by A. E. Murphy
Shrugging, I remove Emily from his arms and place her in the highchair. Dillan comes racing in as soon as he hears the fridge open. I give them both a yoghurt each and smile when they fall instantly silent.
“Anything you want to tell me about that?” Nathan presses, seeming nervous.
“I’ve been working.”
“Why so late?”
“We’re building a new menu so I’ve been staying to help prep.”
He nods and licks his lower lip. It glistens and I miss kissing it so badly. When he realises I’m staring, his pupils dilate and I know he feels the same.
“With everyone?”
“Why are you questioning me?” I sigh, knowing exactly where this conversation is going.
His brow quirks as he snaps, “You’ve been alone with Kerim.”
“And so it begins,” I laugh humourlessly. “This is one of the reasons I haven’t spoken to you at all these past couple of weeks.”
“I have a right to know.”
“No you don’t,” I whisper shout. “Not anymore. You lost that right!”
The tension between us thickens and I can see Nathan battling with the urge to retaliate. He doesn’t. He turns and leaves the room to calm down and I’m glad for it. When he comes back in, he helps me to clean the kids up but doesn’t talk again at all before I leave for work.
This isn’t getting any easier. At all.
As the work day draws on, I lose interest in it and find myself thinking back to my own mum’s visit a couple of weeks ago. She’s glowing and so in love. I wish I’d seen her like this as I was growing up. She was also so helpful around the house that when it came time for her to leave, I hid her suitcase. To say she was impressed would be a complete lie. It was funny though.
“Staying late again tonight?” Kerim asks quietly as he passes my station.
I nod. “If that’s okay. I need to make a cake for my friend Tommy.”
“What’s the occasion?”
“They’re coming to visit and he loves cake.”
Kerim smiles. “I shall help. It will be a cake fit for a king.”
“You don’t have to; I know you’re busy.”
“It’ll be my pleasure.”
Tommy will never want to leave.
Thinking of Tommy and Sasha makes me realise that Sasha hasn’t brought up a possible proposal in a while. Has she moved on from it now? I should really tell her about Nathan and I too. She’ll be hurt if she finds out and I didn’t warn her.
Telling people just seems so final and I’m just not ready for final. Am I holding onto something that no longer exists?
As the rest of the staff leave, eager to get home after a difficult night, I start to take the ingredients I need from the pantry.
“What are we making?” Kerim asks from the doorway. I hand him what’s in my arms and respond, “Triple layer triple chocolate fudge cake.”
He grimaces and I laugh lightly.
“It’s not my first choice either. Tommy has a major sweet tooth.”
“Tommy is…” He prompts waiting for more from me.
“My best friend, who is almost engaged to my other best friend Sasha.”
“Oh, I’ve heard you mention her.”
I nod and grab the final few ingredients. We exit the pantry and dump them onto the middle worktop. It’s closest to the ovens.
“What shape?”
“Circle.”
He grabs the round cake tins and places them onto the worktop beside the ingredients. “I’ve never made cake without a recipe, not including the ones I know by heart. I feel as though I’ll be learning something new today.”
“I hardly even weigh anything. I’m so lazy with it.” I admit, grinning as I crack eggs into a glass bowl and Kerim adds the water he just collected. “Thanks again for letting me stay almost every time I’ve worked.”
“It’s been a big help.” He bites on his bottom lip. “Though…” He clears his throat and pulls himself up onto the counter before beginning to mix the bowl of water and egg on his lap. “I can’t help but feel as though you’re staying for a reason and not just to help? Forgive me for prying.”
“It’s fine.” I slowly sieve the flour into the bowl, giggling when it goes over the side and onto his apron. “Sorry.”
“I’ll be a walking cake by the end of this myself.”
“Probably. You should have seen me when I worked in the bakery. I wore hair nets and I still managed to get jam in my hair.”
“Not hard to picture.”
Cocking my head, I give him a cheeky grin and add the sugar, being careful not to spill it onto him this time.
“So… all is okay? Is Nathan okay?”
This time I bite on my lip, worried about what to say next. “It’s a process sometimes but… I don’t know. Things will get better, right?”
“You tell me.” He sneezes into the arm of his jacket and curses before going to clean himself up. There wasn’t a mess but Kerim is a stickler for hygiene.
We place the cake into the oven and joke around as we clear up the area covered in flour and other ingredients. We then prepare the different types of icing.
“We’re still going to be here for a couple of hours. You don’t have to stay,” I tell him when the clock strikes midnight.
“I’m fine. I’m not working tomorrow so I don’t need the sleep.” He assures me, twisting the end of an icing pipe. “Besides, I’m excited to try this delicious yet sickly looking cake.”
“Me too.” I grin, the smile mirroring my excitement. “Oh my gosh, it’s hardly started cooking yet and already it smells delicious.”
We both sit on the side, our legs swinging. This is going to be a long hour of waiting for it to cook and then waiting for it to cool.
“Let’s watch a movie.”
“Where?”
He takes my hand and pulls me from the side before leading me into his office.
“Sit.” He points to the sofa to the side, its brown leather shining in the dim light glowing through the window.
“You really do live here,” I snigger when he turns on a projector above my head and a square image lights up the white wall.
“Yes. I truly do.”
I wait for him to connect the laptop on his desk to the projector. When he joins me with a remote in hand, we choose a comedy and sit on opposite sides of the couch, silent and tired though enjoying the scent of the baking cake.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and blink as the light from the screen blinds me. “Hello?” I whisper.
“Hey,” Nathan whispers back. I’m unsure why he’s whispering. “Why are you whispering?”
“Because it’s quiet.” What kind of explanation is that? “Is everything okay? Are the kids okay?”
“They’re fine, sleeping.” He falls silent for a long moment. I catch Kerim’s eye and mime an apology for disturbing the peacefulness. “Can I stay tonight?” My lips part. “Just on the couch. I’m tired; I just woke up and I don’t think I should be driving.”
Who am I to deny him such a request? It is his house too. “Of course you can.”
“Thank you.” He mumbles and I hear him drop, no doubt onto the couch. “I love you, Gwen. I know I don’t show it as well as I should, but I do.”
“Me too.” I whisper even more quietly than before. “Goodnight.”
“Don’t work too hard.”
If only he knew what I was really doing. Am I being as bad as he was, withholding information from him? No, this isn’t the same thing. I’ll tell him in the morning. I can’t help it if Kerim wants to stay. I certainly didn’t ask him to.
“Are you enjoying the movie?”
I nod in reply and snuggle deeper into the side of the couch. “Don’t let me fall asleep.”
“I’m going to say the same to you.”
Laughing through my teeth, I try to prop myself into a more uncomfortable position, purely so I don’t doze. That cake can’t be in for a second longe
r than necessary or it’ll dry faster than the desert sands.
The movie drones on and even though it keeps us occupied it doesn’t stop my head from drooping with exhaustion. I have never been more relieved when the chiming bell of the timer on the oven goes off, signifying the end of cooking. Jumping up, I almost collide with Kerim who does the same. We laugh and he pulls me back to race me to the cake.
“Ladies first then,” I call after him and he quickly stops and allows me through, too proud to be called a lady. That’s a win for me.
He still beats me to the oven and removes the cake carefully. It looks wonderful. I’m so excited for it to cool so I can cut it horizontally and add the frosting.
“The icing is ready; shall we finish the movie?” I suggest. It seems better than standing around doing nothing.
He nods.
When I woke up this morning I had this feeling of impending doom, as though something really bad was going to happen, so when I made it to midnight and all was well, I felt relieved and I unfortunately let my guard down. As I lifted the cut, frosted and decorated cake to place it into the box, it slipped off its stand.
“Oh my God, Gwen!” Kerim yells angrily as I try to catch the cake between my arms and chest. I drop the stand in my attempt to save the cake but it’s unfortunately not to be. I miss and it topples in the wrong direction when I try to correct its descent.
It smashes on the tiled ground, sending chunks all large and small in different directions.
“What the fuck happened?” He yells, looking as angry as I feel. His anger isn’t helpful; I feel awful as it is. “Hours of wasted effort. Hours!”
“I don’t know,” I scream back at him. “I guess I must be fucking stupid!”
He throws the box across the room and it folds in on itself, becoming little more than a piece of shiny white card.
Then I feel him, his hand on the back of my head, his other at the base of my spine, and then firm lips on mine. My gasp only proceeds to allow him entrance and he swiftly pushes his tongue into my mouth.
A deep groan rattles through his throat as he holds my tight, unsure body closer to him. My dazed, confused, tense form does nothing as he prompts me to kiss him, giving me no escape, and for a stupid fraction of a small moment I lose myself in the passion that just built up between us. But then reality hits and I shove him away from me.
“Oh my god,” I breathe, choking for air, my lips swollen and tingling. I touch them with the tips of my fingers. “Oh my…”
“Gwen,” he whispers, stepping into my bubble, so I take a step back. “I apologise. I see that I’ve upset you. That wasn’t my intention.”
“You just kissed me.” I shake my head and place my hand against his quickened heart to stop him from coming closer. “I love my fiancé.”
“I know… he’s a dear friend. I had a moment of weakness.”
“A moment of weakness?”
He inhales slowly to level his breathing and swallows. “You torture me, daily. Every single inch of you.”
This isn’t happening. “I should go.”
“No,” he insists, looking around the kitchen and then at the mess on the floor beside us. When he reaches for me again and tries to draw me closer, I duck under his arm to escape, twisting my arm so quickly my skin stretches. My foot sinks into the spongey mess of cake on the ground and I almost slip as I try to hop away from it.
“Fuck,” I hiss under my breath.
“Gwen,” he panics, moving to block my path. “You lost yourself too. I felt it. You kissed me back.”
“For less than a second.”
“More like three,” he corrects, looking away as if ashamed. “I apologise. It wasn’t the right time.”
“The right time?” My voice hits a high pitch. “There will never be a right time! That can’t ever happen again.”
“It won’t. You mustn’t tell Nathan. Do you understand? It will ruin you both.”
My jaw hits the floor. How dare he? “I have more faith in my partner than that.” Not that we’re together, but we aren’t exactly not together. I know it will upset him. I know he’s been struggling with my relationship with Kerim. I should throttle myself for not believing him when it came to Kerim’s intentions.
“Feel free to tell him, though take it from a man who knows, he’ll never trust what you have here.”
Deep down I know that he’s right and that frightens me. I don’t want to lie to Nathan but I don’t want to fuel this treacherous fire. “Why are you so worried what I do or don’t say?”
“I’m just trying to clear your mind before you leave.”
“Clear my mind?” I laugh once though there’s nothing funny. “You’re insane. You’re my boss… my chef.”
“We’d be perfect for each other.”
“I’m perfect already!”
Pushing around him, I aim directly for the staff room to gather my belongings. I need to put as much distance between myself and Kerim as possible.
“I know you feel the same way. It’s why you hide here with me instead of with your fiancé.”
“You are deluded,” I murmur as I pass him once more. I’m relieved when he lets me go.
It isn’t until I’m outside that he yells after me, “You kissed me back. It might have been just for a second but it happened. Think about that before you make any more decisions about me.”
My feet pick up the pace, eager to reach my car and drive home.
I don’t want or need this drama. I just want a quiet and happy life without all of these hidden little extras waiting to test my strength and patience. If there is a god, he certainly put me on the sour side of his plan.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“You have no idea how happy I am to see you!” I go to hug my friend but stop in my tracks when I see how different she looks. Her hair is jet black and flowing in thick waves past her shoulders. “You look gorgeous! You’ve changed your hair.”
She bites her lip, stifling a stretched, uncontrollable grin. Then her left hand rises higher and higher until the sparkling rock on a thin gold band catches the sun and blinds me entirely with happiness.
We both begin to scream together like school girls and finally hug, still bouncing up and down on the spot.
“You told her then,” Tommy chuckles, stepping to her side and wrapping his arm around her shoulders after we separate. “She hasn’t stopped looking at it since I gave it to her yesterday.”
“What took you so long?” I beam, pulling him in for a hug.
They follow me into the house as he replies, “Well I knew she was excited, so I wanted to make her wait.”
“You’re a nob,” she states but her smile remains. He kisses her cheek and looks around my kitchen.
“No cake,” I wince apologetically and his face contorts with a mixture of horror and disappointment. “I dropped it.”
“I would’ve still eaten it.”
“I’m sorry.” I go to hug him but he shuns me playfully. Sasha hugs me instead and then asks the dreaded, “Where’s Nathan and my babes?”
“He took them to the park so I could get you settled and deliver the disappointing news about the cake to Tommy.”
She quickly becomes distracted by the picture of Caleb on the microwave. “Oh my gosh! It has been too long since I looked upon this face. It’s making me emotional.”
“He was a good-looking guy.” Tommy shakes his head slowly. “What a waste of life.”
“I miss him,” I admit aloud and Sasha returns the photo to its resting place.
“We all do.” Then she grins and adds, “He’d want us to celebrate my engagement.”
“The kids,” I pout.
“We don’t need to go out to celebrate.”
Waking up in the morning is the worst thing to happen to me. My head hurts, I feel sick and my back is sweaty from where Nathan is crushing me, breathing vodka fumes into my face. He’s using my cheek to cushion his cheek and my back to cushion his body.
“Get off,” I grumble, elbowing him in the ribs. “I’m going to puke.”
He immediately hops up and follows close behind as I rush into the bathroom. Counting to three, I inhale deep and expel the remains of last night from my stomach. It aches. I need water.
Nathan, sensing this, rushes away after tying my hair back and returns with a fresh bottle of water.
“Little sips,” he whispers, helping me into a sitting position.
“Why did I drink so much?” I flush the toilet and lean back against the wall. Nathan crouches in front of me, looking a bit unsteady himself. “It’s all such a blur.”
“You had fun.” He responds, smiling warmly.
“Maybe too much.”
“No such thing.”
I recall trying to get him to tie me to the bed. I also recall him tripping on the blanket I kicked onto the floor and falling into a heap. My lips tip up with a smile. “You were also drunk.”
“I think I still am.” He flashes his eyes at me and holds out a hand for me to take. “Come on: teeth, shower and let’s face the day.”
“The kids.”
“No need.” He kisses my neck and places my toothbrush into my hand. “Sasha took them to breakfast with Tommy. Apparently she likes to eat away her hangover.”
“What time is it?”
“Almost eleven.”
“I am the worst hostess ever.”
He kisses my neck again. “And the sexiest.” Then he orders, “Teeth.”
“Yes, boss.”
Did we make friends last night? I can’t recall much beyond the first three drinks and trying to have sex with him. He didn’t though, forever the gentleman even when plastered on vodka. I’m such a harlot. If I keep giving Nathan mixed signals he’s never going to recover or pay attention to the actual issues at hand. I also can’t just throw him out now; that would be entirely unfair.
“We will talk when we’re feeling better,” Nathan whispers, seeing my internal struggles through my eyes reflected in the mirror. Before guiding me into the shower, he kisses my cheek and breathes in my ear, “I love you. Forever. Whatever decision you make with regard to me and our future, I’ll always love and cherish you and I always only ever want your happiness.”