QUICK FIX 2: GO YOUR OWN WAY
Your intuition is your inner compass, and it will always steer you in a direction that is most aligned with your superpowers and core values. Often directives from our intuition seem random, but do not let that stop you from responding. Our mind likes to know the entire grand plan for life, while our intuition guides us one moment at a time, leading us to experiences, rather than outcomes, that feed our soul and plant the seeds of our next steps.
Last March in my morning meditation, I kept hearing “Australia, Australia, Australia.” Australia wasn’t on my mind at all, but I’ve learned that messages from my intuition tend to not make logical sense; my antenna was up. Shortly thereafter I got two new clients from Australia, received several emails from people in the Sydney area about whether or not I would go there to teach, and randomly turned on NPR one morning in the middle of a story about…Australia!
“Hmmm,” I thought, “what if I am supposed to go teach there?” Then all kinds of questions from my logical mind came up: When do I go? How do I plan an event in another country? How will I market it? These questions only stopped me. Then my intuition nudged me again as I heard “Book a ticket.” So I did. I bought a ticket without any clue why I was going. At the very least, I thought, I’d have a vacation. Then a series of synchronicities happened. People dropped into my life to support all the logistics, PR, staffing, and marketing of my event. Wonderful new Australian friends offered to host me. I had places to stay, got an upgrade to business class, and happened to go during the best time of year. All because I listened to my intuition.
Your intuition will not lead you to an Expectation Hangover — you just need to allow it to lead. Everyone has intuition. Yes, even you! But our intuition is not pushy and loud like our logical minds. It is more often a whisper than a shout, so set aside time to meditate and get quiet enough to hear. Perhaps there is an incredible insight waiting, but your mind is so distracted by anxiety, fear, or attachment to your comfort zone that your Higher Self is having a hard time getting through to you.
Stop attempting to “figure out” things with your logical mind. Stop running to others for answers to questions about your life. Stop waiting for some kind of lighting-bolt sign and pay more attention to the subtleties. Start listening to yourself and go your own way.
QUICK FIX 3: DON’T GO TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT FOR NACHOS
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
— Donald Miller
If you were craving nachos, would you go to a Chinese restaurant? No! Because you know that in a Chinese restaurant, they don’t serve nachos. In fact, they probably wouldn’t even have the ingredients to make them. If you really wanted nachos, you would go somewhere where they serve them, right? Now think about who you go to when you are craving support, encouragement, guidance, unbiased advice, loving feedback, or acknowledgment. Do you go to people who are consistently able to dish out what you are hungry for? Or do you find yourself going to people who do not have what you need on their menu and then find yourself consistently discouraged and disappointed?
Most of the time, we know what we are craving when we reach out to someone else. If someone in your life has consistently reacted and responded in a way that has not satisfied your needs, chances are they do not have the ingredients to do so. Continuing to go to that person, hoping that someday what you are hungry for appears on their menu, is like continuing to walk into a Chinese restaurant when you want nachos. You may get fed, but not with what you truly wanted to eat. And now the only leftover you have is an Expectation Hangover.
Beth had a perpetual Expectation Hangover regarding her father. She always had a dream that he would be involved in the life of his grandchildren, especially once he retired. Despite her attempts to have him play a bigger role by consistently inviting him to gatherings, sending pictures, and dropping by to spend time with him, he would either not show up or not be engaged if he was there. Although, as a father, he had been absent and disengaged, Beth was expecting him to be a different kind of grandfather. Beth explains:
As soon as I let go of the fantasy of who I wanted him to be and accepted him for who he was, I was no longer disappointed. Because I was so invested in changing my dad, I lost sight of how amazing a father my husband is. Now not only am I free of my Expectation Hangover; I am even more aware of the blessings in my life because I am focused on what I have rather than what is missing.
We cannot change people. I repeat: we cannot change people. This can be especially challenging when you really want a significant person in your life, such as a parent or romantic partner, to be able to satisfy your cravings. However, sometimes they just don’t have the ingredients to do so. Other people are not wrong if they don’t live up to your expectations; they are who they are. Accept what they do have to offer you.
Think of some of your common “cravings” that involve being supported by others: someone to just listen; an objective resource for feedback; someone to laugh with; someone you feel safe to be vulnerable with; a person who will offer time and physical assistance when you need help with a move or project; or someone who is encouraging. Now consider which people you go to for those things but who you come away from with an Expectation Hangover. Make a commitment to yourself that you will stop going to them when you have a craving for something they cannot dish out. Love and accept them for who they are; they are doing the best they can. Consider the people who do match up with some of your cravings — there may be a lot of cooks in your kitchen that you might not have been aware of because you were hanging on to expectations of others. Being conscious and proactive regarding our expectations of others is how we get desires and needs met in healthy and expectation-free ways.
It is true that we can be catalysts for another person’s change, but in most cases in order to be that catalyst, we have to be totally unattached to being it. Working and endlessly hoping to change someone else will not only lead to an Expectation Hangover, but it will also distract you from doing your own work. Often it is detachment, acceptance, and honoring our own truth that inspire others to find the truth within themselves.
QUICK FIX 4: WAKE UP FROM COMPARISON COMAS
“The key to being strong is to stop comparing. Don’t compare your body, job, life, or experience with others because everyone is coming from different experiences and angles, and we’re all exactly where we need to be. Let go of your story, because that’s all it is — be yourself completely as you are.”
— Kathryn Budig
Comparing ourselves to others is a hangover-inducing habit that robs us of joy, blinds us to our own gifts, makes gratitude impossible, and feels awful. It is far too easy to slip into a comparison coma — just spend thirty minutes on your Facebook newsfeed, and you may find yourself in one.
Comparison causes us to put unreasonable and unfair expectations on ourselves. Attempting to be like anyone other than yourself is like saying to God, “I really don’t like these particular superpowers you gave me. I want someone else’s instead.” Conversely, when you get out of envy energy, you can express and share your superpowers while at the same time celebrating the gifts you see in others.
When you feel yourself slipping into a comparison coma, use the Scientist to help you move out of envy and into research. Whatever you see in someone you admire is a positive projection, meaning that they are reflecting back to you something about yourself that you are not fully stepping into or acknowledging. You cannot see in someone else what you do not have inside you. The form in which they express it may be different, but the essence is the same. Comparison gives you clues about what you are truly longing for. Put on your Scientist hat and collect data on the person you envy. Bring that person to mind and complete these sentence stems by writing everything that comes to mind and without overthinking it:
When I look at you, I see…
I am jealous of …
I admire…
You create…
After you complete your writing, go back and take the other person’s name out and turn this positive projection on yourself: replace “you,” “yourself,” and “your” with “I,” “myself,” and “my.” We can only see in another what we have inside ourselves. You’ll realize that the things the other person has or does are also inside you, just expressed in a different way. As you investigate, you will see that what they are expressing or creating is something you are longing for as well. Now it is up to you to do it in your own way. As you stop investing your energy in envy, you will have the capacity to celebrate what you see in them and actually be inspired rather than feeling “less than.” Talent, creativity, and success are not limited resources — they are infinite!
EMILY’S STORY
If you work hard, you should expect success, right? But what if success doesn’t come fast enough? What if you’re burning the candle at both ends and still feel behind others? If only I had such and such like so-and-so has, then life would be perfect. My list went on and on, not only crowding my head and causing me to judge others who had “more,” but robbing me of the ability to see the abundance in my life already. I remember waking up each morning, and before I’d even gotten out of bed, I was already spinning in lack. This describes the first thirteen years of my career — it was brutal. And then something happened that was a huge turning point for me when it comes to Expectation Hangovers.
I was hurrying my kids out the door for school. We were running late that day, and I remember yelling at my five-year-old to put on his shoes. Then I yelled at my six-year-old to find his backpack. Then I yelled at both of them to get in the car. And as I slammed the door, jerked the gear into reverse, and turned around to pull out of the driveway, I noticed my oldest son silently crying. His face was red, and his body was clenched tight as he stared at the ground, tears streaming down his cheeks. Good God, what was I doing? In that moment a wave of guilt and shame crashed over me — and I lost it. I buried my face in my hands and had a good old-fashioned, red-eyed, runny-nose, can’t-catch-your-breath, u-g-l-y cry.
That was a few years ago — the tipping point of my journey into mindfulness — but I’d been studying enough to know the first step was to get honest about what was really going on. And it had nothing to do with missing backpacks.
It was the fact that I had allowed comparison and my disappointment about where I felt I didn’t measure up in my career bleed into every area of my life. Waking up to emails from amazing leaders doing cool stuff was triggering me to go into a dark place that affected how I treated my husband and sons.
And so the next step was to figure out what specifically I was jealous of. What exactly did these people have that I wanted? I sat with that question for months. I carved out a lot of thinking time. I journaled and made lists. And through the process of staying honest, digging deep, and being mindful, I had a tremendous breakthrough.
I thought I was jealous of marquee speaking engagements, bestselling status, and national media coverage. And while that’s all well and good, on closer inspection, the quality everyone I analyzed had in common was that they had each created a community around their message. It turns out I wasn’t seeking status; I was seeking connection. Once I woke up to the fact that it was my perception — not my circumstances — holding me back, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started seeking connection in my own way.
Today I’m still not a megabestselling author like the folks I compared myself to, but as I pulled out of the driveway this morning to take my boys to school, I looked at their smiling faces and realized I didn’t care anymore where I “should” be. I’m here now — creating a community of my own. And that is what matters most.
“I have an abundance mentality: When people are genuinely happy at the successes of others, the pie gets larger.”
— Stephen Covey
QUICK FIX 5: BE OF SERVICE
“Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.”
— Muhammad Ali
All expectations are created because we want something. Expectations will melt away the instant we switch our mind-set from “What can I get?” to “What can I give?” Adopting a service-oriented mind-set will replace potential Expectation Hangovers with a profound sense of fulfillment.
Serving people is different than pleasing people, which can be selfish. When we serve, we expect nothing. That said, serving is not selfless either because we are not giving to others at the expense of our own needs. Reclaim all the time and energy you have expended on being overresponsible or working to impress others and refocus it on serving others. Trust me, you will have an abundance from which to give, and you will be able to give without attachment or expectation.
“One of the most important lessons of my Expectation Hangover is that being consumed with myself makes it impossible to make an effective and positive impact on others. I want to be able to look back at my life and have peace that I did what I could to help and encourage others.”
— Tabitha
To be of service you do not have to drill wells in Africa or volunteer at a homeless shelter. I see so many people not serve because they think they need to do something grandiose. Service is not something you need to schedule in your calendar; it is a way of being rather than a to-do item. Matt serves by being committed to helping people feel they belong, and he will walk up to anyone alone at a party or networking event to make them feel welcome. Jenny serves by using the gift of her sense of humor to make her colleagues laugh in her high-stress investment firm. Jim serves his family by turning off his cell phone each night when he comes home so he is fully present with them. You can serve by opting out of gossiping, by paying people compliments, or by just listening to someone who is sharing with you rather than offering your own viewpoint. And of course, getting involved with a cause or organization is a wonderful way to shift your focus from “me” to “we.”
Set the intention each day to serve. Consider asking your Higher Power, “How would you like to use me today?”
People like Mother Teresa, Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr., the greatest geniuses of the world when it comes to social change, have made an impact because they worked from a service-oriented mind-set. They laid down their own expectations of life and became channels for a calling. Lay down your own expectations and the “me, myself, and I” mind-set. It’s time to open to the loving service mind-set of your beautiful soul.
To cultivate a service consciousness, write a short intention (or call it a prayer if that works for you) that captures how you intend to be of service. It does not have to be long or complex; just attune to your heart and consider how you are drawn to serve. Make this part of your daily ritual by reading or reciting it. What you put your intention toward expands. The more you look toward what you can give, the more you will receive.
QUICK FIX 6: BE A KID
“Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God.”
— Teilhard de Chardin
We take most things, including ourselves, far too seriously! As children, we are naturally playful, creative, and joyful. You didn’t have to remember to have fun. You could effortlessly express your emotions. When it came to making a decision, you didn’t have to know why or analyze; you chose with your heart. You did not agonize over the past or worry about the future, because you were fully in the present moment. As we grow up, we leave the freedom and beauty of the child behind. But don’t fret — he or she is still in there! The child is the embodiment of our most authentic self, freed from judgment, denial, and separation.
Make time for creativity, joy, and play as you did when you were a child. My friend Sam Bennett explains in her book Get It Done that we are all creative; we just may not all be artistic. Just because you are not drawn to things that are more traditionally thought of as creative, like painting, drawing, or composing music, does not mean you are not creative. Discover what feels creative to you that is an expression of your uniqueness. Creativity is a spiri
tual practice. It is how the Universe expresses itself through each of us. Yet we often put creativity on the back burner and do not give it the time and attention it deserves!
As you freely play and allow joy, the focus is no longer on who you expect to be or feel you are expected to be, which leaves room for you to explore and be who you truly are. You can stop looking for yourself in a therapist’s office, foreign country, relationship, or a pair of Jimmy Choos and rediscover yourself in your childlike expression.
And for Pete’s sake, find the comedy in your humanness! Laughter is divinely transforming. If an Expectation Hangover knocks at your door, greet it with a sense of humor. Think of the punch lines of great jokes — they tweak our perspective on something so we see it differently. Laugh at the unexpected. Find the humor in how attached you were to your plans when you thought you were the Master of the Universe.
As I write this chapter, it is two weeks before my first draft of the manuscript of this book is due. A few days ago I was racing around town attempting to get errands done because I was leaving town to speak for a week. My day was planned to the minute, and I was serious about getting my to-do list done. Between errand one and two I got in a car accident. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Unfortunately, it was my fault. So not only was I at risk of an Expectation Hangover because things did not go according to my plans, but it was also a perfect setup to be hard on myself for making a mistake.
Although I was not able to avert the accident, I was able to save myself from an Expectation Hangover by not taking the situation seriously. I was responsible and took action in terms of exchanging information with the other driver and reporting the accident to my insurance company. When I got home, I had a good laugh about the situation. How amusing that I had forgotten for a moment that I do not have complete control! And how liberating it felt to be able to have an undesirable situation occur without having to feel the undesirable symptoms of an Expectation Hangover. Granted, not all Expectation Hangovers are laughing matters, but a lot of them can be. Life is serious enough — when you can take yourself more lightly, do so.
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