Take It SLOW

by AKM Miles

  “Come here, hon. Sit down with me for a minute.” Mama Sasy pulled him toward the family booth.

  He followed. He had to, he owed her, but he dreaded the talk he knew was coming.

  He sat and refused to look down, hide, like he wanted to. He met her gaze and saw only compassion in her expression.

  “I understand you have mixed, even bad, feelings about your dad, and I don’t blame you. Eventually, I think you will find your way back to each other, but I’m not going to push it. You’re entitled to your feelings. You should know I made him pay, in your name, for what he did to you. I’ve spent years here helping young men in your situation. All the stories are different, but also the same, if that makes sense. Some more heartbreaking, some less so. Benny is a good example. The same thing happened to him, but he didn’t go through all you have. He came to us before he had to go through some of the terrible things the others have had to endure.” Mama sighed heavily, letting her eyes move around the diner before she went on.

  “I’m so sorry for the heartache you’ve been through, the hard times you’ve lived through, the fear, loneliness, and the feeling that you’d been abandoned. I know that takes a toll on you, Daniel. I know because I’ve seen it over and over. But never before have I known a situation where a parent has come to me begging for my help in finding the son that he admitted that he’d wronged.”

  Daniel wanted so badly to duck his head and not hear this. He wasn’t ready to hear this. He firmed his lips and told himself to grow up. He listened.

  “I gave Nick such a hard time. He came back here three times before I would even talk rationally to him. I listened to his story and saw him break down more than once as he told it. He never gave himself any slack, taking full responsibility, and pleading with me to show your picture around, to help in any way I could. Finally, I believed he was truly sorry, that he had, as he’d said, gone looking for you within an hour of your telling him you were gay.”

  Daniel jerked as he was transported back to that day. He hadn’t even been scared as he’d walked in to tell his dad about his feelings. He knew his father would be surprised but supportive. They were so close, loved each other so much. Daniel had been stunned, devastated, when his father had spewed those words of hate and disgust.

  “Nick has become a friend, and I believe he loves you with all his heart. I will not push you to reconnect with him, Daniel, that will be up to the two of you. But I won’t ban him from coming here. You don’t have to speak to him if you don’t want to, but he has helped so many of my boys and is going to try to help Benny, too. Avoid him if you want, but please understand that I can’t do that.” With that, Mama put her hand out to cover his as they were clasped on the table.

  He jumped at the contact and realized the conversational ball was in his court.

  “It’s okay. I understand. I won’t make a big scene or anything, but I’m just, I don’t know, uncomfortable around him. It’s like I don’t know him. I get that he’s sorry and that he looked for me and I should forgive him and be all normal again, but…”

  Before he could get any further, Mama stopped him by tightening her hand on his and saying,

  “No, baby. There are no ‘shoulds’ in this situation. You heal at your own rate and take what you need from us. We are all so eager to help you, not because you are Nick’s son, but because you are Daniel, a young man who needs our help right now. Let us help you get back on your feet. Do you know what you want to do? There’s not any hurry now, but if you’ve got something in mind, let me know.”

  “Benny says that you let boys help in the diner to make a little money and I don’t want to just do nothing anymore. I want to help out. I can work.” Daniel was sure about that, at least.

  “Sure, hon. We can always use the help. Some of our boys just left for better jobs. Mano is doing so well at the dance studio and he’s happy there. You can help with what Benny does. We’ll take it slow to begin with, and when you decide what you want to do with your life, we’ll help you get started on it. What about school? Do you want to finish that last year?” She quizzed him gently, as if letting him know that he didn’t have to have the answers now.

  “I haven’t even thought of that. I think it would be hard to fit in with the other seniors now, after all I’ve been through.” Daniel almost panicked at the thought of trying to act normal around students who were two years younger and even more than that in experience.

  “Hey, hon, don’t worry about it now. How about you kind of shadow Benny today while he works? Watch what he does, help him out if he asks, and see if you think you can handle it for a while, until you’re more settled. Does that sound like a plan?” Mama was getting up as she asked this.

  “Yes, ma’am. That sounds like a good idea. Thanks for letting me help out.”

  “That’s fine, baby. I know you need to feel like you’re getting your life back, being your own man. Glad to help, but you make sure your stomach is okay first. Eat some breakfast and don’t try to do a full day’s work right away. Okay? Do that for Mama?”

  Like he could turn down anything she asked, even if he had any other kinds of plans. He tried a smile for her and nodded, getting a soft pat on the shoulder as she headed to the kitchen. Before he could get up, Benny was at the tableside with his breakfast and a teasing smile.

  “Got your Mama talk, huh? Isn’t she great?” Benny grinned as he set the bland but delicious food down in front of Daniel.

  “Yeah, she’s pretty cool.” Daniel must have sounded as reserved as he felt.

  “I get why you’re holding back on getting to love her like everyone else does.” Daniel was shocked at the words from Benny. He started to deny it, but took a second and realized it was true, a little.

  “It’s okay, man. She’s such a fan of your dad, and that just doesn’t sit well with you, and that makes perfect sense to me,” Benny said, leaning down as he prepared to step away from the table to add, “I’m the one who knows what you go through every night. It’s going to take some time before you warm up to anyone, especially someone who accepts your dad.”

  Daniel wanted to apologize for waking Benny every night, but he felt so stupid, so needy. He didn’t know what to say.

  “Hey, don’t take that wrong. I don’t mind being there for you, Daniel. I mean that. It means a lot to me that I can help you feel better. We’re not hurting anything or anyone. I’m glad we’re the only ones in the dorm right now, though. I hear that sometimes there are as many as five guys in there, all with shit-luck stories like ours, in varying degrees of suckitude, you know?” Benny patted his shoulder, too, his hand lingering a little longer than Mama’s had. Daniel wanted to lean into Benny for that little bit of comfort that he knew he would find being close to the other young man.

  “Thanks, Benny. I know I cling too much. I hate that I can’t get through a night without freaking out. I don’t get it. I know I’m safe now. I should be over this silly fear.” Daniel hated feeling weak.

  “Oh, yeah. You should get over two years of hell in less than a week. Uh-huh. Give yourself a break, Daniel,” Benny suggested.

  “Okay. All of it wasn’t that bad. The time I spent with Tony and Randall was at least a safe time, though I was always worried about being found out because I wasn’t in school or something like that, but they were both okay guys. They didn’t hurt me or try anything with me like Jack wanted. They weren’t really warm men, if you know what I mean, but they were good to me. I missed them for a long time after they died. They saved me and took care of me pretty well.” Daniel sat for a moment, thinking of the two men and how his life had been with them.

  “I’m glad you had them, Daniel. The time you spent with Jack was so much worse, and I’m sure it’s made a more lasting impression on you. That fear that he caused you made you sick. I really wish they’d done something to him, charged him with something.” Benny looked righteously indignant.

  “Mama said I could shadow you today, maybe help a little and learn from you
so I can start helping out.” Daniel realized that he had started to eat as he talked with Benny and was already about finished. He was so much more comfortable around Benny than anyone. He liked Mano a lot, but he was gone so much at the place he worked.

  “Cool, man. When you finish, you can bus your own table, huh?” Benny laughed, and Daniel joined him. He stopped, surprised that he was actually laughing, and over something so small.

  Benny noticed and winked. Daniel knew that Benny got it, how shocked he was that he was laughing and how good it felt. Daniel wanted to stand up and hug his friend but thought he’d better not. It was a gay-friendly place, but not everyone was accepting, he figured, knowing that some truckers were very bigoted.

  Benny left to get someone coffee, and Daniel began his job that day by bussing his own table as Benny had suggested. Later that afternoon, during a quiet time, Boddy took him on a tour of the whole place, including the store that was connected to the diner and used by the truckers and travelers who came through. It contained everything from clothes, to small truck parts, to all the snacks and drinks that people on the road stopped in to pick up as they filled up their cars before going on with their journeys. Daniel decided he’d like working in the diner, closer to Benny and Boddy, because he was beginning to feel comfortable around both of them.

  § § § §

  Two weeks later, Daniel had only seen his dad twice. It bugged him that he watched for him. He didn’t want to see him or talk to him, but somehow he kept an eye out for him. It wasn’t as easy these days, since he was spending most of his time in the kitchen with Mama and Boddy.

  Evidently, he was taking Mano’s place with the pie-making, which he had to admit was interesting and fun. It was rewarding to mix all those good ingredients and put the pies in the oven. When they came out, transformed and smelling like heaven, he felt such a sense of accomplishment. He’d learned that Mano had spent a lot of his time helping Mama do just this. He liked even better not having to be out front in the diner.

  It became clear after only two days that working with Benny out front was not going to work. Every time the door opened, Daniel jumped, jerked, dropped something, or just froze in place. No one had to wonder what the problem was. Daniel was scared that every man who opened that door might be Jack Basham, coming to take him back. Daniel knew that Jack had waited all that time for a payout that he’d never received. Daniel was living in fear, afraid that Jack hadn’t given up on getting what he wanted.

  Daniel was grateful to Mama Sasy for declaring she needed his help in the kitchen and that he could learn to cook with Boddy. He was actually enjoying the fast pace of the short order cook. He liked to hear Mama singing along with the musicals that seemed to always be playing on the small TV in the corner of the big kitchen.

  Mano and Easy had gone to Florida on a quick trip to make arrangements for Mano’s mother to come to Nashville. Next week, Easy had taken the week off to help make it happen. It seemed that Mano’s mother was wheelchair bound due to severe arthritis. They’d all worked on making Mama Sasy’s apartment accessible for Mama Rosa.

  “Hey, gotta minute?” Benny stuck his head in the kitchen door and smiled at Daniel.

  “Actually, I do. Pies are cooling, and Boddy has it under control. What do you need?” Daniel washed his hands after clearing the counter of all the pie-making utensils. He was getting pretty good at this, and it made him feel good.

  “Wanna go do something fun?” Benny laughed at the shocked look on Daniel’s face.

  “Fun? Now? But, we can’t leave work,” Daniel said, following it with, “Can we?” A smile started. Fun? How long had it been since the word fun had any meaning in his life? And it was Benny asking.

  “Mama suggested we take a few hours and do something. You in?” Benny asked, brows raising and lowering in an exaggerated expression.

  “You’re crazy.” Daniel actually laughed. That was becoming a little easier these days. He took off the big white apron and folded it. A grinning Boddy took it and shooed the two of them out of the kitchen.

  Benny laughed and took Daniel’s hand, pulling him out the back door.

  “Wait, where are we going?” Daniel asked.

  He stopped and stared. Right by the door was Easy’s big blue Ford, and he and Mano were inside, smiling, the back door open.

  “Ready for an adventure?” Mano asked, through the window, his eyes shining.

  “What’s going on, guys? How come nobody’s working?” Daniel asked, unable to believe that they were all free to do something fun in the middle of a work day.

  “I’ve worked so hard since I got back, my boss gave me a day off, and Easy doesn’t have a run until tomorrow night. Mama said you and Benny could have the day to join us for some fun. Don’t question it. Just jump in, and let’s go have some fun.” Mano gestured to the open door and encouraged them to get in.

  Daniel decided this was just another episode in his unbelievable life since his rescue in Georgia. He trusted these people, liked them, and right now he wanted to have some fun with them. He got in and put himself in their hands. He was glad Benny was going to be with him.

  “Uh, how are they going to get by without us there to help?” Daniel was worried about leaving Mama Sasy and Boddy alone.

  “Daniel, my mother and Boddy can handle anything that comes along without any help. We’ll make up for it, but they both wanted you to have a good memory, and I’m always happy to spend a day with Mano, so everybody wins.”

  “Stop worrying, your stomach will start hurting. Come on, give it up, and let’s have a good time.” Benny reached over and took Daniel’s hand, and Daniel held it tightly. It felt good. He didn’t care where they were going, he was in.

  “We’re going shopping first, then lunch, then I thought we’d go to the zoo. Have you been?” Easy said, pulling into traffic.

  “Not since I was a kid. My da—” Daniel stopped, then started again with, “Nick and I went. I must have been six or something like that.”

  “Well, I go at least once a year. I love the animals. I know I should hate that they’re not in their natural habitats, but if they were, most of us would never get to see them. And hey, most of their habitats are disappearing these days. Anyway, I want to share that with Mano and thought you all would enjoy it, too.”

  “Sounds good. What are we shopping for?” Daniel asked, leaning back, blushing a little as the move tugged on his hand. Benny leaned a little and kept a tight hold. Daniel glanced at him and smiled shyly.

  “Mama wants a couple of things from Walmart, and we thought you might like some clothes and personal items.” Easy threw the words over the seat as he kept his eyes on the road.

  “I don’t need anything, you all. I don’t have any money, remember? It’s bad enough I live and eat free. I don’t work enough to pay for all I’ve been given. Let’s just get what Mama Sasy needs, okay?” Daniel hated feeling like a moocher, and he didn’t really need anything.

  Mano turned in his seat and handed a paper to Daniel with a big smile on his face.

  “Your first paycheck. Wanna go open a bank account? It’s a good next step on this journey back to yourself, don’t you think?” Mano’s grin and obvious joy in handing the check over let Daniel know that Mano knew what it meant to have his own money after a hard spell. Yeah, that was a good word for the last two years. A hard spell.

  There was an air of expectancy in the truck as Daniel opened the paper and saw the check. It wasn’t huge, but it was a lot more than he thought it would be. He hadn’t even expected to be paid. After all, he was living free.

  “Wow.” It was an understatement.

  “I would suggest starting an account and leaving most of it there. Take out enough to get you a few things. You need to have some clothes that you choose, not hand me downs, but something you like. You need to start feeling like Daniel Webster, whoever he’s going to be. Save a little to do some things like eat out or go out like we’re doing today, but the rest can just sit there
and wait for the next check, and soon you’ll have a little nest egg and won’t feel so beholden to others.” Easy looked in the rearview mirror at Daniel and nodded.

  “Yeah, I know that’s how you feel. It’s how they all feel, but honestly, Mom, Boddy, and I really do get joy out of helping guys out. Clearly I never had the trouble that you all have had, but I’ve been through all of this over and over with Mom and her program, and I can’t tell you what it means to all of us when we know that we’ve helped a young man find his way. Don’t feel bad for taking right now, Daniel. You’ll end up giving back. I have no doubt of that.”

  So that’s what they did. Daniel opened an account at a nearby bank, got some checks and had some money in his pocket. Benny told him that it was the same bank where he had started an account with his first check. Evidently he’d gotten the same speech. Were these people for real?

  After the bank, they hit the superstore. Benny helped him pick out two pairs of jeans and some shirts. Mano suggested a good coat, as fall was coming, so Daniel picked out a nice one. He grabbed some underwear and socks, and then stood looking at the tennis shoes. It had been so long since he’d had a nice pair. He felt a nudge on his shoulder and Benny was there.

  “Go on. Try some on. Get a good pair and maybe some dress shoes. Your jeans look good enough, and if we get one more shirt, a dress one, you’d be ready for a date or something like that.” Benny blushed, and Daniel couldn’t help joining in the redness.

  “Aw, Mano, aren’t they sweet?” Easy’s teasing was gentle, and Daniel wasn’t ticked at all. Easy sounded fond, and that was new to him. Kind of like a big brother.

  “Shut up.” Daniel surprised himself at his answer and popped his hand over his mouth.

  Easy laughed and pushed him a little. Daniel laughed, too, looking at Benny, who was still blushing, but finally they were all laughing. He got shoes and a nice shirt, and they were finally ready for lunch.

  “Fast food or sit down for lunch?” Easy asked as they loaded the truck, getting in and buckling up.