by J.D. Selmser
Chapter seven
Where there is hope
I sat there watching Kristina's window from the front step of my dilapidated trailer, trying to decide the best way to fix this and save my soul. Part of me wished that I could go back and change it all, but I was pretty sure it didn't work that way. Another part of me wished that I could save her life and my own, but the more I understood the world she lived in, the more I realized if she lived to be a hundred years old, she wouldn't have as many happy moments as I fit into my seventeen years.
I was lucky enough that the owners of the house had left a twelve bottle case of beer in the fridge. I was nursing number two when I saw Kate and Kristina leaving the house. They were chatting and I think laughing so I guess whatever damage I had done was over now. I guess Kate talked to her after I had left. I set the beer down and opened a jar of spaghetti sauce and started eating it with a spoon. I watched them get in the car and figured I would eat, shower and watch tv. I was in the middle of nowhere and there wasn't anything to do. The TV only got five channels and two of them were French. Lucky me. Except the only words in French I remembered would usually get your face slapped.
Kate's little blue Honda pulled into the driveway. The engine chugged and the whole car seemed to shake even though it was parked. Kate stuck her head out the window, "What are you eating?" As a disgusted look covered her face.
Smiling I said, "Cheese flavored spaghetti sauce."
Shaking her head, she yelled, "Cold! It isn't even the good kind. It’s no name brand from Earl’s grocery. Probably been sitting on the shelf since who knows when? If you were still hungry, you should have stayed and ate more."
I could see Kristina's head drop like it was her fault and was shamed that I left. Smiling, I grabbed the bag of chips beside me and said, "Just a snack."
Shaking her head, Kate yelled, "My god. That's worse than microwave food."
I wanted to seem cool and collected. I honestly don't know if it was to make Kristina feel better or impress her. She wasn't like most girls I knew and I was starting to wonder if Hazel was right about there being real beauty inside her. "Maybe it’s not healthy, but it tastes good."
"I think you must have a stomach made of cast iron. Any plans for tonight?"
"Aren't you kind of old to be asking me out on a date?" It seemed like the playful thing to say.
Kate looked at Kristina who actually seemed amused. Well at least she grinned. That was a start. "Boy I will have you know I have shoes older than you and in a lot better shape. Now watch your smart mouth. Us ladies are going to bingo." Who still goes to bingo? Ok, old ladies do, but the only thing I could think of that was more boring than bingo was watching paint dry. Well maybe watching paint dry would be more fun. Looking at Kristina, she chirped, "If you don’t want to come it’s no skin off my teeth, but Kristina thought you might want to come with us."
Kristina's whole face blushed with her aunt’s confession. Hell, maybe this might be easier than I thought. I hadn't even been here for twenty-four hours yet. I jumped up, "Ok give me a minute and I will come ok?"
Kate laughed, "I thought that might change your mind. But just so we are clear, it’s not a date. You are escorting two ladies to bingo. Not just the younger one."
"Like a bodyguard in case you win the jackpot right?"
That made them both crack up. "I wasn't aware that our little town’s crime rate required a bodyguard for a thousand-dollar jackpot. Besides I've seen you fight. I think I better be the bodyguard around here and you can just be Kristina's eye candy." She burst out laughing, "Oh my, now you are both blushing."
I sat in the back of the car listening to a cassette tape of Stompin Tom Connors playing a wide variety of potato songs. Yes, the car still had a cassette deck and smelled like an ashtray, but it was another step in completing this task. Kristina was quiet, but every now and then, I could see her eyes looking at me through the mirror. Looking back, she finally said, "I can't take it anymore.", and she licked her thumb and wiped the side of my mouth. "You’re like covered in spaghetti sauce."
Smiling I said, "Then my plan worked."
They looked confused as they said, "What plan?"
With a giant toothy grin, I said, "I got your attention and even had you reach out to me. See? Plan’s working."
Kristina just rolled her eyes as Kate snorted, "Oh you sweet talker. I didn't think you could even talk to a girl and now you are trying to seduce my niece." Kristina just glared at her aunt and if looks could kill, I am sure lightning would have struck her down then and there. "Oh don't look at me that way. It’s all just good natured fun. I think that's your problem girl. You don’t remember how to have fun. Always got your nose in a book. You know, a fantasy world between the pages can't replace the real world."
Looking at me in the mirror she added, "Oh don’t you look that way boy. I’ve seen you watching my Kristina all summer long for the past two years and today's the first time you even said boo to her."
We turned onto Main Street. Can you believe it? The town was so small it actually had a Main Street and every telephone pole had cow prints painted on them. Redneck folk art I guess, but it looked cool. I mean each pole was white with black spots on it or some other farm yard animal. It was freaking amazing. A giant sign next to the town’s name had the population number of 2,482. I couldn't believe it. My neighborhood of South keys in my former life had a bigger population than that. A small sign right beneath it said "Canada's Dairy Capital". I snickered as the thought where men are men and the cows are nervous crossed my mind.
Kate looked at me through the rear view mirror, "What's with that toothy grin on your face? You look like you have a secret and if you don't share it, your heads going to explode."
I saw Kristina staring at me like she was waiting for me to say something witty and charming, but I didn't think that my sense of humor about farmyard animals would impress her. "Oh nothing really. I just missed the little town."
Kate smiled, "Peterborough might be bigger and have many fancy stores, but our little town has character." Laughing, she added, "Or at least that's what we tell ourselves to justify living in the middle of nowhere." Kristina was rolling her eyes as if to say. “This is too much. Get me out of here.”
"You know what they say, there's no place like home. I missed the town or at least the simplicity of it." I was looking out the window and the sidewalks were made out of those red brick-like interlocking stones you see in driveways. It’s a shame that they weren't yellow. Then it would be a real tourist attraction. A lot better than the slogan "where men are men and the cows are nervous."
The houses and buildings we passed were old and filled with character, unlike the new modern look of the buildings I was used to with straight lines and walls of glass. Each one had its own unique elegance and charm. Small town Canada, as my father always said as we passed through them during our travels. I missed something about them. I am not sure what it was, but as we drove through this little farm town, I knew that my whole life had been spent missing the simplicity and beauty of it. The streets were bare with the exception of random lovers walking along the streets hand in hand or arms wrapped around each other. Kristina would try and hide the fact that she was watching each and every one of them. She’d let her eyes flicker to the side while pretending to stare forward. I could see a longing in her eyes like they had a secret in them and all she wanted to do was share it. I think she wanted to feel that kind of connection. I don’t believe in soulmates, but I think deep down, on an emotional level, she believed in it with her heart, but her mind refused to admit it.
We pulled into the parking lot of a white building with a brown roof. It was one of those buildings that looked like somebody had thrown gravel against it and it stuck. There was this oval shaped symbol with a giant blue ‘L’ on it with a small sign that displayed “Sunday Bingo” on it. On the other side, was a smaller sign that said Public Library on the front. I could hear the gravel snap
under the tires as we pulled into the driveway.
Kristina opened the door and with a giant stack of books in her arms, immediately started walking to the library. I should have figured that she would be that type of girl. You know, the kind that can read two or three books a day and seem to know a little bit about everything. Not that it’s a bad thing, but damn those types intimidate the hell out of me. Most times they are too smart to fall for my, “I am going to be a star routine.” It never occurred to me until now that maybe all the girls I spent so much time laughing at, were damaged. Not damaged like she is going to snap one day and kill somebody, but damaged like Kristina. They hide whatever spark they have inside themselves not because it won’t shine, but because they are afraid it will.
I must have been staring because Kate grabbed my arm and whispered, “You can gawk at her all you want to, but unless you can sit her down and talk to her, she will always be just out of reach.” I watched Kristina climb the stairs with what I can only call a struggled wiggle. It didn’t exactly sway, but bounced as she walked.
I kept watching her waddle up each step with those treasured books in hand. Turning to Kate, I said, "She doesn't need a boyfriend. She needs a friend."
Kate shook her head, "I didn't say she needed anything. I said just staring at her won’t change anything. Thoughts, even if they are never said out loud, mean nothing without action behind them."
Half way up the road, I saw that blue S10 with the tall antennas rising high from the mirrors. I should have figured with such a small town that they'd be lingering around somewhere. Kate saw the truck too. "Why don’t you go and walk with her while I go buy the cards. You being a bingo virgin, I will only get you a single card.", she giggled. As she went through the double glass doors she laughed, "Bingo virgin. I will need to tell Betty that one."
I slowly headed towards the library, still watching the pickup. I didn't see either one of the twins, but guys like that are like roosters. They like to crow around the hen house and make a lot of noise. The problem with that is, Kristina probably had a lot of roosters crowing around her all day long.
I pulled on the thick brown metal door and stepped into the library. Again, it was like walking into the 80's. Rows of beige metal shelves ran towards the back with various posters like, “readers are leaders” and something about a summer reading camp that had already passed. There was a bounce in the floor with each step I took from what I can only assume was broken braces under the floor boards or something like that.
I was walking between the shelves when I saw her. She was wearing headphones and rocking back and forth listening to some music on one of the libraries computers. Flickering on the screen was the word "Infestum". I can't say that I have ever heard of them and based on the video, probably didn’t want to, but Kristina seemed happy enough dancing in place. I stood there watching, amazed at how elegant she looked dancing in place. I guess seeing how empty the library was, she thought that she could let her hair down.
"Hmmm.", came from behind me. I turned to find a short elderly woman standing behind me. "Can I help you young man?"
I was startled, but didn't scream or anything girly like that. "No actually. I am just waiting for Kristina to return her books and get some more."
"I don’t think you are waiting for her to get more. She is returning the stack she has today instead of on Tuesdays like usual, because starting tomorrow we are closing up shop." Shaking her head as she walked away, "I tried to sign her up so she could download electronic books, but Kristina wouldn't have any of that. I guess some young people are like us older readers. Want to smell the ink and the paper. It’s a shame though because that girl can read six maybe sometimes ten books a week. It’s a shame. It’s almost like she is losing all her friends."
I turned, watching Kristina as she flipped to another video. I wondered what the librarian would say if she knew the real reason Kristina didn't sign up or if she knew just how accurate her statement was about losing all her friends. I hadn't noticed how long her neck was until now. Her hair was flipped onto the left side, displaying it. Even with the wrinkle lines, there was something about her that glowed when she dropped the wall and got lost in the music. It was a unique beauty that I would never have noticed if I hadn't died. I decided to go wait for her outside. I'd give her time to say goodbye to all her friends one last time.
I am not sure how long I waited for Kristina, but it seemed like forever. It reminded me of my first date with Catherine what's her name. It’s not really important. She spent hours getting ready and putting on makeup and I got bored, I took her best friend. I can't even remember her friend’s name, only that she was a great kisser. There were too many nameless faces in my past. Seeing the effects that human stupidity had on Kristina, I wondered how many girls were haunted by my actions. Did they have nightmares and I was the face behind the mask of a man who was chasing them?
The door opened and Kristina came out and sat beside me on the cement step. Sitting there, she was fumbling her fingers together and leaned forward, puckering her lips. “Been waiting for me long?”, she asked. It was more of an opener than an actual question.
“I was just counting the stars on this lovely day.”
She smiled “But the stars aren’t out yet.”
“As they say, the early bird gets the worm and all.”
Still smiling she said, “Don’t be so sweet and charming. It makes what I want to say to you harder.” I was about to say something charming and delightful when she added, “Don’t be funny or charming. I need you to listen to what I have to say. Don’t make it harder for me by acting nice. OK?” Her eyes were serious. Not cold or emotionless, just serious like she had thoughts that she needed to get out while they were fresh in her mind so I just sat there is silence, waiting.
She cleared her throat and said, “Ok here goes.” She didn’t look at me, but instead stared down at the ground. “I have a reputation that follows me where ever I go. I might escape for a few months, but just like snow in the winter, eventually it comes and nothing will stop it.” Rocking back and forth with her arms clenched, she continued, “If you haven’t heard of my reputation, you will soon. A reputation is a scar on your soul that you can’t outgrow. Believe me I have tried.” I didn’t want to be funny, which is what my first instinct was. That wouldn’t help her and I didn’t see being forceful as an alternative either. She blurted out, “See I am already making you nervous.”
“No not at all.”. I responded.
“Listen, I am sure that you are a nice guy. I have seen you from my window. You have friends and just today I could see that you are the type of guy that people are drawn to. You are funny and kind, but I was sent here to live a simple life.” She was squeezing her hands together until her knuckles turned blue. “You are a complication that I didn’t expect. Life has shown me that once my reputation gets out, the world sees me through different eyes. I can’t handle more complications. The only way I can survive is to just keep my head down and hope that as few people as possible see me.”
After a few minutes of silence, where generally my quick witted charm would come out, she placed her hand on my shoulder, “There isn’t an Angel inside me. I am uglier on the inside than I am on the outside. I know I have a pretty face and giant breasts, but my soul is broken. You can do better than me. You deserve more than I can offer you now or maybe ever.” She didn’t have to tell me that she had giant breasts. She could wear all the sweaters she wanted and even a parka and they would stand out. “Don’t stare at them.”, she squawked with an embarrassed smile on her face. “Just know that I am no dandelion. I am more like common poison ivy.” Standing up she said, “Let’s go play bingo and make my aunt happy. I am sure soon though you will hear a lot of rumours about me. Just know, that most are true. I am not a whore though. I am just not pretty on the inside like you seem to believe.”
I followed her and asked, “Why don’t you let me decide if you are ugly or not on the inside
or outside?” If only she knew that the little Asian fellow inside me was well known for being the guy with the hotties standing in line to be by my side. If only she knew that right now, I was choosing to be here even if Hazel hadn’t told me I had to. At this moment, I was choosing her since it was becoming more and more apparent I was so screwed and doomed to fail.
“Because it would be social suicide for you to let me into your life. It would follow you through your whole school career. Trust me.” As if dropping the subject, she walked into the hall and went straight for the table where Kate had already arranged what seemed like endless brown bingo cards.
There was an uneasy quiet between us now and despite my best efforts, I couldn’t shake it. Kate was lost in her bingo cards and it was like listening to a drum beat as she stamped her cards. Randomly, Kate or Kristina would reach over stamping my cards since despite my best efforts, I couldn’t keep up. Finally, I just said, “I am the eye candy aren’t I?”
Grinning they both responded, “Yes since you are missing more numbers than you are stamping.”, as they continued to play my cards.
Looking down, I realized that the top card in my four card set was completely covered. Pointing I asked, “What does it mean when the whole card is full?”
Kate jumped up screaming, “It means bingo!”, like it was the most amazing thing ever. She was pointing to my card screaming, “His first time ever and he won the dang jackpot.”
It wasn’t too long until this hawk-faced older guy with a giant nose and thinning hair came to verify my numbers. Holding up his hand, he screamed. “We have a winner.”, in a tone that reminded of one of the carnies from the Ottawa Expo that I used to attend as a kid. “A $1000 goes to the young Hines boy.”, as he counted out twenty fifty dollar bills.
Handing him back two fifties, I asked, “Could I possibly get four twenties and two tens?” He looked confused as he reached in his pocket and counted out the bills.
Kate looked confused as she asked, “Is there a reason why fifties aren’t good enough for you?”
Beaming with pride I said, “Yes.”, as I counted out three hundred and forty dollars and handed it to her. Next I passed three hundred and thirty dollars and handed it to Kristina who seemed even more confused than her aunt.
“What’s this?”
“Well if you look at the card there are more red and purple stamps than my blue so I figure you played more than I did.”
Smiling Kate responded, “You might be eye candy, but damn if you aren’t really classy eye candy.”
It was only a ten-minute ride home, but it was the longest ride that I ever had. Kate, as expected, kept jabbering about any number of things that came to mind while Kristina was silent and barely even glanced at me. I have never claimed to understand women, but Kristina was one that I don’t think anybody would be able to understand. Maybe her scars were too deep or too much time had passed to change anything. As they say, tomorrow is another day and when you only have five left, you need to make each one count. The problem was, I knew that school starting would only make it harder. Maybe Hazel chose the wrong six days.