by D. Breeze
Oh...my...God.
Oh...my...God!
I couldn’t speak.
All that worry, the sick feeling that I’d been carrying around for over twenty-four hours, the tears, the pain...the gut-wrenching fear of my world falling apart...
For nothing.
She lied.
She freaking lied!
I hated her. Right in that moment, I hated her more than anything in my life. I despised the very thought of her.
Jamie didn’t waste any more time. He slammed his mouth down on mine and set about making up for the day we’d lost without each other. It was heaven.
“You taste like booze.”
I bit my lip. “Um, I may have, slightly, a little tiny bit...got absolutely wasted last night.”
He frowned, he knew I had never touched alcohol before. “Who with? Were you ok? Where did you sleep?”
“Can we talk about all this later? I promise you I was fine, I am fine, and I just want to go and get some more sleep, and a shower.”
He kissed me again, lightly, and nodded his head.
My Jamie, the love of my life...he was just that.
The love of my life.
My soulmate.
~*~*~*~*~
All the happiness I’d felt at finding out I could have Jamie back faded in an instant once I’d had an extra couple of hours sleep, it morphed into anger.
My dad had wasted nine years of my life, let me live through things that no child should have to live through, because he’d believed a lie. He could have had a D.N.A test years ago. He could have done it straight away. He was stupid, gullible, and I didn’t think I’d ever forgive him.
Jamie told me everyone was waiting in my house because they’d gone over to talk to my mother. I couldn’t even imagine what was going on in there. I grabbed Jamie’s hand, and ran towards the house.
~*~*~*~*~
Surreal. That’s the only way I could describe what I was watching. The whole thing was completely surreal. I’d seen it, I knew he was coming back, but with everything that had happened, I just couldn’t stomach him still being there.
Why when I was starting to fix my life all by myself, well, with Jamie by my side. Why did everything have to get blown to pieces?
Cheryl and Malcolm were standing against one wall, Harvey was sitting on the coffee table in the middle of the room, looking like he found the whole thing...amusing maybe? Who really ever knew with him?
I ignored my mother ranting on about nonsense and focused on Gary...Daddy. His words were bouncing around inside my head. They did not make me feel better, they made me angry. Just who did he think he was? The man sitting on our old, battered sofa – he wasn’t what I remembered. Oh he looked the same, no doubt about it, but the man I loved, the man who doted on me and made me feel safe and happy...no. That was not this man.
I didn’t realise how much I’d been clinging to Jamie like he was my lifeline until I felt his fingers against mine. He peeled my hands from around his arm, then laced our fingers together in a silent show of support. I loved him more in that moment than I ever thought possible. MY Jamie.
“Why are you still here?”
Gary blanched at my tone but I didn’t care. I was strong. I could stand-up for myself.
“Rhianne, please listen to me. I need you to understand, there’s more happening here than you’re aware of, and until I came back, I wasn’t aware of it either. I didn’t leave for no reason, I told you that! She said she was cheating on me and you were not my daughter. I know the truth now, obviously, but things were different at the time. ”
I interrupted him. “So? So, you thought she was a cheat...does that mean you abandon the only child you’ve ever had because she told you a lie?”
“She told me you weren’t mine.”
He was like a record stuck on repeat. I would never believe something like that just because someone else told me. I’d have to find out the truth for myself and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it that easily.
“Even if that is true, which now, I’m not even sure I believe. You were a coward. You could have found out the truth years ago!”
“I know Rhianne. You’re right. She lied, baby. I always did think there was something wrong with her, but I just...reacted. That’s what I mean when I say there’s more to this. I need you to give me the chance to explain everything. I love you so much. The years might have past, but that hasn’t changed. I thought about you all the time, every single day. You were never far from my thoughts and honestly I was just waiting for the right time...” I couldn’t listen any more. I cut him off.
“You coward! You stupid, stupid coward! You love me? You’ve thought about me every day? YOU screwed up my life! You just said it. You said you knew there was something wrong with her, yet you left me with her anyway? I’ve looked after myself for nearly ten years. I needed you then, I do not need you now. You should just...”
My mother jumped in. Apparently no one was getting to finish their sentences.
“You can’t take her! You can’t. I won’t let you. You’re dead. You are. He told me, promised me, you were dead. But you’re not dead, you’re there, I see you, in MY house!”
I shook my head. Mother’s ramblings were becoming out of control and her entire body was shaking. I almost wanted to comfort her, tell her everything would be ok. But I’m not a liar. Nothing would be ok, not for her anyway. With or without my ‘dad’ showing up again, we had a plan and I was going to stick to it.
“I’m moving out. Tomorrow.”
I even impressed myself with how strong my voice came out. Internally, I was a mess of nerves and fear. Nearly ten years I’d lived with nobody to rely on but myself and the thought of stepping outside my comfort zone filled me with trepidation. But for myself, for Jamie, I was going through with it.
“You are not! I’ll not allow it.”
“I’m eighteen! It’s not your decision anymore. I think...I think you need help mother, and I can’t give you that anymore.”
“I told you! I told you the people would come to get us. Look...” She pointed a frail, shaking finger at everyone else in the room. “I told you! I told you they’d come and they’re taking you away from me! They’re taking you away from Him and you’re letting them! How could you? After everything He’s done for you?”
“Mrs Shepard, I really think you should sit down. You don’t look so good. But Ree’s right. She’s moving out. We have a place to stay. It’s a nice place and it’s safe. I’ll take care of her I promise, I’d never let anything happen to her. Surely you know that?” I liked that he didn’t tell her how close we’d be living.
He glanced in my direction briefly and said, “You know that too don’t you babe? I promise, I’ll never let anything happen to you.”
I nodded. I did know.
If looks could kill, Jamie would have keeled over in a second. When she turned her scathing look to him, he visibly braced for her attack. My beautiful, amazing life-saver, he didn’t back down. He held her stare, confident that nothing could stop us anymore. My heart swelled even bigger at his show of defiance, he was everything I ever needed, and more.
“You...” She began, speaking through clenched teeth. “This is all your fault. You’ve corrupted her. She’s not yours. She doesn’t belong to you. She’s His! She’s always been His! I won’t let you take her away. I WON’T!”
I winced at the sound. She was so loud and out of control, I knew there was nothing more I could do but reassure her. She was still my mother after all. I stepped forward towards her. Jamie tightened his grip on my hand and tried to pull me back but I needed to do this. So I wiggled my fingers and let him go.
“Ree...” he began, but I put my hand up to stop him saying anymore.
I stepped right in front of my mother, looking her straight in the eyes, speaking in a placating tone. I made a vow.
“I promise you mother, I swear. Just because I’m moving out, doesn’t mean I’m being taken from yo
u. I’m not. I’ll still be there for you, but you need help. Real help, with professionals. You’re not well. I can’t help you anymore, I have to have my own life and if you think about it, deep, deep down, you know it’s true. I can’t live like this anymore and you shouldn’t make me.” I placed my hand over my heart. “I do love you, I do. So I’ll never desert you. I promise. But you have to go and get help, I’ll even go with you at first if that’s what you need. But please, please don’t fight me on this.”
I didn’t need her approval, I could have moved out without it seeing as I was legally an adult, but I needed her to understand. I really thought it would work.
Some would say it was delusional, but I prefer the term ‘hopeful’.
I was wrong. Staring into her eyes the whole time, I failed to notice anything else around me, until I heard Jamie gasp. Cheryl whispered ‘dear lord’ and I swung my eyes to her, only to notice that she was staring straight back at me. Her face was ashen and her hands were clenched in fear. Turning back to look at my mother, her eyes had changed. They didn’t look confused, frightened or tearful anymore. They were angry and determined.
Her left hand braced against the kitchen worktop, but she edged her right hand towards me and I took a step back. She held out a knife, blade tilted towards my chest but she was still shaking like a leaf. I felt the air in the room still and everyone waited with baited breath to see what she would do. I was frozen in place, I couldn’t have saved myself.
“This is how I’ll make Him happy, I’ll send you to Him. It’s what He needs, He tells me, all the time, everyday. He tells me He needs you. It’s always you, He just wants YOU. Well He can have you. Maybe then He’ll see that you’re nobody, you’re nothing. It’s all about me! He needs ME! If they take you, how will he ever understand? He’ll blame me, He’ll say it’s my fault that you left and we can’t have that now, can we? No we can’t. He deserves the best and He thinks you’re it. His precious girl.”
None of it made sense, I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about but I remembered watching a TV show before, they said ‘keep them talking’. So that’s what I tried to do. In the back of my mind, I was praying that someone would come up with a better plan in the meantime.
“Who are you talking about mother? Who needs me? I don’t really...I don’t understand.” I kept my voice as steady as I could. It was obvious to me by that point just how much I’d underestimated her. Jamie, Cheryl, even Harvey tried to tell me. None of it really meant anything to me until that moment. I guess I just had to learn it for myself.
“HIM, you idiot! This is what I mean! You’re so stupid. How could He possibly love you? How could anyone love you? You disgust me.”
I didn’t take my eyes off hers, but I could still see the knife edging closer to me, in my peripheral, as she appeared to be trying to strengthen her hold on it. The blade glistened in the light, but I tried my best to ignore it. I didn’t want to show my fear, I didn’t believe she’d really do anything with it, even then.
I think everyone in the room must have frozen because I couldn’t hear anything except my mother’s words and my own breathing. It was almost eerie.
“Him who? Please explain to me mother. You’re right, I’m stupid and I don’t understand.”
I wasn’t stupid, but I thought maybe if I agreed with her, she’s think I was on her side. But I wasn’t lying about not understanding. Nothing she was saying made any sense.
“GOD! He needs you. You belong to Him!”
“God needs me?”
“Yes! Finally you understand. He loves me, he does. But He doesn’t know how much because He hasn’t met you yet! I promised him, He could have you, his precious girl. He gave you to me, to raise, He said I was the one He chose to make sure you grew up properly. You did, didn’t you? You grew up properly! He’s going to be so proud of me and He’s going to love me forever.”
Oh gosh, it was so much worse than I thought.
“So now you have to go, you have to leave this world and let Him have you back. He needs you doesn’t he? He does, yes. This is what he would want.”
She straightened her shoulders, but what happened next seemed to last a lifetime. I took another step back, knowing that there was no talking her out of whatever she planned to do and my whole body tensed in fear. She turned the knife, once, in her hand and I closed my eyes. It was too late, no one would be able to save me now. I turned to make a run for it but she lunged at me with the knife.
I felt something hit me from the side and I crashed to the floor. I screamed out at the pain in my head as it cracked off the tiled ground.
Everything was fuzzy, my brain was shaken but I was sure I could hear shouting and screaming. I looked out across the floor, not really seeing anything. My eyes were too blurry.
“What the fuck have you done?!” Mr Travis’s panicked scream penetrated my haze and I immediately ran my hand along my chest and stomach to see where she’d stabbed me. No blood. I let out a shuddering breath. I couldn’t believe how close she’d come to stabbing me. My own mother.
I looked over at her and felt my eyes widen and she held the knife to her wrist. There was blood dripping off the blade but no one seemed to be going to help her. Why wasn’t anyone stopping her? I couldn’t seem to make my limbs move, so I had to watch in horror as she pressed the blade into her flesh and dragged it across her wrist. My stomach rolled, no child should have to watch that. Heck, no person should have to watch something like that. But looking up at her face, she was smiling. She looked almost blissful as the knife slid from her palm and clattered on the floor. She slumped down against the kitchen cupboards and closed her eyes.
“Call an ambulance! God, I hope they hurry, oh god, oh god.”
I rolled to my back and looked up at Cheryl thankful that someone was finally going to get help. Opening my mouth to reassure her that I was ok and someone needed to rescue my mother, I stopped and frowned when I realised she wasn’t looking at me. Following her line of vision, my whole world just...stopped.
The pain in my head disappeared, the blurriness vanished and nothing else seemed to register as I scrambled to my hands and knees and crawled across the floor.
“Jamie?...Jamie?... Oh god, Jamie please be ok, please be ok.”
I was begging, tears openly streaming down my face.
My Jamie, the only thing in this world that I could rely on, was lying on his side, clutching his stomach, blood oozing from between his fingers. Someone was trying to push me out the way but I clung to his other hand, begging him to be ok. He couldn’t leave me, he just couldn’t. I wouldn’t be anything or anyone without him. He was my entire world. I’d had twenty-four hours practise at being without him and nothing was worth that pain again.
His eyes were open, but they were glassy and unfocused. He looked directly at me and it seemed like he was trying to say something so I moved even closer, placed my hands on either side of his face and asked him what he needed.
“P-promised...n-never l-l-let any-t-thing happen t-to y-you.”
“Don’t talk babe. You wouldn’t, You’d never let anything happen to me, I know that. I love you so much, please be ok. Please don’t let go, I need you. You’re my air. You’re going to be ok, I just know it.”
I kept reassuring him but he wasn’t looking at me anymore. His eyes had closed but his face was still a mask of agony. I vaguely heard people sobbing and shouting, and someone opened the door, but none of it registered. I had to hold on to him, I couldn’t let him go. He’d survive for me, I knew he would, he HAD to.
I was jostled to the side and he was wrenched from my grasp by two paramedics. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him, I fought against whoever was holding me, I needed to be with him.
“Calm down Rhianne, calm down. You have to let the paramedics do their job now.”
I couldn’t calm down. Did they not understand that he was my air? I needed him to breathe. No one would let me near him. I just had to hold on to him. He promised m
e, he’d never let go of me, and I had to do the same. I just had to!
I screamed, kicked out and I’m pretty sure I bit someone, but I just couldn’t get free. I wasn’t listening to anyone talking around me. Why weren’t they moving him? Why wasn’t he already in the ambulance? Why, god damn it, wasn’t anyone letting me touch him?!
I knew I was hysterical, but I couldn’t breathe, it was like they were holding me there, not allowing to do anything, keeping me away from the one thing, the one person who could calm me down. I just didn’t understand! Why weren’t they listening to me?
I was speaking...I think. Or shouting or screaming, possibly. Maybe I was just making incomprehensible noises, but they just had to listen to me. I think my ‘dad’ was speaking, I could hear murmurs in the background but it was hard to make out what was being said considering someone was still screaming. Why wouldn’t they shut up?
I felt a strong set of arms wrap around me and I fought harder. I wished they would just get off me! I clawed at the arms as I watched Jamie disappear on a stretcher. The edges of my vision blurred and I sucked in huge gasps of air, feeling like the whole world was crumbling down around me.
I felt the arms around me loosen and I tried to make a run for it, but I didn’t make it more than a few steps before I saw the blue flashing lights of the ambulance pull away from my house. That was it – I couldn’t take anymore, I gave in to the darkness beckoning me.
Chapter sixteen
Change
Incessant beeping and hushed whispers interrupted my peaceful sleep.
They say that before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Apparently, watching the life drain out of someone that holds your heart, causes exactly the same reaction.
Caught somewhere between conscious and unconscious, I found myself watching my life, watching things I had never even noticed before. It’s amazing how things can be seen from a whole different perspective if you give yourself time to pay attention.
How could I not have known that he’d noticed me?