Dear Emily (Forever Family)

by Trudy Stiles

  “They selected Bitter Pill to open for them on tour.” I plop down on the couch next to him.

  “So?” He doesn’t understand what I’m getting at.

  “Seth, their lead singer is so incredible. Gorgeous. Perfect. Mysterious even. She’s everything that I’m not. Alex is going to be drawn to her, I can feel it.”

  I can’t believe this is coming out of my mouth. Where is this jealousy coming from? I’ve never been in a real relationship before, but still, I don’t like this feeling.

  “Tabby, I think you are overreacting. Alex would never. Would he?” Now Seth is starting to sound unsure.

  I immediately gasp and cover my face with my hands. “Seth, I don’t know. How could he want me if someone like her exists?” I start to cry into my hands. I can’t believe I’m coming apart at the seams over unfounded jealousy. I rub the faded scar on my cheek and begin to tremble.

  Seth turns to me and takes my hands from my face. He slowly wipes the tears from my cheeks and pushes my chin up so I’m looking at him.

  “Tabby, you are the most perfect, beautiful person that I’ve ever known. There is no way any sane person would ever do anything to jeopardize that. Not even Alex.”

  He rubs his thumb on my cheek swiping my falling tears.

  “Seth.” I’m touched by his tenderness and sincerity. He always knows what to say to me. I place my hands on his knees, lean into his hand and return his gaze.

  His eyes suddenly change and his stare becomes more intense. He licks his lips, takes a quick breath and suddenly his lips are on mine. He pulls my face into him and devours my lips. His kiss is frantic and tender at the same time.

  I don’t know what comes over me, but I begin to return his kiss. I bring my hands to his face and feel dampness on his cheeks. I don’t know if it’s from my tears or his own. He deepens our kiss and our tongues entwine together. His hands move from my face to my shoulders, down my arms and back to my face again.

  Then suddenly he’s not there. I feel a whoosh of air between us as he’s pulled away from me.

  I open my eyes and see that Alex has Seth by the neck and has thrown him up against the wall.

  “Alex! Stop! Don’t hurt him!” I yell. Alex doesn’t seem to hear me as he begins pummeling Seth’s face with his fists. Seth is doing nothing to fight back or protect himself.

  I jump up and try to pull Alex away.

  “Stop this!”

  Seth sinks to the floor in a daze as Alex turns to me. He has a wild look in his eyes and I’m suddenly afraid of him. I haven’t seen a look like that since Tony and he’s glaring at me with his fist still in the air.

  Sobbing, I back away.

  “Alex.” I bring my hand to my lips and realize what I have done.

  Seth sees the terror in my eyes and jumps up to get between Alex and me. “Alex, leave,” he says.

  Alex suddenly realizes his threatening stance towards me and immediately drops his bloody fist to his side. He glares at me as he turns and leaves the store.

  “Oh my God, Seth, what have I done?” I wail as I fall to my knees on the floor and my body starts trembling.

  Seth joins me on the floor and wraps his body around mine, absorbing my cries. He whispers something softly into my hair as my cries get louder.

  We remain huddled on the floor together, afraid to say another word.

  After a while, Seth helps me close up the shop and walks me home in silence. He touches my face as he leaves and says, “I’m here for you Tabby. Just say the word.”

  Once inside, I curl up on my couch and cry myself to sleep.

  ~

  A knocking sound startles me awake and I jump up from my couch. It’s after ten o’clock at night. I tense up as I wonder who it could be.

  I look through the peephole and start to tremble.

  Alex.

  “Tabs, open up. We need to talk.”

  I slowly open the door and step aside so he can come in.

  “Is he here?” he asks angrily.

  “No,” I whisper.

  He strides past me into the living room. “Tabitha, I don’t know what to say to you. I can’t fucking believe what I saw today! What you did with him!” He’s beginning to yell and I back away.

  I know what I did. I ruined us. I deserve whatever consequences he is about to lay on me.

  ‘I’m sorry Alex’ is all I can say. I begin to sob as I look into his eyes. He looks destroyed. I’ve done this to him. Taken away the love that he had for me.

  “You’re sorry? Tabs, seriously? What would have happened if I hadn’t walked in? Would you have fucked him? Wait, don’t answer that. I. Don’t. Want. To. Know.”

  He starts pacing through my living room.

  “What? No Alex! That’s not what that was!” I choke on my cries.

  “Then tell me, Tabitha, what was that? Because it sure looked like something intense to me.”

  “I don’t know,” I say.

  He walks over to me and grabs my wrists, pulling me against his chest. “Tell me, Tabby. Have you fucked him?” His tone is demanding.

  “No, Alex, No,” I whimper.

  He abruptly releases my wrists as he pushes me away from him.

  “I’m done. We. Are. Done.” He turns toward the door to leave.

  “Alex, no!” I cry.

  He turns to me and his eyes have nothing but hatred in them. I can’t believe what I’ve done to us. I’m deserving of his hateful stare.

  “Don’t Tabitha. I trusted you. I promised you that I would get over my issue with Seth. You swore to me yesterday that you only loved me. That you only wanted me. We made love yesterday! Well, what the fuck was that today? That wasn’t me that you were kissing, was it?”

  He pauses and shakes his head. “I’m done.”

  I’m silent. He’s right and I deserve this.

  “You did this to us, Tabitha.”

  He turns toward the door and leaves.

  I did this.

  And now I’ve lost the only man I’ve ever loved.

  New Brunswick, New Jersey

  Past

  Age 18

  The semester has been flying by. It’s spring and time for new beginnings, right? But today I’m not feeling hopeful or happy. I’m feeling dread and panic as I vomit for the second time this hour. I’m in the bathroom stall as I hear Callie’s voice outside. “Carly, honey, are you OK?”

  I wretch one more time and flush the toilet. I’m not fucking OK.

  Today I’m testifying at Todd’s trial.

  I slowly stand up and open the stall. Callie’s eyes are wide and comforting as she pulls me into her arms and whispers into my hair, “Honey, you are going to get through this. Remember what the prosecutor said. She’s going to make this as quick and painless for you as possible.”

  I walk over to the sink and splash water on my face.

  “Callie, I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t want to see him.” I begin to shake as I grasp the sides of the sink.

  “Carly, it’s going to be OK. We’ll all be there with you.”

  We walk into the hallway and see Becca, Manny, and Kyle waiting outside my dorm room.

  They all turn to me at the same time as Callie opens my door. Everyone enters my room slowly without saying a word.

  Ginger is in the room and I honestly haven’t seen her in what seems like months.

  “Hi Carly,” she says softly. “Good luck today. I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you.”

  I don’t think anyone could have surprised me more than Ginger just did. I can’t believe she actually cares. Of course, she knows about what happened because Todd’s attacks have been widely publicized on local news channels as well as around campus.

 
; “Thanks Ginger, that means a lot.” It does mean a lot considering Ginger hasn’t spoken to me since last semester. She picks up her backpack and leaves the room.

  Manny’s eyes follow her as she leaves. “All of a sudden she has a heart and treats you with respect. Go figure.” He huffs through his apparent sarcasm.

  “Manny, Ginger seems like she is trying.” Becca scolds him gently.

  “Car, is that what you are wearing?” Manny turns back to me as he eyes me up and down.

  “Um, yes.” I answer. I’m wearing a pair of dark corduroy pants and a sweater set that I received from my sister for Christmas.

  “Your clothes are too dark, Carly. I think you should change into something lighter, more freeing. You don’t want to look like the victim. You want to look confident and happy. You can’t give Todd any more of your anguish, Car.”

  Shit. Manny is right.

  “Alright, can you guys wait in the hall while I find something ‘less victim’ to wear?”

  Everyone leaves as I fumble through my closet and find something more appropriate to wear. I finish getting dressed and open my door.

  Kyle immediately reaches out his hand and grabs mine. “Let’s go killer.” He smiles and winks at me as he pulls me into his side. I melt into him and reach out to grab Callie’s hand.

  I’m trembling slightly as she says, “He can’t hurt you again, Carly. It’s your turn to hurt him and send him away for a very long time.” She squeezes tight and smiles softly.

  Becca chokes on a light sob as Manny wraps his arm around her shoulder. “Let’s do this!” He says as we step onto the elevator.

  ~

  We arrive at the courthouse to a barrage of media and reporters. Shit!

  I can’t believe how much coverage this story is getting. I see local and major news station vehicles parked in the street, each with huge satellite dishes. Kyle and I are riding in the back of Becca’s car and he reaches over and slowly pulls my hood over my head. “Incognito,” he whispers in my ear.

  We find parking and quickly make our way inside the courthouse. Thankfully, no one recognizes me and we’re able to enter uneventfully.

  Once inside, the assistant prosecutor approaches me. “Carly, sorry to rush you, but we need to get you into the witness room. Your friends will have to find a seat inside the courtroom as we go over our final preparations for your testimony.”

  Kyle is still holding my hand as he squeezes. “Carly, it’s OK. I’ll be right inside if you need me for anything.” He smiles softly and reluctantly drops my hand.

  I turn to the assistant prosecutor and say, “OK.”

  Kyle, Manny, Callie, and Becca enter the courtroom. As the door opens, I can see my family already seated in one of the first rows. My father turns to my friends and waves them to the empty bench behind them. I find it ironic that my family has saved seats for my friends to witness me recounting one of the most horrific things that has ever happened to me.

  I watch the door close and walk toward the witness room.

  I’m prepped and quizzed by the assistant prosecutor for just a few minutes before we hear my name over the intercom.

  “Carly Sloan, to the witness stand.”

  I feel faint as I stand up and slowly walk through the door and into the courtroom.

  Silence follows me as I’m instructed to take the stand and I’m sworn in. I sit down and look over to my family and friends as my hands begin to tremble. Kyle’s eyes are soft and glistening as he nods slowly and smiles.

  I can do this. It’s only going to take a few minutes.

  I then scan the room as my eyes fall on Todd, who is seated at a table on the left hand side of the room. He smirks at me and shakes his head back and forth. He’s trying to intimidate me.

  I shiver and move my unsteady hands into my lap.

  “Carly Sloan, can you please tell the jury in your own words what Todd Mitchell did to you on the nights of October 31st and December 17th?”

  Wow, way to jump right in.

  So I tell them. Everything.

  I’m sobbing as I finish telling the last thing that I remember of Todd attacking me in the library.

  “I have nothing further, Your Honor,” the prosecutor states as he looks to the defense attorney.

  “I have no questions, Your Honor,” Todd’s defense attorney states.

  What? I’m finished?

  The prosecution team prepared me for a round of cross-examination questions from Todd’s defense, but apparently, that’s not happening.

  Thankful by this unexpected turn of events, I stand up on shaking legs and make my way out of the courtroom. Todd is looking down at his hands and Kyle immediately stands up and is at my side as he walks me the rest of the way out.

  As the door closes behind us, he pulls me into his arms and kisses the top of my head. “It’s over Carly. It’s over.” He’s stroking my hair and squeezing me tight.

  I lose whatever composure I had maintained and start to quiver in his arms, sobbing hysterically.

  “Shh, Carly. I’m here.” He’s reassuring me as he leads me out of the courthouse toward the parking garage. The media has moved inside the building and we avoid them once again.

  We climb into the back of Becca’s car as he pulls me tight into his side.

  “Thank you, Kyle,” I sob. “I don’t know what I would do without you here.”

  He kisses the top of my head as he runs his hands along my long hair. “I’ll always be here, Carly.”

  I believe him.

  Everyone eventually files out of the courthouse and Becca drives us back to campus. Kyle quietly takes me to my room and we silently cuddle together on my bed.

  We stay like this for what seems like hours.

  I drift off to sleep while safely wrapped in his arms.

  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

  Past

  Age 21

  I have been home for days, not able to leave my bed. Kirsten has covered all of my shifts at the bookstore and Dottie thankfully is covering the diner.

  I’m devastated by my actions and just can’t believe what I’ve done to Alex. I’ve destroyed a relationship with the love of my life. The only real relationship that I have ever had. He hates me now and I completely deserve it.

  I curl up into my pillows and cry again. I don’t know how many more tears I can shed. I’m empty inside.

  I hear my bedroom door open slowly and I turn to see who is here.

  “Seth,” I say quietly.

  He silently slips into bed behind me, wraps his arms around me, spooning me. “Shhh Tabby. Don’t cry,” he whispers in my ear. “I’m so sorry. This is my fault.” I feel his lips next to my ear and his soft breath on my neck.

  I don’t speak as he continues. “I don’t know what came over me Tabby. You seemed so worried the other day about Alex and I just wanted to comfort you. When I saw your tears, I lost it. I hate it when you cry and I don’t want you ever crying over him. He doesn’t deserve you.”

  He kisses my head again and then trails soft kisses down my neck. “Tabby, you deserve to be taken care of, cherished, loved.” His lips are back on my neck more firmly. My body begins to respond to his tenderness and I start to lean my back into him. “Seth,” I whisper.

  “Don’t say anything Tabby, just listen.” His hand lightly travels down my arm as he entwines his fingers with mine. I can feel his arousal pressing lightly into my back. My breathing picks up as he says, “The very first day that I saw you, I just knew that you were made for me, Tabby. I made you smile, remember?” I nod as I remember his smile and his perfect teeth that first time I served him in the diner. I remember how soft and kind he was. Unthreatening. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me tighter against him. I’m breathing harder now as ou
r bodies move against each other.

  “You were my first friend here, Tabby. I broke through your shell and you let me in.” His warm breath is now on the back of my neck as he places soft kisses there and over to my shoulder.

  I shudder as he slides the straps of my nightie down past my shoulder. He places his open mouth where his fingers were and swirls his tongue on my skin.

  “Tabby, you are so beautiful. Inside and out.”

  He’s whispering as he kisses his way down my arm. He rolls me onto my back and maneuvers himself on top of me so that he’s resting with his elbows on either side of my head. His arousal is firmly pressed into my belly and I suddenly need him lower.

  He locks his gaze on mine and says, “I love you Tabby. I always have.” Before I can react, he crashes his lips into mine.

  Tears stream down my cheeks as I’m overwhelmed by his admission. His tenderness. I part my lips and our tongues become entwined. I arch my back and press my core into him. I need him.

  He quickly frees himself from his pants, reaches between us, and pushes my panties aside. His fingers swirl between my legs as he positions himself above me.

  “Seth!” I beg him. “Please.”

  Our lips collide as he thrusts into me. Filling me. I’m crying thinking about all that I have done and what I am doing. I’m betraying Alex. I’m doing exactly what he accused me of.

  I’m overcome with emotion when Seth whispers in my ear, “I love you.”

  I come apart as I climax, sobbing into his shoulder. What have I done?

  Seth continues to push inside me until he softly moans. “Tabby.” I feel his release and he slowly lowers himself next to me.

  He pulls out of me and pulls me back into a spooning position.

  “Don’t say anything, Tabby. I can’t bear to hear that you aren’t able to return my feelings,” he whispers into my ear. “Just let me hold you. Please.”