by TJ Thomas
“I could say the same. When you’re gardening and you’re covered from head to toe to protect your skin from the sun, you’re as sexy as you were in that bikini yesterday.”
Dawn laughed. “Thanks, by the way, for reapplying that sun block so often.”
“My pleasure.” Cam’s smile reached her eyes this time.
“Cameron.”
Cam and Dawn turned to the nurse who had entered the waiting room unnoticed by either of them. Dawn stood with Cam this time and held her hand on the way in.
The mammogram itself was uncomfortable but relatively painless. Cam appreciated that Dawn kept up a steady stream of dialogue with her and the technician. Once the images were taken, Cam and Dawn were ushered into another exam room where Cam was instructed to lie on the exam table and another technician would be in shortly for the ultrasound.
Alone again with Cam, Dawn said, “The doctor seems to have ordered the whole gamut of tests.”
Cam caught the hint of apprehension in Dawn’s voice. “It doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. I’m sure she just wants to have as much information as possible before giving me her opinion.”
“I’m sure you’re right.” Nevertheless, Dawn moved closer and clasped Cam’s hand in her own.
*****
An hour later, Dawn and Cam sat at a table in Snooze, one of their favorite places for breakfast in Hillcrest. The smell of coffee, cinnamon, and maple syrup hung heavy in the air. The clatter of flatware and murmured conversations filled their ears. “This feels a bit surreal,” Dawn said.
“I know. Once we left the radiology building, it’s just felt like a normal day. But it’s not.”
Dawn reached over and put her hand on Cam’s. “It’s not, but whatever happens, we’re in this together.”
Cam turned her hand up and Dawn’s fingers easily entwined with hers. “Dawn, I would understand if this is too much. I wouldn’t blame you if you walked away.”
Dawn remembered where she was just in time to modify her tone from the angry outrage she’d been about to unleash. “Don’t ever say that to me again. Don’t dismiss me. Do you really think so little of me, of us? What the hell, Cam?”
Cam shrugged and looked at their hands still linked on the table. “You have a choice.”
“I already made my choice. I chose you. I will continue to choose you for as long as you want me. So if this is too hard for you and you don’t want me around then you need to tell me that now. If you don’t want me, that is the one and only reason I would leave, now or ever.”
Cam studied Dawn. She saw only resolve, no hint of doubt in her beautiful features. “I want you. I will want you forever.”
Dawn squeezed the hand she still held. “Well, that’s good then. This should work out fine. I’m glad we had this little chat.”
Cam chuckled in relief. “I love you.”
Dawn’s eyes softened and her lips twitched upward. “I love you too, you crazy woman.”
After their breakfast arrived, Dawn asked, “So, what are the next steps?”
Cam thought for a minute. “Well, sometimes the scans make it clear there’s nothing to worry about. But if the doctor can’t tell with certainty nothing is wrong, she’ll want to do a biopsy.”
“How soon will we know?”
Cam’s phone, sitting on the table, trilled at that exact moment. They studied it warily. Finally, Cam picked it up and her eyes locked on Dawn’s, her face draining of color as the conversation progressed. “Hello…Yes…Okay…I can make that work…Thank you…See you then…Bye.” Cam hung up the phone. “I’m scheduled for a biopsy tomorrow morning.”
Before Dawn said anything, she grabbed some bills from her wallet and threw them on the table. Then she stood and held her hand out to Cam. “Let’s get out of here.”
Cam took Dawn’s hand and let herself be led outside. Dawn steered them down the street, toward the car. “Tell me.”
Cam cleared her throat. “The scans aren’t clear and she wants to get answers as quickly as possible. If it’s malignant she wants to set a treatment plan and start right away.”
“Okay, that’s what she’s said from the beginning, right? Nothing new, this is just the next step. What time do we need to be at the hospital in the morning?”
“Five.”
“Okay.” Dawn gripped Cam’s hand tightly in hers as the park came into view. “Are you still planning to go in to work today?”
Cam stared off into the distance. “Yeah, I should. I’ll have to take the rest of the week off or at least work from home the couple days after surgery. I need to go in and arrange that. Plus if I keep busy there, maybe I can keep my mind off this for a little while.”
“Makes sense. Let’s head back to the car so you can drop me off at the house before you head in.”
“Sure.”
*****
Cam was still in a daze. She had hoped the scans would reveal the lump was something inconsequential. Now she had to have a biopsy. Tomorrow. Everything was happening so fast. The only thing keeping her going was Dawn. She was steady. She was scared too, Cam could see it. But she was also certain Dawn would see this through to the end, whichever way it went. That was a comfort even if she felt selfish for needing it. After making the arrangements she needed to at work, Cam closed herself in her office and tried to get her desk cleared off.
Her desire to be productive kept being interrupted by memories of Mel and her fight with cancer. It was an insidious disease. Mel had been young and healthy before her diagnosis. What were her own odds? She reflected on what Dawn had said at breakfast, and while she appreciated it, she still felt selfish that she might put her through the same thing she herself had lived through with Melanie.
She loved Dawn. That was fact. She loved her differently than she’d loved Melanie. Perhaps even deeper because of the experience she’d gained in the years with her. She would never minimize what she’d shared with Mel, and she didn’t believe Dawn would ever ask her to. Fortunately, Dawn was with her, she loved her, and no matter what happened after tomorrow, Cam could never be sorry for that.
Chapter Twenty-four
Dawn was in Cam’s kitchen making sandwiches. She had insisted Cam stay in the living room. A rare summer storm raged outside. Cam lounged on the sofa with her feet up watching a baseball game. The San Diego Padres were playing the Mariners in Seattle where ironically the weather was beautifully clear. Jack and Mozz dozed on the floor by her side. “Do you want mayo or mustard?” Dawn asked from the kitchen.
“On ham? Mustard. Always mustard.”
“Coming right up.”
Dawn didn’t know how Cam looked so sexy sitting in shorts and a T-shirt watching TV. She tamped down her rising arousal. Cam was in no condition for either of them to even consider the idea of close contact. She’d just had a biopsy two days ago and was still extremely tender at the incision site, but that didn’t stop Dawn from looking and imagining what it would be like when she was finally able to get Cam in her arms again.
“Here you go,” she said handing Cam a plate with a ham and cheese sandwich and wavy potato chips.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Dawn set down a glass of water on the table behind the couch, easy for Cam to reach when she needed it. Then she returned to the kitchen for her own plate before heading to the chair next to the couch.
“Sit with me,” Cam said, pulling her feet towards her so Dawn had room at the end of the couch.
Dawn sat crossed-legged on the couch facing Cam and bit into her sandwich. Cam hadn’t yet tried the sandwich. “Is everything okay? Do you need something else?”
“I need you.”
“Well, I need you too, but for right now you have to settle for the sandwich. I am not going to touch you while you’re in pain.”
“We can be careful.”
Dawn threw her head back and laughed. “There is absolutely no way, especially based on previous experience, you can guarantee that we would be abl
e to manage to go slow or take it easy. I’m not going to risk you pulling out your stitches and delaying what we both want any longer than necessary.”
When Cam only stared back at Dawn with desire in her eyes, Dawn turned her body so she was facing the TV. “Stop looking at me like that and eat your sandwich. If you’re good, after we eat we can try to cuddle if it doesn’t hurt you, but you have to promise to be honest about that.”
“Okay. If that’s all that’s on the table, I’ll take it.” Finally, she bit into her sandwich and turned her attention back to the game.
*****
A couple of hours later, the Padres were losing badly to the Mariners and Cam was flipping through channels trying to find something more entertaining to watch. Dawn sat at the end of the couch again, only this time she held her sketch book and studied Cam before putting her pencil to paper. When Cam’s phone rang, she stiffened perceptibly and turned to Dawn with dread. Dawn put down her pad and scooted closer to Cam who muted the TV. Dawn took Cam’s hand as she answered. “Hello…Yes…Hi, Doctor…I understand,” Cam said flatly.
Dawn could not hear what the doctor was saying. She could only watch Cam’s face, and she wasn’t giving anything away.
“I do, I understand…Thank you…I will…Bye.” Cam hung up and put the phone carefully down on the end table. Then she turned to Dawn.
She squeezed Cam’s hand. She wouldn’t back down from whatever needed to be faced.
Cam’s face lit up with a huge grin that reached her eyes. “It’s benign.”
Dawn had never heard sweeter words. “She’s sure?”
“One hundred percent positive, she said.”
“Oh, Cam!”
“She wants me to start getting annual mammograms, but otherwise I’m clear.”
“Thank God. That’s such a relief. We should let everyone know.”
“We will, in a few minutes. First, I think I need a hug. It hasn’t quite sunk in and I need some time.”
Dawn laid her head on Cam’s shoulder, wrapped her arms around her, and held on tightly. “I’m sure it won’t for a while.”
*****
A few days later, Dawn finished prepping the last ingredient. She checked the time. It took longer than she expected, but she had been careful to make sure she did it right. She cleaned her knife and everything else she could, all the ingredients were set out on the counter waiting to be put together. She and Cindy had met several times and made a number of dishes, but Dawn decided sticking with spaghetti for this first venture on her own was the safest bet.
After the kitchen was back in order, she made sure to set the alarm so she wouldn’t forget to put dinner together before Cam left work. Then she went into the studio to finish her second surprise for Cam and started putting things in order. The plan was already fully formed. She simply needed to implement it.
When the alarm went off several hours later, she gave everything one last look, making sure everything was set and went back into the kitchen. She turned down the sauce. It smelled wonderful. She pulled out a small spoon and sampled, it tasted as great as it smelled. She’d followed Cindy’s instructions exactly. She cleaned up as much as she could and went into the bedroom to change.
Dawn’s phone rang just as she finished changing. She glanced at the screen. “Hi, honey, how was your day?”
“My day was good. Yours?” Cam said.
“Fun actually. Are you headed home?”
“Yes, have you thought about what you want to do for dinner?”
“Hmmm, some. Just come on over after you feed the boys. Okay?”
“Okay. See you soon.”
Dawn hung up and took a deep breath. Show time. She opened the bottle of red wine and poured two glasses.
By the time Cam pulled into the driveway next door, Dawn was nervous. She wanted this to be a special night. The sight of Cam calmed her. Being with Cam was special all by itself. She took another calming breath and lit the candles on the table.
Dawn turned with a wine glass in hand when she heard Cam’s knock on the back door. She smiled when Cam stepped into the kitchen. “Hi.” She handed Cam the glass of wine.
“Thank you. What’s all this? It smells delicious.”
“I wanted to surprise you.”
Cam moved to Dawn. “You succeeded.” She leaned down for a long, slow kiss. “Hmm, I’ve thought about that all day.”
“Me too.”
“You don’t cook,” Cam said apprehensively.
“Cindy’s been teaching me to cook.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, I told her I wanted to surprise you, so she’s been giving me secret lessons since we went over there for dinner a couple weeks ago.”
“You’re amazing.”
“Let’s see how it tastes before you say that,” Dawn replied with laughter in her voice.
“I’m sure it will be great, but either way you’re amazing for doing this. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Shall we eat?”
“Definitely, what can I do?”
“You can pull the salad out of the fridge.”
While Cam took the bowl to the table, Dawn pulled the bread out of the oven and put the pasta in the boiling water. Before joining Cam at the table, she drained the pasta and mixed it into the sauce. Cam reached for Dawn’s hand. “I love you.”
Dawn linked her fingers with Cam’s. “I will never get tired of hearing that. I love you, too.”
As they ate, Dawn asked, “Everything go okay at the clinic today?”
Cam nodded. “I was in and out in less than ten minutes. It feels so much better to have the stitches out.”
“I would imagine. Does it still hurt?”
“No, not at all.”
“That’s fantastic.”
“This is what’s fantastic,” Cam said, lifting a bite of spaghetti on her fork.
“I’m glad you like it.”
“I love it.”
“Then we’ll have to remember to thank Cindy.”
When dinner was done, Cam offered to clean up. Dawn pitched in and everything was taken care of quickly.
As she closed the dishwasher, Dawn turned to Cam. She pulled her down for a long kiss and she turned up the heat. She heard Cam moan, but as she anticipated, moments later, Cam lifted her head and broke the kiss.
Dawn saw the need swirling in Cam’s eyes. “Baby, the other day you said you needed me. I thought you were ready. Am I wrong?”
“No. I am ready. More than ready, I want to be with you so badly. But….”
“What is it, baby?”
“Dawn…” Cam swallowed over the lump of desire in her throat and tried again. “I want…I need you to be sure. I don’t want to rush you. I don’t want you to have any regrets. If we take the next step there is no going back. It means we’re both all in.”
Dawn’s smile lit her eyes and she placed her hand on Cam’s cheek. “Darling, you have never, ever rushed me. I am all in. You waited patiently for me to figure out what I needed to, and I appreciate that. But I’m ready. Look at me, hear what I’m saying. You’ve always been able to see what I’m feeling. I love you and that won’t change. I want to be with you in every way. I want to feel all of you. Wait, before you say anything I need to show you something.” Dawn took Cam by the hand and led her into the studio.
Cam’s heart raced and her body was on fire. She tried to clear her head to pay attention to what Dawn wanted to show her. Dawn gestured to a painting just inside the door on the left. Cam recognized the picture full of grief and anguish she saw before.
“Cam, you were the first person to see this painting. That day you fixed my computer, I’d just pulled it out from behind a stack of other paintings. I hadn’t been ready for anyone else to see it, and I was trying to decide if I should include it in the show. The emotion I saw when you looked at the piece helped me make my decision. This is the first thing I painted after I left Lori. Knowing you could see what I felt when I painted it, somehow made i
t easier for me to let other people see it. I’m not sure I’m making a lot of sense. But this painting is only one in a whole series I did as I healed. They represent the different stages of grief when dealing with the end of my relationship with Lori.” Dawn indicated a painting at the end of the row. “What do you see when you look at this painting?”
Cam studied the picture before her. “Peace.”
“Exactly right, the last stage of the grief process. I wasn’t able to paint this one until you came into my life. Being around you made me reevaluate everything about my life, past, present, and what I want for my future. I’ve been working on myself a long time. You’re the first person that I care knows that. But there is another series of paintings I just finished. I think they are more important to the current conversation.”
Dawn walked around to the far end of the studio where her most recent pieces were set. “This is a series of pictures I’ve worked on since we met. Some are still in the sketch stage, but these are my works in progress. I want you to see them now because I think the sum of them reflects and documents the progression of my feelings for you. I know you wonder if I need more time. I’m curious what you’ll think after you see these paintings. Here’s what I’d like to do, I want to leave you here. I want you to take your time, as much time as you need with them. Then when you’re done, I want you to come find me. Okay?”
Cam nodded. “Okay, if that’s what you want.”
Dawn kissed Cam on the cheek. “It is exactly what I want. Come find me when you’re ready.”
Cam watched Dawn walk out of the room before turning her concentration to the pictures Dawn indicated. It appeared Dawn arranged the series sequentially. The first painting was a scene from the first day she and Dawn met. The two of them, June, and Kate in Cam’s backyard sat around the table with pizza and wine, at first glance a portrait of celebration. Then Cam stepped closer and studied the expression on Dawn’s face. She’s apprehensive. Not all of the pieces had people. Some were of spots that were special to their budding relationship. She studied each of the sketches and canvases. She saw Dawn’s fear and resistance, the heat of their first kiss, the beginnings of trust and acceptance of friendship, comfortable companionship, and affection. Dawn seemed to have documented every significant event since meeting her. Then Cam stopped. The painting Cam stood in front of was one of her and Dawn in her backyard. The dogs lazed in the sun. Dawn appeared to have just paused from weeding, and Cam was captured in the act of digging a hole. The look on Dawn’s face made Cam’s heart race. This must be the day Dawn told me her story. Cam could easily see the love reflected in Dawn’s eyes. Cam let her gaze fall on the next picture and the next, viewing her relationship with Dawn through Dawn’s own eyes. Clearly, Dawn put a great deal of thought and feeling into figuring out what was between the two of them. Cam’s love for Dawn deepened. She hadn’t known it was possible.