by J.D. Selmser
Chapter fifteen
The heartache
I didn't see anybody the next day. I just hid in my redneck castle and waited for my last breath to come. It’s a terrifying thing watching the world move by you, so full of life. Watching it happen with the knowledge that you won’t share in the events as they unfold.
The police came three times to see Kate. Uncle Huey wasn't among them though. According to the TV, an unnamed teen was being charged with three counts of sexual assault and black mail. Once he was arrested, two other local teens stepped forward about their abuse at his hands. To look at him, you would never know that inside him was a monster. Then again to look inside me, you'd never know that I was a monster either.
Mister Andersen did stop by and see me, but it was to inform me that he was proud of me. I was a leader and that he understood that I was one of those rare individuals who didn't let my moral values crumble when it was time to stand tall. Of course when my suspension was over, I still had the little desk by his office. It wasn't as a punishment though. It was for my own protection. Turning on the family made me very unpopular. I would step outside and see Cliff staring at my house, arms crossed, just waiting.
I knew that tomorrow was Friday and it was no longer days that I was counting down but hours and then it would be minutes. That's how the mighty fall I thought. Sitting alone in a strange house, hated and detested.
I decided to write Jason a letter explaining why I destroyed his life. It seemed only fitting that he knows Kristina's story. Not the reputation that followed her from school to school, but the real story. The one that listed my sins and how, in trying to save Kristina, everything changed for me. I might have been here trying to stop her from ending her life and save my soul, but in the brief moments that I had with her, I learned the meaning of love. I wished him well and hoped that eventually he would understand that I couldn't have done what I did any other way.
I didn't sleep that Thursday night. I just sat on my step watching the stars, wondering if those were the same stars that they saw in Heaven. If they were, I'd never see their beauty again. I kept thinking that Hazel would come and tell me what to expect. You know, prepare me for my journey like a tour guide, but she never came. I guess she decided that I failed alone and I must face it alone.
"Did you mean it?", a familiar voice said from the darkness. "Did you really mean that despite everything, I am your dandelion? Do you honestly see me as a flower despite that the fact that the world sees me as a weed?"
My heart was pounding as I looked up and saw Kristina walking towards me. I just wanted to run over and kiss her, I was so happy to see her. She was so beautiful that all I could think of was kissing an Angel before I die.
"Do you still think that I am special knowing who I am, what I did and what happened to me?"
She sat beside me and just stared at me, waiting for an answer. "Yes. If I had the time I'd spend my whole life showing you just how amazing you are everyday. Loving you everyday."
She leaned in closer and said, "Will you just hold me? I want to feel loved!" I wrapped my arms around her and held on like the tighter I squeezed, the better chance I had of keeping her.
She kissed me on the cheek and said, "I believe you."
Still holding her I asked, "That I love you or that you are beautiful?", I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it again. It wasn't because of my soul, but because I wanted my last day on earth to matter. I wanted to know that when I was gone, Kristina knew that she was wanted, desired, loved and beautiful.
"Both. You touched my heart and my soul." She kissed my cheek again, "I think I love you."
I felt a stream of tears run down my cheek as those words left her lips. I didn't want to hurt her or break her heart, but it was too late. We found love too late. Six days too late, but I was too selfish to let go. She wiped the tear from my cheek and steered my head towards her. "Don’t worry about tomorrow. Let’s just share today. Today is all that matters." She kissed me on the lips like she knew that I was already dead. There was so much passion in her kiss that my heart fluttered and I forgot how to breathe.
I held her tight and tried to tell her, but she kept shushing me and snuggling in closer. I couldn't fight the temptation to kiss her neck and whisper just how much I love and adored her.
Her head was resting on my shoulder as she wrapped her fingers through mine. "How did you know about Anne of Green Gables? Those are my favorite books. I must have read them a million times."
"Not everything about you on the internet is bad. I found out there.", I whispered as I kissed each knuckle.
Smiling she asked, "What else did you find?"
"I discovered that you are loving, loyal, compassionate and that you love Anne of Green Gables. I looked and found the real you."
A shooting star was tumbling through the sky. She smiled and said, "Let’s make a wish together."
I was still sliding my fingers in between hers and said, "Yes, let’s make a wish." I watched it tumble and wished that tonight would never end or that we could have thousands of tomorrows to share.
"What did you wish for?", she asked then kissed my chin with lonely eyes and a smile on her face.
"I can't tell you because it won’t come true."
Between kisses she said, "My wish already came true. You made it come true."
"What did you wish for?"
Kristina was so full of love and affection that my heart was crying because it knew that she was the only one for me and I would always be longing for more. "You saw the real me. I mean inside my soul and loved what you saw."
"Yes, of course I saw you and love you."
Smiling she said, "No you saw the real me and fell in love. That's what I prayed for. To love and be loved. That's the gift you gave me. Love."
I was running my fingers along her arms like it was the highway to her heart and I was letting my fingers do the walking. "Why did you push me away last night? I came and Kate told me that you wouldn't talk to me."
"I don't know if you will ever understand this." Her face went serious as she stared at up at the moon. "This police officer name John Ryder came to my house. He understood my pain. Well as much as a man could. He believed me." Kristina wrapped her arms around my neck, "I don't want to think about that. I just want to enjoy our moment."
I knew that she didn't want to keep dwelling on it or at least talk about it, so I let it go. The most important thing now was that my next twenty-four hours were spent enjoying every minute I had left with her. Karma had an ironic sense of humor. I find the love of my life at the end of my life.
Pointing to the sky I whispered, "That's the big dipper."
Kristina just laughed. "Can the girls you usually date spell their own name?" Before I even had a chance to answer she laughed and added, "I mean, if you need to point out the big dipper to them."
"Maybe it’s not the past women who aren't so smart, but me." I wondered how she knew the kind of women I dated. A twinkle in her eye told me she was speculating.
Playfully Kristina added, “Maybe.” At this point in time, there was nothing I wanted more than to see her smile. There was this selfish side of me that just wanted watch her smile because I it made me feel good inside, but it was because she deserved to be happy. She deserved to be happy.
Kristina stood up, still holding my hand like it was everything. "I want to share something with you. It’s my fantasy." Smiling she just shook her head rolling her eyes, "It’s not that kind of fantasy." Pulling me along she added, "But you can't laugh."
Following her like a love sick puppy, I added, "I will never laugh at your fantasies or desires." I bent over and kissed her neck, "Never."
We made our way across the highway, but this time, she kept clear of the graveyard, "I don't want to walk amongst the dead. Let’s walk along the highway." I didn't protest because I wasn't fond of the idea of walking through it either. I figured that I would be spending enough time
in one soon enough.
We weren't in a rush to get to the house. We just strolled hand in hand along the empty road like young lovers. Why shouldn't we? For a little over twenty-four hours, I wanted to try and fit in a lifetime of love and romance. It’s all I had. I have had sex many times, but only one love. I wanted to create as many memories as possible.
The house seemed empty as we opened the door and entered. The collection of books I had bought her were sitting on a shelf proudly displayed. She saw me staring at them and grabbed hold of me, "Thank you.", and kissed me. It was one of those long kisses that you prayed would never end. "That's how special those books are to me dear."
Taking off her sweater I didn't know what to expect when she said, "Now it’s time to fulfill my other fantasy."
"Oh really. Now this sounds like it might be very interesting," I said raising an eyebrow. Smiling I added, "Oh very interesting indeed."
"If you are thinking that kind of fantasy, then you will be sadly mistaken." She came over and dragged me to the little couch and kissed my nose, whispering, "Just sit on the couch and wait like good eye candy." There was a devilish smile on her face as she raised an eyebrow, "And don't forget you are my eye candy."
I was sitting there waiting as I heard the pitter patter of her feet hitting the stairs as she went up. It seemed like hours that she was up there, but the clock on the wall said it was only fifteen minutes. My jaw dropped as she stepped out from the stairs. She had on a sleeveless white shirt with some kind of frills around the edges. Of course, despite my best efforts, my eyes were drawn to her cleavage and she had lots to spare. Her hair wasn't pulled back in her usual pony tail, but dangled on the left side leaving the right side of her neck exposed. She lit a candle and turned out the lights before coming over to me. Maybe it wasn’t the way the candle light flickered, but the way the shadows danced on her face that made her beautiful.
"What are you staring at?"
I smiled, trying to make sure the image was saved not only in my heart, but my mind as well. "Your beauty. I want to inhale this memory so it’s so strong it never fades."
She just smiled and sat down beside me. "And my breasts too I imagine." Laughing she continued to snuggle in closer, "I know that I have a pretty face, nice giant breasts and in my own way, an hourglass figure. As long as you like your hourglass on the wide side."
Wrapping my arms around her, I whispered, "I do.", and kissed her neck.
"I was going to say, but I need someone who sees the beauty inside me and loves that more."
Still kissing her neck I added, "I do." I started kissing her neck inch by inch and asked, "And what is this fantasy?"
She was running her hand behind my neck playing with my ears as she kissed my chin, "Well my aunt Kate is in Ottawa playing bingo so I thought we could..." She stopped for a minute like she was trying to choose her words properly and kept kissing my neck to distract me or maybe put me in the mood. "You promise that you won’t think I am some kind of weirdo if I tell you?"
"Of course I promise."
"Hold me and read Anne of Green Gables to me."
Ok inside I was thinking, “Really? Read to her.” I was going to spend my last day burning with desire, holding the woman I loved and I was going to die reading. Really! Then I looked into her gorgeous eyes and the answer was clear. I was going to read to her from the book she loved by candlelight, and leave her with a romantic fantasy fulfilled. I pulled her in closer and whispered, "Of course I will."
With my arms around her, Kristina held the book and I started to read to her. Her eyes never left mine the whole time I was reading. This might not be the wild night of loving I expected, but it was the most intimate connection that I have ever had with another human being. As I finished chapter one she whispered, "I no longer have regrets, but I do wish you had seen me earlier in life. There are so many treasured moments that we've missed.”
I remembered that day at Hazel's funeral. My heart was as cold as the rain tumbling from the sky. If only I had let myself see more than a scared little girl, we could have had so many moments more to share and so many things to explore, maybe I wouldn’t die tomorrow. Maybe we would have had a lifetime together. So many maybes. I kissed her lips, allowing the sensation of how soft and gentle they were to sink in before telling her, "I love you."
I ran my hands along her arms and they felt so cold with goose bumps so big it was like reading braille. I rubbed my hand along them, trying to warm her up as she started to shiver. "You are freezing.", I said as I added force to my hands trying to warm her.
"No I am not. Tonight my hearts on fire and that's all I need. Your love." Her lips touched mine and suddenly they were freezing to. "I wish we could stay here forever in this embrace reading to each other”
"I wish it would never end as well." I said trying to grasp what was happening. Did I save her too soon so now all I would feel is cold and emptiness? I still held her with all my strength and Kristina kept holding and kissing me.
She looked at the clock and said, "It’s five minutes to midnight."
Looking up, I thought one more day was all I was supposed to have left. Twenty four hours to fit in a lifetime of loving, memories and dreams. It wasn't enough, but one day with Kristina was better than a lifetime with anybody else. I had to make every minute count.
Kristina kissed me and whispered, "I love you. Never doubt or forget that. My whole life was the road to get right here and I wouldn't trade this minute for anything."
She kissed me again, but it seems weak as her arms went limp and tumbled down. Her head fell like her strength was being whisked away silently. Staring up at me, the spark was fading from her eyes as she whispered, "I see the real you. I love what I see inside you.”
I pulled her closer, trying to understand where I went wrong. She found love and even if I wasn’t going to be around to share it, she knew that love existed and there was something inside her so unique that just a taste of it could change the coldest of hearts. It changed my heart. I said, “This can’t be happening. You can’t leave me. You can’t leave me!”
My heart broke as a single tear fell from her eyes. It was the first time I had ever seen an Angel cry. My Angel was crying. She slowly raised her hand and with her thumb, touched my cheek. I hadn’t realized that I was crying. “Don’t cry for me darling. You have given me a precious gift that I never thought possible. My only regret is that I didn’t give you more. That it took me so long to let my heart see inside yours.” Her hands were trembling so hard that just holding them made my body feel like I was working with a jack hammer. In panic she pleaded, “Don’t let go of me darling. Don’t let go because I don’t want to lose a single second with you.”
Such fear was written on her face and all I could do was pull her closer, saying, “I will never let go. Never as long as I have a breath inside me, I won’t let go.” Her body snapped up like a puppet on a string as it started to jerk and bounce. It was like lightning shooting through her into me, but I didn’t let go. I couldn’t let her go no matter how much pain it caused because even if I realized it too late, everything I ever wanted I found in her. She was screaming, “Don’t let go. Just hold me for a few minutes longer so the last thing I feel is your arms wrapped around me.’ Her eyes were filled with tears as she looked up and whispered, “And your lips pressed against mine.” I reached over and kissed her. It felt like my head was going to explode then the unthinkable happened.