Dear Emily (Forever Family)

by Trudy Stiles

  I laugh through my tears, jump up and run toward his car.

  “Are you ready?” he asks as I slide into the front seat.

  He reaches across the center console and grabs my hand.

  “I’m ready, Kyle. More than you know.”

  I squeeze back as he pulls my hand to his lips and kisses it.

  We pull out of our driveway and head toward Philadelphia.

  Oh my God, we are about to become parents.

  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

  Present

  Age 22

  Shit! That last wave of contractions was so intense. After yelling for pain medication, my doctor finally gave me an epidural so now I feel nothing but slight pressure.

  Kirsten left a few minutes ago to go back to the bookstore. She has a signing to host tonight and couldn’t stay with me in the hospital any longer. She felt bad, but really, what could she do?

  I promised her that I would be fine until Carly and Kyle get here.

  Honestly, I need some alone time.

  I hear Emily’s heartbeat over the fetal monitors.

  A deep sob escapes my chest as I place both of my hands on my belly.

  Emily.

  I feel her moving beneath my hands as pressure builds again in my abdomen and back. The doctor said I will be transitioning into harder labor soon, but thankfully, I can’t feel it. I’m eight centimeters dilated, and I could reach ten any time now. She’s almost here.

  As tears stream down my face, I close my eyes and picture what could have been if Alex was the father of my baby.

  I see Alex’s face clearly and he’s cradling a little baby in his arms. She’s wearing a pink cap on her head and she’s squeezing his pinky finger. He’s smiling ear-to-ear as he brushes his nose to hers. He kisses her softly on her forehead and looks up at me. “I love you, Tabs,” he whispers. “She’s perfect. Our daughter Emily is just perfect.”

  He reaches his hand out to me and pulls me into his side. I touch Emily’s warm cheek and smile.

  I open my eyes and snap back to reality.

  God what have I done? I’m taking that vision away from Alex. From Emily. I’m not even giving them the opportunity to know each other. I’m destroying that future. Crushing it with this one decision. It’s not fair what I’m doing, what I’ve done to Alex.

  The guilt overwhelms me and I begin sobbing into my pillow. I can barely breathe. Why didn’t I make a different choice? I would have never kissed Seth. Alex would be here for me now. If he were the father, we’d be having this baby together. The way that it is supposed to be.

  I feel pressure in my belly and another wave of contractions hit me.

  I wrap my hands around my baby bump as my grief consumes me.

  One of my nurses comes into the room.

  “Tabitha, are you OK? Honey, why are you crying?” she asks.

  I’m sobbing so hard, it’s difficult to catch my breath.

  “I’m just not ready to say goodbye,” I’m able to say. I’m weeping harder now and I just can’t seem to stop.

  “Honey, are you ready to speak with your social worker? Are you changing your mind? It’s OK if you do. You are in the driver’s seat here Tabitha. This is your decision.”

  I barely hear the words she is saying to me. What does register is that I can change my mind. There is still time. I can make my dreams come true. I can stop this adoption from happening and find Alex. I can introduce him to Emily and we can become a family. If he would even want me back. I imagine our family on the road with a band. With dirty groupies throwing themselves at Alex.

  I shake my head. “No, I just need some time alone.”

  She leaves the room quickly. I’m a fucking mess, no wonder she bolted.

  What am I thinking? Can things possibly get better for me if I do track down Alex? What will he think when he realizes that I kept this from him? And what if he’s not the father? He’ll hate me even more than he already does. Emily doesn’t deserve that. No.

  I’m devastated by the magnitude of this decision. All of the lives that I’ve ruined along the way by making the decisions that I have. I’ve been completely selfish, thinking this is the best decision for everyone involved. I’ve destroyed my relationship with Alex and I shut Seth out on purpose. I’m despicable. I don’t deserve Emily. I’m never going to be a good mother, lover, friend.

  I think about Seth. I grab my chest as a new sob engulfs me. He doesn’t want to be a father now. But he’d be a wonderful father. Tears stream down my face as I realize the enormity of what I did to him.

  He loved me from the moment we first met at the diner. He settled for my friendship because he knew I couldn’t give him anything more. I was in love with Alex and Seth gave me all of himself. He was even going to marry me to keep me happy. In his desperate attempts to keep me, he was willing to compromise everything that he wanted. I’m bawling gigantic, ugly tears now. I destroyed the one person that loved and protected me no matter what. He never backed down, even when Alex was at his throat, threatening him. Seth loved me more than anyone ever has. I just couldn’t love him back. Not the way that he loved me. I fucking ruined him. Crushed him.

  Would he come back if I asked? Of course, he would. He’d compromise himself to make sure that Emily and I had the life we deserved. He would give us everything and too much of himself. He’d wind up resenting me, hating me. I can’t do that to him or me.

  Then I shudder as I think about Tony. If he ever finds me, I’m dead. I can’t put Emily in that kind of danger. Deep down, I know that Tony will find me.

  Fuck! Pain shoots through my abdomen and through my core. The epidural must be wearing off. I wail in pain as I weep for all that I have lost.

  Sara.

  Alex.

  Seth.

  Emily.

  The nurse comes rushing in. “Tabitha, let’s check your vitals, shall we?”

  She looks at the monitor and slips on a glove. She feels my cervix and nods.

  “It’s time to start pushing, Tabitha. Let me get the doctor.”

  I’m not ready! I don’t want to say goodbye yet. I’m choking on my sobs as the nurse leaves room.

  “No!”

  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

  Present

  Age 29

  “No!” I hear Tabitha scream. “I’m not ready!”

  Oh my God. I grab Kyle’s hand and suck in my breath.

  “It’s OK, Car. Relax,” he whispers to me.

  Tabitha’s wails echo throughout the maternity ward.

  Michelle, her social worker, joins us in the hallway.

  “Tabitha has been having a very rough time. Her emotions are understandably unstable at the moment. She’s been wavering on her decision to give her baby up.”

  I gasp and feel faint. No! Please, she can’t change her mind now. Oh my God. I feel as if my world is crashing down around me. Emily is our daughter. I haven’t laid eyes on her yet, but she’s ours. I start to sob and Kyle wraps his arms tightly around me.

  “Oh, Carly, Kyle, I’m not trying to get you upset. I’m just preparing you for what you are about to experience. You need to guard your hearts. She is really struggling with this and will be wavering until the final moments. This is expected. You have to put yourselves in her shoes. How would you be feeling right now if you were about to give up your baby?”

  God, I can’t even imagine. My gut clenches as I feel the pain that Tabitha must be feeling. How can she do this? How can she give up her baby? My shoulders begin to shake as tears flow down my cheeks.

  “What can we do, Michelle? I’m worried for her.”

  Kyle rubs my back and says, “We’ll follow your lead. Please let us know what we should do next. You say to guard our hearts, but we are far be
yond that, Michelle. We are in love with our little girl already.” His eyes are glistening and I can tell he’s about to lose his composure. I turn and throw myself into his arms.

  A nurse joins us in the hallway. “She’s asking for you all.”

  “What? Us?” I ask incredulously.

  “Yes! Hurry up! The baby isn’t going to wait!”

  Michelle grabs my hand and pulls me into the delivery room.

  Tabitha is openly crying, sobbing, shaking. She looks terrified.

  “Carly,” she cries. I rush to her side and grab her hand.

  “It’s OK, Tabitha, we’re here.” I reach behind me and squeeze Kyle’s hand.

  “We’re both here for you. For whatever you need.”

  I start to cry as I smooth her hair around her face.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she sobs.

  Oh no! She’s sorry? Oh my God, she has changed her mind! I start to cry and brush her tears from her face.

  “Tabitha, it’s OK. I can’t imagine what you are going through and understand if you can’t go through with this.” I’m devastated, but I really do understand. I could never do what she was going to do.

  Kyle comes up behind me and begins to hold my shoulders steady as my sobs threaten to overtake my composure. He rubs my arms and whispers into my ear, “It’s OK, Carly. It’s OK.”

  I then repeat the mantra to Tabitha as I continue to smooth her hair. “It’s OK, Tabitha. It’s OK.” The more I say it, the more I want to believe that it will be OK.

  “Carly, I need you to stay with me while she is born. Can you stay?” Tabitha begs me, pleading.

  “Of course, Tabitha. I’m not going anywhere.”

  The nurse chimes in, “She’s ready to start pushing. The baby’s head has fully crowned. I’ll go get the doctor and we should have a Halloween baby shortly!”

  Tabitha starts sobbing again. “It’s my birthday today, Halloween.”

  “What? You’re kidding?” I exclaim. “You and Emily will share this special day. That is so wonderful.”

  The doctor comes rushing in.

  “So, who’s ready to have a baby?”

  He settles on a stool at the end of the bed and instructs, “Tabitha, it’s time to push.”

  She looks up at me with wide eyes, squeezes my hand, and bears down.

  After doing this same routine several more times, the doctor exclaims, “And we have a healthy baby girl.” Her cry is almost immediate and he places Emily onto Tabitha’s chest.

  She looks down at her daughter and calm envelopes her face.

  “Hi beautiful girl,” she says as her eyes light up. Emily is looking into her mother’s eyes.

  “Oh God, you are so perfect, Emily!” Tabitha exclaims as she nuzzles her nose into hers.

  I begin to back away so I can give her privacy with her little girl. Their lives together are beginning in this moment and it’s time for me to fade away.

  The nurse asks, “Who is cutting the cord?”

  I look away, certainly not me. This is Tabitha’s time now. She made her decision and it’s time for Kyle and me to move on.

  “Kyle?” I hear Tabitha ask.

  I turn around and look into her eyes. They are glistening with tears and she puts her hand over her mouth to hide her sobs. Her shoulders are shaking with her cries.

  “Kyle, please cut the cord,” she says between sobs. “It’s customary that her father do this.”

  What? Her father?

  “But Tabitha, I thought…”

  She stops me and says, “Carly, Kyle. You are her parents. Please Kyle, cut the cord.”

  I let go of Kyle’s hand so he can do as he is asked.

  “Tabitha,” I’m able to say, somewhat coherently.

  “Thank you.”

  I lose it and completely break down. I put my face into her hair and watch as Kyle cuts the umbilical cord. He reaches over and places his palm over the crown of Emily’s head. Tears are now streaming down his face as he says to Tabitha, “Thank you.”

  The nurse takes Emily from Tabitha’s arms to weigh her and clean her off.

  The three of us are holding hands and crying. It’s beautiful but so tragic.

  Tabitha is giving up her beautiful daughter. To us. How can she do this? She’s met Emily. She’s seen how perfect and beautiful she is. How is it possible that a mother is able to give up her child?

  “Tabitha, are you OK?” I ask.

  She pulls her hands from Kyle’s and mine and begins to wipe away the tears from her face. She keeps her hands over her face for a moment, removes them, and looks up at us.

  “No, I’m not OK. But I will be. It’s all because of you that I will be. I’m going to strive to have what you and Kyle have someday. I’ll find my happily ever after. It just isn’t now.”

  She looks over at Emily who is crying as she’s being cleaned up.

  “Emily has always been your daughter. Always. She deserves you both and the life that you are going to give her. Just like you deserve her.”

  Her sobs return. “You are the perfect family.”

  She lowers her head into her hands and starts bawling again.

  The nurse brings a freshly swaddled Emily over to us. She motions to Tabitha who shakes her head. Tears still flowing down her cheeks.

  “Please give Emily to her mother,” she says through her sobs.

  I contain my own cries as I reach out for Emily. She is sleeping again as I cradle her in my arms.

  “Tabitha… She is just perfect.” I smile as I stare at my daughter.

  Kyle is suddenly next to me and he wraps his hands around my waist. “She’s beautiful, Tabitha.”

  We are all silent for what seems like hours. I can’t stop staring at this beautiful creature. My daughter. Emily.

  The nurse comes over to me and gently takes Emily.

  “We have to run all of her newborn screens. We’ll be back shortly, so you can feed her, Daddy.” She indicates that Kyle is on deck for his next fatherly duty.

  I sit next to Tabitha and reach for my purse.

  “I have something for you, Tabitha. It’s just a small token of how eternally grateful we are to you.”

  I take out the small jewelry box and hand it to Tabitha.

  She looks up at me through her tear streaked eyes and face.

  “You didn’t have to get me anything, Carly. This is too much.”

  “Tabitha, you just gave us a piece of you. This is so small, insignificant even. Please, open the box.”

  She does.

  Her eyes find mine as a tear rolls down her cheek.

  “Carly, it’s beautiful.”

  She removes the heart shaped locket from the box and holds it in her fingers.

  “We will send you special photos of Emily for your new locket. You’ll always have her close to your heart.” I smile.

  “Wow. It’s perfect,” she says softly.

  Michelle speaks up. “OK, Tabitha needs her rest. Carly, Kyle, you can go next door. We have a private room set up for you to bond with Emily. Kyle, you should get ready to feed her.” She smiles as she gestures toward the door.

  I turn to Tabitha.

  “Are you sure?” I ask her. I feel that I need to ask, just one more time.

  “I’ve never been more sure of a decision. Emily is your daughter now. Please love her as much as I do.”

  I throw myself into Tabitha’s open arms and sob into her chest.

  “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you…”

  Kyle comes up behind me and gently pulls me away from Tabitha.

  “Tabitha, you have no idea what you’ve done for us,” he says through his own tears. “Thank you.”

 
She closes her eyes and lowers her head as we turn to leave the room.

  “Goodbye,” she whispers.

  I hear her soft sobs as Kyle and I leave the room to bond with our new baby.

  Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

  Present

  Age 22

  It’s been four weeks since I gave birth.

  Since I gave Emily away.

  I reach up and grab the locket around my neck. Carly and Kyle sent me the first picture of Emily just days after they got home. It’s a photo of Emily sound asleep in her cradle. She looks so peaceful.

  I rub the heart as I hear the door chimes.

  I turn quickly to face the door. It’s just Kirsten. I don’t know who else I would be expecting.

  Alex?

  Seth?

  I can’t believe that it’s been four weeks.

  I feel empty.

  “Hey honey, how are you?” Kirsten sees my distress.

  “I’m OK.” I lie.

  “How can you be OK, Tabby? You gave up your baby girl a month ago. It’s fine if you’re not OK.”

  Truth. It’s fine to break down several times a day. It’s normal. At least that’s what my therapist tells me.

  However, for me, my grief is double.

  I’ve lost two babies.

  I’ve lost two loves.

  I have to learn how to live again.

  I pick up the box of new books and move toward one of the shelves along the wall. I breathe in the scent of the books and this calms me.

  “I’m going to be OK, Kirsten. I promise I will. Dr. Randall tells me that as each day passes, my pain will be less and less. I’m hoping to replace the pain with new memories.”

  I don’t know where these new memories are going to come from, but it’s worth a shot at something.

  Kirsten plops down on the couch.

  “We’ll make memories together. You and me, Tabby. We can be each other’s family. You know that I’m always here for you. I love you girl.”