Expectation Hangover

by Christine Hassler

  “When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.”

  — Wayne Dyer

  Chapter Three

  WHAT DOES NOT WORK

  “Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”

  — J. K. Rowling

  How do you treat Expectation Hangovers? Well, it takes a lot more than two aspirin, some greasy food, and staying inside with the lights low. There are ways to experience temporary relief from hangover-like symptoms, but for permanent relief a comprehensive treatment and prevention plan is required. This is quite different from the way most of us face our hangovers — struggling to endure them and looking for something or someone to make us feel better. So before we talk about what does work, we need to talk about what doesn’t. The six most commonly used yet ineffective strategies for coping with Expectation Hangovers are summarized in this chapter.

  DISTRACTION

  An Expectation Hangover is the elephant in the room that you’d love to ignore. So instead of truly acknowledging it and facing it head-on, you channel all your energy into something else as a way to avoid it. You keep adding things to your to-do list, crowding out any contemplative space in your life. Your life is full of busyness, not fulfillment. You take a vacation, hoping that a tan will rid you of your worries; you dodge conversations or connections with people that may require vulnerability; you find a project or person to obsess about, to remove the focus from your own pain; or you immerse yourself in some kind of adventure that will distract you from dealing with what is.

  “I gave up my job in Switzerland to be with my husband in the United States but found myself in the middle of a divorce just a year later. I kept myself very busy — too busy — so I wouldn’t have to think about what went wrong. I worked full-time, studied part-time, and started to build my writing career. After almost two years of being a workaholic, I couldn’t handle the stress anymore and crashed. I guess I still have some unfinished business to attend to, and I am doing it piece by piece now that I have some room to breathe and the strength to deal with it.”

  — Isabelle

  Consider: How do you distract yourself from focusing on your Expectation Hangover? How do you avoid truly dealing with disappointment?

  NUMBING THE PAIN

  Instead of diverting the pain of an Expectation Hangover, you may use some kind of numbing, or suppression, technique. Common methods of numbing include drinking, eating, working, spending money, watching TV, escaping with drugs (prescription or street), spending time on social media, internet surfing, and overexercising. Any kind of addictive behavior that keeps you from truly feeling is a form of suppression. Numbing is easy to do because there is no shortage of quick pick-me-ups and distractions. However, numbing is one of the most damaging coping strategies due to the high level of stimulation it involves. In order to maintain a particular level of suppression over time, you have to keep upping the ante and increasing the stimulation. So the longer you suppress by numbing, the more dependent you become on your suppression tool of choice.

  “I was the ‘other woman,’ believing he would leave his girlfriend for me. When I realized this wasn’t going to happen, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Chocolate, wine, and TV became my best friends.”

  — Francesca

  Consider: What substances or behaviors do you use to numb yourself? When you want to get rid of an unpleasant feeling or thought, what do you crave?

  BEING STRONG

  When something disappointing happens, we often buy into the assumption that we are being tested and that passing the test depends on pushing through and persevering, without giving ourselves permission to fully feel. We live in a world where being strong and pretending nothing is bothering us is not only common, but rewarded. “Be strong” is one of the most common pieces of advice I’ve heard, and it’s one of my least favorite because the implication is we shouldn’t feel. We put on a mask, trying to look strong on the outside while falling apart on the inside. Being strong is overrated. Pushing away an Expectation Hangover usually means you’re going to be pushing aside some valuable learning and healing. Vulnerability is a powerful tool for healing. Harshness and mental toughness diminish vulnerability. Perseverance is important when leveraging Expectation Hangovers, but the key is to persevere through your Expectation Hangover rather than mustering the strength to push it away or jump over it.

  “On the outside I acted like it was all fine — I was a tough girl. Everyone said, ‘Oh, it will just take time.’ I stopped sharing any feelings because I thought I just needed to be strong.”

  — Glenda

  Consider: Have you been told by others, or do you tell yourself, to “be strong” when you have an Expectation Hangover? What are the costs of “being strong”? What does vulnerability mean to you?

  PEP TALKS

  We understand the power of positive thinking because our thoughts have energy. However, when we are in the eye of an Expectation Hangover storm, giving ourselves a pep talk is not always appropriate and can be a form of avoidance. I see many people put pressure on themselves to move immediately into reciting positive affirmations, but it does not feel authentic in the midst of disappointment. Don’t get me wrong — I am not advocating negative thinking or indulging in a pity party. What I am saying is that acknowledging what is truly authentic for you is an important part of your healing. Pressuring yourself to think completely positive thoughts will most likely trigger self-judgment because it is an unrealistic expectation.

  Consider: When experiencing an Expectation Hangover, are you quick to find a way to “make everything okay”? Does positive thinking feel sustainable and believable? If you could give yourself permission to acknowledge that you don’t like what is happening, would that be a relief?

  THE NEXT BEST THING

  When we don’t like what is happening, we often assume that we just need a new set of circumstances. A new job, a new city, a new relationship, a new car — “the next best thing.” Even if you move to a new city, get a new job, start a new relationship, or invest in a big purchase, that external thing is only a replacement, not a solution, because you’re still carrying around all the unresolved internal issues from your Expectation Hangover. Trying to replace the pain of one thing with the pleasure of something else will not create lasting positive results in your life. Why not? Because what motivated and attracted the new thing was your disappointment and feeling of lacking something. And that’s like building a house on sand. It may stand for a while, but sooner or later, the house will sink because it isn’t built on a strong foundation.

  “Instead of dealing with the hurt and betrayal from my breakup, I thought the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else. Yet each new relationship I created felt meaningless and disappointing, so I ended up still feeling miserable, and lonely too.”

  — Sophia

  Consider: When have you attempted to treat an Expectation Hangover by seeking out “the next best thing”? How did it work out for you? Are you searching for something external to cure your disappointment?

  SPIRITUAL BYPASS

  When we have an Expectation Hangover, we sometimes take a “spiritual bypass,” attempting to jump immediately to the blessings of the situation without doing the work that actually facilitates the kind of learning that creates lasting changes in our life. In my experience we cannot solely meditate, chant, or pray our way out of an Expectation Hangover. Spiritual practices are key, but we are multidimensional beings. If we attempt to see the silver lining too soon, we may be turning away from the truth of our human experience. Just as our Expectation Hangovers involve a range of experiences, we have to be willing to address them on a range of levels — emotional, mental, and behavioral, as well as spiritual.

  Consider: Are you attempting to repress your negative thoughts, immediately looking for the blessing? Do you believe you should not feel bad — or even experience guilt for “
indulging” in your feelings? Are you relying on some spiritual practice to cure your Expectation Hangover?

  You have probably used at least a few of the above coping strategies at different times. And you’re in good company. We all employ these strategies because we are never really taught how to deal with disappointment effectively. Because Expectation Hangovers don’t feel good, we look for an expedient way to ease the discomfort. If you deny, judge, or resist your process and what an Expectation Hangover is catalyzing within you, you may actually amplify your symptoms. Left untreated, Expectation Hangovers continue to affect you and influence your thoughts, feelings, decisions, and reactions. Furthermore, you will continue to unconsciously re-create different versions of the same Expectation Hangover.

  “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

  — Helen Keller

  Chapter Four

  AWARENESS AND ACCEPTANCE

  “Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.”

  — Byron Katie

  Now that we’ve established that Expectation Hangovers hold keys for transformation, I know you’d love to jump right to the fulfillment part. But, trust me, if you want lasting fulfillment — the kind that is not based on any external outcome — allow yourself the time and dignity of your process. You are worth it.

  Begin by becoming fully aware of what your Expectation Hangover is and how it is affecting you. Awareness means “having knowledge or cognizance.” The more you understand your Expectation Hangovers, the easier it is to treat yourself and alleviate negative symptoms.

  Just as a doctor would have you fill out an intake form and ask you a lot of questions about your medical history and current symptoms, you must comprehensively assess your Expectation Hangover in order to treat it effectively. Let’s begin by examining how your Expectation Hangover is affecting you on the emotional, mental, behavioral, and spiritual levels.

  EXERCISE

  Expectation Hangover Assessment Form

  Refer back to the answers you wrote for the Identifying Your Expectation Hangovers exercise (p. 10) and, for each Expectation Hangover you identified, answer the following questions comprehensively.

  1.What caused the Expectation Hangover? Name the Expectation Hangover (for example, “Not Getting the Job I Wanted”) and write the name at the top of your assessment form.

  2.What specifically were the expectations you had of yourself and/or of someone or something else?

  3.What thing that happened or didn’t happen is contributing most to your Expectation Hangover?

  4.Of the six temporary coping strategies discussed in chapter 3, which ones have you been using?

  5.What feelings are you experiencing?

  6.Describe the current state and theme of your thoughts: Are they in the future or the past? Are they supportive or critical? Are they positive or negative? What are you obsessing about?

  7.What do you believe about yourself as a result of your Expectation Hangover?

  8.What do you believe about others and/or life in general as a result of your Expectation Hangover?

  9.What conclusions have you drawn as a result of your Expectation Hangover (for example, “I shouldn’t have trusted that person,” “I don’t get what I want,” “Life isn’t fair”).

  10.What actions are you taking or not taking as a result of your Expectation Hangover?

  11.How has your Expectation Hangover impacted your faith or your connection to a Higher Power?

  12.Does this Expectation Hangover remind you of things from your past? Are certain memories surfacing? How does this feel familiar?

  13.How do you perceive your future now? When you think about what’s ahead, what do you see?

  This assessment form is your awareness tool. Keep it handy because you will refer to it as we move into the treatment plan.

  THE FIRST STEP OUT OF DISAPPOINTMENT

  Have you ever practiced martial arts? One of the core principles is that instead of resisting a punch that is thrown at you, you should accept it and follow the energy of the punch because resistance takes more energy than acceptance. A punch hurts more if we resist it. Similarly, when you move into acceptance of your disappointment, there is no resistance of what is, so you have far more energy to treat your Expectation Hangover.

  Acceptance does not mean you have to like the circumstances and symptoms of your Expectation Hangover; rather it means being free of judgment about it. What is judgment? Each time something happens and we form an opinion about it, or label it as “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong,” we are judging and resisting what is. There is what happens (reality), and then there is the meaning we make of it (our interpretation of reality). Our judgments feel true to us, but they are really only beliefs we create. These limiting interpretations of reality keep our Expectation Hangover in a stagnant state, making it more difficult for us to transform.

  From a very young age, we are taught about right and wrong, and rewarded for being “good.” It feels natural to judge because our egos long for reassurance, and judging something gives us a false sense of certainty. Our desire for certainty can hinder our evolution because judgment locks in emotions, beliefs, and behaviors that cause and perpetuate disappointment. Judging — ourselves, others, and the world — is so pervasive it has become our default mode.

  Think of your Expectation Hangover and consider your judgments about it: Do you think it shouldn’t have happened? Do you think it was terrible? Do you believe things should have been different? Do you think you were wronged? Do you think you were wrong? Do you believe it caused undesirable circumstances in your life? Do you see yourself as damaged by it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then judgment is perpetuating your hangover.

  You may be thinking, “The thing that caused my Expectation Hangover was awful — I can’t imagine accepting it!” What is key to understand is that acceptance does not mean you condone or agree with what happened. Rather, acceptance means you stop trying to make meaning out of what happened or didn’t happen, and you put aside the opinion that things should or shouldn’t have gone a certain way. Acceptance means letting go of judgment and your attachment to labeling things “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong.” Acceptance means you choose to no longer employ temporary coping strategies to fight your Expectation Hangover.

  “Being my partner’s caregiver after his brain injury has been far more traumatic than my military experience. I have so much trouble accepting he is not dead but no longer the man I knew, accepting there would be no recovering our dreams. I need to make a brand-new plan to include the new set of circumstances. I can only accept all things. Blaming myself is not the answer. Accepting my own true nature as love opens my heart to give love and receive love. I realize I am the cause of my own suffering. When I compartmentalize the pain and take ownership as opposed to blame, I open myself up to a perspective that allows me to move forward instead of stagnating.”

  — Didi

  Moving through this book and treating your Expectation Hangover effectively will be much easier if you hold an unconditionally accepting, open-minded, and expansive attitude toward yourself, others, and reality as a whole. Things have been hard enough so far, haven’t they? Choose the grace plan: move into acceptance.

  EXERCISE

  Moving into Acceptance

  This exercise will help you move into acceptance so you can complete the treatment plan in part 2 effectively.

  1.What are you judging about your Expectation Hangover? In other words, what do you think should or shouldn’t have happened? List all of your opinions and judgments about the situation in your journal.

  2.Think of a time when things didn’t exactly go your way but you accepted it rather than fig
hting it or going for a quick fix. It can be something as big as not fighting for a promotion you didn’t get or something as seemingly small as not getting upset over a flight being late. Bring to mind a time when you simply accepted what was. Then close your eyes and really enliven the memory by visualizing it in great detail until you are experiencing what acceptance feels like.

  3.Once you are in the feeling of acceptance, look over the list you wrote in response to the questions in step 1 and rewrite it, using the phrase “I am willing to accept” before each statement. For example, “I am willing to accept that I was dumped,” “I am willing to accept that I didn’t get a promotion,” “I am willing to accept that I wish I made a different choice.” Remember: acceptance does not mean you have to like it; it just means you are releasing resistance against what is.

  4.Acknowledge yourself for being willing to change your point of view from one of judgment to one of acceptance. Notice what a relief it is to stop resisting and judging.

  DENISE’S STORY

  You could say I’ve been kind of a control freak from day one. Growing up, I was always “the boss.” In fact, my brother had a special acronym for me that clearly affirms my natural tendencies: SCMCOTU (Supreme Commander, Master Controller of the Universe). I shudder to imagine the challenge I was for my parents.