Now and Forever (1978)

by Steel, Danielle

  "He's worth it."

  The girl shrugged and waved at the bank of elevators. "You can go up to the jail now. We're all through." No. lady, I'm all through. That's different The clerk departed with a last snap of her gum and headed down a stairway.

  Jessica reached the jail a few moments later and had to ring a small buzzer to bring a guard to the door.

  "Yeah? It's not visiting time yet."

  "I'm here to bail out my husband."

  "What's his name?"

  "Ian Clarke." You know, the famous rapist "Yorktowne Bonding just called about it."

  "I'll check." Check? Check what? With the house, the business, and Mom's emerald ring on the line, you're going to check, mister? Well, screw you. And Yorktowne Bonding ... and Inspector Houghton ... and ... Ian too? She wasn't really sure anymore. She didn't know what she felt. She was angry at him, but not for what he had done, only for not being there when she needed him so badly.

  She waited at the door for almost half an hour, stupefied, dazed, leaning against the wall and hardly knowing why. What if she never saw him again? But suddenly the door opened and he stood there facing her. He was unshaven, bedraggled, filthy, and exhausted. But he was free. Everything she owned was riding on him now. And he was free. She sank slowly toward him with an unfamiliar whimpering sound, and he led her gently into the elevator.

  "It's all right, baby ... it's all right. Everything's going to be all right, Jess ... sshhhh ..." It was Ian. Actually, really, honestly Ian. And he held her so gently and almost carried her down to the car. She couldn't take any more and he knew it. He didn't know all the details of what had been happening, but when he saw the bail papers and noticed the mention of her mother's emerald ring, he understood much more than she could tell him.

  "It's okay, baby ... everything's going to be fine."

  She clutched him blindly as they stood beside the car, the tears streaming down her cheeks, her face in a rictus of shock and despair, the same little squeaking noises escaping from her between sobs.

  "Jessie ... baby ... I love you." He held her tightly, and then quietly drove her home.

  Chapter 9

  "What are you doing today, darling?"

  Jessie poured Ian a second cup of coffee at breakfast and glanced at the clock. It was almost nine and she hadn't been to the boutique for two days. She felt as though she had been gone for a month, existing in a kind of twilight zone all her own. A never-ending nightmare, but it was over now. Ian was home. She had spent most of the day before asleep in his arms. And he looked like Ian again. Clean, shaven, a little more rested. He was wearing gray slacks and a wine-colored turtleneck. Every time she looked at him she wanted to touch him to make sure he was real.

  "Are you going to write today?"

  "I don't know yet. I think I might just spend the day feeling good." But he didn't ask her to play hookey with him. He knew she had to work. She had done enough for him in the past few days. He couldn't ask for more.

  "I wish I could stay home with you." She looked at him wistfully over her coffee and he patted her hand.

  "I'll pick you up for lunch."

  "I have an idea. Why don't you hang around the boutique today?"

  He watched her eyes and knew what she was thinking. She had been like that for months after Jake had died. That terror that if he left her sight, he'd vanish.

  "You wouldn't get any work done, my love. But I'll be around. I'll be right here most of the time." But what about the rest of the time? She reached over and held his hand. Nothing was said. There was nothing to say. "I thought maybe I'd talk to a couple of people about work."

  "No!" She pulled back her hand and her eyes darted fire. "No, Ian! Please."

  "Jessica, be reasonable. Have you thought of what this disaster is costing us? Costing you, to be more exact? And this is as good a time as any to get a job. Nothing exotic, just something to bring a little money in."

  "And what happens when you have to start making court appearances? And during the trial? Just how much good do you think you'll be to anyone then?" She held tightly to his hand again and he saw the pain in her eyes. It was going to take months for the desperation to pass.

  "Well, what exactly do you expect me to do, Jess?"

  "Finish the book."

  "And let you pick up the tab for this mess?"

  She nodded. "We can straighten it out later, if you want to. But I don't really give a damn, Ian. What does it matter who signs the checks?"

  "It matters to me." It always has mattered, always will matter. But he knew, too, that he'd never be able to concentrate on anything while this was hanging over his head. The trial ... the trial ... it was all he could think of. While she had slept all those hours the previous afternoon, it had kept running through his mind ... the trial. He was in no frame of mind to get a job. "We'll see."

  "I love you." There were tears in her eyes again, and he tweaked the end of her nose.

  "If you get dewy-eyed on me once more, Mrs. Clarke, I'm going to drag you back to bed and really give you something to cry about." She laughed in response and poured some more coffee.

  "I just can't believe you're home. It was so incredibly awful while you were gone ... it was ... it was like ..." The words caught in her throat.

  "It was probably like peace and quiet for a change, and you were too silly to enjoy it. Hell, you didn't think I'd stay down there forever, did you? I mean, even for a writer that kind of living research gets stale after a while."

  "Jerk." But she was smiling now; she had nothing to fear.

  "Want me to drive you to work?"

  "As a matter of fact. I'd love it." She beamed as she put the cups in the sink and grabbed her orange suede coat off the back of a chair. She was wearing it over well-tailored jeans and a beige cashmere sweater. She looked like Jessie again--everywhere except around the eyes. She slid the dark glasses into place and smiled at him. "I think I'd better hang on to these for a couple of days. I still look like I've been on a two-week drunk."

  "You look beautiful and I love you." He pinched her behind as they headed out the front door, and she leaned backward to kiss him haphazardly over one shoulder. "You even smell nice."

  "Nothing but the best. Eau de Mille Pieds." She said it with a broad grin and he groaned.

  "Oh, for Chrissake." It was one of their oldest jokes. Water of a thousand feet.

  She pointed out Astrid's house to him on their way to the boutique, and told him about her visit to the shop.

  "She seems like a nice woman. Very quiet and pleasant."

  "Hell, I'd be quiet and pleasant too, with that kind of money."

  "Ian!" But she grinned at him and ran a hand through his hair. It felt so good to be sitting next to him again, to be looking at his profile as he drove, to feel the skin on his neck with her mouth as she kissed him. She had awakened a dozen times during the night to make sure he was still there.

  "I'll come by for you around twelve. Okay?"

  She looked at him for a moment before nodding. "You'll be here? For sure?"

  "Oh, baby ... I'll be here. Promise." He took her in his arms and she held him so tightly that it hurt. He knew she was thinking of the day he'd been arrested and hadn't shown up for lunch. "Be a big girl." She grinned and hopped out of the car and blew him a last kiss before running up the steps of the shop.

  Ian lit a cigarette as he drove away, and glanced over to look at the ships on the bay. It was a beautiful day. Indian summer was passing, and it was not as warm as it had been a few days before, but the sky was a bright blue and there was a gentle breeze. It made him think back to that day five days before. It felt like five years before. He still couldn't understand it.

  He paused at a stop sign, and another thought came to mind. The emerald ring Jessie had put up as bail. It still astounded him. He knew how she felt about her mother's things. She wouldn't even wear them. They were sacred, the last relics of a long-demolished shrine. And that ring meant more to her than any of the other p
ieces. He had watched her slip it on her finger once while her hand trembled out of control. She had put the ring back in the case, and never gone to the vault again. And now she had turned it over to a bailbondsman, for him. It told him something that nothing else ever had. It was crazy, but he felt as though he loved her more than he had before all this had begun, and maybe Jessie had learned something too. Maybe they knew what they had now. Maybe they'd take better care of it. He knew one thing. His days of discreet interludes were over. Forever. All of a sudden he had a wife. More of a wife than he had ever known he had. What more could he want? A child, perhaps, but he had resigned himself to the absence of children. He was happy enough with just Jessie.

  "Morning, ladies." Jessie strolled into the store with a quiet smile on her face. And Katsuko looked up from the desk.

  "Well, look who's here. And on a Saturday, yet. We were beginning to think you'd found a better job."

  "No such luck."

  "Is everything okay?"

  "Yes. Everything's okay." Jessica nodded slowly and Katsuko knew that it was. Jessie was herself again.

  "I'm glad." Katsuko handed her a cup of coffee and Jessie perched on the corner of the chrome-and-glass desk.

  "Where's Zina?"

  "In the back, checking the stock. Mrs. Bonner came back looking for you yesterday. She bought one of the new wine velvet skirts."

  "It must have looked great on her. Did she try it with the cream satin shirt?"

  "Yup. Bought them both, and the new green velvet pantsuit. That lady must have money burning holes in her pockets." Yeah. And loneliness burning holes in her heart. Jessie had had a taste of it now. She knew.

  "She'll be back," Katsuko added.

  "I hope so. Even if she doesn't buy. I like her. Anything taking shape for the fashion show?"

  "I had a few ideas yesterday, Jessie. I made some notes and left them on your desk."

  "I'll go take a look." She stretched lazily and wandered toward her office, carrying her coffee. It was a slow morning, and she felt as if she had come back after a very long absence, a long illness maybe. She felt slow and careful and frail. And everything looked suddenly different. The shop looked so sweet, the two girls so pretty ... Ian so beautiful ... the sky so blue ... everything seemed better and more.

  She read her mail, paid some bills, changed the window, and discussed the fashion show with Katsuko while Zina waited on customers. The morning sped by, and Ian was there five minutes before noon. With an armload of roses. The delicate salmon ones Jessie loved best.

  "Ian! They're fabulous!" There were about three dozen, and she could see an awkward square lump in his jacket pocket. He was spoiling her and she loved it. He smiled at her and headed toward her office.

  "Can I see you for a minute, Mrs. Clarke?"

  "Yes, sir. For three dozen roses you can see me for several weeks!" The two girls laughed and Jessie followed Ian into her office. He closed the door gently and grinned at her.

  "Have a nice morning?"

  "You brought me back to this secluded spot to ask me if I had a nice morning?" He was grinning and she was starting to giggle. "Come on, tell the truth. Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

  "What?"

  "The surprise you bought me, of course."

  "What surprise? I buy you roses and you want more! You greedy spoiled miserable ..." But he was looking too pleased with himself to convince even Jessie. "Oh ... here." He pulled the box out of his pocket and grinned from ear to ear. It was a solid chunk of gold bracelet; inside it was engraved ALL MY LOVE, IAN. He had literally stood over the jewelers all morning while they did the engraving. It was no time to spend money, but he'd known that she needed something like that, and it had suddenly come to him as he'd sat down to work. It was a beautiful bracelet, and the proportions were just right for her hand. It had cost him the last of his private savings.

  "Oh, darling ... it's beautiful." She slipped it onto her wrist and it held there. "Wow. It's just perfect! Oh Ian ... you're crazy!"

  "I happen to be madly in love with you."

  "I'm beginning to think you struck oil, too. You spent a fortune this morning." But there was no edge to her voice, only pleasure, and Ian shrugged. "Wait till I show the girls!" She planted a kiss on the corner of his mouth, opened the door, and bumped into Zina, who was walking past to the stockroom. "Look at my bracelet!"

  "My, my! Does that mean you're engaged to the handsome man with the roses?" She giggled and winked at Ian.

  "Oh, shut up. Isn't it super?"

  "It's gorgeous. And all I want to know is where you find another one like him."

  "Try Central Casting." Ian looked over Jessie's shoulder with a grin.

  "I might just do that." Zina disappeared into the stockroom, and, with a look of victory, Jessie showed her new bracelet to Katsuko. A few minutes later, she and Ian were on their way out the door to lunch.

  "Boy, I love my bracelet!" She was like a child with a new toy, and held up her arm to look at it in the sunlight. "Darling, it's just gorgeous! And how did you get them to engrave it so fast?"

  "At gunpoint, of course. How else?"

  "Oh, for Chrissake ... you know, you really have a lot of class."

  "For a rapist." But he was smiling when he said it.

  "Ian!"

  "Yes, my love?" He kissed her and she laughed as she got into the car. He had more style than any man she knew.

  They went to the movies that night, and slept late on Sunday morning. It was another warm blue day, with puffy, pasted-on-looking clouds that rolled along high in the sky, looking like painted scenery.

  "Want to go to the beach, Mrs. Clarke?" He stretched lazily on his side of the bed and then reached over and kissed her. She liked the feel of his beard stubble against her cheek. It was rough but it didn't quite hurt.

  "I'd love to. What time is it?"

  "Almost noon."

  "You're lying. It must be nine."

  "I am not. Open your eyes and take a look."

  "I can't. I'm still asleep."

  But he nibbled her neck and made her laugh and her eyes flew open.

  "Stop that!"

  "I will not. Get up and make me breakfast."

  "Slave driver. Haven't you ever heard of women's lib?" She lay on her back sleepily and yawned.

  "What's that?"

  "Women's lib. It says husbands have to cook breakfast on Sunday ... but ... on the other hand." She looked at her bracelet again with a broad smile. "It doesn't say you have to give your wife such gorgeous jewelry. So maybe I'll make you breakfast."

  "Beulah Big Heart, don't knock yourself out."

  "I won't. Fried eggs okay?" She lit a cigarette and sat up.

  "I have a better idea."

  "The Fairmont for brunch?" She grinned at him and flashed the bracelet again.

  "No. I'll help. You're too busy waving your bracelet at me to make us a decent breakfast anyway. How about a smoked-oyster-and-cheese omelette?" He looked enchanted with the combination and Jessie made a terrible face.

  "Yerchk! Can we skip the smoked oysters?"

  "Why not skip the cheese?"

  "How about skipping the omelette?"

  "The Fairmont for breakfast, then?"

  "Ian, you're crazy ... but I love you." She nibbled at his thigh and he ran a hand down the smoothness of her spine.

  It was another hour before they got out of bed. Even their lovemaking was different now. There was an odd combination of desperation and gratitude, of "Oh God, I love you" mixed with "Let's pretend everything's better than normal." It wasn't, but the pretense helped. A little. Their motors were still racing a little too fast.

  "Are we or are we not going to the beach today?" He sat up in bed, his blond hair tousled like a boy's.

  "Sounds fine to me, but I still haven't been fed yet."

  "Aww ... poor baby. You didn't want my smoked-oyster omelette."

  She tugged at a lock of his hair. "I prefer what I got instead."

  "Shame
on you."

  She stuck out her tongue at him, got out of bed, and headed for the kitchen.

  "Where are you going bare-assed like that?"

  "To the kitchen, to make breakfast. Any objection?"

  "Nope. Need a voyeur on hand?"

  A minute later she heard the garden door slam and then saw him reappear in the kitchen, wearing a blanket around his waist and carrying a mixed bouquet of her petunias.

  "For the lady of the house."

  "Sorry, she's out. Can I have them instead?" She kissed him gently and took the flowers from his hand and set them down on the drainboard as he took her into his arms and let the blanket fall to the floor.

  "Darling, I happen to love you madly, but if you don't stop, the bacon will burn and we'll never get to the beach."

  "Do you care?" They were both smiling and the bacon was splattering furiously while the eggs began to bubble.

  "No. But we might as well eat while it's ready. Damn." He patted her behind and she turned off the flame and served scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, orange juice and coffee. Still naked, they sat down to breakfast.

  They didn't get to the beach until almost three, but it was still a beautiful day and the sun stayed warm until six. They had a fish dinner in Sausalito on the way home, and he bought her a silly little dog made out of seashells.

  "I love it. Now I feel like a tourist."

  "I thought you should have something really expensive to remember this evening with." They were in high spirits as they crossed the bridge going home, but his words struck her oddly. Suddenly they were buying souvenirs and clutching at memories.

  "Hey, sweetheart, how's the book coming?"

  "Better than I want to admit. Don't ask me yet."

  "For real?"

  "For real."

  She looked at him, pleased. He looked almost proud of himself and a little bit afraid to be.

  "Have you sent any of it to your agent yet?"

  "No, I want to wait till I finish a few more chapters before I do that. But I think this one is good. Maybe even very good." He said it with a solemnity that touched her. He hadn't sounded like that about his work in years. Not since the fables, and they had been very good. Not very profitable, but definitely good. The critics had certainly agreed, even if the public hadn't.