by AKM Miles
Finally, Daniel spoke up and said what had lived in his heart for two years and since he’d been back.
“Why couldn’t he just have accepted me? It never occurred to me that he would say those things. Not my dad. I had no doubt that he loved me and would accept the fact that I thought I was gay. It was something I wanted to talk out with him, but he was like someone I’d never known, someone from a nightmare. I had to leave, Mama Rosa. I knew he meant it. He always means what he says, so it was the truth. I was no longer his son. I wanted to die right then. I was so scared for so long.” Daniel shivered at the memories.
“Shh, baby, it’s all right. It’s over and done, and you know now that he realized his mistake and came back to you, to tell you exactly what you needed to hear, but you were gone and then he got to live the hell.” She carded her fingers through his hair, comforting him.
“I wish we could do it all over again,” he mumbled.
“So do I, son.”
Daniel jerked up, eyes wide at his father’s voice. Nick stood a little behind Mama Rosa’s chair, his stance one of uncertainty. He looked like he expected to be told to go. He hesitated, watching Daniel to see if he was going to be sent away. The pain and fear of rejection was plain enough for Daniel to read it easily. He just didn’t have the heart anymore.
“Dad?” Daniel straightened up, this time patting Mama Rosa’s knee for some reason.
Mama Rosa unlocked her wheels and smiled sweetly at Daniel, then turned and moved competently back toward the kitchen’s side entrance.
“May I sit down with you? Honest to God, Daniel, my knees are shaking.” Nick was standing with his knees locked and Daniel could see that he was taking deep breaths.
Pointing to the seat beside him, he nodded. His father was sitting a little closer than Daniel expected, but he didn’t move away. They sat there for a while, no words spoken, no movement toward or away from each other.
Daniel began to shake, uncontrollable shivers going through his body. He couldn’t look at his dad. He knew he’d break down if he did. He was in a torment of indecision. He wanted so badly to be back in his father’s arms, and he was so afraid to put his trust and his love back in the man’s keeping.
“It’s okay, Daniel. I understand that you don’t know how to respond to me. I came out here to see if you needed me to do anything for your friend. I didn’t mean to listen in on what you were saying to Mama Rosa, but when you mentioned wanting to do that terrible night over, I couldn’t help agreeing. Would you like to talk about Franklin? Would that be okay to do?” Daniel was still not used to his dad sounding so hesitant, like he was afraid of what Daniel was going to say to him.
He found his voice. “Mama Rosa’s right. This kind of work is not his thing. He knows about cars,” Daniel told his dad, his voice growing stronger as he was excused from the heavy scene he was afraid of getting into.
“You know this because of the place you took the car that was back here, right? The boy wanted a job there but the owner sent him away, is that how it happened?” Someone must have filled Nick in on the story.
“Yes, sir. Mr. Jenkins said he didn’t have enough business to keep himself going much longer, much less pay somebody else.”
“Have you been back to check on how he’s doing on the car you and Benny took him? Is he a good mechanic? Does he have a good garage?” Nick asked.
“Uh, I don’t know. We haven’t really paid that much attention. We were more concerned with Franklin. I figured he’d call when he was ready.”
Nick reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet and Daniel watched, stunned, as he saw that there was a picture of him right there. God, he looked so different, then. He’d been clean cut and very preppy looking. Now his hair was long and he was skinny. He felt like a loser. But his dad reached past the pictures and brought out some cards. At first Daniel thought his father was going to give him money or something, but when he saw what his dad was holding out to him, he gasped. His social security card, his driver’s license, a couple of membership cards to places he used to go with his father. It was like his father was giving him his life back. Daniel had felt so very homeless without any kind of identification.
“How?”
“I hired a detective the day after you left. He found these in the trash not too far from our house. I have to tell you I haunted that place for months, hoping for a glimpse of you. Take them.”
Daniel reached out to take the cards and realized he didn’t have a wallet to put them in. He could keep them in his pocket until he got back to his room. His father reached into his other back pocket and pulled out a new wallet just like the one he’d had stolen that day.
“It’s not that much, Daniel. Please take it.” Nick’s voice was soft, broken.
Daniel looked up and his father’s eyes were filled with tears. As if in sympathy to those tears, Daniel’s eyes welled up, too, as he took the wallet.
“Thanks,” he mumbled, putting the cards in, his eyes swimming.
Nick cleared his throat and said, “Do you want to go with me to the garage and check it out? I’ve got an idea. If you’re not comfortable with just me, Easy and Mano are here and we could ask them to go with us. I’d like Easy’s input on my idea, anyway. How about it?”
Daniel hadn’t been thinking about Franklin or the garage. He’d been thinking about his father and how much he’d missed him. He did not expect his next words.
“Dad, can I have a hug?” Daniel knew his eyes were huge and he pulled back even as he asked the question that had come from his heart, not his head.
His father let loose a gasp, followed by a sob. His voice shook as he opened his arms and said, “Oh God, please. You have no idea…”
Daniel was in his father’s arms and they sobbed together. His dad pulled and Daniel was in his father’s lap, and though he was nineteen, it didn’t feel wrong. He tightened his arms and held on as he cried out two years’ worth of pain and despair into Nick’s neck. His father held him firmly and began softly rocking. His face was hidden in Daniel’s neck, and tears flowed freely.
Occasionally there would be another sob, followed by deep breaths where one or the other was trying to get control, but there was just so much pent-up emotion in both of them that time meant nothing. Eventually, they calmed, and after a couple of broken sighs, Nick eased back to look at Daniel.
“I don’t know about you, but that felt really good. I’ve missed you so much, Daniel.” Nick was talking fast, as if afraid that Daniel wouldn’t let him finish. “I’m so sorry I let you down so badly. I was horribly wrong. I swear I don’t even know where all that stuff I said came from. I don’t think I’ve ever been so crazy. I think I literally lost my mind. That wasn’t me, I felt like later. You know I’ve never been that way about gays or any other minority group or whatever. I can’t explain it. I swear I can’t. But, I can say it was the biggest mistake of my life, and if you can ever forgive me, I promise I’ll find some way to make it up to you. I don’t know how, but, Daniel, I just love you so much. I missed you so much. I’m repeating myself, huh?”
Daniel pulled away, feeling stupid now, sitting on his father’s lap. He noticed that Nick had a hard time letting him go, his arms tightening, then easing so Daniel could sit back on the bench of the picnic table. Daniel didn’t know what to say. Did he have the words to forgive his father? Did he forgive him? He took a few minutes to think about it, and to give his dad credit, he was allowed that time.
“I’ve thought about it a lot, and tried to figure out what happened and why and how. I made mistakes, too, I guess. If I had stayed just a little, I wouldn’t have gone through two years of pure hell. I was lonely, scared, and for the last six months I was in pain and thought every day that I was about to be raped. But I didn’t know. All I knew was that you said I wasn’t your son and you seemed more worried about holding your head up in society. That sounded so strange coming from you, so wrong. It wasn’t the dad I knew and loved. I freaked out and just r
an. Before I could think about it, I was in an area where it wasn’t really safe. I thought about coming back, but all I could think of was how you always said that you…”
Before Daniel could finish, Nick filled in with, “Never say anything I don’t mean, so I don’t have to take anything back. I know. I thought that was such a strong character trait, you know? Say what you mean, don’t go back on what you say. I swear to you, I didn’t mean those awful things I said. I don’t know where they came from. I understand why you didn’t come back, and then you couldn’t and it was all my fault. All I can say is I’m sorry. I love you.” Nick’s eyes were swimming again.
“I know. And I kind of get how hard you looked for me all this time. I’ve heard them all talk about how much you do for the young gay boys who come through Mama Sasy’s. At first it kind of pissed me off, but as I learned more about it, and heard some of the things they said about why you were doing it, I felt better. I’m proud of what you’ve been doing, Dad.” Daniel felt better saying that, because he suddenly realized it was true. He snuck a look at his dad and saw that there were tears rolling down his face.
Despite his tears, his father said, “You’ll never know what those words mean to me, son.”
“Yeah, well, this has been good, huh?” Daniel admitted. He felt a sort of lightness, like something had been weighing him down and was now gone.
“Good, yeah. Listen, I know you aren’t ready to move back in my house, our house, but all your stuff is there, just like you left it. Except your car. I’m so sorry, but I gave it to a boy who came through Mama Sasy’s last year. I planned on buying you a new one when I found you. I’d want you to have the best. I never gave up hope of finding you. I’d still be happy to buy you a new car, Daniel. But,” Nick put his hand up when he saw the immediate negative shake of Daniel’s head. “I know, I gave up that idea already. I know you don’t want that from me. You’re doing your own thing, and I have to tell you I respect that. Promise me, though, that if there’s something you really need, you won’t hesitate to come to me. That’s something I need, Daniel. Maybe you’d like to come by and get some of your stuff sometime. It’s only about twenty minutes from here. I could take you and Benny over, maybe. Are you and Benny, you know, a couple?” Nick asked, smiling.
“I don’t know. Maybe. We’re just close. He helps me out, especially with the nightmares at night. We’re good. It could grow into something, I hope. I’m just so confused right now. I’m not sure about anything.”
“I didn’t mean to pry. I just am so hungry for any kind of connection with you. I want to know all about you, how you’re doing, how you feel, what you need, want, care about. I’ll try to back off and not smother you. This has meant so much to me. I’m repeating myself again, huh?”
Daniel chuckled a little, amused at his dad being so lost for words, or having too many words. He was glad that he wasn’t the only one who felt awkward. He honestly hadn’t even thought about the fact that he used to have a car. When he and Benny found the old one, it was just something that they were doing together.
“Maybe we can see if Easy wants to go over to the garage with us and see about the place? What were you wanting to know about it?” Daniel realized that he’d just agreed to go somewhere with his dad, and he also noticed that his dad was aware of the change in their situation, too. It felt good. They would take things slow, but he felt better. He really did.
Nick stood, and they started walking back toward the diner.
“I thought I’d see if it was a good place, clean and well run. I want to know if this mechanic is good, knows what he’s doing and is honest. If so, I can send clients his way, and I bet Easy could, too. I won’t send friends if I don’t think it’s a good business. If it is, maybe we could work something out about getting Franklin some work there. It will all have to be figured out and I wouldn’t mention it to Franklin in case it doesn’t work out, but it’s an idea.”
“It sounds like a great idea. I didn’t pay attention the other day when we took the car over there. Mostly Easy and the tow guy talked to Mr. Jenkins. I was more interested in what he knew about Franklin.” It felt easy, talking to his dad, like it used to. For a moment he was surprised at that, but let it go. Maybe it was time to let it go. As they walked, Daniel wondered about his house. Could he go back and live with his dad? No. He wasn’t ready for that. He didn’t want to leave Benny. He felt good here. Safe. And he had work to do.
When they got to the diner, Easy was at the counter talking to his mother. Mano was working, of course, but Daniel gave Benny a nod and a smile when Benny’s look asked if he was okay. They headed for Easy, and Nick explained what they were thinking about. Benny came over and heard most of it, nodding and smiling at Daniel. It was clear that he noticed that Daniel seemed more comfortable around Nick. His brows raised as he glanced back and forth between Daniel and his dad.
Daniel shrugged and smiled again. Benny put his hand out for a high five and squeezed his hand a little to show his support. He moved away to go back to a table where he was working, and Daniel tuned back in to the conversation.
“That sounds like a good idea. I’ll admit, like Daniel said, that I didn’t pay that much attention because I wasn’t thinking in those terms. I’ve got time now. Mama Sasy, can you spare the two boys for a little while? I mean Daniel and Benny. Let’s keep it away from Franklin until we find out something.”
Mama Sasy looked at Daniel and beamed her approval. She crooked her finger, and Daniel went to her, unable to do anything else. She took his face in her hands and looked him in the eye. “I’m so proud of you. Go now, you and Benny, with your dad, and see if you think it’s a good idea. You’re a good boy. You’re going to be a fine young man. I love you for what you’ve done for your father today.” At the look on his face, she laughed and said, “It’s so obvious, hon, from the lightness I see in his shoulders and the joy I see in his eyes. You seem a little more settled in yourself, too. Take it slow, but I’m happy you’re healing.” This conversation had been done in a whisper, meant for only his ears, and he was glad, since he felt his eyes stinging. Not more tears! He put his hands on top of hers, and leaned in toward her ear, and said in an equally low voice, “Thank you for taking care of him.”
She just smiled and patted his cheeks, letting him go.
She went and took over for Benny, telling him that he was going with them on a mission. Benny took off his apron and joined them. Benny and Daniel rode with Nick and Easy drove his truck. As they all got out of their vehicles, they were assessing the place with a new eye. It wasn’t new, but it seemed clean. They went into the office and when they saw no one there, they stepped into the garage. They could hear clinking noises from the other side of the car they’d brought in.
“Mr. Jenkins?” Easy said, getting the owner’s attention.
What followed was a revelation to Daniel. Questions flew back and forth, ideas were put forth, a tour given, needs admitted, and solutions suggested. When the four walked back out they were all smiling, and then Nick told them to wait a minute and that he’d be right back. In a few minutes, he returned and they headed for the diner. Starting tomorrow, Franklin would be working at the garage. At first, he would be cleaning, organizing and learning, but if he proved himself, he would have a good job. Nick and Easy had both promised to send business their way. Daniel hoped it all worked out the way they were hoping. Now he saw the kind of thing his father had been doing over the last two years. It was a good thing.
“Maybe in a few days, you and Benny might like to come over to the house and pick up some of your things?” Daniel looked at Benny, who looked surprised, but shrugged and nodded, waiting to see what Daniel said.
“Okay.” Daniel replied, still a little in awe of the change in he and his dad’s relationship. No, he wasn’t ready to move back in, but he would like to see his room and get some things. He wasn’t sure what, but he found he really wanted to walk through his home again, whether he found anything to bring back o
r not. And he wanted Benny with him.
§ § § §
A couple of days later, Nick showed up and he must have already talked to Mama Sasy, because she let both boys go for the afternoon slow time. Daniel noticed Benny seemed a little hesitant as they headed out to the car. When he thought about it, he hadn’t paid enough attention, but Benny had seemed to be drawing away from him since they went to the garage. What was that about? Benny still got in the bed with him and woke him when the dreams started, but he just didn’t seem as happy as before.
“You okay?” Daniel muttered to him before they got into Nick’s car.
“Sure, why?”
Daniel wasn’t buying it. Something was off, and he just didn’t have the social skills necessary to figure it out. He would have to ask, but not in front of Nick.
“Your room’s been cleaned, of course, but other than that, I left it as it was. I couldn’t bear to change anything. Maybe that will seem silly now, since you’re so much older and been through so much. You can do anything to it you want. I mean…” Nick had been rambling and now he just wound down, clearly uncomfortable.
“I don’t think I can move back in, Dad. I’m not sure…”
“Daniel, it’s okay. I know. I don’t expect you to move back in with me. Without me, you’ve grown up, and I have to get used to the fact that I have an adult son, one who doesn’t need me anymore. I’m so proud of the man you’ve become, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” Nick’s voice was rough, and Daniel didn’t want to get into more of an emotional scene.
“Let’s just play it by ear, huh?”
“Good idea.”