by TJ Thomas
Cam laid her hand on top of Dawn’s. “No, it’s okay. You know I want you and I do, badly.”
“I do know. Your body tells me that very clearly whenever we touch. But I don’t want us to make love again until you’re ready. Until your body, head, and heart are on the same page, I don’t want you to have any regrets.”
Cam lifted her head and kissed the top of Dawn’s head. “Thank you.”
“I love you, Cam.”
“I love you, too. Roll over so I can spoon with you.”
Dawn complied and Cam wrapped her body around Dawn’s. Dawn breathed deeply, trying to ease the sudden tension in her body. She had promised Cam that she could set the pace so she would resist seducing her, no matter how much she wanted to. Tonight was about comforting her and just being together. As their bodies fit snugly together, Cam melted into the comfort. She wrapped her right arm over Dawn’s breasts. Dawn held Cam’s arm with her own, binding them tightly together. After a few minutes of silence, Dawn asked, “Are you scared?”
“Some, I guess. Mostly I’m trying to remember I don’t know anything yet, so there’s nothing to be afraid of yet.”
Dawn stroked Cam’s forearm that she held to her chest. “I hope there is nothing to worry about even when we do know more. But no matter what we find out on Monday, I’m going to be with you every step of the way.”
Cam closed her eyes, absorbing the words into her soul. “Thank you.” She squeezed Dawn tightly. “Will you tell me about your parents’ farm so I can think about something else and maybe I can sleep?”
“Happily,” Dawn said. She told Cam stories about the farm, the animals, and her parents until Cam fell asleep. The pit of fear that had planted itself in her stomach as soon as Cam told her about the lump reared its ugly head and she shivered. She wasn’t going to lose Cam now, she couldn’t. God, Cam can’t be sick. Please, she just can’t be. Dawn closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep.
*****
Cam awoke with a start. She loved waking up with Dawn wrapped in her arms. Dawn’s scent sent her body spiraling upward again. She needed to get out of here now while she still could. She eased out of bed, pulled on her jeans, and wandered into the kitchen to make coffee. Her body was almost under control when Dawn stumbled out looking all tousled and beautiful.
Dawn smiled when she saw Cam in the kitchen. “Hey, good lookin’.”
“Good morning. How did you sleep?”
“Good, but I missed you when you weren’t there when I woke up.”
“Yeah, uh, I…”
Once she was close enough, Dawn put her hands on Cam’s cheeks and made her meet her gaze. “I understand. I felt the same way while you were holding me last night.” She pulled Cam down for a tender kiss and kept it light. Then she moved her hands to Cam’s shoulders. “Hell, I’m still turned on, I won’t lie, but the next move is yours, baby. You don’t have to run or hide it from me. I’m glad being close to me turns you on.”
Cam laid her chin on Dawn’s head and held her close. “Sweetheart, you don’t have to be anywhere nearby to get me hot. All I have to do is think about you. This morning I felt like my body was going to explode and you weren’t even awake.”
Dawn stroked Cam’s chest gently, aiming to soothe not arouse. “Do you have any clearer of an idea why you aren’t ready yet?”
You mean like the fact that I’m scared that I feel too much for you. The last time we slept together, you ran away. Of course there were mitigating factors, but still, that doesn’t do a lot for a person’s confidence. You’ve said you love me, and I feel that from you, but part of me still wonders when you’ll change your mind again. “I think I’m getting closer to figuring it out, but I’m not quite ready to talk about it yet. Is that okay?”
“You know it is.” Dawn stood on her tiptoes to place another light kiss on Cam’s lips. “Now can I have a cup of that amazing-smelling coffee?”
“Coming right up.”
*****
Dawn felt like it would be easier for Cam if she showered at her own place, so after breakfast, she dressed in the clothes she’d worn yesterday and made plans with Cam to meet back up to go to the beach with their friends that afternoon. Now, as she stood in the shower, she couldn’t stop thinking about how it felt to share a bed with Cam. To be held so close. She knew Cam hadn’t snuggled her as tightly as she might have and she knew why. She wished she could somehow put Cam at ease with the thought of making love with her.
It bothered her immensely that Cam had not told her about the lump as soon as she found it. But that was nothing compared to what Cam must be going through. She would just have to show Cam that she meant what she said, that she would be there for her every step of the way, no matter what happened. After the shower, she was still stirred up. Emotion and lust swirling through her, there was only one safe place for her to put all of the feeling. So, after pulling on some loose clothes, she made her way into the studio and placed a fresh canvas on an easel and put all the tumultuous passion into the painting.
Chapter Twenty-two
Once Dawn left, Cam went into her bedroom, changed into workout clothes, and headed out to the patio after feeding the dogs. She donned her boxing gloves and spent the next thirty minutes working the heavy bag. The session helped ease some of her frustration, but the persistent ache between her thighs was still very present. She went inside and headed for the shower. She stood under the hot spray letting the cascading water work on her tense muscles. She briefly considered taking care of the arousal that still gripped her groin, but the thought of getting herself off left her hollow. She twisted off the faucets, quickly dried herself, and pulled on clothes.
She grabbed her keys and helmet and roared down the driveway on her bike. No destination in mind. She had to get a little distance to be able to think. Dawn had said she’d see her later, and Cam knew she wouldn’t come over before then, but just knowing Dawn was next door made thinking about her and their situation hard.
Rather than head for the coast, she steered the bike toward the mountains. It didn’t take her long to figure out where her heart was leading her. She drove for more than an hour, through Alpine. She climbed higher, up the winding road of the Sunrise Highway, to the far end of the Cleveland National Forest. Just past the Mount Laguna Lodge, she slowed and turned left then took an almost immediate right into a small parking lot. She left the bike and easily found the trailhead. She hiked to the top of the path, sat on the large boulder at the top, and surveyed the stunning view.
Tears formed in her eyes, clouding her vision. She took a deep breath. This was the spot she had spread Melanie’s ashes two years before. She had been back a couple of times when she needed or wanted to feel especially close to Mel. The two of them had spent numerous vacations down at the Lodge and had always hiked this path, often packing a picnic lunch to share while taking in the scenery. A lump formed in her throat. She wasn’t saying good-bye to Melanie again. She didn’t need to do that. Deep down Mel would always be a part of her and Dawn knew it too and understood and accepted the fact. But she wasn’t likely to come back here, at least not alone.
So, with a mixture of sad and happy tears, she started talking aloud as though Melanie could hear her. She told her all about Dawn, without leaving out a single step of their relationship. Then she told her about the lump and how scared she was that she would become a burden to Dawn because she loved her so much. She talked and cried herself out. She scrubbed her face dry then laughed at herself, thinking about what Melanie would say if she came across her like this.
The experience was cathartic. She descended the path with a sense of peace infusing her entire being. She swung her leg over the bike, pulled her helmet on, and began the journey home. On the way back, she was able to think much more positively about a future with Dawn. She had only said good-bye to her a couple of hours ago, but she couldn’t wait to see her. As Cam pulled into her driveway, Dawn was just crossing the yard between their homes. She greeted Cam with a
friendly wave. Cam turned off the engine and removed her helmet. “Hi, babe.”
“Hi,” Dawn said. She stepped to Cam as she climbed off the bike. She lifted her hand to Cam’s cheek and stroked. “What’s going on? Have you been crying?”
Cam put her hands lightly on Dawn’s hips and pulled her close. She dipped her head for a quick kiss because she couldn’t help herself. “I have. Come inside while I change and I’ll tell you all about it.”
Dawn sat on the bed as Cam changed in the bathroom with the door ajar so she could talk to Dawn. She told Dawn all about her trip. She told her about the significance of the spot, about talking to Melanie, and everything. “I didn’t know that’s where I was headed when I left this morning. I just needed a little distance to think and just knowing you were next door was pretty distracting.”
“I get that. You’re pretty distracting yourself.” She stayed where she was and Cam sat beside her. “The place you went, where you spread Melanie’s ashes, it sounds like an amazing spot.”
Cam took Dawn’s hand in hers and met her eyes. “It is. I’d like to take you there some time.”
Dawn squeezed Cam’s hand and didn’t let go. “I’d love to see it someday.”
“Okay, then. In the meantime we have friends to meet at the beach. Should we take the truck so we can take beach chairs?”
“Well, since June and Lynn both said they’d bring coolers, if we just take a blanket and towels, we can take the bike and it will be easier to find parking.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Dawn hadn’t missed that the spark was a little brighter in Cam’s eyes when she returned from her trip to the mountains. Clearly it had been good for her. As she sat behind her on the bike, holding her tightly, she hoped Cam would continue to let her in.
*****
Cam and Dawn were the last to arrive. Their friends had already claimed a nice spot on the beach around one of the bonfire pits with chairs, umbrellas, blankets, and coolers. The two of them had barely settled onto their own blanket when June roped Cam into filling out the side in a volleyball game with her, Kate, and Jo. After a quick kiss for Dawn, Cam stood and headed for the net. Soon, Cindy convinced Lynn to walk down the beach with her and Dawn quickly found herself alone with Rhonda. Keeping an eye on the game, she moved over and dropped in the chair next to her. “How’s your trip been so far?”
“Wonderful. I love San Diego and it’s been so nice to get to know some of Jo’s friends a bit more and meet new ones.”
“It’s been great getting to know you too.”
“Well, in that case, I know we practically just met, but I can be a pretty good listener.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“I can see the worry on your face every time you look at Cam, if that’s what you mean.”
“Did Jo fill you in?”
“Yes,” Rhonda said gently.
“Ah. Yes, well, I don’t mind telling you I’m scared. Not only scared for Cam but also of losing her.”
“I can’t tell you not to be because none of us knows if there’s reason to be yet. But if you don’t mind a little unsolicited advice…”
“By all means,” Dawn said.
“Don’t hide your fear from Cam.”
Dawn shook her head. “I can’t burden her with what I’m feeling when she already has so much going on.”
“I know it seems that way. But if things had worked out differently, I might have lost Jo because I was afraid to tell her how I was really feeling. Trust me, the best course is open and honest communication with full disclosure. You’ve already acknowledged your love for one another. What’s the point of hiding any of your other feelings?”
Dawn thought that over. “No point at all.” She watched Cam stretch out her whole body as she dove for the ball and hit it up to June. Then she turned back to Rhonda. “Thanks for the ear.”
“Any time.”
When the game was over, June and Kate headed straight for the water, and Cam and Jo made their way back over to the chairs. Jo dusted herself off and dropped into the chair on the other side of Rhonda. Cam stood slightly away so as not to get sand on the blankets. Jo said, “You two should come out this fall and stay with us. Fall foliage is beautiful and we have plenty of room.”
Cam shared a look with Dawn before she responded. “That sounds like a lot of fun. We’ll talk about it. For now, though, I’m going to steal my girlfriend away if I can convince her to take a dip with me. I need to cool down.”
Dawn stood and walked to Cam. “I thought you’d never ask.” Jo and Rhonda’s laughter followed them down to the water. As Dawn walked with Cam, their hands entwined, she said, “You do realize being in the water with you will do nothing to cool me off. It will just make me so hot for you everyone around us will know what I’m thinking.”
“Then that makes two of us. Come with me anyway.”
“I’ll come with you anywhere, anytime, my love.”
Cam laughed heartily. “Now that’s just plain sexy.”
Dawn pulled Cam into the ocean. “It’s just plain true. You remember it.”
“How could I possibly forget?”
The rest of the afternoon passed pleasantly as they sat around swapping stories, taking walks along the shoreline, and taking dips in the ocean.
When everyone started getting hungry, Cam and Jo took burrito orders and went to a nearby taquería to get dinner. As Jo pulled the rental car out of the parking lot, without any preamble, she said, “You told her.”
“I did. How’d you know?”
Jo shrugged. “There’s more of an…easiness between the two of you today that wasn’t there yesterday. Given that, I take it I was right.”
“Yes, she said she was going with me. I know she was hurt that I didn’t tell her right away, but she didn’t say anything about that, just that she’d be with me every step of the way.”
“And you’re not sure you’re happy about that because you know how hard that could end up being, but it does make you happy that she loves you enough to offer that.”
“When did you become a mind reader?”
“You’ve never been hard to figure out, my friend.”
“Well, you’re right. It does make me happy that she wants to be there for me, but I don’t want to be a burden on her. Our relationship is still so new…”
“I’m only going to ask this one time and before you answer, remember I know what you’re thinking. If the situation was reversed would you listen to her if she told you to go away because it was too much and you didn’t need to hold her hand?”
Cam didn’t even think before she answered. “Of course not, I’d think life was unfair, again. But I would be by her side to fight whatever fight she needed to win.”
“Right.” Jo didn’t say anything more. She just let Cam sit with that thought for several minutes. “So what makes you think she would turn away from you even if you told her to?”
Cam didn’t answer. She didn’t need to. Jo had made her point and both of them knew it.
After getting the burritos, Cam and Jo headed back. Jo asked, “So, when are you planning on telling the others?”
“I was thinking maybe after dinner while we’re all together so I only have to say it once more. But I didn’t want to put a shadow on the whole day.”
Chapter Twenty-three
Dawn let herself into Cam’s house at quarter to seven on Monday morning. She had decided to sleep at her own place the night before, thinking Cam would be more comfortable that way. She heard the shower running, so she went into the kitchen and brewed a pot of coffee. She had just poured two cups and was doctoring her own when Cam walked into the kitchen. She wore her usual workday clothes of slacks and a button-down shirt. “Good morning, sweetheart.”
Dawn slid the cup of black coffee over the counter to Cam. “Good morning. Did you sleep?”
“Some.”
“Understandable. I thought about toasting bagels, but I didn’t know if you’d be
up for eating.”
“I’m not.”
Dawn moved around the island and wrapped her arms around Cam’s waist. She laid her head on her shoulder. “Why don’t you call in sick? Then after the appointment, we can have breakfast or go for a walk in the park or something.”
“I took the morning off. We can do those things before I head to the office.”
“Good. Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah. Thanks for going with me.”
“No thanks needed. I love you, Cam. I need to know what we’re facing. Besides, it will help to have someone else hearing what the doctor says today.”
Cam kissed Dawn deeply. “I love you, too.”
*****
Dawn wasn’t sure what the protocol was for this type of thing. She’d never accompanied anyone to a doctor’s appointment before. Was she allowed to go back with Cam? Would Cam even want her to? Cam was staring into space. She squeezed the hand she was holding to get Cam’s attention. “Nervous?”
The corners of Cam’s mouth turned up in a small grin. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. But it helps that you’re here.”
Before Dawn could respond, the door next to the check-in desk opened and a nurse called Cam’s name. Cam stood, but before she moved forward, she held out her hand to Dawn. “Coming?”
Dawn stood and took Cam’s hand. “Anywhere, anytime, any reason.”
The response made Cam smile which lifted Dawn’s heart. She stood outside the changing room after the nurse gave Cam instructions and then walked with Cam to the second waiting room after she had taken off the top half of her clothes and exchanged them for a gown. Seeing Cam in a hospital gown made it more real for Dawn, and she reached for Cam’s hand both to comfort and be comforted. “You really do look sexy in anything you wear.” There was a snicker from a woman across the room, but Dawn held Cam’s gaze.