Dear Emily (Forever Family)

by Trudy Stiles

  “What’s wrong, Babe? Why are you crying?” He walks over to the bed and sits close to me. He places his hands on my knees and slowly circles his thumbs.

  He’s so sweet and just wants me to be OK. I know this. I take a deep breath.

  “Seth, this is just so hard. You know? I feel like the next few weeks are going to be so difficult. The last few weeks with my baby girl.” I place my hand back on my belly and lower my head.

  “Babe, she will always be with you. Always. But we are doing the right thing. Emily will have a better life with Carly and Kyle. We aren’t ready for this Tabby.” His voice is kind and soothing, but his words aren’t encouraging. He doesn’t feel this with me. He can’t possibly understand. I’m giving up a piece of me. Another piece of me. First Sara, now Emily. Seth has fully admitted that he doesn’t want this child. And God what if she is Alex’s? What would Seth do then? We couldn’t handle this either way. I’m not strong enough.

  “Thanks Seth. I’m ready to move on, but I’m not ready. I can’t explain it. This is nearly impossible. Emily doesn’t belong to me anymore; she is Carly and Kyle’s already. I can feel it. Somehow, I already know how right this situation is, and I’m beginning to accept it fully, but I’m feeling as if this is it for me. My last chance to be a mother.”

  I stop and stare into Seth’s eyes, hoping he can understand where I’m coming from. He maintains eye contact and slowly reaches up to touch my face. He brushes his thumb over the faint scar on my cheek and wraps his fingers into my hair, slowly massaging the back of my neck. His touch sends butterflies through my body.

  My body physically responds to him.

  Aches for him. Aches for something.

  But my mind is elsewhere.

  He leans into me, and I let him come close as his tongue sweeps across my lips. His nose swipes across my cheek as he inhales and says my name. I take a deep breath and yield to him. His lips gently touch mine again as his tongue presses further into my mouth. I finally kiss him back and press my body into his. His fingers move tenderly down and press into my lower back, softly caressing me. They are so light that chills travel up my spine and radiate through my belly.

  His lips are now all over my face. My neck. The swells of my breasts. He is breathing heavily, and his hot breath counteracts the chills that just started and heat is now pooling between my thighs. His fingertips softly touch my breasts and he begins circling my right nipple as his mouth travels to the outside of my shirt and his tongue teases my other erect nipple.

  He slowly lifts me so that I’m straddling his waist and we are facing each other. He stares into my eyes, pulling me toward him. I feel his erection beneath me, and I grind my hips into him. I immediately feel a jolt through my core as my body reacts to his firmness. God I need him inside me now.

  My panties are getting wetter and wetter. I place my head into his neck then lick and bite the sensitive area below his ear. He moans into my neck and pulls me so that my lips are back on his. He’s attacking my mouth, our tongues entwined. Our breathing is heavy as we continue savoring each other.

  Slowly his mouth leaves mine as he lifts me up a little so that he can give my breasts more attention.

  “Take your top off, Tabby,” he commands. I remove my hands from his hair. Doing as he asked, I lift my shirt over my head and throw it to the floor, and then slowly reach behind my back and unclasp my bra, letting my engorged breasts fall free. I then place my hands back into his hair, bringing his lips back to mine. Pressing my tongue firmly into his mouth, slowly entwining it with his, he kisses me passionately as his hands travel down my back.

  His fingers find the outline of my panties as they start to travel under the elastic touching my sensitive skin. I gasp as he pushes my panties aside entirely and stroke my core. I cannot control myself as I pant loudly feeling his fingers swirl in the wetness that is pooling between my legs. My walls clench and spasm around his finger as it slowly enters me.

  “God Seth!” I yell between moans. “Please.” I beg.

  “Please what Tabitha?” He growls and nips at my earlobe.

  “Please Seth, I need you inside me!” God, I want him now. I need to feel him.

  He pulls his finger out of me and pushes me away. He stands and opens his jeans and quickly pushing them down his legs. He kicks them off then removes his boxer briefs and his cock springs free as he lies down onto the bed.

  “Come here, Tabby.” He gestures for me to straddle him.

  I remove my panties and drop them to the floor. My belly is so large at this point that I feel awkward, but I try to crawl seductively across the bed with a smirk on my lips. He grabs my wrists and sits up with his back against the headboard.

  “God, Tabby, you are so fucking gorgeous. So beautiful.” He pulls me to him taking my breast into his mouth. His tongue is quickly sweeping, lapping over my already hard nipple. As he softly bites down, I start to break apart.

  He pulls my hips up then pulls me down over his throbbing cock. As he slowly slips into me, my walls start to pulse around him. Slowly guiding my hips up and down, the heat continues to push into my core. I need him. This release.

  I’m climbing already and can feel my walls contract further around him. My breasts are now heaving, and he can barely keep his tongue on my nipple. Barely brushing his teeth across the top of my breast Seth plants his mouth onto the side of my neck. He grabs my hips firmly and starts to pump faster and faster into me.

  Our breaths are heavy, and I feel my release building quickly. He drives faster and harder, and I break apart just as he is fully seated inside me. I can feel his cock pulsing with his own release as mine continues. Our fluids mix and consume us both.

  “I love you, Tabby.” His breath comes in short pants as he softly bites my earlobe.

  He slowly pulls out of me and rests his head onto my shoulder. I suddenly feel the emptiness, the longing for him to fill me again. My need isn’t love, though. It’s physical, the need to be possessed. I lean into his chest as he lies back down on the bed, pulling me with him. I slide next to him and burrow into his side, still gripping his neck.

  I feel terrible thinking this, but I don’t think I love him. I don’t think I can love anyone. I just can’t return the sentiment. I’m not ready to give myself fully to him or anyone. Yes, we’ve fucked. Made love. But I can’t yet give him my everything, my soul.

  I remain silent as he pulls the blankets over us. He leans over and kisses the top of my head.

  “I’ll still love you tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. I’m not going anywhere, Tabby. Ever. I’m here for you for as long as it takes for you to be fully here with me.” He turns the light off and breathes deeply.

  I feel tears pool in my eyes and I squeeze them shut. I don’t believe him. If circumstances were different and I decided to keep Emily, he would bolt. I just know it. Or at least I try to convince myself that’s what he would do. I have to think the worst to accept the ‘real’.

  I’m just not sure I can ever be fully connected to Seth.

  To anyone.

  I start to drift off to sleep listening to his steady breath beneath my cheek.

  It’s not Seth’s face that I see as sleep engulfs me.

  It’s Alex’s.

  New Brunswick, New Jersey

  Past

  Age 18

  The cold air envelops my face as I walk out of the doors of Thomas Hall. I’m finally awake and out on time! I’m so pleased with myself as I stride across campus on my way to meet Kyle to make up the Biology labs.

  This morning sucked big time. I can’t believe that I busted my ass to get his laundry done while he was hooking up with someone else. For all I know, he’s had a girlfriend this whole time, and I was completely reading his signals wrong.

  Whatever.

  I need
to get through these next few hours so that I can make up these labs and be done with him. I’m so embarrassed, and I feel slightly used. I don’t like that feeling.

  At. All.

  “Hello, Pussycat.” I hear a voice behind me. Todd nudges me with his shoulder as I slow down. “Where are you going? Maybe I can take you there?”

  I feel sick to my stomach as he glares into my eyes. “I’m… I’m meeting someone in a few minutes, Todd. I can’t talk to you. Not now, not ever.”

  He roughly grabs hold of my arm as I start to walk away. “Kitty-Cat, I haven’t stopped thinking about you and your tight body since Halloween, and I’m ready for seconds.” The wild glint in his eyes sends chills down my spine. He is dangerous, and I need to get away from him immediately.

  I yank my arm away and turn to run.

  “I’ll be seeing you around, Pussycat.”

  I am now full-on sprinting as I look back over my shoulder. He’s still standing where I left him.

  I make it to Manning Hall with five minutes to spare. My heart is pounding. I am so rattled by Todd. As I make my way to the Biology lab on the second floor, my flip-flops catch on the bottom step. I start to fall forward when I feel a strong arm grab me around my waist.

  “Easy there, killer,” Kyle says through a wide grin. He pulls me back into his chest as I steady myself. “Flip-flops? Really Carly?” He’s chuckling now as he shakes his head.

  “What?” I ask. “Flip-flops are comfortable. They didn’t cause my fall. I just, uh, tripped on the first step. Lost my footing.” My cheeks are burning from embarrassment, and I pull away from him. I rub the tender spot on my arm where Todd grabbed me.

  “Right. Whatever you say, killer.”

  He gestures for me to go up the stairs first. “After you.”

  We walk upstairs, this time without incident, and arrive at the lab.

  “Let’s get this over with, OK?” I try to sound annoyed to brush off my anxiety.

  “Yup,” he says quickly. “We have two labs to get you caught up on. The first is determining blood type, and the second is comparing plant and animal cells.”

  This is not the least bit appealing to me. I’m taking Biology as my science elective towards my degree as a secondary education English teacher. This class is a necessity, but I just want to teach English.

  I toss my backpack onto one of the empty tables and sit on a nearby stool. He takes a set of keys out of his pocket and unlocks a cabinet along the wall. He starts to gather equipment we’ll need for our lab work.

  “You know, Carly, you can at least act like you want to be here,” he huffs as he places a microscope on the table in front of me.

  He pushes a few papers around on the table and gets the rest of the materials. I watch him as he places some drops of water onto each of the papers and turns to grab something else.

  He places some slides on the table and grabs my right wrist, turning my palm facing up. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain on the tip of my finger and scream, “What the fuck!”

  Ouch! Motherfucking OUCH!

  He’s still holding my wrist tightly with one hand while he places a stick against my now bleeding fingertip, collecting droplets of my blood. He does this three more times until he collects a total of four samples and places them on the paper on top of where he placed the water. He finally lets go of my wrist and presses a cotton ball onto the tip of my finger.

  I’m burning all over, mostly from anger. “God, Kyle. A heads up would have been nice!” I yank my hand from his grip, remove the cotton ball, and put the tip of my finger into my mouth. Relief!

  “Hey, if I told you what I was going to do, would you have let me?” He lifts up the paper with my blood droplets on them. He starts to move the paper slowly in circles so that the blood mixes with the water and enzymes.

  I remove my finger from my mouth with a loud pop. “Seriously, Kyle! You don’t just do that to someone without warning! I mean, look at this!” I hold my finger up so he can see that it’s still bleeding.

  He chuckles and looks down at the paper in his hand.

  “Type O. Congratulations, you’re a universal donor.” He smiles and pushes some worksheets across the table to me. “Complete this lab sheet while I get the microscope and slides ready for the next assignment.” He turns and I look down at the paper. I start to answer the questions, following the procedures that he just performed on my now throbbing finger. Damn!

  After several minutes, my notes are captured on the sheet in front of me. I guess that was easy, but I certainly won’t admit it to Kyle.

  “OK, next up is a comparison of plant and animal cells. Are you ready, or do you think you’ll need me to call you an ambulance?” He smirks sarcastically.

  “I’m fine!” I huff.

  He pushes another worksheet to me and gets the slides set up. “I swear I did this exercise in fifth grade. I’m sure I can tell the difference between plant and animal cells. Let’s get this over with.” I’m so annoyed!

  The microscope is now in front of me and he is standing behind my stool. He reaches both arms around me as he places a slide on the tray. He leans over me, his chest pressing into my back. “Now, take a look and tell me what you see.” His mouth is practically touching my ear as I shudder. How can I possibly concentrate? I surprise myself with my reaction. All I want is for him to kiss my neck and wrap his arms around me. GAH!

  I start to take notes as he switches the slides on the tray. I’m comparing cell structures, membranes, and nuclei. He is still behind me, talking very softly into my ear. I can feel my hair brushing up against his lips. “You see the nucleus of a plant cell is located in a different area than an animal cell? The plant cell has a very defined outer membrane while an animal cell does not.” He is trying to make sure I grasp these elementary concepts while he presses his chest into my back.

  My heart is racing so fast that I’m sure he can feel it against his chest. I don’t want to, but I pull away slightly. He can’t know how he’s affecting me. I mean, he has a girlfriend; he shouldn’t be this close to me. Fuck!

  He’s causing me to react to him. Forcing me to let my barriers down.

  And I am.

  Big time.

  “OK. I think I got it, Kyle.” I pull a little further away from him and he gets the hint. He takes one last deep breath, as if he’s inhaling me, and pulls away.

  He takes the sheet that I’ve been taking notes on and peruses it carefully.

  “Yes, Carly, you definitely got it. Good job.” He smiles tightly and starts to gather the supplies from the table.

  He puts everything back into the cabinet and locks it.

  He takes both of my lab worksheets and puts them into his backpack. “I’ll give these to Professor Martin tomorrow morning when I see her. I’ll tell her that you are now all caught up and you remain a stellar student.” He says this with little emotion and zips his backpack closed.

  “Thanks Kyle,” I say breathlessly. He has really affected me and I can’t seem to compose myself.

  “So I guess we are all set? Even? I mean you helped me with these labs and kept my chicken pox secret from Professor Martin. And I did your laundry. So we are straight? Right?” I’m actually sad that our little arrangement is now over.

  He reaches out and grabs the hand that he pricked earlier, raises up my forefinger, and swipes his thumb across the tip. “Feel better?” His big smile is back and I almost melt while he is grasping my hand.

  “Yes, it feels better. I can only feel a slight heartbeat in the tip of my finger now. Not the throbbing I felt before.” I’m completely blushing now and I pull my hand away.

  “Good. And I’m not sure if we are even. Yet.” His eyes sparkle and he smirks at me.

  “What do you mean? We are square. Even. Done!” I stammer incredulously.r />
  “Dinner. Then we’re square.” He states.

  “I don’t think so Kyle.” He is kidding, right? Dinner, as in a date?

  “Hey, we both need to eat and since I still clearly have some leverage over you, you aren’t in any position to argue. I’ll pick you up at your room at five o’clock.”

  I huff again and throw my backpack over my shoulder.

  “Whatever.” I guess that’s my answer.

  We walk out of the lab, down the steps, and out into the cold afternoon air.

  “My friends are coming over tonight, so we’ll need to eat quickly, and then you’ll need to be on your way. It is Wine Wednesday, Kyle.”

  “So we’ll do dinner earlier then,” he smiles. “Actually, how about a late lunch. Starting now?”

  “Um, OK.” I say.

  We walk toward Thomas Hall into the cold wind.

  We enter the building and that bitch, Amber, is at the security desk again. She’s like a fucking fixture. She perks up when she sees Kyle and heaves her tits out as usual. Her smile is huge when she says, “Kyle! How are you? How’s the Teaching Assistant gig going? Professor Martin has you covering so many of her lectures. Lucky you!”

  “I’m great, Amber, and yes, I am working hard.” He dismisses her flirtatious advances and places his hand on my lower back directing me toward the cafeteria.

  For once, I don’t let her antics bother me. “Bye Amber! Always a pleasure!” I smile back at her as I look over my shoulder.

  We enter the cafeteria and the attendant states, “We’re closing in five minutes. Hope you’re taking your food to go.”

  Shit! I forgot that they close down to prepare for dinner.

  I turn to Kyle and say, “We can do this another time.”

  “No, let’s get our food and take it upstairs. Your place or mine?” He winks and smiles.

  “Mine, I guess. My roommate is never there so we can spread out and enjoy our food,” I answer. And maybe I can test myself being alone with him. Build up my courage to trust again.