by J.D. Selmser
Chapter sixteen
After affect
I was still screaming when I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a graveyard. My heart was still pounding as I tried searching through the mist, crying out Kristina’s name. I kept wandering amongst the tombstones calling for her, but she didn’t respond. Every time I screamed for Kristina, it sounded like I was screaming into a tube, only there wasn’t any echo just the sound of my muffled voice.
I was lost, wandering between the graves desperately searching for Kristina. She died right before my eyes. Looking around me, the way the mist was rising just above the ground and hanging there, I was sure that I was caught between the living and Hell. It looked like it should be damp and cold like the early morning walks through the forest as a child with my mother. It wasn't though. The air against my flesh felt stale and lifeless.
A faint light flickered in the distance. I almost missed it because the clouds of thick fog flowed like an unseen wind was pushing it along. Maybe Heaven was trying to keep me from seeing Kristina's light in the window calling me home to her. I read once that during the civil war, wives would leave a candle burning in a window so their husbands at war could find their way home. I was following the light, praying that when I got there she would be waiting.
I made my way past the mist, out of the graveyard, into a clearing. Kristina's house was standing there looking old and empty. I guess like most things, its soul and warmth came from those that lived within its walls and now it was empty. Now like me, it was alone, searching for the people who added life and meaning inside it.
I made my way to the front step, half expecting Kate or Kristina to coming running out after me, but they didn't. I knocked on the front door, but nobody answered. Peeking through the window, the house looked dark and dreary. I understood that nobody was at home. I waited for what seemed like hours trying to build up enough courage to open the door. The idea that Hell wasn't a hot inferno filled with fire and brimstone occurred to me. If this was my Hell, it could torment me endlessly because everyplace I looked was a cold and cruel reminder of her. A nightmare filled with an image of all possibilities life could have offered, but that would always be just out of reach.
Finally, I opened the door and stepped into the house. It was just like I remembered, only its spirit or warmth, were gone. Just the look of it. Displayed proudly were the Anne of Green Gables books I bought her. With the exception of the first book in the series. The one that we were reading together on the couch. I picked it up and thought of her. It’s strange how a bunch of words on paper can take on a whole new meaning, not because of their meaning, but because of the memories built from them. I put the book beside the rest in the collection and was filled with sadness. These books were meant to bring happy memories into Kristina's life. Not be the last memory.
I followed the dim light that was shining at the top of the stairs. It was the eeriest thing that I’d ever seen. You know, in every horror movie when the crowd screams run away stupid, but the idiot still runs into the shadows. Well today, I am that idiot. Only I am running towards a memory, praying that I can reclaim a little piece of a dream.
At the top of the stairs, I looked into Kristina's room. It looked just as lonely as it did before, but now I wanted hope. I hoped that the light shining through the darkness wasn't just a mirage. I didn't want to be like one of those guys you hear about wandering the desert dying of thirst and that thirst is so strong that your mind creates an image of it so strong that you believe it true.
I walked into the room and saw her little desk standing next to the window. It was just how she left it. Papers and books scattered across its top. I looked out the window and saw nothing but mist glowing against a wall of darkness. I sifted through Kristina's pictures. Like the previous ones, these were drawn from the view of the world from her window. The swing set across the graveyard, only this time, there were young lovers holding hands and staring at a sunset. I flipped through the pages, marvelling over Kristina's talent. She had so much talent. I wondered if she ever shared it with anyone. If she ever let anyone close enough to see more of the amazing parts of her.
I went through the pictures and near the bottom, I found one I didn't expect to find. It was of her and Hazel standing hand in hand in what I could only call Heaven. I didn't see any clouds or figures with wings like I expected. Just the two women staring down at me like they were watching me live my life. It made me wonder if this is what was meant to be.
"This one is my favorite.", Hazel said as she pulled out the bottom page. "It was her favorite as well. It’s how she saw love. True love I mean." She held up the page and I saw my own image of love. It was me and Kristina sitting on the couch reading "War and Peace." The most touching part was that it was the real me. Not the Jason I became to save her, but me.
"Did she know it was me?" Pointing at the picture, "I mean the whole time. Did she know it was me?"
Hazel wasn’t her giggling usual self. “Her soul did.” Rolling her eyes, she added, “That is kind of why they call it soulmates. Even if the brain can’t see it, your soul always knows.”
It was like a hammer smashed into my heart as those words left her lips. Those words would haunt me forever. Soulmates. Friends and lovers I knew were common. I have had plenty of both, but Kristina was both and more. She was my soulmate. My one and only soulmate.
“So this is my Hell. Knowing that she is lost to me and I am stuck here filled with... well, a wanting.”
“This isn’t Hell Jason. You saved your soul. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“No it’s not what I wanted. I might have saved my soul, but at the expense of my heart.” I was shifting through the papers and found a picture. It was the one that Kate took of us that day. It was the same yet different. It was not the body I possessed, but me in it. I never realized that there was love in my eyes that day. How can I fall in love and not even know it?
“The day you died, all you wanted was to save your soul. You did what you had to and now your soul is saved.” She pulled out the list and it was shorter than I ever could have expected. Pointing at the page, she smiled and beamed with pride, “Your sins are now only five names. Look Kristina’s name has been removed completely.”
“That’s not the way it was supposed to end. I die and she lives.” Crying uncontrollably, I screamed, “She was supposed to live. I showed her the beauty inside her. I gave her a reason to live.”
Hazel looked concerned as she sat in the chair, “No I never said that she would live. I said that you had to stop her from committing suicide. You did that, but she died. You can’t change that even with the best intentions. Dead is dead Jason.”
I just dropped to my knees, consumed with fear and grief, "If I stopped her from ending her life, how can she be dead?"
"Call it fate or destiny if you want. No matter what you want to call it, there's a balance that fate will always protect. I wish I could change it, but I can't. The day Kristina took her life, she died. There's no changing that."
I screamed, "Then what was the point? What was the point of saving my soul if I can never see her again? Never hold her or kiss her?"
Hazel walked over to the bed and patted the top of it. "Sit." I walked over and sat beside her, not even sure if I wanted to hear what she had to say. Not sure if my heart could handle the disappointment that ultimately had to follow.
Taking her little fingers, she slid them into mine and she said, "Do you feel it?"
"Feel what?"
"There's an awkward feeling like no matter what we try, they just don't fit properly. It’s like trying to make the wrong piece of a jigsaw puzzle fit."
"Now place the image of Kristina's hand in yours." Smiling she said, "You remember how it felt like it just belonged. That's because there was a connection."
Her hand looked so small next to mine. "How does this help me?” So the only hand that belongs holding mine is gone. It’s like an itch in my heart that I can never scratch.
"Can't you take my life and spare hers? Kristina deserves happiness. She deserves love."
Hazel smiled, "The day that Kristina took her life, she sealed her fate. But in her last seconds of life, she prayed for something and it even made the Angels weep. It was something that she couldn't get from anybody else, but you."
I couldn't imagine anything that a dying girl would ask for that I was the only person who could give it. "She wanted to feel love. Not just any love, but true love." Smiling she whispered, "She wanted to feel as special as you made me feel that day. To be remembered and know that in her last moments, the beauty inside her counted for something. That's exactly what she got. Five days to find love."
I snapped, "Yes but you gave me six days and now she's gone. I lost a day of love."
That made her crack up laughing, "No you gained a lifetime of love. She opened your heart and changed you. The only thing you need to do is wait, live and soon enough you will be knocking on Heaven’s door."
"That's where I will be waiting." I turned and saw Kristina standing at the door smiling. My heart was pounding as I saw her.
"If we are both dead then we can go together now. I don’t want to live without you." It was my reality because I couldn't imagine my life without her by my side. My life without her in it.
"You didn't die Jason. You survive and get to live on." I expected more sadness knowing that we would be separated for decades. "There are no do overs darling. I took my life, but you saved my soul." She walked over and wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. "I don’t want to lose you, but I can't return from the dead. I will be watching you constantly. Waiting for you always and loving you endlessly."
I wrapped my fingers inside hers and it felt right. It was like our hands were meant for each other. "I don’t want to face the days without you. I was stupid to turn you away at Hazel's funeral and now I lost you again."
"From now until the day you die, you will never be without me darling. You might not see me, but I am always with you. Always loving you and waiting for you."
Hazel watched in silence then sat up and whispered, "You still have one day Jason. How you choose to spend that day is up to you."
"Can I spend them with Kristina?"
"It’s your day. You can do as you like.", Hazel said before she faded away.
I spent those twenty-four hours with Kristina and we didn't waste a second of it. We kissed as much as we could, knowing that our next kiss would be many years away. We cuddled and read Anne of Green Gables before our time was up and Kristina faded away.
Epilogue