by D. Breeze
Oh God
Oh God
Oh God
My Jamie, the ultimate love of my life...was my brother.
I threw up.
Chapter Fourteen
Denial
“IT IS NOT TRUE.” The booming voice broke the complete silence in the room and I jumped. Malcolm was pacing.
“It is not true. I have never even liked that woman, she’s crazy. Certifiably, lock-her-in-a-white-padded-cell, crazy. This just, it’s...it’s ludicrous.”
Everyone stared at him. Was it true? Was it not true? I still felt sick to my stomach, Cheryl was on her knees in front of me cleaning up my sick. Seriously, she was just told that her husband had an affair, and she was still playing the housewife? Everything was just so wrong.
I could hear my dad and...shoot. I could hear Gary and Malcolm arguing back and forth, but I was only focused on one thing. Jamie. I had to know the truth.
“D.N.A test” I declared, loudly.
“I do not need a damn D.N.A test, I know for certain you are not my daughter. It is not physically possible, I did not have sex with that woman, with your mother. Do you honestly think I would allow a relationship between the two of you if I had any inclination that you were my child?” He shuddered at the thought and I began to hold out a slight ray of hope that he was telling the truth. Even if I wasn’t my dad’s daughter – which makes no sense even to me – then I really really didn’t want to be Malcolm’s.
“I’ll do one, at least we’ll know for sure if I made the biggest mistake of my life walking away from you.” Gary said.
“I’ve actually already contacted a local company, I’ve booked and paid extra to have it done in twenty-four hours.” He looked at his watch. “That’s why I came so early, they said if we get there at seven am, it’s a possibility that we may even get the results the same day...” He looked at me, then at Jamie. “And I’m guessing that’s exactly what you’d need. So let’s leave now.” He stood.
I stood too, then realised no one else was moving.
“Are you not coming with me?” I asked Jamie, not even trying to conceal the need in my voice. He shook his head, opened his mouth, then closed it again without saying a word. He tried again.
“I-I...I can’t.” And he truly looked like he was fighting an internal battle. I guess he was right, if he really was my brother, he couldn’t be anything to me anymore.
Let’s face it, he knew, just as much as I did, that we couldn’t change our relationship. It was all, or nothing. I’d never think of him like a brother.
Even the thought of it made my stomach turn again, so I stared at him for an extra second, then left.
The car was silent. I sat stiffly in the seat next to Gary, and stared ahead. Malcolm sat in the back, huffing and sighing like he was being put out. I would have loved for him to think of someone else for a change. How could he not realise that we were dealing with my entire life?
I didn’t want to think anymore, it was making my head hurt and my heart ache. So much internal pain and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. Can you take an aspirin for a broken heart? I didn’t think so.
We exited the car and entered the building. Everything was white, clinical, sterile...I hated that too. As if I didn’t feel uncomfortable enough as it was, the place made me feel like a medical experiment. I guess I was really.
~*~*~*~*~
“Where do you want me to take you?” Gary asked after the test was done.
We were in and out within minutes. A swab of my cheek, done. Like it was nothing. Not at all like it was the most monumental moment of my entire life. Those doctors, they didn’t have the slightest clue exactly how important that little swab was. They never would.
Malcolm fled the clinic as soon as he was able to, I guess I didn’t really blame him.
I shrugged in answer to Gary’s question.
I didn’t know where he could take me. I didn’t have anywhere or anyone I could go to.
“Would you like me to take you for a breakfast somewhere?” I shrugged again.
It didn’t matter anymore. Nothing did. If I disappeared in the next second, who would really care? Would anyone even notice? Doubtful. There was no stopping them, the tears started to fall. In the next breath, I let out a loud sob and then I lost control.
My teeth dug into my lip, but that didn’t stem the flow of tears. My breathing was choppy and my fingers clenched. I turned my face away and rested my forehead on the window. My life, regardless of the short amount of time I’d actually had one, was over. Finished. Done.
There was no coming back from something like that, I was sure of it. The sobs continued to wrack my body, even though I couldn’t decide what I was crying about. Losing Jamie, my dad being back and possibly not even being my dad, my life being over, having no one to turn to...all of it, the whole sordid lot of it kept playing on repeat over and over in my mind.
How much could one girl really take?
~*~*~*~
We ate breakfast. I don’t remember tasting a single bite of it. I just ate. Gary tried to make idol conversation, asking about my life, how college is, what I’m studying. I should have been grateful that he was trying. I wasn’t.
I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to wallow in my own self-pity and then try and pretend that the last few hours had never happened. I wanted to drift off into a dream world where nothing this huge could ever come between me and the boy I loved; where I could smile freely, knowing that my life was good, it was happy and I did not have to brace myself, constantly, for the next thing that would come along and ruin my peace.. I’m not that lucky.
After listening to him talk for another fifteen minutes, idol crap that I had no interest in whatsoever. I stood up. My chair scraped along the floor and people turned to stare at me.
“I’m going to walk home. I don’t want you to contact me again until you have the results. I’ll give you my number.” I rattled off my number “But that is it. I will never forgive you for this, no matter what the results are. This could have been done years ago, instead you’ve come back now and delivered this blow to my life. I hate you.”
I walked out. He looked like he was going to argue but he must have known it just wasn’t his place to say anything. Good.
I walked, for what felt like hours. It probably was hours in all honesty. I didn’t go straight home because it didn’t really feel like I had a home anymore. Scratch that, I just didn’t have a home, I wasn’t sure I ever really had. I had a shelter, at best.
I found myself walking through the middle of the local park, I could hear the children laughing and parents chatting amongst each other. I wanted that. The family, the togetherness. At that moment, I didn’t even have the few scraps of family I’d previously thought.
I slumped down on a wooden bench and put my head in my hands. I couldn’t decide if I was truly broken, or if I was just numb, but I’d reached the point where I just felt...nothing.
I lost track of time as I sat there, it could have been days and I don’t think I’d have noticed. I tensed when someone sat down next to me but I didn’t look up.
I smelt smoke and I frowned, I didn’t know anyone who smoked. Glancing up, I saw a girl whom I knew I’d never seen before in my life. She looked about my age, maybe a few years older. She had jet black hair with pink flashes through it and she had two piercings in the side of her lip. She looked, well, intimidating I suppose.
“Want a smoke?” she asked, not looking at me. I shook my head. Why was she talking to me?
“You don’t talk much then, no?” She looked at me.
I bit my lip, I wasn’t good with other people. I shrugged again, but answered. “Not really.”
She nodded like she understood. “That’s cool. I’m the opposite, I talk too much. You’ve been sitting there for hours girl and you haven’t even looked up. Guess I thought, you might wanna talk about it.”
It was possibly the weirdest thing anyone had ever said to me.
Ha! No it wasn
’t, I’d just found out my boyfriend might be my brother. There it was. I’m pretty sure that was weirder. The memory felt like a kick to the stomach, I prayed that the D.N.A results would come back soon because the pain was almost physical.
“Why would I want to talk to a stranger?” I asked, bemused.
“I’m Abbi Royal. I’m nineteen, twenty in three weeks. I live with my mum, dad and my sister but I’m never actually at home so I guess I don’t really. I work in a call-centre selling alarm systems. Failed all my exams in school, never went to college. I smoke too much, I drink too much and I fall asleep on a different sofa most nights.”
I felt my eyebrows knit together...did I ask her about her life? I actually wasn’t sure.
“Rhianne.” I mumbled, I wasn’t going to share any other details about my life with her.
“Well?”
“Well what?” I’d lost my train of thought completely.
“Well, I’m not a stranger anymore. You know all there is to know about me. So come on, what’s got you looking like someone kicked you puppy?”
“I’m sorry, I just don’t feel comfortable talking about my life with you...just yet.”
“Fair enough. Wanna do something? Go get a drink?”
Was this girl for real?
I’d never even tasted alcohol before, but still. “Why would you want to go for a drink with someone you’ve just met?”
She lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug.
“How do you think one-night stands happen babe? Not that I’m coming on to you, because no offense, you’re gorgeous, but I just don’t bat for that team, you know? Anyway, don’t you remember ever making a new friend? People meet, they talk, they decide if they like each other and they become friends...or they don’t. Whatever. You honestly look like you could use a good drink.”
I couldn’t argue with what she’d said, but I still found the whole thing really odd.
“I don’t have enough money on me.” I answered honestly.
“So what? I’ll pay. Look, it’s like this, I’m gonna go drink, it’s not very fun to drink on my own so I figured you could come too. If you really don’t want to, then don’t.” She turned to walk away.
“Wait!” I jumped up from the bench. I could do it.
Catching up to her, I said, “You know this is kind of abnormal, right? Taking a random girl for a drink.”
She shrugged again, obviously it was habit of hers.
“Babe, I make enough money doing a job I hate and I don’t have any bills to pay. I spend my cash however I see fit. And right now, this seems like a good idea. You look like you need it, even more than I do and you didn’t look like a bitch...so I thought, fuck it. Ask me tomorrow when I wake up feeling like elephants are stomping through my brain and I’m sure I’ll give you another answer but for now, this is what I want to do. I mean, let’s face it anyway, normal is way too overrated.”
I wasn’t sure I agreed with that.
“Ok.”
~*~*~*~*~
I freaking loved Abbi!
After countless beers and a few ‘shots’ of something that she called ‘Sambuca’ (which was absolutely vile, by the way!), it was safe to say, I was hammered.
Earlier in the night, I’d told Abbi that I didn’t have I.D – I’d never needed one before – but she just told me not to worry about it. I didn’t know what she meant until we reached the bar. It was a run-down, shabby little place but she seemed to know everyone there and introduced me to all of them.
I think I met Sadie, Jack, Phil...and, well, it goes a bit blurry after that. They were all older than us though, I remember that.
I talked. A lot. I told her everything about me and she listened intently. At the end of my story she said, “Shit. That’s a whole load of fucked-up. You know what you need?...More shots!”
Simple.
She was right. Shots made everything better.
We drank more, we danced to old eighties music and I spent more time talking to strangers. It was the best night of my life. And again, she was right, it was exactly what I needed.
Stumbling our way out of the bar, I had no idea what the time was but it had to have been the early hours. She asked me where I lived and I told her I didn’t want to go home. I couldn’t bear to be anywhere near the place. So she took me back to one of her friend’s house.
“Hellooooo, Amy?” She shouted through the letter box. I couldn’t help it, I dissolved into giggles and she laughed right along with me. I slumped forward, leaning against the door to steady myself.
Who knew drinking could be so much fun?
I have no idea what happened. One minute I’m leaning against the door, next minute, I’m lying face first on the floor. I heard a cackle from behind me and I tried to push myself up. Someone helped me, I think.
I heard a sigh. “God damn it Abs! Do you have any idea what time it is? Who’s this?” I didn’t recognise the voice.
“This is Rhianne! She’s so cool, Amy! You’re going to love her! Probably not until the morning though!” And she cackled again.
My mind was too fuzzy to process anything. The carpet looked good, it seemed like a good idea to lie on it. Soft, soft carpet. I lay down again, right there, on the floor.
My final thought before I passed out, was that I hadn’t thought about any of the horrible things surrounding my life, in the whole time I’d been out with Abbi.
Not. Once.
Chapter Fifteen
Tragedy
They’re pale, really damn pale. They look like their whole world has crashed down around them. There is two of them. A man and a woman, and his arm is around her. There is a sense of injustice about the scene, the black cloud is back.
God damn. My head was so fuzzy I couldn’t think straight. I tried to focus.
I know who they are, but I can’t see their faces properly. Cheryl I think, and maybe Malcolm, but he doesn’t seem like the type to offer comfort.
Why would they be so shaken up? The remaining alcohol in my system was impairing my vision. There just wasn’t enough detail. I struggled to concentrate, then I lost it, the vision vanished as fast as it had appeared.
I groaned as I sat up. My head spun and I definitely understood what Abbi was talking about when she mentioned elephants stomping through her brain. Talking of Abbi, she was still snoring her head off lying on the sofa opposite me. I didn’t remember even getting to the sofa so I guessed Amy must have dragged me there. Poor woman, I hoped I didn’t do anything too embarrassing in front of her.
I scrambled around on the floor looking for my phone but then I remembered Abbi confiscating it and turning it off. She’d removed her jeans at some point so I grabbed them off the ground and rooted through the pockets. It probably was a slight invasion of privacy I suppose, but she had my phone!
Finding it, I turned it on and was shocked by the amount of missed calls and messages I had.
Twenty-nine missed calls.
Fifteen voicemail messages.
And eight text messages.
Dread. That’s all I felt. The alcohol might have helped, but it hadn’t prevented anything in the longterm. I still had to go through this day. I didn’t bother reading the texts or listening to the messages. I wrote my number down on a scrap of paper, placed it next to Abbi’s sleeping form and left. I really hoped she’d contact me. She was amazing. If not a little weird, but I’d lived with weird, and not the good kind.
~*~*~*~
It didn’t take me long to get back to my street, but I stopped outside my house. I couldn’t go in.
I stood there looking at it for a few moments, not thinking, just staring. Then I decided to go and sit by our tree in the field. God, even that couldn’t be considered ours anymore, nothing was.
I sat down at the base of the trunk, pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my arms on my knees. The ground was damp, but I was alone and that’s all that mattered.
“Where the fucking hell have you been all fucking night!” I s
crambled up and whirled around when I heard the shouting. Jamie stormed towards me looking wild, I took a step back. He didn’t stop until he was within touching distance of me and he pulled me straight into his arms.
What the...?
He squeezed me. Tight.
“Fucking hell. Everyone has been trying to find you! Don’t you ever do that again.”
I didn’t really understand why he was so bothered, I inhaled his scent instead. The smell of him always made my insides flutter.
I cringed and stepped back. I wasn’t allowed to have those thoughts anymore.
He frowned and reached for me again but I shook my head, him being so close to me just messed with my head.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
Was he out of his freaking mind?
“What’s wrong? Have you gone insane? You cannot touch me like that anymore! You can’t touch me at all! It’s...it’s icky!”
“Why?”
“Why?!” I screeched.
He had. He had completely and utterly gone insane.
“You’re my, urgh! You’re my brother! It’s disgusting, it’s vile and it makes me feel sick. You need to stay away from me.” I turned to run away before my tears fell.
I heard his footsteps behind me and tried to run faster, but he played sports, of course he was faster than me. He caught me by the hand but was gentle when he pulled me to a stop. He must have known that my arm was still sore from what my mother had done.
“Did you even read or listen to any of the messages I sent last night? Or Gary’s?” I shook my head. I hadn’t.
He looked to the sky, and then I heard the weirdest thing.
He laughed. Not even a chuckle, this was a full-on belly laugh. His body bounced with the motion and my head swam with confusion.
“Baby, oh God, you need to learn to check your phone. Gary called us at about nine last night asking if we’d seen you and that started the panic, but he said he had the results. He wasn’t going to tell us because he said you should know first, but I begged him. It was pathetic really, the way I was pleading, but I couldn’t cope with not knowing...” I held my breath. “Pretty girl...he is your dad. You are not related to me in any way, shape or form. Your mum lied.”