by Ira Trivedi
‘Do you wanna?’ he whispered in my ear softly but with his groin pressed firmly against mine, indicating what must have been giving him a really hard time.
I knew what he meant, but I didn’t know what to say to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him the truth that I was a virgin. Obviously he expected me to already have done it—probably lots of it. In the States everyone seemed to have had sex before they came to college, and they had lots of it while at college. Only a handful of girls (mostly the pre-med variety) were virgins. I had kissed boys and fooled around a little bit, but I was embarrassingly green when it came to more. It’s not that I wasn’t open to it, I was increasingly curious and experimental, its just that I hadn’t come across the right guy or moment … maybe until now.
I lay there in silence, my heartbeat deafening my thoughts. He kissed me on my forehead. ‘It’s all right,’ he said softly, taking my silence as a no. He continued caressing me but I could feel his desire (and other parts) receding. Soon he stopped and just lay there holding me, his body very close to mine. I’m not sure how long we lay there but I could feel his breath on my skin and the soft rise and fall of his chest as he drifted into sleep.
Everything had happened so quickly, it seemed like just minutes ago that I was in the office cranking on an Excel file and now here I was, in bed with him.
I waited till he was fast asleep and I quietly slipped myself out from underneath him. I didn’t want to wake up next to him in the morning, simply because I wouldn’t know what to say to him. When my eyes got used to the darkness, I gathered my clothes which lay strewn beside the bed, everything save my underwear, which I couldn’t find and didn’t even bother looking for. I tiptoed my way to the living room, the floorboards creaking. He rolled over once, groaning softly in his sleep, thankfully without awakening.
Twenty minutes later I was back in my own bed. For the first time this summer, I was home after Martha who lay underneath her pink chequered Ralph Lauren sheets. My bed seemed small, hard and uncomfortable compared to his … but it was mine and it felt right to be here. I was too sleepy to really think about all that had transpired. Too many thoughts were running through my head, but I just let them be for now. Exhausted, I fell into a deep dreamless sleep.
The Morning After
I tried to focus on the Excel sheet that I was staring at, but it was no use. Scenes from the previous night floated amidst the cells and the rows of the sheet and the taste of his mouth filled mine. No matter what I did I couldn’t stop thinking of Jonathan.
Last night had been extremely inappropriate on so many levels. He was the VP, I was the intern; he was white, I was Indian; he was thirty-two, I was twenty. We had next to nothing in common. I was utterly confused. I wondered if he felt the same way about me. I hadn’t heard anything from him this morning—no phone call, no email, no SMS. I told myself that it wasn’t such a big deal, he was a really busy guy, but the truth was I was hurt that he hadn’t tried getting in touch with me. At the very least he could have sent me a quick email. Had the evening been so insignificant for him?
‘Riya,’ a stern voice jolted me from my musing. Sally.
‘Uh … yes?’ I said looking up from the screen.
She stood by my desk, her arms crossed over her chest, an angry look on her face. ‘Where is that S&P document that I had asked for last night?
‘I … I think, um … let me just check.’ I scuffled through the pile of papers on my desk and pulled out a bound document that Sally had given me with a set of pitch books.
‘Yes, my dear, I have that too,’ she said pointing at the book. ‘Where is the edited version?’
‘Edits?’ I said confused.
‘If you had bothered to open that document you would have seen that there were edits to be done,’ she spoke very slowly and softly. It was far more terrifying than having her yell at me. ‘Obviously, you didn’t bother doing that.’ She snatched the book from my hand, spun around and walked over to Kurls’s desk and tapped him on the shoulders. ‘Ker-Lih, will you please make some changes on this, and email it to me right away.’
‘Certainly, Sally. I’ll do it right away,’ he said calmly.
All I could do was gape at Sally with my mouth open, fuming in anger and embarrassment for a few seconds. How the hell was I supposed to respond to such churlish behaviour? I took a few deep calming breaths and thought about it carefully. In view of the offer which was a little less than two weeks away, the smart, rational thing to do would be to apologize to the bitch. Just a few more weeks and then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this crap anyways. I walked over to her cubicle, where she was staring into the computer screen as usual.
‘Sally?’
She glanced at me with disdain, the way a human being looks at a cockroach, didn’t say anything, but continued to work.
‘I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about the S&P doc, I just didn’t realize that I had to make the edits. It won’t happen again.’
There was an awkward silence for a few minutes while she tapped on the keyboard. Just when I was about to give up and return to my desk, she spoke in a stony voice.
‘Anything else?’
I continued with hesitation, ‘I … I just wanted to let you know that I really like working in this group and the product. I have learnt so much this summer. I would really like to come back here full-time.’
She turned to look at me at that. ‘Riya, your performance has been sub-standard at best, and I am sure you are aware of the sub-prime issues that we are facing. CDOs are one of the most affected groups. At this point in time I’m not sure how many offers we are looking to make, so understandably I can’t make any promises.’
‘Of course,’ I said quietly. I stood there for a few seconds, feeling numb.
‘Anything else?’
‘Um, no actually.’
‘Good,’ she said and went back to the Excel file on her screen.
I didn’t feel like going back to my desk just yet, so I headed outside. A walk around the block would help clear my head. In some ways the conversation with Sally wasn’t as terrible as I had thought it would be. At least she hadn’t said I was completely useless, and that there was no way I was getting an offer. By her standards she had actually been kind. True, she had said my work was sub-standard, but that didn’t mean much. She used that word all the time. From what I had understood, the problem was this sub-prime crisis and as a result offers would be limited. Neither Sally nor I could do much about that at this point in time. I pulled out my BlackBerry and dialled Ivana’s number. Maybe a chat with her would make me feel better.
‘Ivana,’ said a tired voice.
‘Hey, it’s me, Riya.’
‘Oh! Hey babe, what’s up?’
‘Just some stupid Excel stuff. The usual. How are you feeling? I thought I would check up on you.’
‘I’m all right,’ she said softly.
‘You sure? You don’t sound it.’
‘I’m fine.’
‘Have you had your ‘offer conversation’ with your boss yet?’
‘We discussed it briefly.’
‘And …?’
‘I hope it all works out.’
‘I’m sure it will.’
‘I just wish … I wish it was all simpler,’ she said in a whisper.
‘Sweetie, it’ll be fine,’ I told her, trying to inject a confidence I didn’t quite feel in my voice.
‘Yeah, I hope so. My mom is going through a bit of a tough time and Boris is going to start college next year, it’s really important that I get this job.’
‘Well, you’re better off than I am. My boss told me something about sub-prime mortgages and how our group may not need more people …’
‘What about the VP? Can’t he do something?’
‘Ugh, I don’t know. I doubt it.’
‘Why not? Just ask him,’ she said in a matter-of-fact tone.
‘It’s not that easy. Forget it. I could use some fresh air, let’s go get so
me coffee at Cafe Metro.’
‘Hmmm … I …’ she said hesitantly.
‘Come on, I haven’t seen you in ages!’
‘Oh, all right, let’s grab a quick one.’
‘Great. I’ll see you downstairs.’
The conversation with Ivana made me think. Was it really all that simple? Could I ask Jonathan for help with my offer situation? I didn’t want him to think I was using him to get a job. I really liked him and didn’t want to screw things up between us, but it was important for me to get this offer. At this point it didn’t look promising. I dreaded thinking about what would happen to me if I didn’t get the offer. No investment bank would want to hire me. I could probably get a job in operations, though even that was unlikely. I would have two options. Return to India, the thought of which made me sick to the stomach, or, if I wanted to stay in the Us, marry some loser guy like Gag-me-Mohanty, and settle down in a smelly New Jersey suburb with lots of Indian families and cook Indian food and … Oh my God, it was just all so depressing, I couldn’t bear thinking about it.
There was Sachin’s proposition, but that was stuck until I managed to find a way to get access to those files, which at this point seemed unlikely. I felt helpless. All I could really do was hope and pray that there was a God, or someone out there who would take pity on me.
Ivana looked pale and tired, her usually perfect hair was tied back in a messy ponytail. She was wearing a beige skirt that was far tighter than it should have been and a wrinkled silk shirt. I gave her a hug.
‘You look really tired, Ivana,’ I said with concern, noticing the dark circles underneath her eyes. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I haven’t been sleeping well, there’s a lot on my mind.’ She reached into the large tote bag that she was carrying on her shoulder and took out a bottle of pills. ‘None of this bullshit is working,’ she said with exasperation and threw the container on to the street, almost hitting a cab.
I halted and took hold of her arm. ‘Listen, Ivana, what’s going on? This is getting out of control, and I’m worried about you. You have got to relax.’
Her chin quivered and, suddenly, she began sobbing. She looked at me with sad, scared eyes and said in a shaky voice, ‘I don’t know what’s happening.’
I hugged her and held her for a few seconds, stroking her back and comforting her. That was when I saw faint red marks on her neck, still visible beneath the concealer that she had applied.
‘Ivana! Are those hickeys?’ I exclaimed in surprise, and moved closer to take a careful look.
‘Um …’ she said with a sob.
‘What?’ I asked her, a bit confused since she hadn’t said anything about hooking up with anyone recently.
‘I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I just can’t take it anymore.’
‘Tell me what?’ I asked, confused.
‘Riya, I’m sleeping with my MD.’
Her announcement robbed me of my ability to speak. I felt an unsettling feeling of shock, worry and, more than anything else, disbelief.
‘It started about a month ago.’ Ivana had regained her composure and spoke in a completely controlled, emotionless tone. ‘The group had gone out for drinks. The MD and I had talked a lot that night, staying in the bar even after most of the others had left. It was pretty late by the time we were done. We shared a cab home. His place came first and he asked if I wanted to go up for a drink. I was flattered; he is the big guy in my group. I went up and we ended up drinking an entire bottle of vodka together. We hooked up … we didn’t have sex, but you know close enough.’ She paused, perhaps expecting me to say something, but I just nodded, at a loss for words. ‘After that he started calling me up to his office for chats. In the beginning he seemed genuinely interested in the deals that I was working on. I thought he was really nice. He asked me to join him for a drink after work. I went. What would I tell him? That I had work to do? He started calling me in to his office more often, usually pretty late. I would go over even though it made me very uncomfortable.’ Ivana winced, ‘He’d tell me to give him blowjobs, and to sit on his lap and …’
‘God, Ivana, why didn’t you just go to HR?’
‘Are you crazy? I wouldn’t have gotten an offer then. They don’t want interns to cause any trouble.’ She went on, ‘He took me out for drinks a couple of weeks ago, and I got pretty smashed. We went back to his place and we had sex.’
For some reason I thought of Jonathan. It was so different with him, he wasn’t scummy like that. I gave her a gentle hug. She was shaking, but she didn’t cry.
‘He’s married. For him it’s about the sex, for me it is about the offer. I know the situation is out of control but I can’t stop now. Once I get my offer, I’ll just ask for another group when I come in full-time. I’ll never have to see the asshole again.’
‘Ivana, it can end now! This is sexual harassment! Just go to freaking HR, and report the bastard’
‘Are you out of your mind? I won’t get an offer then. I told you, they don’t want troublemakers.’
‘That’s not true, they’ll fire this sleazebag and you’ll still get an offer.’
‘Riya,’ she said in a tired voice, ‘that’s not how it works in the real world. He makes a ton of cash for the firm, he’s an important guy, I’m just a stupid Intern, there are thousands of us floating around. God! I just want this terrible, terrible summer to be over.’
I was very disturbed by what Ivana had told me. Even though I hadn’t known her for very long, she had become a close friend and I cared about her. I felt even worse because there was nothing I could do to help her.
I checked my BlackBerry as I walked back to my desk, hoping I didn’t have anything from Sally. I was pleasantly surprised to see an email from Gautam.
Hi Riya,
Hope all is well in Bankerdom. If you’re free this evening, let’s catch up for some desi khana-shana?
Regards, Gautam
Some butter chicken and naan topped off with some extra-sweet gulab jamun seemed like the perfect antidote to the day I was having. Just the thought of it lifted my depressed spirits.
Sure! Sounds like a plan. I have to be in the office till about 10.
Of course … leaving before that is banking sin. Will see you outside your building at 10.05 ☺
Gautam
I noticed him as soon I stepped out; he stood out in his jeans and sneakers amongst the suited bankers.
‘Hey,’ he said with an infectious smile, and I smiled back at him, despite my crappy mood.
‘Hey, how are you?’
‘Always good! Wanna hop into a cab and head to the restaurant?’
‘Sure.’
He flagged a taxi, and gave directions to go downtown to Soho. We made small talk in the cab and he cracked funny jokes that made me laugh and took my mind off the Ivana situation. We reached the restaurant, a cosy, tastefully done Indian-fusion establishment called Veda. The staff seemed to know Gautam by name and gave us a nice table, away from the busy centre.
‘How’s I-wanking coming along?’ he asked me with a grin after we had ordered the food.
‘Not much has changed since the last time I saw you.’
’You guys are almost done, right?’
‘Two weeks,’ I said glumly.
‘Wow, and then back here next year?’
‘If I get an offer.’
‘Of course you will. All interns do.’
‘Liar! I read your article! You said that it is going to be a difficult year for hiring.’
‘Yeah,’ he shrugged, ‘but it’s different for you, you’re an intern. A full-time job is your right. You wouldn’t have been here if they didn’t want you. You’ve already done seventy-five per cent of the work by just being here.’
‘Yeah right,’ I said feeling blue just thinking about this situation.
‘Trust me, you’ll get an offer. Unless you’ve seriously fucked up.’ He asked me mischievously, ‘Have you fucked up, lady? Like drop goop all over fresh pitc
h books, or delete entire pitch books from the computer? That stuff gets you the boot.’
‘No!’ I exclaimed. ‘I just don’t think I made any significant contributions, that’s all.’
‘That’s fine. Interns aren’t meant to contribute. They’re meant to photocopy,’ he said with a laugh. ‘You’ll get an offer all right, but the bigger question is will you take it when you do.’
‘I know I won’t get an offer, and if I do, of course I’ll take it.’
‘Why? From what I remember the last time we talked, you said you weren’t sure banking was for you.’
‘I’m not sure that it is, but I don’t really know what else I would do.’
‘Why don’t you use this time to figure that out?’
‘The money in banking doesn’t hurt,’ I argued.