I forgive myself for judging…for…(For example: I forgive myself for judging my father for never being there for me.)
I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that… (For example: I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that I am a failure because I lost my job.)
I forgive myself for buying into the limiting belief that…(For example: I forgive myself for buying into the limiting belief that I did something wrong and I am being punished.)
4.Say all your self-forgiveness statements out loud, as that is powerful and this is your power tool. Don’t just say the words; feel them. Use your intuition to guide you through this process. You may be learning this tool for the first time. Go slow. Relieve yourself of the expectation to forgive every judgment you’ve ever made. Know this power tool is always available in your life’s tool kit. Feel the waves of compassion wash over you. Keep saying these self-forgiveness statements until you experience a positive shift in your energy.
Letting go of judgment liberates us from pain and the illusion of separation. What feels as though it has been lost returns when you forgive yourself, accept your human process, and free the power that has been locked in your judgment-based emotions, thoughts, and actions.
SURRENDERING TO A HIGHER POWER
“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
— Ann Landers
What I’ve learned by coaching people is that Expectation Hangovers hit us in our most tender areas (often repeatedly). For example, people who long to be in healthy romantic partnerships experience pain involving breakups, betrayals in relationships, and not finding love, whereas people who are content in their love lives are usually disappointed with something else, such as their career.
This isn’t some cruel joke from the Universe — remember that Expectation Hangovers don’t happen to punish us! They keep recurring because sometimes it takes getting hit where it hurts the most to wake us up. Most people don’t come to me for help because everything in their life is going great. They come because their Expectation Hangover has brought them to their knees and they are seeking a different path.
Surrender is one of those sexy spiritual words that is a pain in the you-know-what to practice when we are not getting what we want. We don’t like it when the Universe seems to miss the memo on how we think things should be — in fact, it’s the very thing that challenges our faith the most. But the truth is, the Universe doesn’t miss anything. Your Expectation Hangover has brought you to your own personal wall, the edge of what you knew yourself to be. Instead of focusing on how big the obstacle is, or how impossible something may seem, lay down your will and surrender to the will of something greater. That may be God, or the Divine, or the Source, or Spirit, or Allah — the name doesn’t matter; all that matters is that you connect back with your Higher Power.
“I feel like the Universe stepped in and knew that I needed a little assistance. When everything essentially fell apart, I was opened up to a place where I didn’t feel like I had a choice any longer — I had to let go of what I thought I wanted and move forward to find myself.”
— Hannah
The Seeker recognizes the value of surrender, of letting Spirit lead and relying less on the mind and directives from our expectations. We don’t have to navigate life all by ourselves. There is so much support and guidance available to us from Spirit, but without surrender, it is impossible to take full advantage of it. The loneliness of Expectation Hangovers can propel us into establishing or deepening a relationship with a Higher Power. Most human beings experience longing. We think it’s a longing for a soul mate or a life purpose, but ultimately, we all long to feel the connection to Spirit that we were born with.
I am not saying you shouldn’t long for love or a career that lights your fire. Those things are wonderful. What I am saying is that the Universe may be giving you an advanced course in surrender right now to deepen your connection to your Higher Power. Make this a time to find the truest source of Love, comfort, and meaning that there is. Don’t neglect the opportunity to admit a Divine influence into your life.
MARY’S STORY
When I was thirty-one years old, I married the man of my dreams, and within our first year of marriage, I was diagnosed with cancer. The news of the cancer spun my life around and took me in a completely new direction. My sense of spirituality broadened; I became a spiritual seeker, and my life paradigm shifted. I was led away from a life of toxic habits to a life of holistic healing. I began to meditate. I chose to forgive people in my life. One avenue led to another, which led to another. While it was traumatic and scary, it taught me what is important. I learned that love is the most important thing; that I am worthy of all good things; that God fully supports me; and that life can be good no matter what — we just have to choose the way we see a certain situation. I also learned I could let go and trust God. The spiritual maturity that I’ve developed has been the biggest blessing of my Expectation Hangover. I’m a completely different person; I see life differently and have a renewed perspective. I did a 180, from being a default pessimist to being an eternal optimist. Of course, I have bad days sometimes, but now I have the tools, like meditation and prayer, to turn it around. I trust that God has my back and that His plans are for my Highest Good. It’s so incredibly liberating and brings me such a sense of peace!
GUIDED VISUALIZATION
Surrender as a Spiritual Practice
You can download the audio version of this exercise at www.expectationhangover.com/bonus
This is a sacred process of surrendering, so take the time to create the space to experience this exercise fully. During this visualization exercise you will be engaging in physical movement that will help you connect with a Higher Power. Make sure you are undisturbed and have a quiet place to go on this inward journey. You will also need a candle. Read all the directions so you understand them, then take yourself through the exercise.
1.Before you begin, light the candle and ask, “May only that which is for my Highest Good come forward.”
2.Sit either on the floor or in a chair with your spine straight. Rest your hands on your lap with your palms facing up. Do not cross or touch your hands at all.
3.Close your eyes and take five to ten deep, slow breaths in this receptive position.
4.Bring your awareness to the very top of your head. As you do, you might feel a tingling sensation along your scalp. Start to expand your awareness up and up and up. Take it three feet above your head, then another three feet, and keep expanding and expanding. Feel into your invisible connection to a Higher Power. Keep breathing.
5.Now with this expanded awareness, begin to bring to mind your Expectation Hangover and all the disappointment, cares, and concerns that go along with it. Imagine you are holding your Expectation Hangover, and all the symptoms that go with it, in your hands. Really see it. What color is it? What shape does it have? Maybe it’s gray and wiry, or maybe it’s a bright red box. Whatever you see is fine; trust your intuition to guide you.
6.Now really feel the weight of this Expectation Hangover in your hands. Feel the heaviness of it. Keep seeing the image, the color and shape, and imagine it getting bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier. Allow yourself to fully experience the weight of the Expectation Hangover that is burdening you. Keep breathing.
7.Now you are going to move into a sacred process of surrendering your Expectation Hangover to Spirit. To do so, gently and very slowly begin to physically lift your hands, which have been holding on to all your disappointment, cares, and concerns. As your hands rise, continue to see the image and feel the heaviness of your Expectation Hangover. Keep lifting and lifting your hands and arms until they are extended above your head and hold them there. Feel the discomfort. Allow yourself to physically experience the pain of carrying your Expectation Hangover.
8.When you have had enough and are ready t
o let go, imagine that a column of white light is descending upon you and removing the burden of your Expectation Hangover from your hands like a spiritual vacuum cleaner. See the color and shape of your Expectation Hangover being lifted into the light and slowly taken out of your hands. Feel the new lightness in your hands. Gradually and naturally, allow your arms to descend back onto your lap. Feel the lightness that surrender creates. You do not have to hold on to so much. You can let go. It is safe to surrender. This is the process of letting go and “letting God.”
9.Feel yourself being taken care of by a Higher Power. Allow this process of handing over to be a way that you establish and nourish your personal connection to Spirit.
10.To complete this process say “Thank you” inwardly and take a deep breath into your heart area. Breathe in the light and love that are always available to you.
11.When you are ready, slowly open your eyes and bring your awareness back into the room.
Repeat this meditation whenever your Expectation Hangover feels like too much to bear.
Kasey had freed herself from an Expectation Hangover regarding her career (she ended up resigning from a “dream job” because of a toxic work environment). Recently, Kasey felt torn between being extremely proactive to make things happen and allowing herself the space to let things come naturally. When she pushes herself to “figure things out,” she feels overwhelmed and anxious, and then shuts down; but when she errs on the passive side, she feels she isn’t doing enough and fears missing out on opportunities because she’s not taking action.
This is very common. We work hard to make things happen until we are so exhausted that we give ourselves a break. And then, once we do, we believe we are not doing enough; we then throw ourselves back into trying to make things happen. Whenever we are bouncing between these two extremes, we end up getting nowhere because it’s impossible to really gain any momentum. So which is a “better” approach: being extremely proactive or allowing things to happen naturally? The answer is neither.
Does surrendering mean we hand everything over to a Higher Power and just sit around waiting for destiny to knock at our door? No! As we are spiritual beings having a human experience, surrender is often a process of letting things happen naturally while being attuned to the feedback we are getting from the Universe. I call this “proactive surrender.” Proactive surrender is very different from either resignation or control: it does not mean giving up and doing nothing at all, nor does it mean fighting against reality, attempting to force things to happen.
Shortly after my thirty-fifth birthday, when I went in for my yearly gynecological exam, my doctor shared the disappointing news that my fertility was declining. This was like a punch in the gut. My doctor reminded me of the option to freeze my eggs, and at first, I was against it. There were the practical reasons like the large expense, the physical and emotional discomfort, and the risks involved. And there were the more spiritual reasons that had to do with my belief systems: if God wants me to have a child, it’s really up to Him.
To make sure I was not just resigning and calling it surrender, I stepped into proactive surrender, which involved going within and then asking for external feedback. I meditated, asked for help, and enlisted the assistance of the Seeker to be observant of any guidance I was receiving. Within the next week, three significant things happened. First, a friend announced I must meet a friend of hers. So we set a lunch date, and within the first fifteen minutes, the conversation led to her choice to freeze her eggs and how liberating it was for her. Second, while on the road, I went to work out at a hotel gym, where the TV was on, and there just happened to be a news report on the new advances in egg freezing. Third, I was sitting at a restaurant, waiting for a friend, and overheard the conversation of the two women sitting next to me. One of the women was talking about problems she was having with fertility and said, “I just wish I had frozen my eggs when I was younger.” Clearly, my prayer had been answered.
I learned that surrender does not mean just letting go of a dream entirely, but rather being open to how something will happen, while taking value-aligned action steps in support of the dream. Spirit meets us at our point of action and intention.
The decision to freeze my eggs felt both like a value-aligned action and a way to surrender to the “what is” of my life. The truth was that I did want kids, and I surrendered to the fact that, for whatever reason, there was not a man in my life to have them with yet. I felt empowered by proactive surrender and also began to look for all the ways I do express the essence of being a mother right now with my clients, friends, and readers. And I’m happy to report that I now have a total of eleven viable eggs frozen.
Here is a prayer you can use to help yourself practice proactive surrender: “God, please help me to know what my next step is and to recognize it when you put it before me. Grant me the courage and willingness to take it. Bless me with the knowledge that everything happens in perfect Divine time.”
TRANSFORMATIONAL TRUTH
Things Happen in Due Time
A common complaint from individuals dealing with disappointment is “I am doing all this work on myself, and I feel different inside. But things in my life are not changing.” They’ve followed the Expectation Hangover treatment plan perfectly, so where is the money, job, health, or relationship? If you feel that your external world is not reflective of the “new you,” please do not get discouraged by interpreting it as feedback that you aren’t doing enough.
“The value of not getting what I want when I want it has taught me that everything is Divine timing. No matter how much I want things or situations to move faster, everything happens when it’s meant to be. I find peace when I trust that God knows what’s best for us, when things need to happen in our life, and, most important, when we are ready for it. Although sometimes we feel we are ready for things in life, sometimes we are truly not.”
— Abira
The truth is that physical reality (the goal line) is very dense, unlike our emotional, mental, or spiritual world (the soul line), where change is more fluid and immediate.
Interesting little fact: a bamboo seed takes up to seven years to sprout, but once it does, it can grow thirteen feet in only one week. Unbelievable! Sometimes the seeds we plant do take time to sprout. The growth work we do requires a gestation period, and things happen in due time. We must give up our desire for instant gratification and our obsession with results, and measure progress by the differences felt inside rather than by what is different on the outside. It is normal to feel like big dreams are taking forever to come true, to wonder if you are doing something wrong, and to think perhaps you should settle for less. But I assure you that no matter how long it takes, once it happens, you will wonder how you ever doubted it and be glad you never settled.
LESSON QUEST
“We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.”
— Jane Austen
I promised you at the beginning of this book that I would not say that everything happens for a reason without sharing with you how to discover the reason. Now it is time for that discovery. You are about to embark on a journey on the soul line by answering the question “What is my soul seeking to help me learn through my Expectation Hangover?” This journey will demand that you take “responseability” for your life — not in the sense of blaming yourself, but in the sense that you have the ability to respond to the situations in your life from the position of a Seeker rather than a victim. This quest will take you to new heights where you will have the spiritual altitude to see the events in your life from an elevated perspective. On this quest, you will experience many miracles as you change your perceptions. As a Seeker, you travel light and know that judgment is a heavy load to carry. You are equipped with a headlamp that shines light during the dark times. This lamp represents your insight. Notice that word: in-sight. This is a quest you will take alone, as spiritual wisdom comes from getting quiet, being still, and going
within. No one can answer your deepest questions but you.
“What my Expectation Hangover taught me is that it all happened for a reason. Because of my dysfunctional upbringing, I did not do too well in high school or finish college, but my experiences made me who I am today. The ‘street smarts’ I have, the spiritual enlightenment, the way I process emotions and things in my daily life cannot be taught in any school. I understand the big picture, the Higher Power that guides me daily, and I could not be more grateful. The person I am today came from the struggles I had all my yesterdays and affects who I am growing into tomorrow.”
— Sagen
A caution for your quest: do not expect to “figure out” all the lessons of your Expectation Hangover. Some will come quickly in the form of great epiphanies, and some will reveal themselves to you slowly over time. Through your awakened faith, you will see that what is dark right now will one day become light and that what you do not know will be shown to you in time. Have patience with yourself, your process, and Divine timing.
Although I felt I’d overcome the disappointment of my fiancé breaking up with me in my twenties, the biggest soul lesson did not reveal itself to me until very recently (nearly ten years later). I rarely thought about my exfiancé, and I felt a sense of completion with that relationship; but there was one gem I had not yet gathered from that particular Expectation Hangover. And because Spirit is such a marvelous and thorough teacher, during a meditation, I unexpectedly got the lesson I missed. I received the insight, but not until I was ready for it.
My client Adam helped build a company but ended up leaving with a massive Expectation Hangover after his partners forced him out. Recently, he found out the company sold for thirty million dollars. Had he stood up to his partners and stayed, he would have received half of that money. He told me about this with a huge smile on his face as he shared how he was not upset at all over not getting any of the money: “Sure, the money would have been nice, but without the experience of being unfairly forced out of that company, I would not be the man, the father, the husband, the creative entrepreneur, and the seeker I am today. The disappointment from that exit put me on my spiritual path — and that is priceless.”
Expectation Hangover Page 19