by A. E. Murphy
He glares at me through narrowed eyes, as thin as slits. “You’re not answering. A simple yes or no would suffice.”
I stare at him, my eyes filling with tears. “I would never do that to you.”
His gaze is observing, as if waiting for a lie to reveal itself. When he’s satisfied that I’m truthful, he nods his head and holds out his hand. When I don’t go to him, his lips thin to a white line.
“I’m going to bed,” I announce quietly.
“Okay, I’ll just tidy up down here and then I’ll be up.”
“Don’t bother.” I drop my things onto the arm of the couch, promising myself that I’ll deal with them tomorrow. “Go back to ignoring me in Essex.”
“Gwen,” he whispers, his tone laced with hurt.
“Shut up saying my name like I’m the one who is hurting you!”
“What did I do?”
My jaw drops. Is he joking? “You’re tearing us apart!”
“How? I’m simply asking you a question about your actions.”
“Exactly!”
He quirks an arrogant brow. “So you never get jealous?”
“Not to that extent!” I need to stop shouting; my mum is going to hear. “I’ve never accused you of anything.”
He doesn’t deny it because he can’t.
“You’re always with other women at work, but I never say anything.”
“I’ve never been to dinner with them,” he points out, sounding almost petulant.
“It was for work!”
“Can you promise me his intentions are honest?”
With my fingertips rubbing circles on my temples, I respond, “I can’t promise anything from him because I’m not in his head, but I can promise you that he has been professional and kind ever since I started in his restaurant.”
A muscle twitches in his jaw. “Really?”
“The fact you’re questioning my honesty is really starting to piss me off, Nathan.”
We’re at a standstill, both of us staring at each other. My shoulders sag before his. “I’m tired. I had a busy night. I’ve had vodka and I have to be up early.”
“Right.”
“Don’t come to bed. I won’t welcome you,” I snarl and shoulder past him. He remains standing, his back to me as I ascend the stairs. My heart is hammering. I feel nauseous and stressed.
Why is he being such an idiot? What has gotten into him?
Suddenly he’s insecure and I don’t like it at all. I can’t live my life like this.
When I ascend the stairs with heavy, stinging eyes, Mum peeks her head out of Dillan’s room, a quizzical look on her face.
“Nathan’s home,” I whisper, though I know she’s gathered that already. Unless she thinks I’ve completely lost it and I’ve been shouting at myself. It wouldn’t be the first time, in all honesty.
Her brow furrows. “He’s early.”
I shrug. “He’s also grumpy. I’ll tell you tomorrow. I’m so tired.”
I hear Nathan’s footsteps on the stairs behind me so I hastily retreat to my bedroom, leaving the door open for him behind me.
“I’m sorry,” he says the instant he enters. Then he closes the door behind him and leans against it. “I’m sorry, Gwen. I don’t want to anger you. I’m just… I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” I say to the wall as I pull my vest from over my head and push my leggings down to my ankles.
“What the…?”
I remember the seductive underwear that I dressed myself in before work and every inch of me tenses. In our anger, I completely forgot about it. How this must look to Nathan in his tense, insecure state, I’m most definitely about to find out.
“I took pictures for you!” I spin to face him, finding his eyes hungrily eating up my scantily clad form.
“Did he see you like this?” Are the worst words he could have spoken.
“Not like how you’re thinking.” My hands are raised defensively and assertively, but I can tell he’s not going to listen to anything I have to say.
“He saw you like this?”
“It was an accident!”
“Was it?” His dangerous tone sends a shiver through me, a cold one. It also makes me pulse between my thighs with excitement.
“The lock on the door was broken.”
“He saw you like this?” His pupils are dilated fully and every inch of me he scans with his piercing gaze feels like a caress. A long, gentle, electric caress.
I want to moan, I feel so aroused. I know that’s wrong given the circumstances but I can’t help it.
“You don’t know what you do to me,” I tell him as I reach for him with a hand. “Come here.”
He doesn’t move. I can tell he’s conflicted.
“You know me,” I whisper and grasp his collar. I pull him to me and run my nose along his jaw. He smells delightful, spicy and sweet. I want to taste the bitter tang of the aftershave resting on his tightening, pebbling skin. “I want you.” My lips touch the underside of his chin. “Only you.”
“Does he know that?”
I spread my hands across his chest and move them under the shoulders of his jacket.
“Does he?”
“I’ve not had the opportunity to tell him. We’ve never been in any position where I’ve had to reject him.”
Finally, after what seems like a lifetime, he bends into me and grabs my arse with leather clad hands. I gasp a short inhale and nuzzle his neck.
“You look amazing.”
“Thank you.”
He kisses my neck and walks me backwards until my legs hit the bed. “You always look amazing.”
“Thank you,” I grin and press my chest to his tightly so I can reach his lips. “As do you. You smell good too.”
“New cologne,” he murmurs as his lips travel down my neck.
“Nice, where from?”
“It was a gift.” He lowers me onto the bed into sitting position and pushes my thighs open with his hands.
“From who?”
As he drops to his knees he begins to stammer, “From… Trevor at work.”
Trevor? “Who and why is he buying you cologne?”
“It was just a shop warming gift.”
Now I know he’s lying as he’s trying to distract me from the conversation by pulling his shirt over his head.
“A shop warming gift from a guy called Trevor?”
His eyes hit mine. “You don’t believe me?”
“I will when you’re truthful.” Why is he lying? Who bought him the cologne? Why not just say he bought it himself? I’m thoroughly confused and suddenly no longer in the mood for sex.
“I am being truthful.”
“Fine.” I push at his chest and move backwards on the bed so he can’t get me back in the mood. He frowns at the distance now between us. “Call Trevor.”
“Sorry?” I see the panic in his eyes despite the fact his tone is neutral.
“You heard me. Call Trevor and ask him to join us for dinner as a thank you for the cologne.”
His lips part and his throat bobs with a gulp. “Well he’ll be sleeping.”
“Okay, then we’ll call him in the morning.” I snap, feeling my eyes burn from the pain of his deception.
“Gwen, honey.”
“Honey?”
What the fuck?
“I…” He runs his hands through his hair.
“What’s going on with you, Nathan?” A tear falls from my eye.
“Nothing!”
“Nothing?”
“As I said,” he stands and looks away from me, “you’re paranoid.”
“I’m paranoid?” Now I’m not only heartbroken, I’m really fucking angry. “Get out.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said out!” I point at the door. “And don’t come back until you actually want to give me the respect I deserve!”
“You can’t be serious!” He looks incredulous. “Honey…”
“Stop fucking calling me that!”
<
br /> “It’s just an endearment.”
I bring a pillow to my chest to shield me from everything. “One you’ve never used. One I dislike greatly from you.”
He bites on his lip and reaches for his shirt. “I don’t know what you want from me, Gwen.”
“The truth, Nathan. Or leave.”
“Or leave?”
“Yes.”
“As in… over?” His voice cracks on the final word.
“I can’t be with a liar.” My heart shatters when he pulls his shirt on and looks around for his jacket. Panic sets in and my resolve weakens immediately. “You’re actually going?”
“I don’t know what you want from me.” His voice is quiet and pitiful, his body language oozing defeat, and despite my anger, I find myself softening, wanting to take away his pain. Pain that he’s bringing on himself, mind you.
“You’re breaking me, Nathan.”
“Tell me what to do.”
“Tell me the truth.”
“You’d never understand,” he states to my eyes and no longer is he breaking me because now I’m officially broken.
“Get out,” I sniff, holding the pillow to me so tightly my arms ache.
“Nothing is that simple, Gwen. I need time.”
“So do I,” I whisper and my meaning isn’t lost on him. “Especially with regard to the fact that your accusations are too many and too often and you’re the one with the secrets.” My trembling hand moves to my mouth to hide my quivering lips.
He takes a step towards me and raises a trembling hand. “Please, Gwen… please. Don’t do this.”
“Don’t you do this.”
“I need you.”
My following laugh is harsh and cold. “If you needed me, you’d talk to me.”
“I will, just… not yet.”
“I can’t wait that long. I won’t survive it.”
He lowers his hand and stares at me as I stare at the curtained window. This is how we remain for the longest time. It feels like a lifetime passes before he speaks. “I won’t survive leaving you.”
Leaving?
I meant for him to sleep on the couch, not to actually leave. I assumed I’d just blank him for a while but it seems his mind has other options.
“Is that the only option?” I croak, looking at him through swollen eyes.
Please don’t let it be the only option.
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand!”
“I… I can’t,” he sighs and turns to the door.
All of me, every single ounce of me and my soul, ache to race after him as he leaves. Every step I hear as he walks further and further away from me forces a tear from my eyes. Then the door closes and I find my body trembling violently with sorrow.
He just left.
He just walked away.
The morning comes, though sleep evades me until the sun greys the morning sky. In zombie mode, I leave Mum with the kids, all the while evading her questions, and then set off to take my car in for its MOT and service. My mind is a warring mess and my fear of my failing relationship makes every move I make feel forced and jittery. Nausea bubbles in my stomach making me unable to eat.
I can’t cope with this. Why is he doing this?
Have I been wrong all along? Is it him that’s seeing somebody else? Does she call him Honey so much that now he says it too?
Now I feel even worse so I find an excuse to make contact with him.
Gwen: Car is in for repair. What’s going on for tomorrow? You promised me you’d be here for Sasha’s birthday.
I get no response. I didn’t expect to get one. This also makes me cry. I’m so sick of crying.
“He’s not going to come,” I say to mum when I finally arrive home.
“Who?”
“Nathan.” I rub my eyes, hating how tired and upset I must look.
She looks concerned. I would too if I were in her shoes.
“He won’t let you down.” She rests her hand on my arm and it soothes me, though only a little. “He loves you. That man has never done a thing to hurt you in the entire time I’ve known him.”
“He’s…” Wiping my nose on a tissue, I shake my head and try to, again, figure out what my fiancé is going through. “He’s changed, Mum. He’s not the same as he was.”
“Surely it’s not that bad? Maybe he’s just tired?”
“No, he’s keeping something from me.”
When she rolls her eyes I want to get angry at her. She doesn’t know what I’m going through to judge me like that.
“I’m serious!” I snap, emotional from all that’s happened.
“You both need to sit down and talk about it. Kicking each other out in the middle of the night won’t help anything.”
My jaw hits the floor. “I didn’t kick him out of anything but the bedroom!”
“Still…”
“Would you be able to sleep next to a man who suddenly starts calling you new names? All the while lying to your face and telling you that you wouldn’t understand.”
“Gwen,” she says softly. “I don’t want to fight with you.”
“I don’t want to fight with anybody,” I cry and my shoulders sag. “What if he doesn’t come home?”
“He will.”
“What if his new girlfriend is nicer than me?”
“He doesn’t have a new girlfriend.”
“How would you know?”
She pauses and peeks around the doorway to check on the kids who are both watching the TV. When she’s satisfied they’re occupied, she leads me into the kitchen and pulls out her phone.
“What are you doing?”
“Asking Dave if he knows any good private investigators.”
“You’re not serious?” I almost laugh at the ridiculousness of it.
She shrugs. “You want to know if he’s cheating?”
“Well…”
“Then what’s the issue?”
“It’s so invasive.” I admit but I can’t help that the thought is enticing.
She grins. “It’s not invasive to him if he doesn’t find out.”
Oh my God, she’s terrible. I laugh a little. “I’m not spying on him.”
“Suit yourself, but he just texted me three numbers. I’ll forward them to you in case you change your mind.”
“You’re insane.” I point at her and then move to the kettle. “Coffee?”
“Please. Ooh! This guy’s not too pricey.” She holds her phone up to my face, showing me the website of one of the contenders.
“Stop!” I giggle, pushing her arm away so that I can reach the sink to pour water into the kettle.
“What’s the big deal? You need to put your mind at rest and he’s not being forthcoming. Just give it some thought. I won’t say anything if you don’t.”
I pretend to ignore her, not wanting to admit that her words are ringing through my mind like a harmonious symphony of bells. “Two or three sugars today?”
“One, I’m being extra good.”
“Two it is.”
“You know me well.”
If only I knew my fiancé well.
Gwen: We really need to talk about all of this.
Nathan has never let me down. Never. Surely he wouldn’t let me down with something so important to me?
Gwen: You can’t just leave. You’re completely overreacting. It’s unfair. So unfair! Why are you hurting me like this?
Nathan: Why are you hurting me? Why am I always the villain in every piece?
Gwen: What are you talking about?! I haven’t done anything!
Nathan: He fancies you.
This is infuriating. My palms begin to sweat as I become angrier by the second.
Gwen: He doesn’t! You’re being silly and that’s beside the point!
Mum: Smile.
I look up from my phone and find her staring at me from across the room. I’m neglecting them all. I need to calm down.
“Sorry.”
“It’ll work out, Chicken. You’ll see.” She sweetly reassures me, her lips tipping up with a kind smile. “Things just seem dreadful in the moment. In a few weeks you’ll look back and laugh. I promise.”
“I doubt it,” I mutter and slide onto the floor to play with my children.
If anyone can make me feel better, it’s them.
“He’ll come home later; he’s just busy and distracted. If he weren’t working, he’d have come back by now.”
Something tells me she’s wrong, though I really wish she was right.
When I arrive at work, a horrid nagging feeling in my gut, I crack on and ignore all distractions. Kerim included. Not including when he asks things of me with regard to the kitchen; he’s still my boss after all.
I’m upset and annoyed that with all the Nathan drama I didn’t get the chance to celebrate Kerim asking me to join him in business. That should have been such a happy and proud moment for me. I didn’t even speak to Mum about it and Nathan certainly never gave me the chance. He’d probably only tell me it’s because of the fact Kerim wants me and not because I’ve put in so much hard work. I can’t handle being dismissed in that sense, not while I’m feeling so fragile. It’d push me over the edge with Nathan. Our relationship would plummet.
“Hasn’t it already plummeted though?” I ask myself quietly as I sauté potatoes. The hissing sound the butter makes when dropped in the oil is a strangely pleasant sound.
Maybe Mum was right. The last time Nathan held something back from me it was terrible and it wasn’t even about him. I can now rationalise why he didn’t tell me about Caleb. It would have done me no good to know while I was so weak and deeply grieving. This time… what could it be? If he isn’t having an affair then what is it that he’s so frightened to tell me?
I’m told to go on break. I consider it a moment of fate and grasp my phone the first chance I get. Then I scroll down to the text from Mum and look at the three numbers she forwarded with names.
I call the first one before I can convince myself not to.
“Jackson’s office, who’s calling please?” Comes a soothing female voice after a couple of rings.
“Hi there, I’m umm… I’m Gwen and I…” Christ this is stupid. I clear my throat. “I’m sorry.”