The Disappeared

by C. J. Harper

  ‘Mum!’

  ‘Shh,’ she says, but she wraps me in her arms anyway. We stay like that for a long time. ‘It will be all right,’ she says. I try to believe that it’s possible for anything to ever be all right again.

  Eventually I pull away. ‘You shouldn’t be here. What if someone else comes?’

  ‘I know. I just had to see that you were okay. When I heard that you’d been excluded I didn’t realise what it meant. My roommate said something this morning. You know, I think she enjoyed shocking me, and then I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t get out of that stupid door to come and get you and . . .’ She catches her breath. ‘But you’re okay. You are okay, aren’t you?’

  She’s searching my face. I don’t have the energy to tell her about Wilson now.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I say.

  We hear a door slamming somewhere out on the corridor.

  ‘I have to go.’ She kisses my forehead and leaves.

  When I wake again there are students coming into the dormitory. I roll over and watch the door, waiting for Kay. I see her white-blonde head peer around the door; she looks straight to my bed.

  ‘Blake!’

  ‘Kay.’ In spite of everything my heart lifts.

  ‘You came back,’ she says.

  ‘Yes,’ I say. But Wilson didn’t. Wilson will never come back. I look at Kay. No one is going to take her away. A wave of desperation rises up in me. ‘Listen,’ I say. I stand up and grab hold of her hand. ‘Kay, you have to promise me that you’ll come with me and Mum when we escape.’

  ‘I’m not talking escaping more times. Specials can’t escape,’ she says, pulling hand away.

  ‘Why not?’

  Kay throws up both her hands in frustration.

  ‘Why won’t you just talk to me about it?’ I say.

  ‘Because it’s an efwurding stupid idea.’

  It’s like she’s slapped me in the face. She brings her arms back down to her sides.

  ‘I don’t want to have bad words with you,’ she says. ‘I want you tell me about all things that happened to you outside.’ She touches me gently on the arm.

  I want to tell her everything.

  ‘Hey Kay,’ Lou yells from the other end of the dormitory. ‘Rex wants you.’

  Kay looks back at me.

  ‘You don’t have to go,’ I say.

  ‘Blake,’ she says. Already she’s tensed up, looking after Lou; she can hardly bear to still be here when she could be dashing off to her precious Rex. ‘I want to talk. I do. When I come back?’

  ‘It’s fine. You don’t have to talk to me. I just don’t see why you have to run because Ape-boy has called you.’

  She touches my arm again, but this time I pull away.

  ‘Because I want to be Dom. Rex chooses who is Dom.’

  A wave of anger washes over me. ‘Why is that? Why does everyone have to listen to Rex and do what he says? He’s not smart or brave . . . It’s just because he’s ginger and his name is Rex.’

  ‘Blake, don’t! Some people could hear you,’ she says. ‘Anyway Rex isn’t real his name—’

  ‘I like to think he’s called Pig-face,’ I interrupt.

  ‘—that’s what they’re all called.’

  I stop fiddling with the label on my blanket. ‘What do you mean, that’s what they’re all called?’

  ‘You know. The top Red. He’s always called Rex.’

  I feel a rush of cold in my chest. ‘Oh, that’s just lovely. You know what Rex means don’t you?’

  ‘Yes. I said it. The top Red.’

  ‘I know, I know, but in Latin – that’s a language they spoke a really long time ago – it means king.’

  ‘What’s “king”?’

  ‘An important person. He tells everyone what to do.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Those Reds fancy themselves, don’t they?’

  Kay shrugs her shoulders. She won’t say anything against the Reds.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ I say. ‘Is Dom really called Dom?’

  ‘No, it’s the littler word for, you know . . .’

  ‘Stop saying “you know”, Kay. I don’t know, do I? I haven’t grown up here and if I’m ever going to work out how to get out of here then it would help if you could tell me things without treating me like an idiot for not knowing in the first place.’

  ‘Don’t bad talk me like that. Just because I can’t talk satin—’

  I snort. ‘Latin, Kay, it’s Latin.’

  ‘You won’t laugh at me when I’m Dom.’ She glares at me.

  What a mess. A moment ago she was pleased to see me. I can’t bear to fall out with Kay on top of everything else. ‘I’m not laughing,’ I say. ‘Look, what is Dom short for?’

  ‘Domina. What does that mean in . . . Latin?’

  ‘Lady or mistress.’ This is weird. ‘It’s like someone has thought this out. Tell me some more names for things,’ I say.

  She thinks for a moment, ‘Sometimes Reds are called Rufus – does that mean red?’

  ‘Sort of. It’s more like ruddy. Seems like someone is mocking the Reds.’

  ‘What’s “mocking”?’

  ‘Making fun of them, laughing at them.’

  ‘You’d have to be stupid to laugh at the Reds.’

  ‘I do it.’

  ‘I know.’

  I pull a face at Kay.

  ‘Why are you all –’ she clenches a fist and grits her teeth ‘– like this? We knowed that Rex is the king.’

  ‘But who thought up these names?’ I ask.

  ‘I don’t know, people a big time back. Maybe the first Rex.’ Her eyes are on the door. She thinks I’m a waste of time and can’t wait to run to him instead.

  ‘I know you don’t like it when I question what Specials know,’ I say. ‘But let me ask you this: have you ever been taught any Latin?’

  ‘No,’ she says.

  ‘Do you think that they have ever taught Latin at the Academy?’

  ‘No. They don’t teach us any words, do they?’

  ‘So it seems unlikely to me that a Special made up those names,’ I say.

  ‘Who did then?’ She can’t help it, she’s interested.

  ‘I’d guess an enforcer, probably Rice. He’s got a pretty sick sense of humour.’

  ‘Rice? No, it was before him. From when the Academy beginned.’

  I stand still. I feel as if I’m falling backwards and that the room is rushing away from me, but when I look at my feet I’m still here. It’s like a series of tumblers falling into place in a lock. My growing uneasiness about everything suddenly makes sense.

  A thousand snippets of information, lingering doubts, unanswered questions and little clues have suddenly joined up in my mind. And the big clues that I’ve just been trying to ignore: a police force who don’t want to investigate certain crimes, an education system that mistreats children, and a government that makes sure no one really questions anything.

  ‘When you think about it, it’s obvious,’ I say finally. ‘It’s all the Leadership, all The Leader.’

  ‘What is The Leader?’ Kay asks.

  ‘Everything that is wrong. The leader is controlling everyone’

  I lift a hand to push my hair out of my eyes and it shakes. Kay looks at the hand and then at my face. She puts an arm around me and leads me into the bathroom and into the cubicle in the furthest corner and locks the door behind us. She sits me down. ‘Tell me,’ she says.

  ‘But Rex . . .’

  ‘Efwurd Rex. Tell me everything.’

  And for the first time I tell her exactly what has happened to me. Everything from the moment the men attacked me and Wilson in the factory block. What the old woman said. Having my records wiped. P.C. Barnes telling me to change my name. Finding Wilson again and what those awful boys will have done with him.

  Afterwards I realise that I’ve been crying and that Kay is holding my hand.

  ‘Oh, Blake,’ she says when I’m finished.

  ‘All
my life I’ve behaved exactly as they wanted me to. They train the Academy kids to man their factories and they train the Learning Community kids to use their brains to further the system, but we’re told not to think about what it’s really all about. I’m an idiot for not realising before.’

  But in a way I did realise. I can see now that a part of me knew something was wrong. Learning Communities are supposed to encourage questions, but there were certain questions we knew not to ask. And then there were the rumours about terrorists who wanted to bring the Leadership down. We were made to believe that they were evil people, but now I see that I should have tried to find out why they wanted to remove the government.

  Kay reaches out with her other hand and strokes my hair. ‘Blake, you’re all no colour,’ she says.

  ‘I knew, Kay. I knew that there was something wrong with the way Academies are hidden away. I knew it was wrong to separate factory workers from everybody else. I knew that there wasn’t enough criticism of the Leadership. I even knew there was weird stuff going on at the Learning Community. I just chose not to think about it.’

  ‘How is all this coming from Rex’s name?’

  ‘Because the Specials thought that they had something that was theirs. They thought that even in this horrible place that they could make their own little gang with its own little names. But they were wrong. Even that is something they were made to do. And it’s the same with the kids in the Learning Community – they’re not in control either. They’ve got to grow up to be good little Leadership team members. And if they don’t . . .’

  Efwurd. What about that rebellious boy, Fisher? And that enforcer they said had killed him and been sent to the Wilderness. Maybe they just didn’t fit in with the Learning Community’s plan for them. And now that I think about it, they weren’t the only two to leave without much of an explanation. I slam my palm against my forehead.

  ‘I’ve been having these thoughts about the Leadership for weeks. Why didn’t I put it all together?’

  Kay gives me a lopsided smile. ‘Because you didn’t want to.’

  It’s true. My throat is tightening. ‘You don’t seem surprised. Did you already know all this?’ I say.

  ‘It’s easier to see the bad when bad is happening to you. When you have nice things you can look at the nice things and not see the bad.’

  ‘And that’s the problem isn’t? How will things ever change when no one wants to look at what’s happening?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she says.

  ‘Neither do I. But I swear to you that somehow I am going to make people see what’s going on.’

  Kay stays with me that whole night. She doesn’t even send a message to Rex. We go down to the salon, which is warmer than the bathroom, and sit in the same chair together. We don’t talk much. Just being next to her makes me feel better. Later, when we’re in bed, just after the lights flick off I hear Kay roll over to face my bed. ‘I will come with you on Saturday,’ she whispers.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say. And I don’t just mean for agreeing to escape.

  As the week goes on I start to think much more clearly. Now when Wilson comes into my mind I’m filled with anger instead of sadness and the anger powers me. I know that we will get out of here and I am determined that once we do, I will expose this whole rotten, corrupt system and things will change. Things have got to change. The days pass in a blur. I avoid looking at my mother in class. Once during an afternoon session Rice appears at the door, causing my heart to ricochet around my chest. I expect him to pull me from the grid, but he just lingers in the doorway watching my mother deliver a lesson on microchips. She pretends not to notice him and in the end he leaves without a word.

  On the day of our escape I’m so afraid of accidentally giving the game away that I spend most of my time with my eyes fixed on the floor. At dinner time Kay leans into my pod. ‘I said to the Specials no reading classes, so do you want to teach me?’ she says.

  It’s like she’s asked me on a date. I can’t help smiling. She smiles back.

  ‘Is that a yes smile?’ she says.

  ‘Yes.’ It will be good to have something to do other than worry.

  ‘We could go to a Making room.’

  I don’t know what to say.

  ‘It’s quiet there and no one will see,’ she says.

  I stare at her.

  She leans closer. ‘No one will see the book,’ she whispers.

  ‘The book, yes the book. I’ll, um, get the book and meet you down there.’

  Kay nods.

  I go upstairs. It’s only a reading lesson, I tell myself. But I’m still smiling.

  When I get downstairs I see lots of Specials pairing up and disappearing behind doors. As the throng parts I see Kay standing outside a cubicle. Talking to Rex. The butterfly that was in my chest turns into a rock. Kay looks up and sees me; I think that she’s going to say something, but she turns back to Rex. He follows her gaze and spots me.

  ‘It’s Blakey-boy!’

  He’s in one of his jolly moods. I hate it when he pretends we’re mates.

  ‘You getting some Making?’ he asks. ‘It’s been a big wait for you! What girl is it?’

  I look at Kay. She looks at her feet.

  Rex laughs. ‘Oh, she’s a good girl. She fights hard. I bet she Makes hard too.’ He turns to leer at Kay. ‘Maybe I should Make with you one day.’

  I expect Kay to punch him, but instead she just smiles up at him, as if that’s exactly what she’d like. Then he pats her on her bottom and swaggers off to talk to a bunch of Reds at the other end of the corridor.

  ‘Are you going to let him get away with that?’

  ‘Blake—’

  ‘Because we both know that you wouldn’t let anyone else speak to you like that. You certainly wouldn’t let anyone else touch you like—’

  ‘Blake, it’s Rex. I don’t want to make trouble. I don’t want him to start thinking a thing is going on. We have to be careful.’

  ‘Don’t give me that. This is a perfect opportunity for you to tell him what a pig he is, but even though we are leaving—’

  ‘Shh,’ she hisses.

  I lower my voice, ‘Even though we’re going, you can’t help yourself, can you? You think he’s so crimson that you just have to suck up. You couldn’t even bring yourself to tell him that you were with me, could you? You don’t want to spend time in a Making room with me when you could be with Rex.’ I finish up out of breath and glaring at her.

  She doesn’t deny it.

  Eventually she sighs and takes a slow breath like I’m this immature little kid that she’s got to try to explain things to. ‘Blake—’

  ‘Don’t,’ I say and storm off to the salon.

  The room is empty when I get there and I slump down in one of the chairs.

  I think of all the bad things anyone ever told me about Academy girls. I thought Kay was different. Obviously I was wrong.

  Later I go to see Ilex to talk to him about tonight. ‘Remember, I’ll meet my mum and then I’ll come and get you two,’ I say.

  ‘What about Kay?’ Ilex asks.

  ‘I don’t think Kay is coming.’ Before he can start asking questions about that I remind him that they need to wear both their uniforms and bring the food we’ve been hoarding, then I go back to my own dormitory.

  I’ve been lying in bed for about an hour when the senior Specials’ buzzer goes and the door is locked, but Kay is still not in her bed. She must be somewhere with Rex. I’m not sure I care any more. I’m getting out of here and if she wants to stay with her precious Rex then that’s up to her.

  I wait for what I hope is several hours. Most of the Specials seem to be asleep. Someone turns over and the bed creaks. Further up the dormitory there is some whispering. I slide out of bed and tip-toe towards the bathroom. Out in the corridor, I stop and listen. I can hear the impec-cables’ patrol lumbering their way down the stairs. I press myself into the shadows and wait until their heavy footsteps fade away.
/>   Once I’m in the classroom, I look up at the clock on the wall. Its digital display glows green in the darkness. 00.38 – I’ve got a while to wait. Time drags by.

  At 1.50 I start to watch the door. I’m twitching in anticipation.

  Two o’clock comes and goes.

  2.09.

  2.16.

  I’m panicking. What if my mother’s roommate has caught her? What if her fake name has been discovered?

  2.24.

  She’s not coming. Something must have happened. My stomach lurches and I start to imagine the worst again. I mustn’t panic; perhaps she’s just waiting for the coast to be clear. I sit with my mind in a whirl for over an hour. The last time I look at the clock it’s 3.23.

  The next thing I know I’m waking up with a crick in my neck from where I’ve fallen asleep hunched up in a compartment. The grid door is hissing open.

  It’s Ilex.

  ‘Blake,’ he whispers, ‘you didn’t come. Ali is in the LER.’

  I look at the clock. It’s gone five. She didn’t come. Something must have stopped her. I rub my face and try to take in what Ilex is saying. ‘I didn’t come because my mother never came. What did you say about Ali?’

  ‘I was awake and you didn’t come. I went to see Ali and she wasn’t in her bed. I woked up a little Special and said “Where is Ali?” He said Rice put her in the LER for the night.’

  Everything is going wrong at once. ‘Why?’

  ‘He didn’t know it. Why didn’t your mum come?’

  ‘I don’t know. There must have been a problem.’

  ‘I thought a problem. I came to find you.’ He looks around the room. ‘No Kay?’

  Just her name is like a stab in the chest. She didn’t even bother to tell me she didn’t want to come. ‘No Kay,’ I say and Ilex doesn’t ask any more questions.

  I rub my aching neck. ‘I won’t know what happened till I get to speak to my mother. We’d better get back to bed. As soon as the morning buzzer goes we can look for Ali.’

  He bites his lip, ‘I have to get her away from Rice. Will we go?’

  ‘We will,’ I promise him. ‘One day, soon. We’re going to get out of this place.’

  Back in the dormitory, Kay’s bed is still empty. What the hell has she been doing with Rex all night long? But when I look up the dormitory I can see Rex’s auburn head on his pillow. Where can Kay be? I climb into bed and my mind fizzes with all the horrible possibilities of what could have prevented my mother from turning up. When the buzzer sounds, I rush to splash my face with cold water before Ilex comes to get me. When I come back from the bathroom, Kay is waiting for me.