She jerks so fast she almost hits the laptop off the bed. “Jesus!” She squints at me, clutching the sheet up to her chest. “What the hell?!” Her eyes jump to the laptop and she slams the top closed. “How long were you standing there?”
Now that we’re in complete darkness, there is no way to answer her. I walk toward the wall and flip the light switch then make my way back to her. “Loki summoned me,” I answer. I look down at her with heavy-lidded eyes. Her chest rises and falls rapidly, partly due to being turned on and being scared half to death. “Mind if I hop in?”
Her eyes widen. “Yes! Go away.”
“Even if I promise an orgasm or two?” That does it because she looks me up and down, her eyes staying on my erection a beat longer. Please put your hands or mouth on my dick. I’ll take either. Both work. I just need you to touch me.
“I, um…I have…something in so…we’re not…no real sex.” She looks slightly frightened, like I might be turned off by that. Hell no, I’m not. It’s not a woman’s fault that her body has to do things.
I nod once then crawl up her body and crash my mouth against hers, wrapping an arm under her thigh to push her up the bed. I settle in-between her legs and groan when she lifts her hips and grinds against me. She takes my hand and slips it under her tank top, squeezing her breast with her hand on top of mine. “My boobs hurt but squeeze this hard and…” I run my thumb over her nipple before I drop my head down and take it into my mouth. “Yeah. That. Do that,” she pants softly.
Her free hand runs down my chest, her nails scratching lightly against my skin. She hooks her fingers under the waistband of my boxers and tugs, letting me out. The second her soft hand wraps around my cock, I think of star names, but that doesn’t do anything except make me think of moons. Of Luna.
“Touch me,” she pleads.
I try everything to keep my shit together so I don’t blow it. Pun intended.
***
Waking up to a soft leg rubbing against your own shouldn’t feel strange but it is. Because it’s Luna’s leg. Luna who hates having someone in her bed that’s why we’re always in mine. Luna who is gone by the time the sun is out because she doesn’t cuddle.
Sleeping Luna seems to like being next to me. Having her warm body beside me, feels good. And I don’t want it to end just yet. I keep my eyes closed and leave my arm draped over her hip. Now, if she could shift a little closer, her tits would press against my chest, and it’ll feel even better.
Yes, I am a boob man.
Loki must be on the bed because there’s movement then a dog whimper and then Luna is shifting closer to me. Her head rests on my chest, her hand splayed over my heart.
I hope that bastard can keep his cool and not go wild. Last thing I need is for Luna to be concerned over why my heart wants out of my chest from the slightest touch of her fingers.
I just really fucking love cuddles, all right. There I said it.
A few minutes later, I hear Mackenzie walk out of his room then his footsteps stop. The beating of my heart slows like it knows that this moment will end because I know he’s standing by the door, watching us.
His footsteps start up again as Luna’s bedroom door creaks open slowly. “Phoenix.” If you ignore him, he’ll go away, right? “Take her out for coffee, okay? It’s beautiful out. She’ll like the bakery on Broadway instead of down the street. Outdoor seating and there’s plants.”
My eyes open as I lift my head to see him.
“Don’t talk. You’ll wake her up from the vibrations.” He nods at Luna’s head on my chest. “Don’t hurt her. Whatever this turns into, just don’t hurt her.” He looks at Luna and a small smile tugs on his lips before he turns and walks down the hall, leaving me questioning what this is.
Because it’s just sex.
Right…?
The moment someone questions the whole ‘just sex’ thing, it always turns into more. You constantly wonder if you’re doing something that will change it all. It can be one word, one action, one look.
Now that I think of it…
Fuck!
Relationships are my thing. I’ve never not been in one. And I’m doing everything I do when I’m in one. I cook Luna breakfast most days and add the eggs because I want her to ask me to join her so I can have a few extra minutes with her. I’ll find a way to touch her, our eyes never breaking away. I try my hardest to make her laugh with stupid jokes. Most times, they work. I slap her ass when I hold doors open for her and she walks by me. The sexy smirk on her lips makes me do it even more. I also pick daffodils from a neighbor’s yard so I can give them to her when she’s home from work just because. The neighbor was nice about that one; the woman’s husband had three tied up together, waiting for me to pick them up when I walked by the other night. There was a note that said, ‘she must be special! Please stop picking them.’ I decided to stop because Luna said she feels bad that I’m killing them.
I’m just labeling it all as doing it because we’re fucking and I’m nice.
What the hell am I going to do now? I can’t stop thinking about it.
Chapter Nineteen
Luna
I don’t like having people in my bed after sex. It’s suffocating. It’s too intimate. It’s not me. But when I feel Phoenix’s heart beating underneath my hand, I can’t seem to wake up and kick him out. He only stayed the night because he said Loki stopped barking once he walked into my room.
When I dated Mac, I once put my ear over his heart and wished for the tiniest bit of hope that I could somehow hear it beat. Just having that small thing to hold on to would have been the best thing for me to have. It didn’t happen and I was left disappointed.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was forced to listen to the heartbeat until I switched my sound processors off and stared at the ceiling in shock. I went to see my doctor for the excessive cramps I was having, and the bomb was dropped.
Wren was in the room with me because I didn’t want to be alone while in pain. He took it upon himself and told the doctor that I was a moody bitch most days and my boobs were really sensitive, too. I blamed it all on my period.
Wren paled when the doctor asked if being pregnant was a possibility.
“We had sex a few times but…um, the condom broke twice,” I said looking at Wren. “My periods are normal though.”
My doctor, being the professional she is, told Wren to wait outside when she saw the confusion on my face. I told her about Mac, and she brought in the ultrasound machine when the blood test came back positive.
I heard a heartbeat that Mac and I created.
I heard a life.
And then I silenced it because I was confused and hurt and felt so alone. I didn’t want to bring someone into this messed up world. Who would? We have people going crazy and killing each other left and right. The world is going to shit. Like hell I was going to make a child suffer.
I ended a life…
I slip my hand off of Phoenix’s chest like he burned me.
I don’t want to feel anything. Not right now. Whenever I think of what I did, it hurts. I was so scared and angry that day. I did what my mind was telling me to do and I didn’t listen to my heart. I did what was right for me. But it still feels so wrong.
I grab the light purple sheet covering my body and clutch it against my chest as I turn around.
Phoenix’s hand falls from my body and I instantly feel cold. I shouldn’t have gotten used to his warmth anyways. He shouldn’t still be in my bed.
Loki lifts his head up then strides over to me, rubbing his face against my chin. I stare at my little puppy with sad eyes. “Why do you like me?” He is seriously attached and it makes me feel wanted and loved. I don’t deserve this kind of love because of what I did. Because of who I am.
I’m a horrible person, no matter how many times Mac tries to say otherwise.
I wrap my arms around Loki and try not to cry as I close my eyes again.
The tears come out slowly seconds later when I
feel Phoenix against my back, his hand slipping around me, almost cupping my breast. His scruffy jaw scratches the back of my neck as his nose gets lost in my hair.
He does this almost every time after sex. I lay there until he falls asleep and then I leave because it’s too much. Phoenix is too much sometimes. He’s rough when I need him and then sweet when I don’t, and it makes me feel bad. He’s a person and it’s normal to want to hold someone. That someone just can’t be me.
Right now though, I do something I never do. I sink against his body and I don’t think about his arm around me because then my mind will get the best of me and I’ll think this is something we can do all the time.
Cuddles turn into more. They always do.
I don’t mind cuddles that get my boobs rubbed on because those turn into a cuddlefuck. Which everyone knows are the best cuddles.
I know I have a problem, okay. I use sex to fix things or keep them out of my mind. Some would say I’m addicted to sex but trust me, I know when to stop. It helps and as long as it doesn’t hurt me, I’ll continue to use it as my go-to problem solver.
Sleep overcomes me for some time before I’m being woken up by a gentle caress down my arm. My eyes crack open, and I see Phoenix sitting on the edge of my bed, his hand on my arm, fingers tapping my skin.
He’s fully dressed in a clean t-shirt and jeans, his face freshly shaven. He looks down at me with a sweet smile and a gleam in his eyes. He lifts his hands and signs, Do you want to go grab coffee with me?
“Not really.” It’s Sunday. I have nothing to do. Why can’t I sleep until I have to wake up for work tomorrow? I know I’m boring and have no life but some days you just need to sleep all day.
His lips drop and he narrows his eyes. “Get up.”
“Make me.”
That gleam in his eyes turns into mischief and I instantly wish I could take back those words because he rips the sheet off my body, and throws me over his shoulder. And my god, does my body react to being against all his hard muscles.
I’m in nothing but my underwear. Phoenix walks over to my dresser and grabs the first pieces of clothing he can find. He walks out of my room, Loki following us with an interested look. I peek into Mac’s room, and find both his bed and room empty. He’s been gone a lot lately. The last few days I’ve rarely even see him. Well, I am hiding in the basement but he hasn’t come down to keep me company like usual.
Phoenix drops me in the bathroom, making Mac and his absence something to deal with for another time. He tries to sign something but he looks unsure that he’s signing the right words. He looks at me sheepishly and I watch his lips move, “Don’t ditch me. I’ll be in the car.”
It’s the look he’s giving me that makes me nod without hesitation.
His smile returns and he reaches behind me to squeeze my ass, the mischievous look still present. “Leave your hair up.”
“Okay,” I sigh.
By the time his back is to me and I close the bathroom door to take a quick shower, I see a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I’m smiling. Full on smiling from cheek to cheek and I have a twinkle in my eyes.
Oh fuck, I’ve gone soft.
It was the damn cuddling!
***
After my shower, I change into a tank top that has AWWW SHIT written on the front, and black shorts that Phoenix so nicely grabbed for me. I get into Phoenix’s car with Loki on my lap. “Is it okay if he comes, too? I don’t want to leave him here alone.” I have a bad memory of being locked in a room for long hours and I don’t want to do that to Loki. I know he’ll have freedom throughout the house but he likes me and he cries when I try to leave him behind. It’s so sad.
The first thing Phoenix notices is that I’m braless. I shrug my shoulders because if I’m being honest, my C cups look fan-fucking-tastic right now. “You didn’t grab me a bra.”
His eyes shift lower, turning a darker green.
“I grabbed underwear you perv. I didn’t feel like putting on a bra.”
“Well, I’m just glad you came out and didn’t leave me hanging. And Loki’s fine.” He slips on his sunglasses. I didn’t think he could get any better looking but obviously I was wrong. He still surprises me with his good looks.
How does someone like him even want to be around me? He can sleep with anyone and he chooses the chick that hides her sound processors because she was raised to feel embarrassed about them. “I don’t even know why you want me to come with. I’m terrible company. I drink my coffee with resting bitch face in public. It keeps people from starting a conversation with me.”
“It’s a good thing I know some ASL then. You can sign back to me and not even have to open your mouth.”
I glance at him from the corner of my eye. He shifts his gaze between the road and me a few times, all while looking comfortable and happy. All I hear is ‘open your mouth’ and I’m thinking of last night, the way Phoenix bit my bottom lip and ran his thumb over it after I dropped down to my knees, pulling his boxers down his legs.
Squeezing my thighs together, I look out at our surroundings, dodging Loki’s ears flying back at me from the open window. “Where are we going?”
“A bakery on Broadway.”
I know the way he’s going but I ask anyway. “In Federal Hill?”
“Yeah.”
“My parents live around there.” I’d spend most days walking up and down Broadway when I had to walk Wrigley. He loves walking by the restaurants, barking at people he sees eating through the windows. I laugh to myself thinking of how frightened the customers were every time. My laugh fades when I realize my parents haven’t texted me or called in a few days.
I know my Mom’s depression is bad most days. I also know that I don’t help it so I usually wait for her to reach out first. But I still hope that they’ll think about me and send a quick text, asking how my day has been. I constantly worry about them. Can’t they do the same for me?
I grab my phone and send them both a quick text saying I miss them. It’s the truth. More than they’ll ever know.
Dad answers back almost immediately with a crying face emoji and a purple heart. It’s something.
Mom doesn’t reply until we’re almost at the bakery, ten minutes later. She says, ‘you can always come by.’ But that’s the thing. So can she.
When Phoenix pulls into a parking spot at Seven Stars Bakery, I put a smile on my face and push away unhappy thoughts. This place makes their own fresh bread that I can eat until the day I die. And their cinnamon buns; oh, lord! They are the reason why I try to stay in shape. I have a sweet tooth. And zero self-control when it comes to this place.
“They have one on our street.” I turn to Phoenix before I open the door and let Loki jump out. “Why did we come out this way?”
“Nice change of scenery.” I agree. “The other one overlooks a parking lot. This one has outdoor seating.”
“And you want to be seen with me?” My mouth drops open and we sit in silence for one, two, three seconds before I look away and leave the car saying, “Sorry. I didn’t mean that.” Didn’t I, though? Phoenix wanting me to come with him and mentioning outdoor seating, something I love when it’s beautiful out, and well, the words just came out because I was thinking them.
He walks around the front of his car, ready to say something to me but I cut him off. “Old habits. Wren never took me out, and after a few bad dates with douchebags, I stayed away from men like they were the plague. It just came out.”
“All those assholes made you feel like you could never be the best thing to ever happen to a guy?”
When he puts it that way, it makes me pause and wonder if he’s insinuating something. About us. Me. He’s not talking about you, idiot. He was just saying that.
I tug on Loki’s leash when he gets too close to the edge of the sidewalk. “Yeah.”
“Well…” Phoenix slips his hand around my neck and then he’s leaning into me and his lips are on mine and I’m speechless. My eyes are wide open, his a
re closed. He acts like kissing me on the sidewalk is perfectly normal. It’s not. Nice and unexpected but not normal. When his lips leave mine, he licks his bottom lip before smiling at me, amused. “There is a group of tatted guys in there that can’t seem to look anywhere but at you, and me being who I am, I want to be seen with you.”
There he goes again, saying stuff that confuses me.
Phoenix swoops Loki up, and he looks like he’s crushing him but Loki looks like he’s having the time of his life because he smells pastries. Both act like nothing here is strange.
Only I know the truth. Standing here on the corner of Broadway and Knight Street, I feel my heart smile for the first time in years.
I tilt my head back and look at the sky. The sun seems to smile back at me, saying, ‘he can make you happy.’ I hold back the urge to flip her off. What the hell does she know?! And yes, the sun is a female. If you get too close, that bitch will burn you. Icarus was a fool that didn’t listen and he got screwed. Crazy bitches do that to a person.
We walk into the bakery, and as hard as I try not to stare at the tatted guys, I can’t help it. They’re all so hot; sleeves full of ink, muscles flexing every time they pick up their food and drinks or run their hands through their hair, and they’ve got on sunglasses with days worth of scruff.
Phoenix turns back to roll his eyes at my obvious gawking. I could be wrong but I swear he even growls at some point. Loki climbs up his chest and rubs his face over Phoenix’s neck. He chuckles and tickles him. Then winks at me.
My ovaries. They explode.
I can’t tell if it’s because of the tattooed guys or because of Phoenix and Loki. Both are equally hot. Only one makes me want to hop back in the car and squeal. Quietly. You know, because that shit is embarrassing.
My eyes travel to the front of the store, watching an employee at the cash register before another walks by with a box of goods, handing it to a customer. My eyes shift over to the pastries covering the right side of the counter, protected by glass so customers like me don’t jump up on it and stuff our faces.
A Sky Full of Secrets Page 18