A Sky Full of Secrets

by Briana Pacheco

  How hard can this be?

  My brain finally starts to catch up. What if she starts getting the wrong idea? Sure, she’s making up the rules but she can just as easily start feeling something for me. I don’t know if that’s wise, considering we live together. And if more does happen, it can ruin the vibe around here. I don’t want to hurt her if feelings do get involved. I kind of just want to have some fun right now. I want to try out the whole ‘fuck buddies’ with a girl my best friend trusts. “What about you? If you start feeling something, you’ll get out of this deal?”

  Luna’s brows furrow and she makes this cute pout that makes me want to kiss her lips then fuck her mouth.

  “Feelings? Me?” She chuckles and slides down my body until she’s reaching for a condom on her nightstand. “Mac and my exes tried and failed to make that happen. Trust me, you have nothing to worry about. This heart of mine is only good to pump blood through my veins and keep me alive. It doesn’t have the strength to let someone else in.”

  That is…one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. Mostly because I am a romantic at heart. This beautiful woman will never open herself up to love someone. To be loved. It’s truly sad.

  Damn, I’d say more about this but I’ve got a naked chick on me.

  “So?” Luna rips the foil packet open and eyes my dick, pleased that he’s ready and willing. I’d be disappointed if he wasn’t.

  “Deal. Do you want a pinky promise or some shit?”

  “Pinky promise? You’re not Mac. Seal the deal with your cock.”

  I chuckle realizing how serious she is. “MacKay was right. You’re obsessed with cock.”

  Luna puts the condom on me and fuck if it isn’t one of the hottest things I’ve seen. “You know, you’re hot and know how to fuck but you ruin everything when you open your mouth.”

  “Yeah, tell me that when I have you coming on my tongue again.”

  “Keep it up and the only cum you’ll be tasting is your own when you have to suck your own dick.”

  Jesus Christ. This girl…I can’t even right now.

  Luna settles herself over me and takes me in slowly, making me have to think of boring baseball facts instead of how tight and warm she is just so I don’t cum within the first five seconds of being inside of her.

  ***

  MacKay stares at Luna’s back while she turns a lump of clay into a sphere, carefully making a hole in the middle with her thumb. He shifts his eyes to me and I shrug. I don’t know what her deal is. After work, she got into my car, slammed the car door shut, and hasn’t said a word in hours.

  It’s been almost a week since we made our sex deal and we haven’t had any form of sex. Which I’m okay with because I thought after our night together, she’d be less…Luna around me, but I haven’t seen any changes. She’s still the girl who refuses to claim counter space in the bathroom, the girl who never leaves a mess after she’s done doing something, and the girl who hides behind the hair when people are around. Including me.

  I didn’t say anything about her leaving her ‘ears’ on during sex. If that’s how she likes it, then I’m all for it, but I thought she’d be comfortable enough to throw her hair up the morning after and not hide a big part of who she is.

  She’s only one hundred percent comfortable around MacKay and his family. I see the change in her when they video chat almost every night before bed.

  It’s like Luna goes to sleep one person and wakes up being another.

  It’s frustrating.

  If you lived with other people, you’d want all of them to feel comfortable in their own skin, wouldn’t you?

  “Hey, Lu?” MacKay steps up and touches her shoulder, causing her to stop the pottery machine. “Did something happen today?”

  I stand behind them, feeling like an intruder. MacKay wants me to stay because in his eyes, we’re all close and share personal stories. His Luna is clearly different to the Luna I see and talk to.

  Luna scoots the stool back and stands. Wet clay drips from her hands onto the floor even though she’s clutching a towel. The urge to grab a mop and clean it up before it hardens runs through me. I don’t know why I’m a clean freak, well besides living with my sisters. I just need to be in a clean, organized environment. Mom made sure we did our chores right or we couldn’t go to the park and play. I didn’t care about the park. I wanted to be done with everything so I could head to the backyard and stare at the stars. Lying on the grass and trying to find a comfortable spot meant I’d bring in the most dirt with my adventures.

  Luna whispers something, dropping the towel on her stool. MacKay can’t hear it so he asks her to repeat what she said. So she does. “I’m tired of being me.”

  MacKay’s head snaps up like she slapped him.

  “I’m tired of being talked to like a child. I’m tired of wanting my family to treat me like I’m normal. I’m fucking tired of being sad all the time. I’m just tired of being tired.” Luna drops her head in her hands. “I’d rather not hear anything at all than be reminded of all the hurtful things I hear.”

  MacKay tilts her chin up. I’m close enough to see the tears running down her cheeks. All my life, I’ve never turned my back on a crying chick and I don’t plan on starting now. My feet move until all three of us form a small triangle.

  Luna shifts her eyes to me, brown orbs full of sadness and desolation. It’s the first time she’s shown me something other than curiosity, annoyance, and the face she makes before she orgasms. Before I can lose her, I lift my hands and pray to God that I don’t fuck this up. I sign, Do you want to go see the stars?

  MacKay was the one to teach me that last week just in case I ever wanted Luna to tag along when I want to escape on the roof. Sometimes when you’re having a long day and you want to quit your job, you need something to look up to. The stars will always be there.

  Luna stares at me, bewildered. I don’t know why though. I’ve signed to her before and I will continue to learn if that makes her feel better. When MacKay first told me that Luna was deaf, I had no problem with it. We never met and there was zero chance of running into each other because we were on opposite sides of the country. But then she moved in, shifting plans, and I felt like I should at least learn some sign language. I’m not going to live in a house where I can’t communicate with a person.

  It’s like a foreigner coming into America or vise versa. That person speaks a certain way and feels lost when no one around them can understand them. Having at least some knowledge of what they say is better than knowing nothing at all.

  MacKay nods until Luna feels pressured and does the same. They look at each other, MacKay chuckling as he wipes clay from Luna’s face with his thumbs, and Luna falls against his chest, clinging to him like he’s her next breath. For two people who refuse to be together, they sure act like they want to be.

  Luna detaches herself from her best friend, my best friend, and walks over to me with semi wet clay-covered hands. I stare at those hands and I do nothing as they touch my face, fall to my neck, and ruin my shirt.

  “You want a mess,” Luna mentions, softly. “Here I am.”

  Finally! I want to see what horrors she can create.

  MacKay looks down at his shirt and doesn’t even frown at the small handprints covering his chest. As long as those handprints don’t end up on the walls or stain the couch, I don’t have to worry about–

  “Let’s see how many walls I can ruin before he throws me in the shower.”

  Luna runs past me and darts up the stairs, all while sticking her tongue out at me. It doesn’t even faze me how fast Luna’s emotions pass. This playful Luna seems fun to get to know.

  So there’s only one thing I can do at this point.

  I chase her.

  Chapter Ten

  Luna

  There’s only so much self-restraint a person can have. I went to work happy just like every day and then I had to answer my fucking phone on my break. I ignored the first three calls from my mom but by the f
orth one, I answered and she ruined my mood. She wanted to let me know that Dad is thinking of moving out of the house and she’s really depressed over how tired Wrigley is getting. My first thought, ‘who the fuck cares.’ Wrigley’s probably tired from all their problems. My second thought, ‘she called me. For this.’ My mother, who knows I hate answering calls that are not important, called me to whine about her dog and then bitch me out for calling Wrigley a dog.

  My dad should keep him if I’m being honest. He’s his favorite. Dad spoils him rotten and takes him out on runs every week. Mom cuts the walks short and pulls his leash harder than she needs to when Wrigley passes the donut shop near their house. And from what I’ve witnessed, Dad says more words to Wrigley than he says to Mom in a week.

  They should have never spent their money on that trip to Italy. Mom says they didn’t feel like strangling each other for two whole days after they returned. Ever since then, Mom suspects Dad is talking to another woman. They don’t speak to each other so her suspicions can’t be confirmed.

  My parents’ marriage is bullshit. The home they bought for a family is now to house two people who would bury each other in the backyard if they could.

  Love is a disease and it baffles me how easily people get infected.

  I compare love to a zombie outbreak; one bite from the infected and a person’s life is changed (just pray that you don’t bite someone else!) until someone pulls the trigger.

  I wish people would stop saying those three stupid words to one another. Every day I see couples look at each other like they can’t spend one more second without the other. Days, weeks, years later, and that same couple won’t even be looking at the other anymore. They’ll do their own thing, get annoyed by the other not doing what they ask, and go to bed with their backs to each other.

  Love ruins people. It sure as fuck ruined me. But I never loved Wren. It was more of an infatuation.

  When everything went south with Wren, the last few words he said stayed with me; I’m not having a kid with you. He was embarrassed by me, and my stupid brain decided to think about it. Constantly.

  I was never enough for anybody except Mac and of course I screwed that up.

  Love and I, we’re on opposite sides of the galaxy. I’m pretty sure that bitch is hiding in a black hole to avoid me.

  “Luna, don’t you fucking dare think of going into my room like that!” Phoenix shouts from the top step of the staircase.

  I stop in front of his bedroom and look back at him with a smirk.

  If I could redo my day, I’d skip the morning and hit play on the moment Phoenix showed up at the hotel to pick me up. He had one of my favorite songs playing and I don’t even think he knew. I was pissed because of everything my mom said, but in those three minutes of hearing Sia sing about swinging from a chandelier, my brain stopped overthinking things, letting words fade out until they were nothing.

  I have a lot of sex because no one will ever get more from me.

  I know I will never be someone’s wife or someone’s mother.

  I know I am a disappointment to my family because I’m not like them.

  And I sure as shit know that Wrigley is loved more than I ever was. He actually listens to my parents. So, when my mother says, ‘I wish you’d listen to me’ every bone in my body turns into Jell-O and I feel like disappearing. Because that’s all I want from her.

  I wish I could tell her that the day I moved from Rhode Island to California for college, I prayed she’d hug me really hard and beg me to choose a closer school. I want to tell her that she broke my heart when she stayed in the car and had Dad walk me into the airport by himself. I want to tell her that she’s a shitty mother but I love her regardless because I always think back to the day I got my sound processors, and she said ‘I love you’ over and over again, hugging and kissing me all the way to the car, never making me feel like there was something wrong with me because my lisp still hadn’t gone away. She was so happy. What happened to that person? I’d give anything to have her back.

  I block out my day like it means nothing and I step into Phoenix’s room. I won’t ruin anything. I just want to have a little fun and see some stars.

  When I moved in, Mac told me the only easy way to get on the roof is through Phoenix’s window; he picked the room because of it. I have yet to go in there and test that theory. I want to do it now.

  Arms are around my stomach, pulling me back into a hard body. “Ow.”

  “Sorry.” Phoenix loosens his grip but doesn’t let me go. He turns me to the right and walks into the bathroom, securing me in the shower.

  I cross my arms over my chest, not planning on turning the water on. “You promised me stars.”

  “You’re not going through my window covered in clay. It’ll be a bitch to clean.” He steps into the shower with me and reaches for the handle.

  Before Phoenix turns the water on, I grab his forearm with one hand, bringing my other to my ear. I hear the squeak of the handle and within a millisecond, water is spraying down on me. With the most serious face I can make, I blurt, “these aren’t waterproof!” He doesn’t know that they actually are. And then I collapse and my body starts convulsing like I was just electrocuted.

  “Ohmygod! Luna! Luna, what the fuck did I just do?! Mackenzie!” Phoenix yells for Mac, shutting the water off in record speed. “Holy fuck. MACKAY!”

  I’m going to hell for doing this but I saw an opportunity and I took it.

  “I’m so sorry!” Phoenix grabs me and wipes wet hair from my face, bringing my body into his lap. I try really hard to keep my eyes closed and pretend I’m dead but I just can’t because I’m replaying the look of sheer horror on his face the second water touched my head. “I’m so fucking sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t…I…are you…are you laughing?”

  I crack an eye open and find Phoenix staring down at me with slits for eyes. Water droplets run down his face, onto mine. Most of the clay is washed from his face but little specks remain. His body shakes underneath mine, and my smile disappears because he’s furious and scared and not smiling. “I didn’t mean to scare you that badly.”

  “I thought I fucking killed you!”

  I look off to the side and try to sit up but once again, Phoenix doesn’t let me go.

  “That was not okay, Luna. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “I-I’m sorry.” I know that was wrong to do but it seemed like something we’d laugh at later. I did it to Mac once. We ended up laughing our asses off on the shower floor because he knew I was full of shit. “I told you I was a screwed up person.”

  Mac comes into eyesight, looking down at us, worried. “What the hell happened? You were screaming like a murderer was up here.”

  Phoenix shakes his head then looks up. I feel the tension leave his body, and I’m curious as to what he’ll do next. I don’t dare move. I’m comfortable lying in his lap like a ragdoll at the moment. “She scared the shit out of me.”

  “Okay…but why are you both in the shower. With clothes on?”

  “I pretended to get electrocuted. Remember when I did that with you?”

  Mac’s eyebrows rise and he bites his lip, most definitely thinking of that time. “Probably should have warned you about that,” he mentions to Phoenix. “I just never thought this would happen. You two. In the shower. Jumping into a pool, yeah, but not…this.”

  “Uh, yeah.” Phoenix finally lets me go and he stands, helping me up. “She wouldn’t turn the water on.”

  “I’m really sorry, Phoenix. I didn’t think you’d freak out like this.”

  He captures my unsteady gaze. “Do you know what MacKay would do to me if I killed you?” He pulls on his wet shirt. “He’d run me over with my own car, backing up and hitting me again to make sure I’m dead. I feared for my own life more than your own.” Uhhh… His lips kick up into a smile and he pulls me against him. “Don’t ever fucking do that again. I don’t want to die.”

  I laugh into his chest, and this unfam
iliar warmth consumes my body. I’ve never really hugged him before and it’s new. Weird. Comforting.

  “I promise. Now can I see the stars or are you keeping them for yourself?”

  “You’ll see the stars after you wash off the remaining clay. I’m serious.”

  He pulls back and grabs a towel from the back of the bathroom door. When he sets it near the shower, his eyes look darker; his dark eyelashes making them hard to look away. “I didn’t mean anything I said from the time you collapsed until the time MacKay showed up. I want you to know that. There’s nothing wrong with you. I just said that shit because you scared me.”

  I nod, reaching for my left ear’s sound processor. “I intended to get clay everywhere, in case you were wondering.” I remove the right ear, and I’m left in complete silence. I start the shower, look back to make sure they both left and then I undress, making a note-to-self to grab a mop and clean up any clay I left behind.

  I don’t want Phoenix to have a brain aneurysm.

  ***

  Phoenix’s room is exactly how I pictured it. The bed is made (corners tucked in), and his desk is spotless with color-coded files piled up in a neat stack beside his iMac. The walls are bare except for a cork bulletin board hanging on the wall by his computer. There’s a telescope by the window closest to his bed.

  Phoenix isn’t in here. I take a few steps toward his desk and am just about to see what he has pinned to the board when he pops his head in from an open window, startling me. “Ready?”

  I pull on the hem of my stripped light gray knit sweater and walk toward him. Mac decided to ditch me to clean up my mess. I told him I’d clean up but he shoved me into Phoenix’s room and closed the door behind me. He’s afraid of heights so I didn’t really think he’d join us if we were actually going onto the roof.