Don't Ask

by Hilary Freeman

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ she said. Smirking, she raised her left eyebrow. ‘But if it isn’t, and you have to flee the country, can I have your new iPod and your red patent Mary-Janes?’

  Chapter 22

  When I think about it, there are a million and one reasons why I did it.

  I did it because Jack was perfect and I knew there must be more to him.

  I did it because I wanted to understand him better and I thought that finding out about his past would help me feel closer to him.

  I did it because I was curious about his relationship with Alex.

  I did it because I was bored.

  I did it because I wanted to, and because I couldn’t help myself.

  I did it because once I’d started, I didn’t know how to stop.

  But, most of all, I did it because I could.

  A million and one reasons, but still the same result.

  I finally heard from Jack on Monday evening. Maybe he didn’t realise I was off school, or maybe it took him until then to get his head together. I don’t know; I didn’t ask. He rang to say he wanted to talk and asked if he could come round after dinner. He sounded weird, flat, like he hadn’t slept all night. I probably sounded that way too.

  I tried to make myself look vaguely attractive, which is quite difficult when your hair is greasy and has dried blood stuck in it, and you’ve had no sleep. I honestly don’t know why I cared what I looked like; he was going to hate me anyway, when I told him what I’d done. I guess I’d rather be disliked than thought ugly. Does that make me shallow?

  Although I’d spent all day planning what I was going to say to him, when he arrived I found myself fumbling for words. I didn’t know if I should kiss him hello, or touch him at all. We were so awkward with each other that if a stranger had observed us, they’d have thought we had just met. We went into the living room and sat on the sofa, with a good few inches’ space between us. Neither of us suggested going to my bedroom, to revisit the scene of my accident.

  Jack spoke first. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, quietly. ‘I didn’t mean to run out on you yesterday. I was freaked out by what happened. Your parents were there, and then I saw you were OK, and I thought you’d be better off with them.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ I said. It struck me that I wasn’t at all scared of him any more. I just felt sad.

  ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you. You know that, right?’

  I nodded. ‘Course not.’

  ‘It all got out of hand. I was trying to stop you, to make you calm down. That’s why I got hold of your wrists – it was a self-defence move, a wrist lock – but you were thrashing around so much I think I did it wrong.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know that.’

  ‘I must have let go just as you pulled away from me. I tried to catch you but you fell too fast.’

  He held out his hand to me, like a peace offering. I took it, slipping his fingers between mine and he smiled, a half smile. For a moment, I could almost let myself believe everything would be fine.

  ‘It’s all right,’ I said, softly.

  ‘No, it’s not.’ He withdrew his hand and took a deep breath. ‘You thought I was going to hit you. Didn’t you?’

  ‘No,’ I said, unconvincingly. ‘I was confused and upset. I just panicked.’

  He shook his head. ‘I know it, I could see it: you were scared of me. I’ve seen that look before, the fear in your eyes. Maybe you weren’t even conscious of it, but the look you gave me when you were on the bed, just before you fell, that’s the exact expression my mum used to get on her face when my dad was about to hit her. I’ve seen it too many times not to recognise it.’

  I didn’t say anything. What was the use in denying it? He’d convinced himself it was true, and what’s more, he was right. When, in just a few minutes, I told him what I knew about Alex, he’d understand why, too.

  ‘I guess I’m just like my dad, after all,’ he said, his body appearing to crumple up, as if it was weighed down with regret and shame. ‘I’ve tried so hard not to be, but it hasn’t worked. I keep going over and over it in my mind and I still can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t have lost it last night, if you hadn’t fallen. I was so angry and jealous and wound up, just like he used to get.’

  ‘That’s rubbish. You’re not like him.’

  ‘But I am,’ he said. ‘I’ve done it before.’ His voice was so quiet that it was almost as if he hoped I wouldn’t hear. ‘I hit a girl once.’

  I swallowed hard. Time to confess. I couldn’t let him go on thinking he was the bad guy. ‘I know,’ I said. My voice came out in a barely audible squeak, as if it didn’t want to relay the information I was making it say. I cleared my throat. ‘I know what happened with Alex. I know everything.’

  All those months of keeping my secret from him – torturing myself, making up lies and stories and excuses – and in only a moment, with just a few simple words, in one short breath, it was out.

  Jack looked at me, startled, confused. ‘What do you mean?’

  I couldn’t make eye contact. I looked slightly to the left of him, at a little speck of dust on the wall. ‘She told me herself,’ I said to the speck. ‘It was her text message you saw last night, not another guy’s. I’ve been in contact with her for months. It’s a long story . . .’

  I didn’t tell Jack everything, just the bits I felt he needed to know and which wouldn’t hurt him unnecessarily. He didn’t need to be told that his treasured Arsenal scarf wasn’t meant as a gift, or that I’d celebrated Alex’s eighteenth birthday with her. I wasn’t trying to make myself look better; guys tend to prefer to hear the edited highlights, rather than an in-depth account with every word and every feeling described. If anything, I came out of it all looking worse. I said sorry a lot, and ‘I shouldn’t have done that,’ and ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ but they’re just words. They don’t change anything, or make things better.

  ‘You’re unbelievable,’ said Jack. He’d said a lot of other things while I was talking, most of them unintelligible, or unrepeatable. He stared at me – through me – like I was Gollum, disgusting and withered and covered in slime. ‘I don’t know you at all, do I?’ he stated. ‘I wasn’t paranoid. I was right that you were acting odd, and right not to trust you.’

  ‘And I was right that you were hiding stuff.’

  ‘I might have told you, one day. I told you about my dad, didn’t I?’ He thought for a second. ‘Then again, I might not ever have told you what happened with Alex. It wasn’t your business. You can know someone well without knowing every single thing they’ve ever said and done. I think I knew it would change things, make you think of me differently. I was right, wasn’t I?’

  ‘I guess so.’

  ‘So does Alex know now? Does she know who you are, and about us?’

  I shook my head. ‘I haven’t told her yet. I wanted to tell you first.’

  ‘Uh huh.’ He seemed lost in thought. Was he wondering about Alex, picturing her, missing her? ‘She needs to know. It’s not fair to keep on lying to her.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m going to tell her, as soon as I’ve worked out what to say. But listen, there’s something else you need to know. It’s not to do with Alex. I looked up your dad. On the web. I wanted to tell you at the time but I didn’t know how to.’

  ‘You had no right.’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I Googled him, that’s all. I swear. I didn’t do any more than that.’

  ‘How did you know his name? I didn’t tell you it.’

  ‘I worked it out. You told me his surname, and the rest I just pieced together.’

  ‘Jesus, Lily, you should get a job on the Sun, or become a private detective or something. Pretending to be someone else, tracking down my dad . . . I had no idea how sneaky you could be. Then again, I guess I didn’t know you at all.’

  That stung, more than it should have done.

  ‘I was curious. I wanted to understand you better. I couldn�
�t imagine what he was like, what he looked like, so I had to find out for myself.’

  ‘Yeah, whatever. So tell me about my father. Is he still a teacher, then? Is he still fooling people that he’s a great guy?’

  ‘Do you really want to know? I won’t tell you stuff if you’d rather not hear it.’

  ‘Oh, no, please do,’ he said, sarcastically. ‘Although, I suppose if you don’t I can just Google him, can’t I?’

  I ignored his dig. ‘All right, then. He’s a headteacher now.’

  ‘That figures. Still charming his way up the ladder. What else?’

  ‘Not much,’ I said. ‘He lives in Luton. There was also something about a chemistry prize. And,’ I hesitated. ‘And, he got married again.’

  ‘Really?’ said Jack. ‘Mum’ll be pleased. So he’s got a new punchbag, then. Maybe that’s why he’s left us alone for a while. So what else did your investigation uncover?’

  Should I tell Jack about his little brother or sister? If he didn’t know his dad had married again, it would come as another shock. But I had to, didn’t I?

  ‘I don’t want to upset you,’ I said, hesitant. ‘More than I already have, I mean.’

  ‘Go on, hit me with it.’ He laughed. ‘Sorry. That was bad taste. What is it?’

  ‘OK. He has another kid, a young child, the website said. That’s all I know, I swear.’

  ‘Poor sucker,’ he said. ‘Boy or girl?’

  ‘I don’t know. It didn’t say.’

  ‘So I’ve got a half-brother or sister somewhere out there and it was on the internet, and I didn’t know. That’s pretty mind-blowing.’

  I nodded. ‘Are you glad I told you?’

  ‘I dunno,’ he said. ‘I have absolutely no idea how I feel about anything right now.’

  ‘Even me?’ I ventured.

  ‘Especially you.’

  At least he hadn’t said he hated me. I gazed at the floor. I felt empty, like my insides had shrivelled up. ‘So what are you going to do?’ I asked.

  ‘I haven’t got a clue. I’ve just found out that pretty much everything in our relationship has been a lie, from start to finish, and that I’ve got family I didn’t know existed. What would you do?’

  ‘It hasn’t all been a lie,’ I said. ‘I never told you anything that wasn’t true, I just left a lot out. God, I know that sounds lame. What I’m trying to say is I really do like you. I didn’t lie about that.’

  ‘Yeah? I really liked you too.’ He emphasised the ‘d’, making it clear his feelings were past tense, that it was over. ‘I thought me and you could have been perfect together. But it turns out that you didn’t trust me and I can’t trust you, so where does that leave us?’

  I shrugged my shoulders. ‘I don’t know . . .’ I knew it was hopeless, but a little part of me was still wishing he might say we could work things out and start again.

  ‘Exactly. Nowhere.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I really am.’

  He smiled. ‘Me too.’ He got up from the sofa. ‘I think I should go home now. I need to sort my head out – I’ve got a lot to think about. And you need to rest.’

  ‘OK.’ My eyes stung with embryonic tears. I sat forward, readying myself to get up and see him out, but he shook his head and waved me down again. I was glad. It meant there’d be no awkward goodbye at the front door.

  ‘Take care of yourself, Lily,’ he said. ‘It’s been . . . interesting.’

  As he walked past me into the hall, I held my breath to stop the tears from coming, and thought, when he tells people about his last girlfriend, how’s he going to say it ended?

  And, with a click of the latch, what started on a damp stone wall, a little over six months ago, was done for good.

  Chapter 23

  Topfriendz

  Inbox: 1 message

  From: Alex

  Subject: *!*!*!

  Lily,

  I know everything.

  Please don’t try to contact me.

  Goodbye,

  Alex

  That’s what I woke up to this morning, my eyes still puffy from crying about Jack. Laura had been unmasked, like the villain in a kid’s cartoon. It should have come as a massive shock, but it didn’t. Perhaps, after all the drama of the past few days, I am already so numb that nothing else can touch me. Maybe I was concussed, after all. Or maybe, I half expected it. Jack hadn’t said he was going to tell Alex, but that was the only possible explanation. I don’t think it was about revenge, but because he thought she should know, and he didn’t trust me to tell her. I can’t really blame him for that, with my track record. I didn’t – and don’t – feel angry about it. In a way, it made things easier for me. It meant I didn’t have to spring the truth on Alex myself, to find the words to say the unsayable.

  The hardest thing was not being able to do anything about the message for hours. I couldn’t even speak to Katie because she was in school, with her mobile switched off. So I left it up on the screen all morning, reading it over and over and trying to imagine what Alex must have felt when Jack suddenly called her, out of the blue, after all this time. And then I wondered what she’d thought when he’d told her about me, how her pleasure and surprise at hearing from him must, in a flash, have turned to dismay and anger. It hurt to think of the two of them talking, doubtless bonding again over what a bitch I was, and how stupid they’d been to like me. Maybe they are back together already, everything forgiven and forgotten, with the whole Lily/Laura saga consigned to history, just an anecdote, a tiny blip in their lives. Is this all I’ll be to Jack? A mistake? A bad memory?

  Katie called at lunchtime, which was a very good thing, as it stopped me feeling quite so sorry for myself. She had the reaction I should have had when I saw Alex’s message: horror and disbelief.

  ‘Are you sure it was Jack who told her?’ she asked, when she’d stopped screeching ‘Oh my God!’ at me.

  ‘No one else knows,’ I said. ‘Except you, of course. And, if you’d told her, that really would be twisted.’

  ‘Yeah, right, as if. So, are you going to reply to her? I know she says not to, but I think you should. You need to find out what she’s going to do.’

  ‘What’s the point? She won’t believe a word I say.’

  ‘You’ll feel better,’ said Katie. ‘Otherwise you’ll just keep going over and over it in your head.’

  I decided Katie was right and, before I could chicken out, quickly left Alex a voicemail: ‘Hi, it’s, er, Lily,’ I began. It was weird saying my real name when she’d only ever known me as Laura. ‘I guess Jack told you. I’m really sorry about everything. I know you don’t want to talk to me, but it would mean a lot to me if you’d just give me the chance to explain and say sorry properly. I promise I won’t call you again.’

  She made me sweat for six whole hours. Thirty minutes ago, her number flashed up Jared; there hadn’t seemed much point changing it to Alex in my address book.

  ‘OK, then, I want to hear what you’ve got to say,’ she said, coldly, without any introduction. I got the impression that she’d had to steel herself to do it, and it sounded like there was someone else in the room with her. Her mum? Jessica? I hadn’t thought: there’d be a whole line of people queuing up to hate me now, wouldn’t there?

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. How many times have I used that word over the past few days? ‘I never meant to lie to you or to upset you.’

  ‘Is that it?’ she said. ‘You’re sorry? Have you any idea what you’ve done? Who the hell do you think you are, Lily, if that’s even your real name? Are you some kind of psychopath?’ She was speaking so fast it was as if she was frightened to keep the words in her mouth. ‘You stayed at my house, you came to football with me, I introduced you to my friends. You spent time with my parents . . . Oh my God, what am I going to tell them? They liked you. Shit, I even felt sorry for you over Jared, a guy who never even existed. Do you think I’m a mug? Did you laugh about me with your mates? Did you?’

  She stop
ped, because she’d run out of breath. I’m sure she had plenty more to say.

  ‘God, no,’ I said. ‘It wasn’t like that at all. It was a laugh for all of five minutes, if that. I started it because I wanted to find out about Jack, that’s all.’

  ‘So you used me?’

  I nodded, my eyes downcast with shame, even though she couldn’t see me. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t think of you as a person at first, just a name and a picture on Topfriendz. Once I met you it was different. I know it sounds crazy but I was starting to think of you as a proper friend. I wanted to tell you the truth, loads of times, but I didn’t know how.’

  ‘How about, “Hello Alex, my name’s not Laura, it’s Lily, and I’m a pathological liar,”?’

  That stumped me.

  ‘You know, I could report you, get you banned from Topfriendz. I could probably even tell the police about you, if I wanted.’

  ‘I know,’ I said.

  ‘I’m not going to, though. I’d rather just pretend you never existed. Do you know the worst thing? I had doubts about you all the way along, but I ignored them. The really basic stuff you didn’t know about football, the fact you didn’t seem to do anything on Topfriendz except talk to me occasionally, and that all your friends were random people . . . Sometimes you contradicted yourself too, or brought up stuff you couldn’t have known about. And when I think about it, you asked way too many questions about Jack. But I explained everything away. I liked you because you were easy to talk to, because you made me laugh. I thought you were ditzy, a bit flaky, maybe a bit immature too. But then, of course, you are only fifteen. Jess even said she had a bad feeling about you, and I defended you. I thought she didn’t like you because she was jealous.

  ‘Last night, after Jack called, I got out my old photo albums from when I was a kid, and found some pictures from the sports camps I went to. There was nobody in any of the photos who looked liked you. There was a girl called Laura, but she had a much darker complexion and completely different features. I should have checked sooner. Maybe it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have been so trusting. I didn’t realise there were people out there who got a kick out of pretending to be someone else.’