’ll love him or her with all my heart and do absolutely everything in my power to give this child the best life possible.”

  After thinking about it for a few days, she surprised me one morning by saying, “Okay.”

  “Okay?” I echoed.

  Melody said, “I think you were born to be a parent, Trevor. I mean, you’ve been taking care of me since we were little. You’re going to do a good job raising this kid. Besides, I really don’t like the idea of handing the baby over to total strangers. What if they only seem nice, but aren’t really? What if they’re mean to this kid? I know you’ll never be mean.”

  Part of me was afraid she’d change her mind, but I decided to trust her. I allowed myself to feel happiness and excitement, to start thinking of that little person as mine. Sure, part of me was anxious, too. I knew I was taking on the biggest responsibility of my life. I was enough of a realist to understand that I’d have to work ten times as h
ard to support a child, and I also knew I’d make mistakes. Every parent did, it was inevitable.

  But at the same time, I already loved that baby and was prepared to fully dedicate myself to his or her wellbeing. That part was remarkably easy, actually. From the moment Melody said yes, it was as if my whole universe shifted. All of a sudden, the baby became my entire focus. It was as if my life wasn’t about me anymore, it was about someone else. And it didn’t feel like a sacrifice at all. It just felt right.

  *****

  Over those same few weeks, Vincent and I spent as much time together as we could, although whatever he was working on was obviously putting a lot of pressure on him. Sometimes two or three days went by where all he could manage were sporadic phone calls. He’d apologize and tell me how much he missed me, and we’d make plans for a few stolen hours whenever he could get away.

  I met Vincent at his apartment one Friday afternoon after work, after three days of nothing but phone calls. As soon as he opened the door, he scooped me up in his arms and kissed me passionately, then hugged me for a long time. When he finally put me down and looked in my eyes, I could tell immediately that something was wrong. But before I could ask about it, he stuck a smile on his face and said, “It’s really nice out, do you feel like going for a walk?”

  “Sure.”

  We rode back down on the elevator and left the building hand-in-hand. Vincent led us toward the Embarcadero, a gentle breeze stirring our hair, the sun warm on our skin.

  “Something’s bothering you,” I said gently after a while.

  He grinned a little. “I used to be so good at keeping things hidden from people. But you always know when something’s wrong.”

  “Can you talk about it?”

  “Not really.”

  “Is there some way I can help?”

  “You are helping, just by being here. This is the best I’ve felt all week.”

  I squeezed his hand a little tighter. After a while I said, “I’m trying so hard not to pry. But it’s really tough when I know something’s bothering you.”