by A. E. Murphy
“Yeah.” My hands tuck my hair behind my ears. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good, on time?”
“On time.”
“Have a good night, Gwen.”
“Goodnight, Kerim.”
He walks me to the door and watches me to my car. Just before I climb in he yells, “Don’t be late!”
“I won’t.” Although I’m not sure what is going to happen now with regard to childcare.
Why can’t my life just be as easy as it was while I was pregnant with Emily? I was so happy then. Things were calm, stable, settled. Nathan was a dream. We were in heaven.
How do I approach this?
The man I love and trusted with my life is a liar and has been taking my children around a monster without speaking to me. What is wrong with him? Why would he hurt us like this?
I make it home and the house is dark. This is good. I don’t think I can fake it tonight. What I need is sleep and a clearer mind. Maybe I should write a list to tackle as I talk to him. Will it do any good?
I’m so terrified of everything that is going on with us. I have this horrible churning in my gut that whatever happens next is going to break us so badly there will be no return.
All I can see in my future is myself alone, two kids to two different fathers, a failed career and grey hairs before my time. So bleak and scary.
Have I given up on him already? What else can I do? The trust between us is shattered. I don’t see how this can be excused or rationalised.
Every part of me wants to avoid Nathan right now. I’ve never felt this way before. I don’t want to climb into bed beside him, though I know I have to. Until I figure how to go about this, I need to act normal. He can’t know that I know. I need to see this for myself and catch him with her. He’ll be too flustered to lie anymore and I’ll be too angry and focused for him to convince me that this is my fault.
After I reach our bedroom, I stare at his sleeping form and visualise myself shaking the answers out of him. Words would fall from his skin, answering all my questions with perfect truth. If only questions could be answered this way.
Nathan grumbles quietly in his sleep, sprawled on his front, his face directed towards the window. I slip out of my clothes and into my pyjamas as silently as possible.
Every grunt that Nathan seems to make in his sleep has me wanting the couch. The thought of his arms around me at this point makes me want to cry.
Carefully I pull back the blanket and tuck myself into a ball right on the edge, as far away from him as possible. My mind, though a torrent of thoughts, soon settles in its exhaustion and darkness claims me.
“Daaaaaaaa!” Dillan squeals and I feel Nathan shift beside me. “DAAAAAAADDDDYYY!”
“I’ll go,” Nathan whispers and kisses the shell of my ear. “Don’t open your eyes; you had a late night.”
I do as I’m told, mostly because my eyes are filling with tears. How can such a perfect man be so imperfect? Does he know how badly his lies are going to break my heart? Does he honestly think I’m never going to find out?
Staying in bed because I just don’t have the strength to exit it yet, I listen as he chases Dillan around downstairs. Emily must still be sleeping, the lazy git that she is. Part of me wants to go back to before the phone call yesterday. Why did I have to answer it?
When I do finally get up it’s as Nathan is coming to collect Emily. He kisses my cheek, pinches the skin of my hip and opens the bathroom door for me.
I can do this. Chanting this to my reflection in the mirror, I grip the basin with both hands and then mentally pep talk myself. He’s been living a lie for months now; I can handle just three more days.
Chapter Twenty
The days don’t exactly fly by but it’s easy enough to pretend that things are normal. That is until Wednesday comes around. Watching him leave with my children, knowing where he’s going with them, makes me want to claw at something. He seemed so normal, so at ease with his lies.
But then again, so did I. When I told him I was definitely working tonight, it fell from my lips so easily and tasted bitter on my tongue. I’ve never been a liar and when I’ve tried I’ve never been good at it. Because of this, he could sense something was wrong. I could tell because he kept giving me glances when he thought I wasn’t looking. Fortunately, he didn’t bring up his outing today beyond reminding me of the time and I didn’t ask because I was worried I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool. It sliced through me like a knife through butter when he acted as though today was just another normal day.
Even though I’m inwardly raging, I manage to calm myself down enough to follow him to his destination. I already know where he’s going, but I don’t want to risk missing any changes in his plans so I stick as close behind him as possible without him noticing.
My heart is such a frantic melody, I feel like I’m the one doing something wrong and maybe I’m going about this completely the wrong way, but I can’t help it. I’m doing this alone. Maybe I should have spoken to somebody first, Sasha or Tommy or even my mum. I just don’t feel as though they’d understand without knowing Nathan’s background and I’d never out him like that to them.
“Fuck,” I cry as we finally pull into a playground in Edmonton, London, quite far from where we live and never an area I must cut through to get to work so there’s no risk of me catching him.
He put a lot of thought into this web of lies.
Parking isn’t too difficult and I wait for him to get himself and my babies out before I pull into my chosen spot, only a few cars down from his. I love seeing how much he loves the kids; he’s holding Dillan’s hand as he skips along beside him, kicking up the grass as he goes. Emily is balanced on his hip; she’s lazy and so happy to be carried everywhere at the moment. Her dad is too happy to oblige.
Climbing from my car, I rest against it, watching as he cuts across the grass to the playground. Kids run riot, their parents close by. He’s never brought me to this park before, though it’s not that different from the one near our house.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end and I know that I’m in the presence of a demon. I feel her before I see her and when I do see her I have to press my back against the side of my car to remind myself why it’s a bad idea to launch myself at her and rip her hair out.
The kids don’t rush to her, both too eager to play in the park. This makes me feel a little bit smug. At least she hasn’t fooled them, not yet anyway.
Nathan doesn’t go to embrace her either. They share a few words. She smiles at him warmly and places a hand on his arm. He shifts away, clearly uncomfortable with the contact.
This is insane. Why is she back in his life? What does she want from him?
I feel like a crazy stalker as I watch them interact, trying to build the courage to let them know that I’m there. Should I? Or should I just let them have their hour and then approach Nathan later?
Tears fall from my eyes as I try to figure out my reasoning behind all my choices and all of his.
“What am I doing?” I ask myself and slam the palm of my hand onto the roof of my car. As I pull the door open and climb back in, I hold tightly to the steering wheel until whiteness bleeds into my knuckles. Putting the car in gear after turning the key, I give one last glance to the man I thought I knew. Unfortunately, as if my scent carried on the wind, Nathan whips around and his startled eyes hit mine. I see them fill with regret and panic but I don’t linger.
“Gwen!” I see him mouth and take a step in my direction.
I should drive away but I can’t find the courage to, so instead I wait for him to reach my car. He pulls on the handle as I keep my eyes ahead on the children. That vile bitch is watching us, her face twisted with faux concern.
“Open the door,” Nathan orders softly.
I wind the window down instead, still refusing to look at him.
“I can explain but I need to get back to the kids.” When I don’t look at him, he reaches through the window
to guide my face in his direction. I pull away; his fingers against my skin feel poisonous. “Baby,” his plea is a mournful whisper. “I’m sorry.”
“I know,” I murmur and put the car into gear. “So am I.”
“Why are you sorry?” He leans forward so as to see me better and I lean sideways so as to avoid him better.
“Because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you for this.” Tears fall and a sob tears its way up my throat, clogging it with a lump I just can’t swallow.
“I…” He presses his forehead to his hands that rest on the empty window frame. “I’ll get the kids and meet you at home.”
“No,” I snap, shaking my head, my eyes on my beautiful babies racing around the park with such joy. His mum stands off to the side looking awkward and too formal for a park. She looks suited for a wedding party, not a muddy play area. “I’ll get the kids.”
“The car seats are in my car; it makes no sense to swap it all over when I’m going straight home to you,” he implores, his voice low and soft.
I nod my agreement, still avoiding eye contact. As much as I want to snatch my children away from this situation, it wouldn’t be good for them.
He backs up, still staring at my profile before turning and calling for the kids. When he stops to speak to his mother and points at the car, I see her place a hand on her chest. Whatever she says has Nathan shaking his head and pulling away as she reaches for him. She looks over at me and the glare she throws my way is pure poison, so I raise my middle finger and smile sardonically at the stuck-up bitch.
I also don’t leave until Nathan has my kids back in the car and is taking the lead home. I never should have let it get this far. It’s unfair that the kids are now suffering because of us. They’ll forgive me when I pull out the craft box. I hope.
My home seems such a soul sucking place as I walk through the door with Emily in my arms. Nathan and I haven’t spoken and we don’t speak as we cross the threshold and place the children in the living room. As silently promised, I pull out the baby safe craft box and smile when they cheer with glee.
Nathan waits for me in the hallway, his face a grim mask.
“You need to leave,” I demand softly, not meeting his eyes.
“What?” He breathes, his body stiffening immediately. “We just need to talk…”
“I don’t want to listen.” My whispered words fall from my mouth faster than tears fall from my eyes.
“Gwen…” His hands cup my face. I don’t push him away; I let him search my eyes. I want him to see the pain he has inflicted. “I’m sorry I lied.”
“I guess that’s okay then.” My voice is a dull note as my hands wrap around his wrists to either side of my face. “It’s all fixed.”
“You don’t understand.”
I push his hands outwards away from me and wipe the wetness from under my eyes.
“Leave.”
There’s a loud knock at the door. It recurs for at least seven seconds before either of us make a move to answer it. Instead we stand, staring at one another, my stare full of heartbreak, Nathan’s full of regret.
When he opens the door I see him close his eyes and his lips thin to a white line before I look from his profile to the person knocking.
“What is she doing here?” I angrily growl, my eyes on Nathan and not on the hideous creature standing on my doorstep.
“I don’t know.” He blows out a breath and barks, “Did you follow us?”
“I wanted to help.” His mother responds and I scoff incredulously.
“You’re not helping,” Nathan whispers and goes to close the door, but her hand reaches out and presses against the wood.
“We have a huge bridge to build.” She says this to me, her eyes gentle and seeming sincere.
“Well then you can both build one together, behind my back. You seem to have been doing a brilliant job so far!”
“We really need to talk about this,” Nathan implores, turning to me with his hand still on the door handle. “Let me explain.”
My jaw hits the floor. “Explain what, exactly? I know what’s been going on and I’m beyond caring why.”
“Please.”
“You don’t get it,” I snap. “The fact you didn’t trust me to be understanding is…” I glare at his mother. “I’m not doing this in front of her.”
“You’re being very childish,” she remarks.
How dare she? I’m being childish?
“Are you kidding me?” I snarl and Nathan’s hand grips my trembling bicep. “Get off.”
“This is spiralling; you’re getting mad.” His hand tries to pull me back into the house. “Mother, you need to leave.”
“You both need to leave.” I pull my arm free and peer into the room where the kids are drawing all over a black mat with their multi-coloured blocks of chalk.
“I didn’t deceive you because I wanted to.” Nathan completely ignores my wishes. I can feel a stress headache begin to throb in my temples. “We didn’t.” He points between himself and his mother. “I didn’t mean to cause you pain.”
“Well you did.”
“And what of the pain you inflicted on Nathan?” Patricia puts in, her face twisted with a scowl.
“Sorry?” Confusion is the most prominent thing I feel at present, followed shortly by anger. “Have you been discussing our relationship with her?”
“No.” Nathan’s eyes widen. “What are you talking about? What pain?”
“He doesn’t need to tell me; every time I see him it’s been obvious. He’s always so tired, especially considering you won’t accept help from outside sources. Poor Nathan is running himself ragged,” she sneers, sounding every bit as pompous as she looks.
“Excuse me?” I hiss, my fists clenched by my side.
“Mother,” Nathan snaps. “That’s not true. It was I who refused help.”
“A real woman would have noticed and called for help anyway. There’s no excuse.”
How dare she question my parenting? How dare she? “I’m going to punch her in the fucking face,” I snarl, taking an aggressive step towards her.
“Gwen.” Nathan grabs my arm to stop me from unleashing my wrath. “That’s hardly helping.”
“Sorry?” I turn to him, my mouth hanging open in horror. “You’re defending her?”
“No, of course not, I just…”
“You just what?”
“She’s changed.”
“Because she wants something from you,” I yell after relinquishing a harsh laugh. Why can’t he see reason? “She allowed you to be abused for years.”
“Abused?” Patricia questions, acting the picture of innocence.
“She was under a lot of stress with Caleb’s health.”
“THAT’S NO FUCKING EXCUSE!”
“Gwen…”
“No!” I raise my hand to silence him and turn to the evil woman in my presence. I hate myself for losing control but I can’t help it. “If you even step within a million feet of my children again, I will kill you.” She blanches, probably seeing how serious I am and I am deadly serious. No pun intended. “You stay away from them.”
Nathan frowns. “It’s my decision too.”
“No, I’m taking that away from you until you come to your senses.”
“Excuse me?” His tone is dark and dangerous.
“You heard me, Nathan. I take away your rights, all of them, until you grow the fuck up.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” he spits bitterly, stepping into my space. “They’re my kids too.”
“And you’re willing to endanger them.”
“You can’t keep them from me.”
“Oh I can. If you insist this vile being must see them, then you can take me to court and trust me when I say I will air EVERYTHING.” His face visibly pales and I hate myself for hurting him this way. “To protect my kids, there’s little I wouldn’t do.”
“If you take those kids away from me, Guinevere, I will never forgive you.”
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“And if you choose her over us, I’ll never forgive you either.” I respond honestly, hurt by his words so badly that tears spill down my cheeks as I speak mine. “But then again, after your deceptions I’m not sure I could forgive you anyway.”
“You’re being unfair,” he says, gripping my arms to stop me from turning away. “You’re being entirely unreasonable.”
“If that’s true then the courts will see that too, won’t they?”
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Me neither,” Patricia snaps, her hands on her hips.
“Just go!” Nathan yells at her and then closes the door in her surprised face. “Gwen, let’s calm down. This has all been entirely blown out of proportion.”
“So you keep saying.” I move away from him, checking on the kids again. Dillan spots me and smiles before throwing a plastic tube that rattles at me. Smiling, I wrinkle my nose up at him and then return my attention to Nathan. “I need you to leave.”
“I’m not leaving you.”
“You don’t have a choice.” Hands come to touch me but I step backwards. “Leave.”
“Why? I’m sorry, but you have to understand it from my point of view. I know how much you hate her.”
“With good reason!” I cry. “My God… I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
“I could say the same.”
“You don’t trust me with something so important that you lie to my face to conceal it.” I prod his chest. He snatches my hand the second I do and holds it tightly to him. “Let go.”
“Listen…”
“No. I’m done listening.”
“You haven’t started yet.”
“You’re right.” Yanking free from him, I walk to the door and fumble with the key to unlock it for ten seconds before I realise it’s already unlocked. “The time for listening was months ago, before you started sneaking around.”
“To see my mother, not to have an affair.”
“And after all she has done, I’m not entirely sure what’s worse.”
I yank the door open but his hand comes over my shoulder and presses it shut again. “We’ve hardly seen each other; I didn’t know how you’d receive it all.”