Dear Emily (Forever Family)

by Trudy Stiles

  I’m still stunned silent. I wish that we could start over, where I’m more receptive and more of a willing participant. Don’t get me wrong; I wanted him to kiss me. I’ve wanted that since the first time I saw him in the bookstore making ‘music’ with the bookmarks. But I can’t stop thinking about Tony, or what he would do to me if he witnessed this. What he would do to Alex. I panic even more and I start hyperventilating. I clutch at my chest. God! It feels like an elephant is sitting on me now. I haven’t had a panic attack in a while. Alex backs up clearly confused by my reaction. The look on his face changes to concern and as I’m gasping for breath, he starts to panic as well.

  “Tabby, stay with me!” I’m choking, coughing, and gasping for air. I lean back into the door. My heart is racing and my chest is now burning. My vision gets blurry, I start to slide down the wall, and my ass hits the floor hard. Tunnel vision takes over and I can barely see Alex.

  Or anything.

  I slip into blackness.

  New Brunswick, New Jersey

  Past

  Age 18

  Let the interrogations begin! After I see Kyle out, I go back into my room to face my curious friends. I walk back in and face the three of them glaring at me accusingly.

  “What?” I ask casually.

  “What do you mean what?” Manny demands.

  I don’t want to talk about what happened with Kyle tonight. What did happen?

  Callie looks at me sternly, “Car, seriously. Why was he in your bed? Doesn’t he have a girlfriend? Are you even ready for anything serious?”

  I don’t want to be read the riot act, but it looks like I’m well on my way.

  I pick up the gallon-sized bottle of wine, screw off the cap and lift it to my lips. I’m not above chugging this God-awful shit. And that’s what I do. Chug. This is not an easy feat as wine is spilling out of my mouth, dribbling down my chin. I must look ridiculous!

  Becca approaches me and takes the jug from my hands. I use the back of my sleeve to wipe the wine drizzle from my lips and face. I’m a mess.

  “Carly, what is going on? Please talk to us,” she says.

  Manny grabs the jug from Becca and begins to chug some himself. I laugh at this gesture as he shoves it into Callie’s face. “Bang it!” He yells his term for chugging.

  Callie doesn’t have time to think as Manny forces her to chug as we both did. So she ‘banged’ it.

  Yes, we certainly are freshman. After several rounds of this, half of the jug is gone. Holy hell!

  For some reason, the chugging ritual relaxes me. Or maybe it’s the wine. Yeah, I’m pretty buzzed.

  “OK guys.” I slur a little. “I get that you are concerned. But seriously, nothing happened with him! We had been studying all day together. I got super tired. Shit I was up at the crack of dawn doing our laundry. I fell asleep and he decided that I looked too comfortable so he joined me. That’s it! I had a bad dream; he tried to calm me down. Then you guys showed up. End. Of. Story.” I hope that explanation makes them happy because I’m certainly not going to get into all of my feelings of panic and relief when he cradled me in his arms. God he felt so good.

  I gaze out into my room as my cheeks begin to flush. I’m pretty drunk. I hiccup and laugh a little.

  “Really, Carly. You both looked so hot and bothered when we arrived. What do you have to say about that?” Manny’s finger is in my face practically poking out one of my eyes. I wrap my arms around him, rest my head against his chest, squeeze tight and he returns the gesture.

  I take a few deep breaths and look up into his eyes. “Manny, honey, I’m fine. He just made me feel good. That’s it. He has a girlfriend. It meant nothing.”

  He rests his chin on the top of my head and huffs.

  “Carly, what are we going to with you? Wait, you did his laundry?” he asks incredulously.

  I pull away from Manny and flop back onto my bed. Now I’m feeling super woozy. Damn this wine!

  Becca scoots over next to me and grabs my hand. “Carly, we don’t want you to get hurt. Please don’t let him use you. Especially not to do laundry!” She giggles a little.

  “No! It’s not like that either, Bec!” I try to defend my situation. “I did his laundry as payment for keeping my secret from Professor Martin. I may have told a little white lie about the reasons why I was missing her classes.”

  “Carly!” Callie chimes in, scolding me.

  “I told her that I had the chicken pox.” I hiccup again. This confession is not going well. “Kyle kept my secret and tutored me on my missed lectures. Now we’re even.” I look up, very pleased with myself, and the deal that I made. I cross my arms over my chest.

  Manny starts laughing loudly and eventually we all join in. Callie grabs the jug and hands it to Becca, “Bang it!” She demands. So Becca does as she is told.

  “So enough about me! What the hell is going on with all of you?” I point at each of them sweeping my finger through the air.

  “Becca hooked up with that soccer player!” Callie exclaims. Becca swats at her arm. “Callie!” Becca yells.

  “Oh Becca, don’t even try to deny it! He is so hot! Spill it!” Callie is demanding answers from Becca.

  “It was nothing, guys. We kissed after the Delta Phi mixer. Just kissed. He’s really sweet. I certainly don’t want to rush into anything, so it was perfect.” She gazes past us and her smile is huge. She starts to blush.

  “So it’s OK for Becca to say ‘it’s nothing’? When I said it, you all jumped down my throat!” I accuse the group of not treating our declarations equally.

  Callie answers, “Carly, clearly you need to take it slower. You still need to heal. That’s all; we just worry about you more.”

  Becca chimes in, happy to divert the attention back to me, “Yes, Carly! We just want to be sure that you don’t get in over your head with Kyle. You don’t deserve the heartache, honey.”

  Manny hands me the jug, “Bang it!” I’m glad to continue to drink and not discuss this matter any further. So I do. Bang it!

  A half-hour later, the jug is empty and I’m curled up on my bed next to Manny. The room is spinning and I plant my foot against the concrete wall to make it stop. Callie and Becca are down by our feet leaning against a bunch of pillows. Becca is sound asleep and snoring softly.

  “Carly, we only want to keep you safe,” Callie slurs. “Safe from douchy-douche guys.” She sounds profound in this declaration. “You know?” she finishes.

  “Yes, I know.” My eyes begin to close. “No douchy-douche guys for me.”

  I squeeze Manny and rest my head on his chest.

  “I love you guys,” I say though a huge drunken grin. I yawn and press my foot into the wall harder. The room is still spinning, but not as bad.

  “I love you guys too,” Callie says.

  Becca sighs deeply and mumbles something as she drools into the pillow.

  “Bitch, if you puke on me, I’m going to throttle you!” Manny says to me as he hugs me tighter.

  Ah! The love!

  “I love you guys and Wine Wednesdays,” I slur as I drift off to sleep.

  I really do.

  I. Love. Them.

  New Brunswick, New Jersey

  Past

  Age 18

  This semester is just flying by! I’m finally caught up in Biology and Professor Martin is none the wiser about my little white lie. It’s been a few weeks since I was alone with Kyle and I’m feeling a little better about it. This is finals week and then I go home for winter break. I can’t wait!

  I love the holidays. There are no bigger Christmas geeks than my family. Our Christmas tree is always up the day after Thanksgiving. Some of my favorite memories of the holidays revolve around my family and decorating our house. My father is a stickler f
or traditions and keeps us to them religiously.

  Our tree is artificial, so it’s OK that it goes up so early. This is an embarrassing fact, but our tree is on a rotating stand. My father has had it since the Seventies and the thing still works. You can hear the motor churning as it spins and every year we expect sparks to shoot out of it. But it still keeps turning. It spins the Christmas tree in our living room window for all of the neighbors to admire. To laugh at. It even plays a tinny sounding ‘Jingle Bells’ that’s always on a constant loop.

  So yes, we are Christmas nerds. And I’m so proud.

  So proud, in fact, that I decorated my dorm room as soon as I returned from Thanksgiving break. Lights are strung throughout and a small twinkling tree sits on the windowsill. All of these decorations are mine since I haven’t seen Ginger in what seems like weeks. I know she’s been in and out because some of her things have moved. I’m content when we completely avoid each other. It just makes life easier.

  I have my Biology final today and I’m so glad to put this class behind me. I grab my backpack and head out.

  After a brisk five-minute walk, I reach the lecture hall. It’s already full and I make my way to my usual seat. I look up and see Kyle in the front of the room. He seems to be collating tests. He looks up at me and I immediately flush. God, I’ve missed him. His eyes. His dimple. His smile.

  He flashes that famous smile and winks at me.

  Now I’m never going to be able to concentrate! I’ve come undone with one look.

  He starts passing out the exams and when he reaches me he says, “Carly. You look well. Are you ready for winter break?”

  I take the packet of papers from him and our fingers brush against each other. The familiar tingling starts in the tips of my fingers, moves up my arm, and radiates throughout my chest.

  “Yes, I’m ready,” I answer breathlessly.

  He nods and moves on. “Have a Merry Christmas.”

  He has now passed me and is handing exams out to other students.

  “Merry Christmas,” I whisper, mostly to myself.

  I take out my pen and open the exam. I read the first question and I immediately draw a blank.

  Shitty. Shit. Shit. Shit.

  I take some deep breaths and try to focus. God! How can he affect me so much?

  I finally start to answer the exam questions and I think I’m doing OK. I have to write an essay describing the blood type lab and how results are determined. As soon as I start to write, I picture Kyle stabbing my fingertip with a needle. I laugh out loud and Kyle looks up from the proctor’s seat. Our eyes meet and I hold his gaze for several moments. I smile at him and lower my eyes back down to my paper. I can still feel him looking at me as I remember that day. If only he didn’t have a girlfriend. Damn!

  I complete my answer to the essay and realize I’ve finished the exam. I look around the room and at least half of the students have left. I’m so glad to be done with this class.

  I stand up and practically skip down to the front and place my exam in the pile of completed tests.

  “Bye, Kyle. Merry Christmas,” I say softly, turn and leave the room.

  I don’t want to linger. There is really nothing more to say to each other. We are acquaintances at best. He helped me through a jam and I’m grateful but there isn’t anything more. There can’t be.

  I walk out of the building toward the library. I have another exam tonight and I need to spend the rest of the day in my secluded corner on the third floor. I need to nail this last test before I can be comfortable that I’m home free.

  I find that my ‘secret’ area in the library is deserted, as usual. I pull two chairs together so I can stretch out my legs. I settle in, take out my Sociology book and notes, and commence studying. The test is five hours away and I confidently think I’m going to ace it!

  After several minutes of perusing my notes, my eyes start to feel heavy and I’m suddenly so tired. I look at my watch; it’s twelve-thirty. If I take a little nap now, I can wake up with plenty of time to spare. I’ll finish reviewing my notes and go ace the test.

  I drift off to sleep as I continue to rationalize this.

  ~

  I’m mostly groggy as I start to wake up from my impromptu nap. My wrists feel tight and they are pinned on either side of me. I feel pressure on my pelvis and hot breath in my face. My eyes jolt open and I’m face to face with my worst fears. I start to panic as I stare into Todd’s cold, dark eyes.

  He smirks as his nose is touching mine, “Hey Pussycat.” He doesn’t give me the chance to say anything. He crushes his lips onto mine forcing his rigid tongue into my mouth. I’m gasping, trying to breathe. His weight is heavy on me and I’m completely immobile. I feel how hard he is as he grinds his hips into me and he is pressing into my gut as he moves lower to grind into my core. I’m wearing thin jogging pants so I can feel everything.

  I’m attempting to struggle but he has me completely pinned. His open mouth is absorbing my muffled cries. He won’t stop! I try to bite his tongue and his lip, but he is too quick. He’s suffocating me with his mouth. My panic takes complete hold of my body and I try to thrash beneath him. I can’t let this happen again.

  My wrists are burning and I feel so weak. I can’t fight him off of me. My body is betraying me as he is grinding up against my most sensitive area.

  He’s now holding both of my wrists with one hand as he grabs my breast and squeezes my nipple. He doesn’t remove his mouth from mine as he continues to absorb my grunts and pleas. His hand travels down over my belly, pulls down my loose pants, and dips into my panties. His finger finds my sensitive area and starts to rub vigorously. I’m having trouble breathing because the tears and snot building up in my nose are making me gag.

  I start to buck my hips to try to push him off of me.

  “Pussycat, you know you want me. I can feel it,” he says as he plunges his fingers into me. I immediately tense up as his fingernails scrape against my walls. The pain I feel flips a switch and my panic is spiraling out of control. He’s pumping his fingers into me, pressing his thumb against my clit and says, “Come for me, Pussycat.” No! He’s fucking demonic! How can he think he can get me aroused?

  I’m gagging on his tongue as snot continues to drip down the back of my throat. I’d rather choke to death then allow my body to respond to his torture. I’m burning all over and feel immense pain in my core. He’s tearing up my most sensitive areas with his fingers. I feel like my insides are being shredded.

  He covers my mouth with his hand, further muffling my cries, and bites the side of my neck. Pain shoots down my spine and I feel warmth on my neck.

  Blood.

  He then bites the top of my breast. The pain is excruciating! I feel more blood on my chest as he bites me in two more places. His hand closes tighter over my mouth and moves to cover my nose. He’s going to suffocate me! I try to thrash, but it’s useless. He opens his jeans and is about to push himself into me. I feel a stabbing pain in my gut.

  Everything fades into darkness.

  ~

  I feel like I’m moving and I’m freezing. I’m laying down on something and it’s bouncing a little. I’m shaking uncontrollably as I try to open my eyes. I feel someone’s hand on my wrist and hear the words, ‘Pulse is weak. Her blood pressure is low. She’s in shock’. I hear sirens coming from somewhere.

  Who is that person talking to? I’m fucking freezing! Can someone give me a blanket? I feel tremors traveling through my entire body.

  “Carly.” I hear my name. I think I recognize the voice. It’s a male voice and it seems so far away.

  “Carly, please wake up.” He is pleading with me now. I can barely hear him as my ears start to ring and blackness envelopes me again.

  ~

  I feel a warm, soft hand on my arm, slowly rubbing
me. I hear the beeping of machines and I slowly open my eyes.

  Everything is blurry, but I can make out a large figure sitting next to me. He has his head bent down and he appears to be sleeping while sitting up. His hand is moving on its own up and down my arm.

  Kyle.

  I try to speak but I have a mask over my face. I can feel the cool oxygen as I start to breathe rapidly.

  My eyes are wide open now and I begin to panic. The last thing I remember is Todd forcing himself on me. Raping me. Again.

  I start gasping for air and sobbing out loud. I’m moaning at the same time and the noises sound almost guttural.

  Kyle jolts awake.

  “Carly, calm down.” He stands over me and places both hands on my arm.

  “Carly, it’s OK. You are safe. Safe. I promise.” He’s pleading with me to relax and I start to breathe more normally.

  “Don’t speak, just listen to me. OK? Everything is going to be OK.”

  I close my eyes and nod. I am trying to calm myself down.

  I keep my eyes closed as he begins to talk.

  “Carly, I was looking for you after the Biology exam. I ran into your friend Becca and she said that I could find you in your ‘secret’ spot.” He takes a deep breath and I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. The tears are now silently streaming down the sides of my face.

  “When I got to the third floor, I could hear what sounded like muffled cries. I heard someone grunting.” He squeezes my hand tight and rubs his thumb over the top of my hand gently.

  “What I saw, God, Carly. There was blood. So much of it. Todd was on top of you and was about to rape you. God, if I didn’t get there when I did. Oh, God.”

  He’s quiet for a few moments and then continues.