Leaps of faith are alluring because we are leaping out of something that isn’t in alignment with our desires; however, when we are standing on the edge of a cliff facing uncertainty, it suddenly becomes petrifying. We hear inspirational stories of people who took great leaps of faith and (by the time we hear their story) landed somewhere with greater passion, purpose, and prosperity. This makes a great advertisement for leaping into the unknown but doesn’t tell the whole story. You may have expected that once you leaped, a fluffy white cloud would be there to catch you or you’d land softly on a beautiful ledge full of everything you want. If that happened, fantastic! But chances are you are in the unadvertised and rather scary part of taking a leap of faith: the free fall.
Every leap of faith comes with a free-fall period — expect it. The free fall can last for days, months, even years. Your ego will begin to panic and search for some kind of certainty to grab on to. A lot of fear may come up, and you may even question your choice to take the leap. So how can you avoid falling right into an Expectation Hangover?
First, know that a free-fall period is the time when faith is developed. Faith is not developed in times of certainty, but rather in the vast sea of the unknown. Many people confuse having faith with being right. For instance, if you take a leap of faith and everything goes according to your plan or dream, you think, “Whew, I was really right about taking that leap.” That is not faith; it is simply your ego feeling proud of itself. Faith is not based on results. Faith is being able to be totally at peace with what is and trusting the Universe even if the white cloud or ledge isn’t in sight.
Second, don’t look down. If you have ever been somewhere really high up, you probably felt a lot calmer if you didn’t look down. Imagining worst-case scenarios during a free fall is like looking down. A free fall is scary enough because you are spiraling through uncertainty; don’t make it worse with a lot of what-ifs followed by negative statements.
Finally, don’t look behind you. Regret is pointless. You made the choice and took the leap. Trust yourself. There is no turning back, and that is good news. Stay present. Look at what’s in front of you.
In order for any change to occur, there is a period of chaos. Chaos isn’t bad; it means things are changing. Taking a leap is a powerful action step out of disappointment. Even if you’re apprehensive, go for it. A free fall can be a beautiful time of expectation-free surrender. Stop questioning. Start accepting what is. Start enjoying the excitement of uncertainty. Start trusting. And start today. Take a leap of faith.
CONCLUSION
It is up to each one of us to change the world through the changes we make within ourselves. Each judgment that we forgive and each Expectation Hangover that we reframe as a loving, necessary lesson in our spiritual curriculum elevates our consciousness. We are all connected, so as we heal and transform, we are contributing to healing the planet. Imagine the profound impact your love has on the world. You do make a difference. By simply embodying light and love, you become a miracle worker. As you process your part of the pain, self-doubt, limiting beliefs, and separation that we all suffer as part of the human experience, you elevate the consciousness of the collective. Do not underestimate the power of your personal transformation freed of judgment. Moving forward with a learning-oriented approach to life, you awaken to true compassion and service. You are a Seeker. And you are absolutely Divine.
“As we become spiritually mature, we attune to our Soul nature. We participate. We see that the world is the screen upon which we project ourselves, so if we see flaws out there, we are the ones who need to change. And this change can only take place by discovering our true nature, the Divine within us.”
— John-Roger
Part Three
PREVENTION
Chapter Ten
MANAGING YOUR EXPECTATIONS
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.”
— Michael J. Fox
If you have walked through the doorway of transformation and celebrated the lessons learned from your Expectation Hangover, does that mean you will never be disappointed again? Most likely the answer is no. What it does mean is that you are now well equipped to decrease both the frequency of future Expectation Hangovers and the amount of time you spend in disappointment when they hit.
The treatment plan you learned in part 2 now becomes part of your prevention plan. Use role-playing Rx and the tools you learned to decrease the duration of any Expectation Hangover you face. Growth is a process, not an event. You can’t upgrade yourself the way you do your iPhone. If you find yourself slipping into old habits, reactions, or choices that you thought were behind you, that does not mean change is not occurring. You may take ten steps forward and then eight steps back. But the next time, you will take eleven steps forward and only seven steps back. The more you use your treatment plan, the less time you will spend in disappointment. Whatever you do, just keep going. The following illustration shows the way we sometimes think growth and personal development should occur and the way they really happen:
Your prevention plan is not about keeping Expectation Hangovers from ever happening again. If I promised you that, I’d be setting you up for another one. It is not realistic to expect to never be disappointed again — you are human, after all!
You can, however, manage your expectations. If you have unrealistic expectations, you will be disappointed more frequently. You have learned that you do not have complete control over everything that happens in your life and that nothing outside of you will fulfill you. Remember that we grow through struggle, so just when you settle into your comfort zone, unexpected disruption may be around the corner. Keep in mind that everyone else is working through their own curriculum and will do things that you may find upsetting. Manage your expectations by becoming more and more aware of when you are falling into the illusion of control or when/then thinking and when you are expecting too much.
“Adjusting my expectations of what a relationship can provide for me, and becoming more aware of how much I can actually provide for myself, have been key to avoiding disappointment. I no longer expect a romantic relationship to solve all my problems and make me feel whole. I accept much more accountability for my own happiness, and I am much more proactive about taking care of my own needs.”
— Dorothea
Please do not confuse having realistic expectations with lowering your standards, settling for “average,” accepting poor performance, or letting people walk all over you. Just make room for the variety of life, which includes bad days, bad moods, and unexpected curveballs.
“Life doesn’t always go as planned. One of the best ways to deal with this inevitability is to stop expecting it to be otherwise. So ease off your expectations a little and see how much nicer your life can be.”
— Richard Carlson
THE SECRET SAUCE FOR PURSUING GOALS
A client recently sent the following question to me after spending about a month treating her Expectation Hangover: “All right, I get that it’s not great for me to have expectations, but there are things that I want in life. I have dreams and desires. How do I pursue them and not set myself up for an Expectation Hangover? Am I not supposed to want things or have goals?” The answer lies in knowing the recipe to the secret sauce for pursuing goals without setting ourselves up for an Expectation Hangover.
There are four ways to pursue goals:
•With low involvement and low attachment
•With low involvement and high attachment
•With high involvement and high attachment
•With high involvement and low attachment
Involvement is the degree to which we proactively participate in the pursuit of our goals. Attachment is the degree to which our well-being, sense of worthiness, happiness, and peace of mind are dependent on reaching our goals. We create attachment whenever we become invested in a desired outcome, plan, or opinion. When we have any degree of attachm
ent, we have expectations. And when we have expectations, we can have — you guessed it — Expectation Hangovers.
A low involvement–low attachment approach means that we have a goal but are not doing much to make it happen, and it really is not something we are very emotionally invested in. In this scenario, we typically think we should do something but have a “why bother” approach and end up taking minimal steps, if any, toward our goal. Steve consistently felt he should work out but only went to the gym once a week. He was fairly apathetic about getting in shape, which resulted in an Expectation Hangover about letting himself down and not losing weight.
A low involvement–high attachment approach means we really, really want something to happen, and think life would be much better if we had it, but are not actively taking steps toward it. In both low involvement–low attachment and low involvement–high attachment, you see the world as happening to you and remain a victim of your circumstances. Lindsey believed that once she was in a relationship, she would break free of her romantic rut and low self-confidence, yet she refused to put herself on any online dating sites or pursue coaching on relationships. Her inaction resulted in an Expectation Hangover about not being married at the age she anticipated.
A high involvement–high attachment approach means we are passionate about a goal and actively taking steps to make it happen. We are very attached to the outcome, believing that once we attain it, we will experience something we are longing for. With this approach, you see the world as happening by you, and you believe you can control outcomes with enough effort. So you experience a sense of failure if an outcome fails to materialize. It is a level of overresponsibility that becomes exhausting, and potentially even devastating. Katrina was convinced she was supposed to be a famous actress. She took acting classes, went to auditions, and created poster boards with ideal scenes about her career. Being an actress mattered so much to her that every time she did not land a part, she had a painful Expectation Hangover that made her feel rejected and worthless. Katrina was only happy and confident when she got an acting part.
That leaves us with pursuing goals with high involvement and low attachment — the best recipe for going after what you want without setting yourself up for an Expectation Hangover. In this approach, you have a strong intention to cocreate (together with the Universe) things in your life that are in alignment with your values and goals, but you are not attached to the outcome. Your sense of worthiness, success, or happiness is not tied to whether or not particular things happen. And you remain open to things manifesting in forms different than you may have expected. By practicing high involvement–low attachment, you move into a perspective where you see things happening through you and surrender control, understanding that you are a cocreator with the Universe. You recognize that effort and commitment are important but that results are not completely up to you and do not dictate your overall well-being.
Tony’s experience illustrates high involvement–low attachment. He was inspired to start his own business. He hired me as a coach, enrolled in several business and entrepreneurial courses, moved to a less expensive apartment, and created a detailed business plan. He remained focused on his vision but in the meantime continued to find his happiness and worth inside himself. When he launched his first product and did not hit the expected numbers, Tony practiced nonattachment by not taking it personally or taking it to mean he had failed. Although he felt some disappointment, he was not devastated. He used Horseback Rider Rx to reframe it as a learning experience. He called upon the Scientist, to respond more proactively, which moved him toward his core values of confidence and courage.
Use the secret sauce of high involvement–low attachment so you live in “through me” consciousness. Wanting things is not wrong. You are worthy and deserving of your dreams. What sets you up for disappointment is not your desires, but your attachment to your expectations.
ADITI’S STORY
After getting to the other side of an Expectation Hangover about being laid off, I did my part in applying for jobs and preparing and showing up for interviews. But when I was not being hired, I began to see that perhaps I was not meant to go back to my previous field of work. Instead of being completely attached to finding a new job, I started doing things I truly enjoy and began paying more attention to where I was being led. Rather than fill up my entire calendar, I consciously created space and said yes to invitations I would have passed up in the past, like going to a zumba class! I found myself taking great interest in holistic health. I had never considered going into health coaching on my own; but the idea came to me, and I found some interested clients. I found that I made sure to continue taking action steps, but if things weren’t happening the way I hoped, I saw that life was perhaps taking me in a different direction. The more I was open to being led, the more synchronicity occurred.
Chapter Eleven
QUICK FIXES THAT WORK
“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.”
— Vince Lombardi
Up to now I have cautioned against quick fixes. However, there are things you can do that not only offer instant relief from Expectation Hangovers, but also prevent them from happening in the first place. You may be wondering, “Jeez, why didn’t you just tell me this in the first chapter?” Because you had to milk your disappointment first! Now that you’ve journeyed through your treatment plan and cleared out emotional clutter, rewired your mind, altered your behavior, and grown in consciousness, these quick fixes will actually work.
QUICK FIX 1: STOP PEOPLE-PLEASING
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life…. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”
— Steve Jobs
It is natural to want to fit in and not upset others, because it feels safer. The feeling of letting people down and perhaps contributing to their Expectation Hangovers is one we would rather avoid. All it takes is one small experience of feeling criticized or not liked, thinking we’ve upset someone, or getting tons of praise and validation for making others happy to develop people pleasing as a habit. We think that pleasing others prevents Expectation Hangovers, but it actually sets us up for more because we put the opinions and expectations of others above our own, making our self-worth and choices reliant on an external source.
People pleasing depletes your most valuable resources: time and energy. Just think how much energy you waste by obsessing about what other people think of you or strategizing your actions to appease others. I am all for being a considerate and generous person. And it feels wonderful to love others! But being and acting from love is not people pleasing. People pleasing is different because it involves an attachment to someone else’s reaction. And as you’ve learned, when there is attachment, there is a high risk of an Expectation Hangover.
“I gave myself permission to be normal and happy despite what others think. I always remember to focus instead on what I expect of me, which is to put my God-given talents to good use. As long as I’m proud of myself, that’s what matters, and that’s how I sleep well at night.”
— Jeannie
You may think being a people pleaser makes you a “good” person, but I am going to offer you a radical reframe of people pleasing: it’s selfish to be a people pleaser. Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about you. You want to be liked. You do not want to upset anyone. You want to look good for others. You are protecting yourself from confrontation. Furthermore, you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you truly are. And by doing all those things, you are keeping yourself, your light, and your love from the world — and that is selfish.
Stop being selfish and be self-honoring instead, by making choices that support your core values. Making choices based on how you will be perceived by others, how someone else will respond, or what you think you should do may violate your values. A sel
f-honoring choice is not selfish. You can be for yourself without being against anyone else. Selfish people usually aren’t concerned about whether their choices are selfish because they are too self-absorbed or self-centered to consider it. Just the fact that you are questioning being selfish is an indicator that you aren’t.
How people respond is their responsibility, not yours! I know this may sound crazy to you, but we really do not have the power to make anyone feel anything. You are only responsible for honestly communicating without going into blame, finger-pointing, ultimatums, or expectations.
“I have spent most of my life being the good girl and living up to society’s expectations, and it hasn’t brought me the happiness I want. It’s easier said than done, but now I am starting to ask myself what I want and not what other people think I should be or do.”
— Casey
Often the self-honoring choice is choosing not to make a decision. Just because a choice is put in front of you doesn’t mean you have to choose instantly. It’s self-honoring to say “I don’t know,” or “I need time to think about that,” or “Let me get back to you.” And often the most self-honoring choice is to say “No.” That’s a complete sentence. It’s not necessary to follow “No” with a justification or apology. You are not obligated to explain yourself. It’s enough to just say “No” if that’s your truth.
I encourage you to take a big step today toward preventing future Expectation Hangovers by filling in the blanks to this statement: “If I let go of caring what…think(s), I would…” I understand it may be scary, but what’s even scarier is making choices that violate your values, because it builds resentment. Your value does not come from the way others perceive you. Your life is not defined by the expectations of others. What other people think of you is none of your business.
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