Again, you do not have control over what happens in life, but you do have dominion over how you respond to it. At the University of Santa Monica, we say, “How you relate to the issue is the issue.” Are you ready to relate to the issue of your Expectation Hangover as a Seeker and tap into your resourcefulness? As you do so, you will strengthen the muscles of your inner Seeker so that you will default to valuing the opportunities and blessings in every Expectation Hangover more than any external outcome. When we connect the dots in our lives, we gain clarity. Those “aha moments” in life open up space in our mind that was previously crowded with misunderstanding.
“Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
EXERCISE
Exploring Your Spiritual Curriculum
Begin by centering yourself in the present moment and connecting to the Seeker. Set an intention to move through this exercise with a judgment-free approach. Be a miracle maker in your own life by being willing to see your Expectation Hangovers from a different perspective. When you feel attuned to the Seeker, respond to the following questions in your journal, focusing on one of your Expectation Hangovers.
1.What external goal-line attachments is your Expectation Hangover giving you the opportunity to release?
2.What changes is your Expectation Hangover giving you the opportunity to make?
3.How are your challenges actually serving you rather than punishing you?
4.In what way is your Expectation Hangover catalyzing a different relationship with yourself? In what way is it catalyzing a relationship with Spirit?
5.What about your Expectation Hangover are you grateful for?
6.From the Seeker’s perspective, given your responses to questions 1–5, what are the major lessons of your life curriculum?
Complete this exercise for as many Expectation Hangovers as you like. Be a thorough Seeker! The more Expectation Hangovers you explore, the more advanced an understanding you will have of your life curriculum.
NORA’S STORY
I was completely broke and filled with self-judgment about my dismal financial situation. I started aggressively looking for a higher-paying job. I thought that all my problems would be solved when I was flown across North America to be wined and dined at the headquarters of a rapidly growing software company. When I accepted the position, my salary more than doubled. I thought I had finally made it — I had achieved career success! The months that followed were devastatingly disappointing. Sure, my paychecks were bigger, but I was also working double the hours at triple the pace. I was micromanaged to the minute; the company culture was shallow and cutthroat; and the work itself was tedious and boring. The travel schedule was so rigorous that I had to spend my vacation time catching up on sleep and errands. The more my bank account grew, the angrier I became that I did not have time to spend the money. At the height of my Expectation Hangover, I was confused, beyond stressed-out, and beginning to realize my formula for success was failing.
So I quit and leaped into the unknown. I began seeking out what got me into this situation in the first place. The biggest lesson I learned is that I had been letting my net worth define my self-worth. For most of my life, I bought into the belief that once I made a lot of money, I’d feel good about myself. I see now that I had to have the experience of making a lot of money but still being miserable, to learn how to untangle my sense of self-worth from my salary. Once I got clear on what I wanted my life to look like, I was able to see that the resource I really needed more of was time, not money.
Experiencing both a low-paying job and a workaholic culture taught me to appreciate both time and money when I have them, because both can be scarce. I learned to manage my money and do more with less. I gained clarity on what is important to me in a job, courage when it comes to making my own rules, and insight on how to be discerning. I was able to walk away from offers of a high salary in favor of work-life balance and not judge myself as unsuccessful. Eventually, I did find a job that allowed me to work a forty-hour workweek, and that is when my goals outside of work really took off. I completed a yoga teacher training course, traveled to Costa Rica, learned how to surf, decorated my apartment, read voraciously, and took up backcountry skiing. Even though my bank account was not as shiny, my soul was delighted.
YOUR LIFE PURPOSE
Nearly every person I have encountered is, or has at some point been, searching for their life purpose — usually in the form of a career, person, or family. But the true, and really the only, purpose of life is to grow and become more aware of the Love we are, and then share that Love in the form of relationships, self-expression, and work.
Last year I met a forty-year-old man who had lived between Costa Rica and the United States for many years but now lives full-time in Costa Rica. When I asked him why, he said, “Because Americans don’t understand what the purpose of life is.” “We don’t? Well, what is it?” I asked. He smiled at me with the kind of smile someone gives you when they have an incredible insight they are about to share, and said, “The purpose of life is to love. Here we know that. And we are happy. There everyone is looking for something or someone to be their purpose rather than enjoying every moment and living life. I live my life, every moment of it, and that is my purpose.”
Now, I wish that an insight from a man in Costa Rica would be all you needed to hear to let go of your desire to find something that feels purposeful, but I know it’s not. My guess is you are probably not going to move to Costa Rica tomorrow, drink from coconuts, and bask in the Love that you are. I understand you would really love to do things you love and feel purposeful.
A piece of advice we often hear when it comes to discovering our purpose in life is to “follow our passion.” But before you can follow your passion, you have to find it. So where do you look for it? How do you discover what you are deeply passionate about from the perspective of the soul line rather than the goal line?
You may have sought out clues to your passion in things like personality inventories, self-help books, or career assessment tests. Or perhaps you are considering your hobbies or looking back to things you enjoyed as a kid to gather some clues about what you love. Although those places may offer you great insight, I encourage you to look for your passion somewhere else: in your Expectation Hangovers.
Did you know that the original definition of the word passion was actually “suffering”? (It referred to the sufferings of Jesus between the night of the Last Supper and his death.) Over time the word passion has evolved to mean “love; a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept.” So the word means two things: suffering and love. There is key information in this.
Most people I know who are doing something they are truly passionate about were inspired by their Expectation Hangovers, myself included!
Akirah finally found the courage to end an abusive relationship with the man she had planned on marrying. Initially, she was depressed and jealous of friends in healthy relationships. She withdrew from people and turned to drinking and dating to escape her pain. She eventually allowed herself to grieve and joined a support group for survivors of domestic abuse. Today she is passionate about teaching women and girls about abuse and healthy relationships. She says:
I’m now married to a wonderful man, but had I never experienced abuse, I would have never identified my passion for sharing my story. I want to teach women and girls about abuse and the importance of pursuing healthy relationships. I firmly believe I was put on the planet to spread awareness of this issue. Through writing and speaking, I see the connections I form with awesome ladies from all over as the biggest blessings of all. In honor of those whose lives were taken by an abusive partner, I take this work very seriously. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is my blessing from God and my offering to others.
I encourage you to put away the personality tests, books, and advice from others for a moment and
examine your own life curriculum to discover the key to your passion. Your passion is within you. It is not something you need to seek outside yourself. Just as the word passion evolved from “suffering” to “love,” see how you can evolve and awaken that passion inside of you by viewing your Expectation Hangover from the altitude of a Seeker. When you truly understand that everything that has happened in your life has been for your Highest Good, you will naturally be called to serve rather than experiencing any suffering.
As we clear out our disappointment, the impulse is to share all the love we have rediscovered and lessons we have learned. This service does not necessarily need to translate to a career. You don’t have to be a speaker, write a book, coach, start a business, set up a nonprofit organization, or have a platform of any kind to contribute. You share your lessons and blessings with all the people you interact with, from your spouse to the clerk at the grocery store. You express them in any kind of work you do, whether you like your job or not. You live your calling by the unique ways that you express yourself and touch the planet. True passion is love — loving who we are, loving what we do, loving each other, and sharing love wherever we go.
“Work is love made visible.”
— Kahlil Gibran
EXERCISE
Downloading Your Purpose
Spend some time reflecting on what your greatest Expectation Hangovers (as a source of suffering in your life) have been, then respond to the following questions in your journal.
1.What have been the challenges? What are the unique things you have gone through? (Whatever you’ve gone through is important — do not minimize anything!)
2.Have you experienced certain patterns in your suffering, such as feeling abandoned, unworthy, or isolated?
3.What insights have you gathered from your suffering when you’ve looked at it from an empowered rather than a victim perspective — when you’ve looked at it without judgment or thinking any of it was wrong?
4.What actions (inner and outer) have you taken to heal your suffering and move into compassion and forgiveness?
5.If you were speaking with someone you care for deeply who was experiencing a similar Expectation Hangover, what advice would you offer?
6.What is the change you so deeply want to see in the world?
Have deep reverence for all the Expectation Hangovers you have endured in life. It has all been in service to your learning and the legacy you are here to leave. Love it all and I assure you that you will find your passion.
MARCIA’S STORY
When I was twenty-seven, I was diagnosed with stage-three ovarian cancer. I was newly married and ready to start a family. My expectation was to get pregnant and have my child that year. Instead, a surgery was scheduled to remove the tumor, and the doctor assured me I could have children, even with one ovary remaining. I was expected to recover quickly and be back to work in a week. The Expectation Hangover got even worse after the doctors opened me up in surgery and found cancer spread throughout my abdomen. An emergency hysterectomy was necessary. When I woke up, the doctor broke the news. I was devastated by the cancer and unexpected infertility.
My husband and I struggled through the treatment process and dealing with infertility. We divorced one year to the day from the date of my diagnosis. I had to move cross-country and back in with my parents. I dealt with my grief through counseling. I spent a short time feeling like a victim; but then I realized how much more suffering being a victim actually created, and I decided to take a different approach. Fear told me that I would never recover, but faith told me that there was a reason I was going through this. I listened to faith instead of fear and began to ask, “What am I learning?”
The answer was that this seemingly devastating Expectation Hangover was truly the beginning of a whole life that looked nothing like the life I expected. The cancer and divorce catapulted me to levels of compassion and love for myself that I had never experienced. Even with a piece of me missing, I felt more complete than ever. Five years after my divorce, I met my current husband. We just celebrated our tenth anniversary and have seven-year-old twin boys thanks to the help of a surrogate and egg donor.
A few years later, more of the “reason” for my Expectation Hangover was revealed. I felt a huge call to help other families after a cancer diagnosis so they too could see it as a new beginning rather than a death sentence. With the help of our surrogate and other friends, I started a nonprofit, which is an online support forum that allows patients and caregivers to easily connect with family and friends. We make sure no one goes through cancer alone.
TOOL
Prayer
“Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you: love, prayer, and forgiveness.”
— H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Prayer is another powerful practice to engage in to grow on the soul line and treat your Expectation Hangover. I’ve seen many people who question religious structures discount the effectiveness of prayer, but this is like throwing the baby out with the holy water!
Prayer is a bit different from meditation in that prayer involves actively invoking or speaking to Spirit, whereas meditation is a process of being still and receptive. I like to think of prayer as having a little talk with Spirit, in the same way I’d open up to a trusted friend. You do not have to know what you are going to say; just open your heart and begin the conversation. Simply take a moment to center yourself by bringing your attention to your breath, then take three deep, slow breaths into your heart space and just begin. I find it helpful to pray out loud so my mind does not wander and so I am more fully anchored in the energy of prayer. Trust that there is no wrong way to pray (except not doing it!).
Adjusting what you are praying for will profoundly shift your experience of prayer. A lot of us tend to think of Spirit as a waiter. We place our order with the Universe and expect it will come back to us just the way we like it. Or we think of Spirit as a judge we negotiate with — “If you do this for me, then I will do this.” If our prayers are not answered in the way we expected, not only are we faced with an Expectation Hangover, but we also begin to question our faith. Praying for “my will” versus “thy will” leads to missing out on the opportunity to step into greater faith.
Instead of asking for some outcome or negotiating with Spirit, pray for what you would like to experience. For example, during the time after my divorce, when being single was so disappointing for me, I shifted the way I prayed. Instead of asking for a man to come into my life, I prayed for Spirit to help me alleviate my suffering over my relationship status. I prayed for grace and asked for a great experience of feeling connected to Spirit. I asked for Spirit to help me remember I was not alone.
If your prayer is focused on asking for help with dropping your judgments and moving into acceptance, rather than on asking for specific results, you just might find your prayers are answered a lot more often. Stop praying for material things and start praying for the internal experiences you would like to cultivate during your Expectation Hangover, like deeper levels of understanding, connection, grace, and healing. That way, you are asking for Spirit’s assistance in dealing with the reality of your life rather than praying for it to be different. Every prayer is answered; sometimes the answer is “no” or “not yet.” Rejection is often protection. Have faith that Spirit has a better idea in store.
Here are a few of my favorite prayers:
“Spirit, help me see myself the way you see me. And help me see others the way you see me.”
“I am willing to see the lessons in this situation. Show me the way.”
“Use me as your instrument.”
“Thy will be done.”
And perhaps the most powerful prayer of all: “Thank you.”
All that said, I still like to share my preferences with Spirit. What I mean by this is that in my prayer, I will speak my desires and longings, but without any attachment or requests. I do this by always asking for “this or something better, for the Hig
hest Good of all concerned.”
Prayer is a wonderful way to ask for support, but don’t forget to also ask your fellow classmates. Rely on your Higher Power, but do not make that the only thing you lean on. Reach out to loved ones and support groups to assist you and remind you that you are connected not just to a Higher Power, but to other loving souls as well.
Cher’s Expectation Hangover started when she moved her family from Arizona to California, a move she thought would be a regular transition. The move took an enormous financial and emotional toll; she lost a friend to cancer; her dog died; and her husband got very sick. “My life started to feel like a country western song,” she says. “Every bad thing that could happen, did!” By reaching out for support, breaking patterns of isolating herself during difficult times, and praying, Cher is now on the other side of her Expectation Hangover. As she explains it: “Tragedy can hit home just like that. I started to pray not for bad things not to happen, but to have the strength for whatever does happen that might be tough to handle. That change in prayer helped me to get out of thinking about when the next shoe was going to drop and to believe that I could handle anything that life threw my way.”
TRANSFORMATIONAL TRUTH
Leaps of Faith Come with Free Falls
“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.”
— Paulo Coelho
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