Dear Emily (Forever Family)

by Trudy Stiles

  “It’s OK, Tabs,” Seth says, using the nickname that Alex owns. He’s now just doing things to get Alex even more agitated.

  “Next Tuesday it is. I’ll pick you up here when you’re done with work.” He leans in, kisses me on the cheek, and walks past Alex. I notice the intense stare between them.

  “What the fuck, Tabs?” Alex is very distressed and I need to calm him down, fast.

  I quickly throw my arms around his neck and press our lips together. “Alex, I don’t know why you get so bothered when Seth is around.” I kiss him again and lean back to look into his eyes.

  “Tabs, in case you haven’t noticed, Seth has been trying to get into your pants for over a year. I can’t believe it’s not at all obvious to you. Hmph.” Alex’s irritation is growing.

  “Alex, I love YOU. Only you. We’ve been through so much together over the past year. You should know by now that it’s just you, Alex and me. Seth is my friend. That is all. Period.

  I love you with my everything. You own me, Alex. I’m only yours. Do you understand?”

  “Tabs, I know you love me. And you know that I love you so fucking much. It just bothers me how much time Seth spends with you when I can’t. I’m getting stressed about going on the road and being away from you for several months. I just don’t want to lose what we have. It’s too perfect. And I don’t want Seth to feel like the door is open after I leave. He’s just waiting to pounce, I can feel it.”

  “Alex…”

  “What do you want me to do, Tabs? I don’t know how to deal with this. Do you want me to just look the other way every time he looks at you? I know he wants you. I just can’t help how I feel.”

  He’s so insecure about us; I just don’t know how to make it better. He’s the one that is leaving! I should be the one fretting day and night about groupies, booze, and the band. For once in my life, I feel secure in a relationship and he’s stressing out about my friend. God!

  “Alex, let’s drop this please. You’re being ridiculous. We need to get to the High Note and we need to find your opening band.” I squeeze his hand and pull him out the door.

  He pulls me against his body and drops his lips onto mine, kissing me fiercely. I barely have time to react, but the familiar warmth of his touch begins to spread throughout my body. I part my lips and kiss him back.

  “I just don’t know what to say. I can’t stand the thought of not being around you.” He moves his lips across my cheek, over to that spot behind my ear that sends shockwaves to my core. “I love you Tabs,” he whispers in my ear as he takes my lobe gently between his teeth.

  I whimper and say, “Alex, if you keep that up we’ll never make it to the club!” I don’t want him to stop but we’re in the middle of a busy sidewalk.

  He nips my earlobe again and his lips softly trail down my neck. He pulls away and smiles at me. “I’m sorry. I’ll figure out how to keep my jealousy and worry at bay. I promise.” He leans back in and kisses me quickly before taking my hand leading me toward The High Note.

  He puts his arm around my shoulders and tucks me into his side as we walk. He makes me feel protected and safe. I love him with all that I am.

  And suddenly I’m afraid that it’s all going to come crashing to an end.

  Colts Neck, New Jersey

  Past

  Age 18

  My pillow is vibrating. Buzzing. My eyes pop open and I see the sun streaming through my bedroom window.

  I reach my hand underneath and grab my phone where I left it after I said goodnight to Kyle last night.

  I flip it open and groggily say, “Hello?” I rub my hand over my face.

  “Merry Christmas Carly.”

  Kyle’s soft voice soothes me and I smile. He has called me every day, at least twice a day, since I came home from the hospital. Last night, we spent hours on the phone together as he told me his favorite Christmas memories with his family. I can tell that it’s hard for him to try to remember the days when his mother was alive. She passed away when he was just seven years old. He recounted cheerful times when he and his sister enjoyed the holidays. I laughed last night for the first time in weeks when he told me a story about their Siamese cat Mo. Apparently, he used to climb their Christmas tree, and he would swat ornaments to the floor. His father used to constantly grumble about the cat, as he had to re-decorate the tree on a daily basis. Just picturing a crazy cat climbing a Christmas tree made me laugh out loud. It felt good and I’m so grateful that Kyle is going out of his way to cheer me up.

  “Merry Christmas Kyle,” I say as I yawn into the phone. I stretch and my side aches.

  “Still asleep?” He chuckles.

  “I’m not anymore. Gosh what time is it?” I ask.

  “Nine o’clock,” he answers.

  I sit up. “Shit, my family is probably sitting outside my door. You know, it’s a rule in our house that no one can go downstairs on Christmas morning until we’re all awake.”

  He laughs. “You shouldn’t keep them waiting. I just wanted to call to see how you slept last night and to say Merry Christmas.”

  “I slept great,” I answer. And I did. It was after midnight when I got off the phone with him and for the first time in weeks, I drifted off to sleep immediately and dreamlessly.

  “I’m glad, Carly. Now go before your brother and sisters knock down your door.”

  “OK.” I smile.

  “Kyle?”

  “Yes, Carly?”

  I pause and breathe deeply.

  “Thank you. I really don’t know what else to say.”

  “Say ‘Yes’ when I ask you to join me for breakfast tomorrow,” he says and I can hear him smiling.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Just say yes.”

  I want nothing more than to say yes to his invitation and I don’t know why I’m hesitating. I don’t say anything and remain silent for what seems like hours.

  “Carly, are you OK? I’m sorry, I just thought. I mean…” He’s stumbling over his words. “I just want to see you. To be sure that you’re OK. I need to see you.”

  It’s been over a week since he drove me home from the hospital and I feel the same exact way. I want to see him so badly. I’m just nervous. Worried that I can’t possibly be who he’s looking for right now.

  “OK.” I finally answer.

  “Are you sure? If you’re not that’s completely OK. I don’t want to push, make you do something you may not be ready to do.”

  “Kyle, I’ll go to breakfast with you.” I smile. “But I have to warn you that I eat pancakes like a seven foot lumberjack. I have no restraint.”

  He laughs. “Great! I’ll call you later. In the meantime, have a wonderful day Carly.”

  “Thanks Kyle. What are you doing today?” I ask hesitantly, knowing that it’s just him and his sister.

  “Oh, nothing really. Patrice is spending the day with her boyfriend’s family.”

  Oh no! He’s going to be alone.

  “Kyle, please come here for dinner. My mother will be happy to set another place at our table. You shouldn’t be alone on Christmas.”

  “Are you sure?” he asks.

  “Yes, please come.”

  “OK, thank you Carly. What time should I be there?”

  “Dinner will be around four, so come any time before then.”

  “Great, see you later Carly.”

  “Bye,” I say softly.

  I hang up the phone and wonder if I just made a mistake inviting him here. I’m so grateful for his constant support and presence, but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I can’t be with him right now and I’m not sure if I can anytime in the near future.

  I open my door and my youngest sister Renee is sitting on the floor, outside my room and leaning up aga
inst the wall. I have to step over her candy cane striped pajama legs to get into the hall.

  “It’s about time you’re up Carly. Lyn is about to go back to sleep and Jimmy is in the bathroom. This is the latest any of us has ever slept on Christmas so get a move on!” She finishes scolding me and stands up to give me a hug. “Merry Christmas Car.”

  Lyn and Jimmy meet us in the hallway as Renee turns to race down the stairs. Jimmy grabs her and pushes her behind him as he makes it down the stairs first. Typical Sloan family Christmas morning antics. I smile as I follow my siblings into the living room.

  Mom and Dad are drinking coffee and watching the Christmas tree spin. “Good morning,” my mother says smiling. Her eyes meet mine and her smile softens slightly. “Merry Christmas.”

  We all have our own places around the tree and we settle onto the floor in front of our piles of gifts. We all take turns opening our gifts and act like this Christmas is like every other. Even though my family is trying to maintain a sense of normalcy, Christmas just isn’t the same for me this year and I’m not sure it ever will be again.

  ~

  “Kyle’s here!” Renee yells up the stairs. After opening all of our presents, my mother made a huge breakfast that we all devoured. After my shower, I closed my door and lay down on my bed. I didn’t feel like bringing everyone down with my mood, so I thought it would be best to stay upstairs, alone.

  My heart jumps a bit in my chest as I walk downstairs.

  Kyle is standing in our foyer. He looks up and smiles at me.

  I melt.

  “Merry Christmas Carly,” he says.

  “Hi, Kyle. Merry Christmas.”

  Lyn takes his jacket into the other room as he hands my mother a package that looks like it came from a bakery. “Thank you for having me Mrs. Sloan. I didn’t want to come empty handed.”

  Mom takes the package and says, “Of course Kyle. We’re very happy that you could join us for Christmas dinner.” Her eyes glisten and she looks away. She’s more than happy, she’s thankful. She knows how much time Kyle has spent with me and she loves him already.

  My father joins us in the foyer and extends his hand to Kyle. “Merry Christmas, Kyle. We’re glad you could be here.” Wow. I’m stunned that my dad just made this effort to welcome Kyle into our home. I smile and think that today may just turn out to be OK after all.

  “Thank you, Mr. Sloan. Are you ready for the game?” He knows the way to my dad’s heart is basketball.

  “The pre-game show is on right now so let’s go get comfortable while the girls get dinner ready.”

  Renee huffs. “Dad, you could stand to help Mom out in the kitchen every once in a while you know!”

  “Not a chance, Renee.” My father chuckles. “Jimmy, can you get Kyle a drink?”

  My brother yells from the other room. “Sure Dad, Kyle what do you want?”

  “Water is fine, thanks,” Kyle answers back and winks at me.

  We all settle into our Christmas routine. Kyle fits in perfectly as he, Jimmy, and my father are constantly yelling at the television and high-fiving while watching the NBA game. It’s a good thing they all agree on their favorite team.

  Dinner is over and we’re able to avoid any awkward conversations. Kyle is happy to re-tell the story about his tree-climbing cat Mo and he had my entire family laughing through dinner.

  As my sisters and mother get up to start clearing the table, Kyle leans over and whispers into my ear, “I’d like to see your revolving Christmas tree, please.” I shiver a little as his lips brush my hair.

  “OK,” I answer.

  We get up and go into the living room. I immediately spot a wrapped gift placed close to my ‘side’ of the tree.

  “Kyle, what is that?” I ask, pointing to the gift.

  He smiles slyly at me and says, “Santa left something for you at my house.” He then grabs my hand and pulls me over to the tree.

  We sit on the floor next to each other as he leans over, picks up the present, and places it into my lap. “Merry Christmas Carly.”

  “Kyle, you shouldn’t have. I don’t have anything for you.” I’m suddenly embarrassed that I didn’t even think to get him anything. Shit, he’s been by my side for weeks and I didn’t do anything. I feel absolutely terrible. I was able to get all of my Christmas shopping for my family done when I was home for Thanksgiving break. But I haven’t done anything since, and I certainly didn’t take the time to get anything for Kyle.

  “Carly, just open it, please.” He smiles at me and nudges the gift.

  “God I feel terrible Kyle. I don’t want to open this because I have nothing for you. This is so embarrassing.” I shake my head as I look away.

  “Carly.” Kyle insists.

  I slowly tear open the paper and gasp as I see my gift. It’s a beautiful journal, wrapped in light brown leather with my initials stitched into it. “Kyle…” I can’t get out the words.

  “I hope you like it,” he says. “I thought you’d like to have a journal, you know, to write down everything that you can’t say out loud.”

  I don’t know what to say to him. This is such a thoughtful gift and it’s as if he’s known me for years. I have a dozen journals tucked away in my closet upstairs that contain my private thoughts and musings for as long as I can remember. But I’ve never had one as beautiful as this.

  “Kyle, I love it,” I say as tears threaten to spill down my cheeks.

  I slowly turn towards him, lean close and wrap my arms around his neck, hugging him. He hesitantly puts his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. “You’re welcome, Carly,” he whispers into my ear, causing me to tremble. I’m lost in his arms and my heart is beating wildly in my chest. I panic a little as I realize how close we are and pull away. He easily releases me from our embrace and smiles.

  “I’m so glad,” he says as he squeezes my hand.

  “I just wish I got something for you,” I say as he quickly puts his finger against my lips to quiet me.

  “Carly, no need to say anything more. Your gift to me was this incredible Christmas dinner. I’m thankful to have a place to be today.”

  He removes his finger from my lips as he smiles.

  So I don’t say anything more. I lean over to the control box underneath our tree and switch it on.

  I lean into him and place my head on his shoulder as he takes my hand in his again.

  ‘Jingle Bells’ plays as we watch the lights twinkle and the Christmas tree slowly spin around.

  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

  Past

  Age 21

  When we arrive at the club, the entire band is there. Tristan and Dax wave to us as Garrett smirks. Since Alex and I became ‘official’ almost a year ago, Dax has accepted our relationship. Tristan never really cared. But Garrett is still a douche.

  Alex and I barely spoke another word as we walked to the club. Our silence was tangible. I’m sick to death of arguing with him over his unfounded jealousy. Seth has never crossed any boundaries. He is just my friend and Alex needs to learn how to accept this.

  “Alex! Are you ready to find our support act?”

  Alex smiles, lets go of my hand, and claps. “Yes! Let’s get this party started!”

  His mood changes immediately and he’s like a kid in a candy shop. He’s usually so hot and cold with his music, but this last album has really done well and has started to gain a more mainstream audience. In just under a year, Epic Fail has gained such momentum that they’ve been signed to a major indie label. The band has handled their rise to stardom fairly well. All except for Garrett. He’s taken to whoring around with as many groupies as he can get his hands on. Sometimes several at a time. His behavior disgusts me and, quite frankly, worries me about what’s going to happen on the road. Temptation will be all ov
er the place and I pray that Alex doesn’t get caught up in it.

  We settle into our favorite booth and Darcy brings ice water to our table right away.

  “Hi-ya kids! Any appetizers tonight?”

  “Sure, Tabs will have hot pretzels with spicy mustard and I’ll have chicken wings.”

  Alex ordered exactly what I wanted. He always does.

  Dax and Tristan slide in on either side of us, and Darcy is immediately back at the table with a pitcher of beer and two frosted mugs.

  “Our Darcy knows how to take care of us,” Tristan says as he fills up the glasses.

  She winks back at him. “Anything for you guys, you know that.”

  She walks away to help another table.

  “I’m excited to hear these three bands tonight. They all have such potential!” Tristan exclaims. He really is excited.

  “What bands are auditioning tonight?” I ask.

  “Punch Drunk, Bitter Pill, and Young Captives,” Dax answers. “I think Bitter Pill have the best chance. Plus their lead singer is HOT!” He elbows Alex and winks.

  “Dude, shut up!” Alex replies. He nudges close to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. He kisses me and whispers, “Don’t listen to that jerk.”

  Darcy brings back our appetizers and Tristan quickly grabs the nub from the end of one of my hot pretzels. “Tristan!” I try to grab his hand before he puts the piece into his mouth.

  “Sorry, I couldn’t resist Tabby.” He winks and chases the pretzel with a large gulp of beer.

  The first band, Punch Drunk, takes the stage. They immediately start their first song and the lead singer starts thrashing around the stage. Whoa! Way too punk rock for this tour. He’s got a great voice, but he’s singing so fast and he’s screeching many of the lyrics that it’s hard to appreciate. I can tell that Dax and Alex have lost interest rather quickly. Tristan finds this band amusing; I can tell by the way that he’s intently watching the lead singer and the drummer.