by A. E. Murphy
“If you want to have a relationship with that bitch then by all means, go ahead, but how dare you bring my kids into it.”
“Stop calling them your kids; they’re our kids and I’d never do anything to hurt them.”
I shake my head. “Once upon a time I’d have believed that.”
He spins me around and presses me back against the door, violently enough to shock me but not hurt me. “You question my parenting?”
“I question your sanity and I also question your love and respect.”
“My love and respect?” His eyes twinkle with anger. “I break my back to make you happy!”
“Wow,” I breathe, hardly able to believe my own ears. “You break your back to make me happy? You say that as though I’ve asked for it or as though it’s a bad thing you’re forced to do?”
“Now you’re just picking a fight.”
“I just want you to leave.”
“Do you really?”
“Yes.”
“Prove it.”
“Is this suddenly a game to you?” I snap. “What part of ‘I don’t trust you anymore’ is so hard to grasp?”
“I’ll regain your trust.”
“I don’t want you to!” I yell, this time shoving his chest so he steps backwards out of my space.
His handsome face falls blank and his chin raises defiantly. “You don’t want me?”
“I don’t know you.”
“You don’t want me?” He repeats harshly. “You don’t trust me?”
“No.”
His hand snags the collar of his jacket and yanks it down, revealing the scar that he received two blissful years ago. “You don’t trust this?”
“I can’t believe you’re holding this against me.”
Ignoring my words he spits, “If you truly don’t trust me, return the ring.”
My heart falters painfully and for a moment I worry it has stopped. The finality of what he’s asking hurts but my hand immediately reaches for my ring finger and begins to twist and tug the smooth piece of jewellery over my knuckles.
His breathing stops and watery eyes come to mine. “That was too easy.” He yanks the ring from my hand and throws it onto the ground behind him. “Too easy. You didn’t want this, did you?”
I move to the right but he grips my forearms and pushes them up to my chest, pinning me against the wall.
“You didn’t want any of this. That’s why you put off marrying me. You were going to leave me; I remember. I’ve always had my doubts. We never came to a conclusion on any of it before the fire. You got pregnant.”
I try to tug free as his hands hold tighter to my wrists, causing a burning discomfort to stretch my skin. “Let go of me.”
He doesn’t; he continues his ridiculous heart wrenching ramblings. “We almost died. That’s the only reason you stayed with me, isn’t it? That and because of Emily? Did I force your hand? Did you feel guilty that we almost died?”
I’ve never seen this side to him before. I don’t know what to do. I feel panicked as he holds me tighter still, crushing my wrists in his hands to my chest.
“I could never be him.”
“Nathan, you’re hurting me,” I say calmly, trying to diffuse the situation. There has never been a time like this in our relationship that I’ve felt scared of him, not since I found out about his life of abuse and he punched the wall beside my head. Was that a warning of things to come?
“And now, now you just throw me away so easily.” He releases my wrists, not wincing when I rub one and then the other to help relieve the ache. “Now you’ve found an untainted man who can cook, somebody you share passion with. Yet another perfect fucking heart throb for Gwen, just like Caleb was.”
“Stop,” I order, trying to escape the cage of his arms.
“You didn’t even hesitate!” He shouts and I hear the pain in his voice. “It’s clear now though. I’ll become the weekend dad, looking after your kids while you go and fuck my friend. Something tells me that was your plan all along.”
My hand whips around and with a loud crack it connects with his cheek. My palm tingles and aches with the force of it and Nathan staggers back a step with the force of his head turning.
We both hear a peculiar crunching sound with his step and both of us look down as he lifts his booted foot, revealing a bent and broken ring.
“Figures,” he laughs and bends to pick up the broken sign of our commitment. “If that’s not a sign then I don’t know what is. Maybe I can make it into a charm and you can put it on your necklace besides Caleb’s ring.”
“You’ve lost your mind,” I sob, rubbing my chest with the very hand I struck him with. He’s never been so cruel in all of the time that we’ve been together.
“Probably.” He pockets the damaged ring and stares at me in the eyes. I can’t tell what he’s thinking or feeling. The carefully guarded mask that he once used constantly is in place. I’m too angry to try and tear it off. “As promised, I’ll leave.”
“I think that’s best.”
“Daddy!” Dillan comes diving into the hallway and immediately latches onto his father’s leg. Emily toddles in shortly afterwards, covered in chalk. I manage to laugh a little at the state of her. I’m unsure how; I’ve never felt worse. “Emy pull ma hair.”
“Emily,” I chastise when Nathan doesn’t say anything. Upon looking up, I notice his swollen, sad yet still achingly beautiful eyes on me. “Just go, Nathan.”
“As you wish,” he hisses and when his breath hitches, my chest stabs with the most powerful ache. “I love you with every fibre of my being, Guinevere. Why can’t you just feel the same?”
He exits the house, leaving me winded and cold and none of it is because of the breeze.
“Daddy gone now?”
“He’s gone to work,” I lie and lift my boy into my arms.
“Yes,” he says cutely as his little hands stroke the back of my hair. “Daddy work with sparkly.”
“That’s right, baby.” My teeth find my trembling lower lip and pin it between them.
“Sparkly, shiny, wings and waces.”
“Shall we tidy the room?” I whisper and nuzzle my nose against his.
What am I going to do about work? How will I explain this to anybody?
The night passes slowly and I’m relieved when the children go to bed, though not so relieved when I notice Nathan hasn’t been in touch at all. I’m not sure why I’m expecting him to. I guess I just feel wronged and feel as though he should be grovelling a little. It’s messed up, I know that. The last thing I want to do is inflict pain on him but I need to follow my heart and head and both of those aren’t in this relationship right now. I can’t be with a liar. It hurts too much. Caleb damaged me for life.
Nathan’s words swim around my mind, echoing over and over again. Does he truly feel so little for me?
Does he really think I only wanted him out of obligation to the fact he nearly died and I was pregnant with his child?
Why has he never spoken to me about these worries? It’s unfair that he’s suddenly blaming me for all of this now without giving me any chance to defend myself. I love him, with all of my heart I love him. How can he not see that? He makes me happier than anyone. Even Caleb. Every moment with Nathan is full of such fiery passionate sparks. It’s just a shame he can’t get past his insecurities for long enough to realise that.
Gwen: Can you by any chance have the kids while I work tomorrow?
Jeanine: Of course, is everything okay?
Gwen: It could be better. Shall I bring them to you and pick them up the next morning or would you like to come here? I really appreciate it. I owe you so much.
Jeanine: Not at all. Bring them to me. I’ll take those little beauties out for the day. Don’t you worry about a thing.
Gwen: Thank you so much; you’re the best.
Jeanine: I know ;)
A weight has lifted now that I’m sorted for work tomorrow. Thankfully. It’s a question of what else
I’m going to do until this is resolved that has me worried.
I don’t want to keep the kids from their father but until his head is sorted, it’s probably best that he remains absent for a while. When he’s in a better frame of mind I know he’ll understand.
I am just so sorry that it has come to this.
Chapter Twenty-One
“It’s so good to see you.” Jeanine hugs me tight, her arms around me and Emily who tries to push her away in protest.
“You too,” I grin, though it falls flat. I didn’t sleep well last night and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Jeanine looks at me with concern, her warm eyes help to alleviate the tension I feel.
“What’s wrong?” She asks and I shake my head to alleviate the throbbing in my throat. Sensing my need to take a moment, she removes Emily from my arms and ushers Dillan into the room.
“You have a full house,” I grin, waving to her daughter Jennifer and her son Tyler. “How are you, Jen?”
“I’m great, thank you, yourself?”
“Brilliant.”
She smiles a smile so similar to her mother’s and takes the toy train Dillan hands to her. “Do you want to play?”
“Would you mind keeping an eye on the kids while I help Gwen with her things?” Jeanine asks quietly, her soft hand on my arm.
“I can help and you stay?” Jen suggests but Jeanine waves her off and replies, “Not at all. We have much to discuss, two birds one stone.”
“Go ahead then. These little cuties will be fine with Tyler and I, won’t you?”
My kids ignore her, far too enthralled by the many toys available. Jen and I share a smile before I exit the room after her mother.
“Okay, let’s get their stuff from the car.” Jeanine follows me to the boot and helps me lift their individual backpacks and double buggy out. “Now, let’s dump this in the hallway and you can follow me into the kitchen for what looks like a well needed cup of coffee.”
“Thank you.”
“So, what’s happened?”
“What didn’t happen would be a shorter list.”
“Oh dear.” We place the bags and cot at the bottom of the stairs. “Come on, let’s boil that kettle.”
“Sounds great.” I find a seat at the round wooden table in her kitchen and turn a chair to face her. “Nathan has left.”
The spoon in her hand clatters onto the worktop and she spins to face me. Nothing but the sound of the kettle hissing as it heats can be heard in the stillness of the kitchen.
“I made him leave,” I clarify so she doesn’t think it was all his fault. “And I don’t think he’s going to be coming back for anything other than to be a father and at the moment, even that hangs in the balance.”
“Oh good lord! What on earth has happened?”
My eyes burn, familiar tears threatening to spill over my cheeks. “It’s complicated.”
“When isn’t a break up complicated?” She turns to the cupboards and pulls out two cups from the one by her head. When she turns back to me I see the sadness in her eyes. “You both love each other so much.”
“I know. He’s changed,” I whisper, wishing I never had to say the words out loud. “His insecurities are too hard to penetrate and he won’t even let me try. All he does is lie to me.”
“Well that just won’t do.”
“No it really won’t.”
“Is he going through something? Depression perhaps?”
I shrug. “Maybe, I’m not sure. He won’t talk to me and he won’t seek help. Well not from anybody but his mother anyway.”
“His mother?” She squawks, looking as shocked as I did when I first found out about their secret outings.
Nodding, I watch as she stirs the drinks and adds milk. “Like I said, it’s complicated.”
“It sounds it. Do you want to tell me more?”
“I do, oh how I want to just let everything off my chest…” A ragged sigh leaves me and even though my chest deflates it feels as though a weight is pressing on it. “I can’t. He’d never forgive me if I were to bare his secrets, even to you.”
“That is something I understand.” She hands me my drink and places a gentle touch to my shoulder. “It’ll all work out, you’ll see.”
“I sure hope you’re right.”
“It will; you’ve been through worse.”
I don’t think we have but I don’t say this. It all seems so hopeless and I miss him so much. If it weren’t for the children I don’t think I would have gotten out of bed this morning.
Should I text him? Should I extend the first branch?
No. I need to let this sit for a while, as crazy as it will drive me. We need space to organise our thoughts. This is all going to come to a head eventually and I’m not sure poking the bear at this point will help us resolve anything.
Or maybe it’s my need to shy away from conflict that is making me weak?
Am I weak? How does one spot weakness in themselves when weakness is overcome with strength?
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t have an answer for that.” Sipping my drink I rest back and close my eyes. Jeanine moves behind me and plays with the ends of my hair. It’s one of the nicest feelings in the world.
“It’ll all work out. You and Nathan are such a lovely couple and he loves you more than the earth.”
“I know he does; I just wish he knew that I felt the same.”
“Have you told him that?”
“I thought I had,” I murmur. “There’s only so much a person with deep set insecurities can absorb, I guess?”
“He’ll get past it.”
“Probably. Will I, though? There’s only so much a deceived person can take before they lose the ability to trust.”
“You’ll heal. He just has to step up and show you he can be different.”
Too right. “I don’t think he’s going to.”
“Silly man. I’m so sorry, Gwen.” She releases my hair and pinches my cheek. “You get off and go have a nap before you have to start work. You look wiped.”
“I am,” I honestly reply. “Though I doubt I’ll be finding solace in sleep anytime soon.”
“You’ll work it out. I have faith.”
I’m glad somebody does. “Thank you again for having the babes. I pray they’re well behaved.”
“Nonsense, they’re just babies. They don’t know how to be naughty on purpose.”
I wish that were true. Laughing a little, I hug my friend and allow her to lead me from the house. Such a long drive home lies ahead of me. It feels daunting knowing that I’m escaping to an empty house, one that brings me nought but pain at present, although the house can’t really be to blame in this scenario.
“Screw it,” I whisper to myself as I put the car into drive with only one destination in mind. Sleep won’t help me now; keeping busy will. I just know that if I go home to a house that smells of Nathan, I won’t be able to resist calling him and begging for him to come home. Life seems bleak without him but it also seems bleak with him when I think about how he’s made me feel lately.
“You are three hours early,” Kerim comments when I walk out of the staff area. I managed to avoid his view upon entry. The kitchen is empty save for Kerim and Patience working on updating the menu. They were both absorbed by what they were doing.
“Is that a problem, Chef?” I inwardly plead that it isn’t but keep my face blank so he doesn’t feel pressured into allowing me into his kitchen.
“Not at all, I could use your insight.” I nod and tighten my jacket as he assesses me in my uniform. “You’ve lost weight.”
My clothes have been feeling looser. “I’ve been working hard.”
“It hasn’t gone unnoticed.” He winks and steps to the side so I can see what he and Patience are working on. They have notes scattered around numerous saucepans on the counter. I’ve never been a part of the menu creation. This is exciting. “Try them all. Sniff them, taste them, try the texture on a spoon and let us k
now which one you favour.”
I do so, tasting the different flavoured soups. There are so many that are tasty, it’s hard to know which one to choose. That is until I taste a certain type of vegetable soup that is divine. I’ve never tried a soup like it.
“That one,” I tell them both without hesitation. “I want to eat the whole pan.”
Kerim claps and yanks the spoon from my hand to try it himself. “I told you, Patience.”
“I still think the lentil soup would be better,” she grumbles, but he ignores her.
I help to clean as he finds the recipe in the notes and sets about making another batch for when the others come in. That’ll be a while yet.
“Why are you here so early?” Patience hisses and I know she’s going to be annoyed with me purely because I’ve interrupted her private time with Kerim. When is she going to make her move? How can she live like this? I’d be losing my mind pining for somebody for so long.
“That’s not your business why she is here early,” Kerim snaps, clearly having overheard her. We both jump at the sound of his voice, me even more so when he moves behind me and places an arm across my shoulders. “She is welcome in this kitchen anytime.”
I don’t respond. I can’t be bothered with more drama, so instead I ask, “Does this mean we can finally be rid of that awful fish and cabbage dish?”
“Hell yes,” Kerim agrees. “What was I thinking?”
“We can’t all be perfect all of the time.”
His smile turns into a shit eating grin. “You think I’m perfect?”
“I think you’re going to get slapped if you don’t stop bothering me.” I remark haughtily but it only seems to garner laughter from him. He has a pleasant laugh, a contagious one. I smile with him, though it’s weak in comparison to his, which lingers long after his laughter has ceased. “Okay, so, let’s find a nice fish replacement for that mess.”
“Yes, Chef.” Kerim salutes and practically skips to the pantry. “How about seabass?”
“That does seem to be popular at the moment.”